Flip This Zombie

by Jesse Petersen

  “So how’d you get out, Doc?” Dave asked, seemingly less impressed than I was. His arms were folded tightly in front of him and his eyes were narrowed.

  “After about a week, the power went out up above, which unlocked the elevator. After much debate, we went into the world to see what was happening. And found…” Barnes shuddered. “Well, what now exists… out there.”

  “So how many of you are there?” Dave asked. “We haven’t seen anyone else since our arrival.”

  “I’m afraid the only one left is… me.” Barnes dipped his chin to stare at his desk. He pulled off his glasses and once again the pain in his eyes seemed real, at least to me. “The rest were tragically killed either by injury or infection before we were able to figure out the warehouse’s hidden defense system that you two encountered today.”

  I bit my lip. I sort of felt sorry for the guy, but I still had questions. Lots of questions.

  “So if you have a defense system and this lab apparently has some kind of generated power—” I began.

  “Natural,” the doctor interrupted proudly. “We fully run on solar, which as you know is still in high supply here in Arizona. It’s the highest tech there is for natural power production.”

  I nodded, somewhat impressed but unwilling to show it. “Whatever, my point is that with all you have in your little fortress… why do you need us? Why did you call us here and set up this whole ambush? You obviously don’t need a couple of two-bit exterminators.”

  “Hey,” Dave said with a glare in my direction. “I’m at least three-bit.”

  “Sorry.” I smiled at him. “What do you want with one two-bit and one three-bit exterminator?”

  The doctor seemed less than amused by our witty, sparkling banter. “Because you see, I know how to kill these… things.”

  “Zombies.”

  He flinched. “A rather pedestrian term, but if you insist. I know how to kill these zombies with the protection system at the lab, but what I need is someone to catch them. Alive. And bring them back here to me.”

  Dave and I stared blankly at the man, stunned into silence. Then to my surprise, David started to laugh. Like full-on laugh and it wasn’t hysterical.

  “Okay, that’s funny,” he said with a shake of his head. “What a set-up, too, for Candid Camera. Fake a zombie apocalypse, nearly kill us, actually kill about a million… or ten million or a hundred million… other people and all to get us here for the big punch line.”

  “David, I assure you—” the other man began.

  But Dave wasn’t done yet. He looked at me with a slightly maniacal grin. “Did you hear him, babe? Catch a zombie. Where’s Allen Funt? I just can’t wait to break both his arms.”

  “Honey, Allen Funt is dead.”

  He scowled. “During the zombie outbreak?” he asked.

  “No, back in the ’90s, I think,” I offered with a shrug.

  Despite the teasing, I reached out and touched Dave’s arm to squeeze it gently. He had already threatened to pop this guy in the mouth, now I could see, behind his false joviality, that he was pretty fucking close to rearranging pretty boy doctor’s face and making him look more like Owen Wilson than Luke.

  “You don’t believe me and I can’t say I blame you,” Barnes said, remarkably calm in the face of David’s subtle, yet pulsating, rage and our mutual mocking. “So let me show you that I’m perfectly serious.”

  Reaching behind him, Barnes depressed a button and the shade on the window at the back of the room lifted to reveal a small room. Inside was a line of cages containing a small collection of guinea pigs, some alone in their holding cells, others in small pods. Each one had a tag in their ear and what looked like a small painted or dyed marking on their fur. Three dots and a line at the end.

  I stared. “Really? Actual guinea pigs? Is this the cliché lab or what?”

  Barnes ignored me. “We were using them for other types of research, but since the plague, I’ve switched my focus. Now…”

  He pressed a few buttons on a computer nearby and suddenly robotic arms swung out from a folded position in the corner of the room. With a few delicate maneuvers, they reached into one of the cages and caught a fat, red guinea pig who was roaming around by himself.

  The animal didn’t seem bothered by the sudden intrusion. It continued to chew on a bit of feed, staring with an empty expression at nothing in particular. As one arm held it, the other lifted a syringe and injected the little animal right at its neck, then set it back into the cage gently.

