Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  Because Thursday was our late night, we hadn’t closed the shop up until seven, by the time we had touched up our makeup and titivated as my Dad liked to call it, then walked up the high street to the wine bar, it was around seven thirty. The place was now packed full of the after work crowd from the city, double breasted suits and mullets, so not my type! We joined Jimmie at the table, as she poured us a glass of wine each from the bottle she had in a cooler, we sat and chatted and caught up, knocking back the first bottle in ten minutes.

  Ash got up and went to the bar to buy another and as soon as she left, Jimmie grabbed my hand. “George, I really need to talk to you and it’s about the banned subject.” My stomach lurched.

  “Is it about him or the band or something different?”

  “It’s about ‘that’ night. I found a few things out today at work, things I really think you should know.”

  “Will it change anything, will it fix this horrible fucking pain I have in my chest Jim, will it make it possible to hear his name, say his name even, without me wanting to pass out.”

  “Oh George, is it still that bad?” I nod my head.

  “Yep, every second of every day.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand.

  “Then you need to hear what I have to say, because he’s in exactly the same state you are.”

  Fuck!

  “What?”

  “He’s a mess G, a complete fucking mess, he gets up on that stage or in front of a camera and he’s big bad Maca but as soon as the show is over, all he wants is you. He does the interviews, smiles for the cameras, stays for five minutes at the after show parties and then he goes home, he still loves you George and he misses you so much.”

  My hand instinctively reaches up to the delicate silver necklace I still wear, it’s the only part of him that I’ve allowed to stay in my life and that’s only because I can’t actually see it, well I can if I look in a mirror but it’s been there so long now, that I don’t really notice it, it’s part of me, of who I am, exactly like he is.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  My head is spinning and it’s not because of the wine.

  “Because it’s what you wanted, because, until today, I thought you were right, I thought you had every right to stay away from him, I thought it was the right thing for you but now I’m not so sure.”

  Ashley came back at that moment, with another bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne, which she waved in front of her. “This ladies, is compliments of the gentleman at the bar.”

  A barman appeared at our table with three champagne flutes and proceeded to pop the cork and fill the glasses. We thanked him and turned around to thank the blokes at the bar; there were four of them. One looked like he’d just come from the golf course, one looked like he’d just come from the gym and the other two from the office, one in a suit, one in a pair of dark fitted trousers and a white shirt, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows, he had his back to me and I couldn’t see his face but I could see he had a lovely arse and shiny black hair It was quite long but not cut in the mullet that everyone seemed to be favouring at the moment, just long and pushed back, he was tall, very tall, with a broad back and shoulders. I smiled politely at all the others, mouthed cheers and tilted my glass toward them, just as I was about to look away, he turned and his eyes met mine.

  Fuck!

  My heart gave a little judder, it was like after three years, it was letting me know it was there and capable of doing more than just keeping me alive but I didn’t want it to, I wanted it to focus on just one job, doing nothing but keeping me alive. I didn’t want it to feel and I certainly didn’t want it to react. His brown eyes remained locked on mine as I took a swig of my drink and as I did, he smiled, very slightly at me with his soft, full lips and once again, my heart stopped for a split second and then picked up its rhythm in my chest.

  Fuck!

  Fuck!

  And fuck!

  “Fuck G, he’s nice.” Jimmie nudged me and I almost spat my drink out as she said out loud, exactly what I had been thinking.

  I noticed that he laughed as he watched me wipe champagne from my chin and his eyebrows rose slightly as I sucked it off the side of my finger, he shook his head and looked away and for the very first time in three long years. I felt the stirrings of desire, deep down in my belly and I knew that I had to stay the fuck away from this man; because there was no way that I would ever get involved with anyone who stirred that kind of reaction in me again. Ever.

