Today, she planned to avoid the barn where Travis and Chelsea were working together. She had a couple of lessons after lunch, which should give her plenty of time to finish up and be ready for him to move in this afternoon.
Oddly enough, she now took comfort in knowing that, with all three of them on the same floor, it wasn’t likely they’d have a repeat of last night’s lovemaking.
She’d already removed all the family photos from the mantel and doused her cotton cloth with oil as she vigorously wiped away the dust of the past few years. Swiping at the edge of the frame around the mirror, she heard something and watched an envelope fall to the mantel. Had Chelsea tucked it behind there? Why? If she wanted to hide something from Kate, it would make more sense for her to do so in her room rather than in here. She picked it up. The mirror was an antique. Perhaps it had been tucked away for two decades, if not longer.
Staring down at the age-yellowed envelope, she was shocked to see her name and address on it. The thirty-two cent stamp had an Escondido, California, cancellation dated just before her twelfth birthday. Her heart thudded against her chest. Instinctively, she knew it was a letter from her mother.
Her chest grew tighter as she turned the letter over to look for a return address. The back flap was blank—and loosened. She had no memory of reading it, so who had? Daddy?
Her legs suddenly weak, Kate stepped down from the ladder and crossed to the bed where she sat on the edge of the mattress to lift the flap, remove the letter, and unfold it.
The paper shook in her hand so badly she had to set it on the bed and take some deep breaths before she could begin reading. Pink stationery. On a whim, she held it up to her face and could have sworn she breathed in the familiar scent she always associated with her mom. Something more herbal than floral. Earthy. Not unlike the subtle lemongrass scent Kate wore.
Mom had been a free spirit, a derogatory term when used by her dad, but Kate thought it sounded exotic and wild. Two adjectives no one would ever use to describe Kate in a million years.
Confused about why the letter had been concealed all these years, her mind quickly pointed to the only person who could have done it.
Daddy.
But why would he keep something so precious from her? He knew how much she missed her mother. Unless he… No. He wouldn’t have done something so despicable on purpose.
Then how did a letter go from the mailbox to hidden behind a mirror in his room if not an intentional act?
The enormity of what she suspected brought bile into her throat. If Mom had tried to keep in touch with her, why wouldn’t he encourage that?
Realizing she wasn’t going to find any answers speculating like this, she picked up the letter again and tried to read the words through her tears.
Dearest Chula,
Oh God. I can’t breathe!
The air was sucked from the room as she flashed back to her childhood. A distant memory she’d long ago blocked out came flooding back to her. When young Kate had asked her mom what chula meant, she’d said it reminded her of a song her mother used to sing to her as a child about a party on the beach. Kate had never been to Southern California where her mother had lived, but she pictured sunny beaches with mountains in the distance.
Mom had sung “La Chula” to Kate every night—in English except for the title. Her beautiful voice came through crystal clear as Kate blinked away more tears.
And my beloved siren has arrived
And my beloved brunette is here
My beloved and gorgeous baby has arrived.
Mom had also sung it on a picnic they’d shared with Daddy up at the springhouse. How could Kate have forgotten about that picnic all these years? While she’d been very young, it had been such a precious day to her, perhaps because it had happened shortly before Mom left.
Kate had even named a horse Chula without being aware of the word’s significance—at least not consciously.
Letting the tears fall so she could read the words more clearly, a feeling of love and warmth cascaded over her as she remembered that lullaby and the emotions she’d experienced each night with her mother. With difficulty, she tried to make out the words on the first page of the letter, distinctly hearing her mom’s voice. How much more of her mother’s memory had she blocked out? And why? No doubt to cope with being abandoned by her own mother.
It’s been so long since I’ve seen you that I wonder if you’d even remember me anymore. Today is your twelfth birthday.
That her mother hadn’t forgotten about her even after all those years apart had Kate blinking rapidly until she could continue reading.
I wish things had been different and that I hadn’t given in to the lure of the beach that summer so long ago. I was always searching for some elusive butterfly, I suppose, not realizing I had the most precious one on earth within my grasp if only I’d stayed around to nurture it.
Kate, you can’t imagine how my heart aches to hold you, hug you, and kiss you once again. But I know from all the letters that have been returned over the years that you wanted nothing more to do with me after I left you.
What? He’d even returned letters addressed to Kate? What kind of monster would do such a thing?
I can’t help but try one more time. It’s been a few years. Perhaps you’re older now. Or maybe you will find this in the mailbox before your daddy can send it back.
“No, Daddy,” she whispered. “What did you do?” The only consolation she could gather was that at least her mother didn’t think she’d been the one to send them back.
A tear dropped onto the letter, and she quickly pressed the precious paper to her chest to dry it before smudging the ink. Kate moved the page out of harm’s way on the bed again as more tears flowed unchecked.
Years? Her mother had continued to write to her for years, and Daddy hadn’t let her see any of them? Rage churned inside her, something she’d been taught by the same man not to express. How many other things had he convinced her were the norm while all the time doing such unthinkable things behind her back?