  “This is the infected blood from a…” Barnes sighed, heavy and put-upon, “zombie.”

  We all watched as the animal began to convulse. It flopped helplessly for a few agonizing moments, but just as suddenly it went still and limp against the cage floor. Within seconds, it got back up.

  I couldn’t help but flinch because we had seen this so many times before, although always in people, which was worse… so much worse. Although I have to say, a zombiefied guinea pig was pretty hideous, too.

  The creature’s beady eyes were now red as it lunged toward the cage edge and snarled and bit at the guinea pigs in the adjoining cage. The other little animals cowered back, huddling in a group that put me in mind of the camp just a short drive away.

  Black sludge poured from the poor infected creature’s mouth and it banged its head against the bars of its cage in an attempt to get into the other cage and satisfy its craving for… um, guinea pig soufflé, I guess.

  “So you can make an animal into a zombie,” I whispered.

  The ramifications of that were horrifying. Small animals, small spaces to hide in—the risk of infection had just gone up. The chances of survival… not so much.

  “Yes,” Barnes said with a solemn shake of his head. “But it doesn’t appear to happen in any natural environment I’ve studied. The outbreak began in humans and the infected only seem to attack their own kind. So far that means the animals have been safe.”

  “Until they start eating the rotting flesh from zombies,” Dave muttered.

  My heart sank at the idea, but Barnes looked at me with a small smile that was somehow comforting. “Actually, there is something in the smell of the infected that puts animals off. I’ve observed them devouring the flesh from dead who were uninfected by the outbreak, but not the corpses of the… zombies. At least so far.”

  I nodded slowly. That was something at least. So far.

  “Now, let me show you what I’ve developed,” the doctor muttered, almost to himself.

  He flipped another switch and the robotic arms returned to the cage. The infected animal lunged for them this time, biting them mercilessly until they caught his little writhing body and lifted him to inject him a second time. Through the glass we couldn’t hear the sound, but it opened its mouth in what seemed like a howl of pain and frustration (if a guinea pig, especially one who is now a zombie, can feel such an emotion) as he was set back into his isolated cage.

  At first nothing happened. The littlest zombie merely paced around and around its enclosure, heaving in breaths and occasionally throwing itself toward the cage bars as if it was testing their strength.

  But, after about two minutes, its breathing rate slowed almost back to normal. The little creature stopped attacking the bars and instead returned to its dish of pellets and picked up a few to munch on. When the robotic hands returned to the cage and picked it up, it hardly registered a reaction. Slowly, they pulled the guinea pig to the other cage with the herd of other animals and deposited it within their ranks.

  We were holding our collective breath as the once-infected animal not only didn’t attack the others, but merged into their group without so much as a growl in their direction. Apparently forgetful of their friend’s recent terrifying attempt to turn them into guinea pig steaks (a diet craze that will soon sweep the nation, I’m sure), they welcomed him back to the fold (by ignoring him, but that’s as good as it gets with guinea pigs, I think).

  Dave was the first one to break
the silence. “How long does he stay like that?”

  The doctor looked at us, eyes wide and filled with unmistakable triumph. “So far, permanently.”

  I blinked. “What?”

  “There are animals in that cage that were treated a week ago and have shown no signs of cannibalistic tendencies.”

  “Were all of them infected at some point—could that be why they’re calm?” I asked, still staring at the apparently happy little group.

  “I understand what you’re asking,” Barnes said with a shake of his head. “The infected don’t seem to attack each other. But no, there are five control animals in the pen that have never been infected. It—it’s a cure. Or at least it might be.”

  Dave stared at him. “What do you mean might be?”

  “I haven’t yet had a chance to test it on human subjects. Ones who are currently infected. That is why I require live specimens.” Barnes stared off at the cage again. “I’ve done some work on the heads of the deceased zombies in order to study brain chemistry and other elements, but—”

  My eyes went wide as I thought of all the times we’d been told to bring back “evidence” of our kills by the people who had hired us. And that fact didn’t slip past Dave either.