  After drinking the bubbly and the bottle of wine, Ashley stayed at the wine bar with some friends, while Jimmie and I jumped in a taxi and went back to her house. Lennon was in front of the telly watching a video of the band and as I stepped through the living room door, there, filling the screen, in all his glorious beauty was the love of my life. The room swayed as I quickly closed my eyes for a few moments but something inside me forced them to open and take just one more look, as soon as Len looked over his shoulder and saw me, he ejected the video, then stood as I finally dragged my eyes away from the now blue screen, I noticed that he was smiling at me sadly.

  “Sorry George, I didn’t realise you were coming back here.”

  I shrugged my shoulders and let out a deep sigh. “It’s okay Len; it’s not your fault.”

  He held out his arms and I walked straight into them; my brothers were all tall, like my Dad and I loved how safe I felt when they wrapped their arms around me, sadly Sean was the one monster my Dad and my brothers weren’t able to save me from, I was just going to have to carry on fighting this one on my own. “How are ya George, you really need to put on some weight.”

  “Yeah thanks Len, good to see you too.” He kissed the top of my head.

  “Shut up, it’s always good to see ya you know that, I just wish that I got to see more of ya, more often. How many times a week are you hitting the gym now?”

  I shrugged. “Well we’ve been busy with work, the new shop opens in Epping at the end of September, so we’ve been buying in stock and recruiting new staff, so in the last couple of weeks I’ve only managed a couple of hours three times a week.”

  “Three times a week, is that all? You need to eat more and gym and work a bit less.”

  I go to speak but Jimmie comes out of the toilet where she’s been since we got back. “Leave her alone Len, she looks fine, you look fine G, skinny as fuck but fine.”

  I sigh wearily again and shake my head as I sit down in the armchair. “So put the kettle on then Len and get the biscuits out, I’m starving.”

  I kick off my shoes and tuck my legs under me; Jim sits in the armchair opposite me and does the same. Their house is an old 1930’s detached place that my Dad’s firm extended and fixed up for them, it has big bay windows to the front and French doors to the back looking out over the huge garden. Their wedding was all booked for June next year and they were going straight in for a baby. I hate to admit that I was jealous but that’s the only thing I could think was causing the ache that I felt inside when I thought about the domestic bliss they shared.

  “So… ” I tried to sound more upbeat than I felt. “What do you need to tell me?”

  Len looked over from the open plan kitchen at Jimmie. “You told her?”

  “Not yet but I’m about to.” She looks warily at me and takes a deep breath.

  “I was chatting on the phone today with a girl from Kombat Rocks management team, Carnage are going to tour the States next year and the record label wants KR on the bill for some of the shows. Anyway, Rocco being the wanker that he is, is refusing to be classed as the supporting act, although technically, that’s exactly what they’d be doing but he wants it worded something like a double headline concert. Anyway this Carla I’m talking to on the phone is telling me how Rocco is such a knob and how nobody likes him and they can’t believe the label would put the two bands together after the way Rocco set Maca and Marley up before, so I’m like, what dya mean, set them up?”

  Then she proceeds to t
ell me that Rocco deliberately got them on ecstasy that day because he knew it would get them horny and off their nuts, then he convinced Whorely to get them back to their room so she could cry rape, he would be there, waiting and taking photos of it all and… it was all, to get back, at you.”

  I close my eyes and swallow down the bile that keeps making its way up my throat. “The rape cry was just to get the Police involved so that Carnage would hopefully get kicked off the tour. Whorely never had any intention of going through with it so when your Dad turned up and offered her ten grand to drop the charges; she was over the fucking moon, that was just…”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, my Dad paid her ten grand?”

  Lennon puts three cups of tea down on the coffee table, I lean forward and pick mine up, I know it’s going to be too hot but I need something to do while I try and absorb all of this info; Len stands in front of me with his hands on his hips and says, “Yeah, didn’t you know that?”

  I shake my head. “No, I didn’t, anyway, carry on Jim.” I nod toward her to keep talking.