A sob escaped her as the truth became evident. She looked toward the heavens, no longer believing that her father deserved to be there. “Daddy, I’ll never forgive you for this. You controlled and meddled in my life from the beginning, but I always respected you as my dad. But this”—she gasped for a breath—“this is beyond contemptible.”
Hugging the letter to herself once more, she doubled over, rocking herself much as her mother had done in the chair in her parents’ room. “She did love me.” Clearly, her childhood had mostly been a lie, one story after another concocted by a self-centered man who wanted to make sure no one else got close to his precious daughter. Not even her own mother.
Kate gritted her teeth, anger replacing sorrow. “How dare you!”
“How dare I what?”
Kate jumped, glancing toward the doorway where Travis stood. His eyes narrowed with concern as he came around the bed to hunker down on the floor beside her, stroking her cheek. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? If it’s about last night…”
“No,” she uttered, unable to speak another word beyond the knot in her throat. She shook her head and held the letter toward him with a trembling hand. When he started to take it from her to look, she pulled the cherished treasure back and held it tight against her chest again. She didn’t want anyone to take away this irreplaceable gift from her mother, not even for a second.
Getting up, he sat on the bed behind her, stroking her back in long sweeping motions. His touch calmed her somewhat. When he pulled her against his chest, she didn’t fight him. Finally, she was able to say, “My mother wrote me.”
“Your mother? After all these years?” He stroked her hair and cheek, further calming her.
She shook her head. “No. This letter was written almost twenty-two years ago. But I’m only seeing it for the first time today.” Anger bubbled up, but she didn’t want to express it in front of Travis.
“Where’d you find it?�
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With the shaky hand holding the letter, she pointed toward the mirror over the mantel. “I was cleaning the mirror and it fell out. It’s probably been hidden away since my dad put it there soon after it arrived. Strange, but I did deep clean this room a few years ago when Lidia and Jason stayed here during a remodeling project. Lidia’s a neat freak, so I know she’d have probably dusted while here. Neither of us found it.”
“You’re sure your dad hid it?”
“We lived alone. Who else could have? He also was the one with the biggest stake in me not knowing or communicating with my mom.” Fresh tears spilled. “What kind of selfish bastard would do something like this?”
He’d been determined to keep her all to himself.
Even with her emotions so raw, Kate saw that she’d done almost the same thing by not letting Travis know about his daughter. “Oh, God, Travis!” She turned around to face him, trying to breathe, but finding it difficult. “I’m no better. I did the same thing to you that he did to my mom. I never should have kept Chelsea a secret from you. How can you ever forgive me?”
He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, letting his finger trail along her jaw line. “We can’t undo the past, Katie. Dwelling on it over and over again isn’t going to change it, either. The important thing is that we’re taking steps to move forward and make things right for her now.”
She nodded, but hated herself almost as much as she hated her father at the moment. “I’ve made such a mess of things for you and Chelsea. I intend to make up for it if you’ll let me.”
He cupped her face and closed the gap to kiss her tenderly on the forehead. Nothing urgent. Nothing carnal. But that kiss filled a void inside her and left her with such a feeling of peace that she almost started to cry again.
“Katie, I understand better now why you did what you did, knowing how profoundly you were affected by not only your mother’s seeming desertion but your father’s actions as well. Even if you didn’t know he was keeping her from you, I would guess he’s colored your view of men and the world just the same.”
She sniffled. “I have a lot to process. Every day seems to bring some new revelation. Frankly, I’m exhausted at the moment.”
“Well, if it helps, you can stop cleaning up in here. Everything looks great, and I can take care of myself.”
She nodded, but her mind wouldn’t let go of the enormity of the situation. At least Chelsea wouldn’t reach the age of thirty-three wondering if both her parents loved her. She’d know because Travis would be a committed dad to her for the rest of their daughter’s life. And Kate would keep trying to be there for her, loving her and perhaps finding ways to make amends for what she’d cheated both of them out of.
Speaking of which… “Where’s Chelsea?”
“Softball practice.”
“Oh, I forgot! I was supposed to take her!”
“Don’t worry. I took her. She wouldn’t let me hang around and watch, so that’s why I’m here.” He pointed to the letter. “So have you learned anything that might help my sisters in the search?”
“No. It was postmarked in…”—she picked up the envelope again—“Escondido, California. I’ve never heard of it.”
“Let me google it.” He pulled out his phone and pecked in the name with his thumbs, not nearly as fast as Chelsea texted. “It’s in San Diego County, about an hour north of the city. In the mountains.”
“Mom talked more about the beach than the mountains, but I haven’t finished the letter yet. Maybe she’ll say what she was doing there.” When he didn’t get up to leave, she hated to say it after he’d given her such comfort just now, but… “Would you mind if I read it alone? If I’m going to be a blubbering mess, I’d rather not have you witness it.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled wryly.