  “Wait, what?” Dave asked, his eyes narrowing until I was pretty sure he couldn’t see out of them at all. “You did work on heads? Is that why so many of our clients have been demanding we bring the heads of the zombies back? To give to you? Exactly how many people know about your little lab?”

  Barnes stood up and I watched as his hand slid over to touch the AK-47 that now rested on his desk top. I got to my own feet, hoping to defuse the situation if it escalated.

  “No one!” Barnes insisted.

  “Yeah, right.” Dave snorted. He leaned forward in an increasingly hostile pose. He can be a bit caveman at times. And not a Geico, go-bowling caveman, either.

  I pressed a hand to his chest. “Honey, he might not be lying.”

  “Bullshit,” Dave snapped.

  I pushed harder to hold him in place. “Think about it, doofus! The camps are like Perez Hilton’s damn blog. Gossip and rumors fly through there. If someone knew about the lab, especially people like the ones who hire us, we would have heard about it. Someone would have tried to use the information as leverage.”

  Dave’s expression softened slightly. Caveman could be reasoned with, you see.

  “Yeah, maybe,” he grunted.

  Barnes was nodding wildly. Apparently he didn’t want any kind of escalation with my husband, either. “I knew I couldn’t trust any of the ones who have brought me the heads with this secret. After spending just five minutes with most of them it was clear to me that none had the skills or the mind power to collect zombies themselves. I soon deduced they were all using your services to bring me what I desired.”

  “We were the middle man,” I muttered with a shake of my head. “Son of a bitch.”

  “Just from hearing about you,” the doctor continued, “and by observing you a few times from a safe distance, I could see you two were the clear leaders in killing zombies.”

  “So why not just call upon us out in the open?” I asked. “Why go through the whole ruse of calling us here for a job and then taking us hostage?”

  Barnes nodded. “I would have treated you with more respect, not to mention skipped the rather expensive trouble of using one of those idiots to post the note to you at camp, had I not heard more than once about David’s cynicism about… well, anything that implies hope. I had to assume you wouldn’t come had I made my true intentions clear.”

  My husband and I both flinched. Apparently we’d been a bit transparent, even to the morons who hired us.

  “You might be right about that,” Dave admitted, full of Grumpy-Pants irritation.

  “I thought the only way I had any chance of obtaining your assistance was to show you what I’ve done here. To prove to you through your own experiences that I wasn’t a quack making false promises.”

  Dave nodded slowly. “I guess that makes sense. For a mad scientist.”

  Barnes exhaled a long breath. “If only I could test this serum on some human subjects, I would know for certain if it has the potential for curing these… things, or at least halting their desire to kill. And I’ll also be able to see its effect on the human brain, which is considerably more complex than a rodent’s.”

  “In most cases,” I said with a faint smile.

  Barnes laughed in response. It sounded rusty, but then I guess it was since he’d been alone for so long.

  “True,” the doctor said with a slight nod. “I must see if the brain is damaged irreparably by the full transformation.”

  “The guinea pigs seem okay,” Dave muttered as we all looked at the cage.

  “They’re such simple creatures,” Barnes sighed. “There is little difference in the behavior of one with brain damage and one without, I’m afraid.” He turned his attention back to me. “In addition, I’d also like to be able to test my serum on subjects who have been bitten, but not fully transformed. That may be a way to stave off brain damage, but I’m not sure.”

  I nodded. I could see there were many variables to consider.

  “Now, please,” Barnes whispered, his gaze never leaving mine. “Will you help me? Will you save us all?”

  “All right, all right,” Dave said as he sat back down. “Let’s not get overly dramatic.”

  “I don’t think it’s dramatic to—” the doctor began.

  I could see this was going to get us nowhere except for the two idiots in the room with the penises acting like morons and bumping chests some more. So to nip that in the bud, I raised my hands.

  “What’s in it for us?”

  Dave looked up at me in surprise and even Barnes stopped talking.