  “Well you know the rest, Rocco sent copies of the pictures to the press and assumed that the images, along with the rape allegations would get Carnage off the tour and would split you and Sean up.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “He had half his wishes come true, the other half had the complete opposite effect, meaning Carnage are now bigger than KR and Rocco is thoroughly pissed off.”

  She looks at me and shrugs, I don’t know what she expects me to say, yeah I’m well and truly pissed off that Rocco and Whorely plotted and schemed and got their wish in breaking up Sean and me, but at the end of the day, he did what he did and for me, the issue was never about the rape allegation, I knew that was a lie. I just knew, but Sean going back to the room for a threesome that was the truth, her getting naked and letting them snort blow off of her body, that was the truth and that was what I couldn’t forgive him for.

  “Well, thanks for letting me know Jim, I hope if you ever come across either one of that scheming pair of cunts you will smack them right between the eyes for me but at the end of the day, he was there, he was in that room, snorting blow off her tits, just four days after declaring undying love and proposing marriage to me and there are pictures to prove it so it doesn’t change anything. Nothing will change the fact that he was in that room, with that slut, all that’s changed are the circumstances that led to it and yes I am angry that they set him up, but that just goes to show how easy it was for him to go astray, how easily he was tempted.”

  I lean forward and dig into the biscuit barrel; I find a Mcvities chocolate digestive and dunk it in my tea. I actually want to curl up in a corner and rock, but I do what I have been doing for the last three years, I shut down my emotions and carry on with my numb little life.

  “Do you know how much he still loves you George? He’s such a mess on the inside, he hides it well but I know, I’ve held him so many times now, when he’s had a few drinks, the conversation always ends up about you and always ends in tears.” I raise my eyebrows and look at Lennon.

  “And there’s been no other women, since we broke up, there’s been no one else?”

  Len pulls his head back and looks at me as if I’m mad. “I never said that G, there’s been sex, of course there’s been sex but it doesn’t mean anything, they mean nothing.”

  “Well that’s where me and him differ coz those birds he fucks, mean a lot to me, they mean he’s moved on, while I can still barely leave the house. Tonight was my first girls night out in over three years, I don’t even look at other blokes, I can’t, it’s pointless, because all I ever see is him and that’s okay, it’s my issue, not his and it’s just something I’m finally learning to live with.”

  Lennon lets out a long sigh. “Would you talk to him, if I could get the two of you together, would you talk to him?” I shake my head.

  “Len, apart from business trips and meetings, tonight is the first time I’ve socialised in over three years, I don’t watch telly, I don’t listen to the radio, I don’t read magazines, all because, just the thought of someone mentioning his name, catching a glimpse of his face or hearing his voice is much too painful. But I’m getting better, it doesn’t hurt any less, I’m just finally getting to grips with how I handle my feelings. Tonight was really hard for me but I did it, and I want to keep going forward and if I see or hear from him, it’ll probably just set me back, so no, not yet, I’m not ready.”

  I look at both of them. “I know he’ll be at the wedding next year and I’m gearing myself up for that to be the day that I am ready to see him again. I’m not promising I’ll look at him, I doubt very much I’ll talk to him but I will do my very best to be in the same room as him, because I love the two of you and I know it will make you happy.”

  CHAPTER 10

  Over the next few weeks I went back to the wine bar with Ashley and every time I saw tall, dark and handsome there and every time, he would smile, nod and send over a bottle of champagne, but make no effort to come and talk to me. After about three weeks, Ash finally convinced me to go out clubbing after we had drinks; my Dad had bought into a club in the West End of London so I’d got him to put us on the guest list. I had no idea what to expect but was willing to give it a go. TDH, as Ash and I had nicknamed him, had sent over his usual bottle of bubbly and when we were leaving he clamped his hand around my wrist and gently pulled me into him. “Enjoy the rest of your night Georgia.”