Travis shook his head and bent to kiss her on the cheek, whispering in her ear, “You keep too much bottled up inside, darlin’.” He stood. “There’s nothing wrong with showing strong emotion, Katie. Your tears would never be a mess to me. Although they do give me the urge to kiss them away and try to make it all better.”
Kate laughed for the first time since she’d found the letter. At this moment, she could kiss him, too. “Thanks, Travis. I appreciate your support more than you could know.”
Travis started toward the door. “Well, if you need me, just holler. I’ll rustle us up some lunch. You’ve been up here an awfully long time, so I’ll bet you haven’t thought about eating.”
“Guilty as charged. A sandwich and a small salad would be great. I’ll be down shortly. Then you can move your things in after lunch.”
He nodded and left her alone with her letter and her thoughts, but she couldn’t dive back in right away. A realization came over her about her interaction just now with Travis. She’d allowed Travis to see her being vulnerable, and he hadn’t run away from her or ridiculed her.
For years, she hadn’t allowed herself to cry or show any strong emotion in front of those she loved, falsely believing all these years that she’d driven her mother away by being fussy or disobedient. She didn’t really remember much before her fifth birthday, and her mom had left soon after.
Whoa, had she said those she loved? Well, she had to be honest. She did love Travis. How could he burrow into her heart again in such a short time? He’d made himself at home in her heart years ago and apparently had never been evicted. Rather than infringing on her space, he enhanced it. How had she progressed from wanting him to go away like a bad flu to wanting to make him a part of their lives here?
Well, maybe that was going a little too far. She didn’t want to raise her hopes that his living here was even a possibility.
But she also didn’t want to think about Monday coming and Travis heading home to Nolensville again. Chelsea would be heartbroken, and Katie would hurt for her. Maybe for herself, too.
With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to focus once more on the letter. The interruption had given her a chance to regroup. This time, when she began reading, much of the dread had departed, allowing her to simply enjoy the words as if sitting here having a visit with her mom.
Where had she left off? Oh yeah. So her mom had also surmised that Kate’s dad had been intercepting the letters, although earlier in the letter she seemed to be feeling that Kate had rejected her. How many letters had been sent and returned? Knowing that her mother actually had reached out to her on multiple occasions sent Kate careening on an emotional roller coaster. Euphoric because her mother truly hadn’t moved away without a backward glance. Devastated because the two of them had been separated unnecessarily all these years.
If by chance you read this letter, please call me anytime at the number below my name. My heart needs to hear your voice once more. Perhaps we will meet again someday, although my finances aren’t very good right now, so it might be difficult.
Know that I love you to the moon and back and always will.
Love,
Mom
Kate stared at the phone number at the bottom, wondering if it was still a working number. With Travis downstairs, she decided not to call now. It would be awfully early on the West Coast. She’d give it a try later, maybe tonight.
Kate stood and tucked the refolded letter back into its yellowed envelope. On her way down the hall, she popped into her room and set it on the dresser. Later, she’d probably reread it a few dozen more times before ever dialing that number. Why was she so afraid of hearing her mother’s voice again? It was what she’d dreamed of for years, but now, when she could be as close as a phone call, Kate was terrified.
Because what if she found out Kate had turned out just like her father? She didn’t want to have her mother know that. Maybe if she could manage to get things to work out between her and Travis, she’d consider it, but not yet.
Once again, anger at her father bubbled up. She wished her mom had taken her with her when she ran off to California. Her entire life would have been different.
No, you don’t.
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br /> True. If Kate had been taken away from here at five, she’d never have met Travis or had Chelsea. They were arguably the best things that had ever happened to her. Only she’d thrown Travis away in part because of the wrongful notions her father had instilled in her about being abandoned by those she loved.
He’d shut her mother out of her life all these years when they could have at least talked on the phone and written each other letters. Why had he stolen that relationship from her? She’d never know the answer to that now, but for the first time in her life, she despised her father.
And she knew that she had a lot of work to do to remedy the wrong she’d done. But remedy it she would so that she could despise her own actions a little bit less. She couldn’t believe that Travis hadn’t been angrier about what she’d done. He’d always been easy-going, but this was taking it to the extreme.
Perhaps he wasn’t all that much better at expressing his emotions than she was.
* * *
Travis finished making turkey sandwiches to go with the small tossed salads and wondered how much longer Katie would be. Seeing her so broken up over what her dad had done opened his eyes to a lot of things. While he still harbored some hurt over all the years he’d lost with her and Chelsea, at least he was beginning to understand why Katie would keep her secret. It had nothing to do with not trusting him with their daughter or thinking him unfit. She’d just been screwed up by her father who’d fed her all kinds of paranoid ideas and lies. The bastard.
When Katie entered the kitchen fifteen minutes later, he smiled in her direction. While her eyes were red, she’d stopped crying at least. Probably best not to talk about her mom’s letter while it was so raw, unless she brought it up. “Perfect timing.” He carried the plates over to the table.
Kate's Secret (Bluegrass Spirits Book 2) Page 29