  “I—well, you’d possibly be saving the world. I thought that might be enough compensation,” Barnes said.

  I snorted. “Oh, that’s cute. How precious. Listen, Dr. Barnes—”

  “Please, I’d like us to be friends. Call me Kevin.”

  I hesitated because his eyes were sparkling at me from behind his glasses and the Luke Wilson thing and the clean thing were a little mesmerizing.

  “Kevin,” I finally said. “The thing is, Kevin, you’ve been paying our little friends for what… a few weeks for work my husband and I have done. Saving the world is noble and all, but I’m with him.” I jerked my thumb toward David. “I’ll believe it when I see it. Until then, what’s the deal?”

  He nodded. “I do have military-grade weapons, as well as high-powered ammo that I’d be willing to exchange for your risk. In addition…” He trailed off and once again smiled at me. In fact, he hadn’t looked at David for a few minutes. “Well, come with me and I’ll show you something.”

  “His favorite thing to say,” Dave said as he got up and motioned to the door. “Go ahead, Doc, lead. I can’t wait to see what else you have besides infected guinea pigs and promises of a brave new world without zombies.”

  I gave him a look as the doctor led us to the door. We swooped down the hallways past more windows that looked into additional lab rooms. Many contained more guinea pigs, one had rows of heads in jars, apparently the fruits of our labor, but there were more than a few that had the shades drawn. Maybe they were sleeping quarters, I didn’t know.

  Barnes stopped at another door. This one wasn’t locked like the others and it swung open when he pushed it. He smiled.

  “Go ahead. This is what I offer to sweeten the deal for you, Sarah.”

  I wrinkled my brow as I passed into the darkened room. It was still and quiet, but then I noticed something. A steady sound I didn’t recognize. At least, not at first.

  Plink, plink, plink…

  “Wait,” I breathed as my mind adjusted to what it was processing. “Is that… is that…”

  Behind me, Barnes… Kevin… flipped a light switch and the room was flooded with brightness. It was a bathroom. A clean, gloriously fre
sh bathroom. And the dripping was coming from a shower stall not three feet away from me.

  I spun around and faced the two men at the door. My heart was racing and my mind spinning as I squealed, “Okay, we’ll do it! We’ll catch the zombies for you.”

  Expand. Why stick to just killing zombies? Or killing them just one way.

  We’re equal partners, Dave,” Dave said in the falsely high voice he always used to mimic me as he drove the van down the long, lonely highway. “We’re in this together, Dave.”

  I blinked and tried to focus on his voice. It was hard to overcome the gloriousness of the fact that I was clean. Really clean. I smelled like soap and some kind of coconut shampoo and I kind of wanted to lick myself.

  “Oh, come on,” I said, dreamy as I pictured how the black sooty water had rinsed from my body and swirled around and around into the drain like it could wash away my sins and experiences over the past few months. “You know we were going to say yes to him in the end.”

  Dave glanced at me and muttered, “Well, maybe. Still, you can’t just put us on the hook for something without talking it over with me first. We’re supposed to be a team.”

  I gave him a little look. He didn’t look mad, but definitely a bit put out. Slowly, I edged a little closer to him and leaned over the gear shift between us.

  “C’mon babe, admit that you like being all clean again.”

  “Hmph,” was the response.

  I moved closer and nuzzled his smooth neck. “And shaved.”

  “Hmmm,” he said this time, though he sounded far less irritated than a moment before.

  “And you like that I smell good.”

  Dave shrugged before he leaned down and pressed his freshly clean mouth to my sparkling mint one briefly.

  “Fine,” he said as he put his attention back on the road. “I admit it’s a good trade. That and the weapons.”

  I glanced back. Yeah, we’d come out pretty well in our agreement with Barnes… Kevin. He’d handed over a stash of weaponry worthy of the most bad-ass zombie movie. We’d even gotten one of those handheld multi-shot cannons I’d coveted. I have to admit, I creamed my shorts a little every time I looked at it all awesome and deadly and stuff in the back of the van.