  My head jerked back, not just because I was surprised that he knew my name, but because of the sensation that shot through me, caused by his hand on my wrist, the sound of his voice and the feel of his breath on the side of my face, neck and in my ear. I swallowed hard and looked him right in the eye, then over his face, he was bloody handsome and a lot older than me, I was about to turn twenty, he looked thirty-ish.

  I don’t know where I found her, but suddenly, confident little fifteen year old George appeared. “Thank you for the champagne, but whether I enjoy the rest of my night, has absolutely fuck all to do with you, now take your hands off me and don’t touch me uninvited again… Ever!” I go to yank my wrist from his grasp when his hand clamps onto me tighter.

  “Such an angry little kitten, with such sad eyes. Who hurt you Georgia? Who took the light out of those pretty blue eyes ehh?”

  My first instinct is to slap him but he has a hold of my right wrist and I’ve drunk a bottle of Moet and two Southern Comfort and lemonades so I’m not sure how good my aim will be with my right.

  “Let go of my wrist,” I say quietly through gritted teeth, he does exactly the opposite and pulls me in to his chest and places his hand at the small of my back, pressing me into him. Fucking hell, he’s got a hard on and its pressing right into my belly. I give out a little gasp - shit, shit, shit, he knows I can feel him.

  “Next time you walk into my bar, me and you are going to find a quiet corner and sit and have a chat and you kitten are going to tell me all about the arsehole that made you so sad and so angry.”

  Shit, he owns the place? Explains why he can afford to keep dishing out bottles of Moet, I bet he does it to all the birds he fancies and there was me thinking I was all it and a bit!

  I keep looking into his eyes. “Well, looks like I won’t be walking into your bar again and best start looking for somewhere else to drink.”

  He takes a step back and looks me up and down. “You’ll be back, if you’re not, then I’ll just have to come and find you; now do as I say, go and have some fun, I want those eyes to have some light in them next time I see you.” He turns me around, smacks my arse and sends me on my way.

  For two whole weeks I avoid the wine bar, forcing Ashley to drink in the pub down the road with me instead, it’s not as nice and twice I have heard songs played in there that I think are by Carnage. I haven’t heard any of their latest stuff but I would know Sean’s voice anywhere. Both times I ducked into the toilets and waited long enough for the song to end but we never hang around the
re long, after the great night we had at my Dad’s new place, I’ve decided I have a few years of clubbing to catch up on and we’ve been to three other clubs since then. Ash is still as wild as she was at school and loves a few lines of coke on a night out and I must admit to having joined her every time we’ve been out lately. I just love the instant rush and the confidence it gives me; the new drug of choice on the club scene is ecstasy, but I remember Sean and Jimmie telling me it makes you horny and that’s the last thing I need to be feeling, more so than I already am lately. For the first time since I was of an age to think about boys in any kind of romantic or sexual way, my thoughts haven’t all been about Sean, he’s there, always, painfully so, but lurking in the corner now, with that smile on those soft lips and a spark in those warm brown eyes is Mr TDH. I still have no idea of his name and have no intention of going back to the wine bar to find out, not yet anyway.

  It’s a Thursday night in the middle of September, my birthday is this coming Saturday and I’m going out for drinks and then on to my Dad’s club with Ash, Jimmie and a few of the other girls that work at the shop for us. I’ve been in the West End meeting with buyers all day with my Mum and have just called into the Brentwood shop to pick up my new dress I ordered in for Saturday night. Ashley and Lorna are the only two staff left as it’s just fifteen minutes till closing.

  I notice Ash looks terrible. “You okay babe, you look rough as fuck.”

  She takes a deep sigh, shakes her head and looks at me with a frown. “I came on this morning, my belly’s cramping like a bitch, I need to go home, get my jarmies on and curl up with my Danielle Steele book and a hot water bottle.”

  Periods ergh, hate the bloody things, I suffer terribly with period pain myself and know it’s no fun being on your feet all day when it feels like your womb is being ripped out of your fanny! “Go and get your bag and go home babe, I’ll lock up.”