Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  “Fuckin hell Cam.”

  “Now dya want me to go?”

  “Will you shoot me if I don’t give the right answer?”

  “That’s not funny Georgia.”

  “And dentist o’clock was?” Before he answers his belly growls loudly, my heads still pressed into his chest and I hear the sound echo around his insides, I look up at him with a grin.

  “Are you hungry Tiger, have you worked up an appetite?”

  His mouth is on mine before I even finish what I was saying, I twist around in his lap and straddle him, the duvet is between us but I can feel how hard he is regardless. I tangle my hands in his hair and he does exactly the same to me. My lips feel sore, burnt almost where his stubble is scratching over them; I pull away and look up at him, we went to sleep with the lamp on earlier, it’s just enough light to be able to see the glint in his eye.

  “I thought you were hungry?” I ask with one eyebrow raised.

  “I’m Hank fuckin Marvin Kitten but would much rather be inside you”

  “Do you have another condom?”

  “Are you not on the pill?”

  “I’m on the pill but I don’t know you well enough Cam, no condom, no sex, sorry but that’s my rules.”

  He looks thoroughly pissed off for a few seconds. “I’m clean Georgia.”

  “Says you.”

  “What, do you think I would lie, about something like that?”

  “Cam, I, no, I don’t think you would lie but I don’t have sex without a condom.”

  “What if we were in a relationship, would you still make me wear a condom?”

  “I… we would… no, probably not.”

  “Would you like to be in a relationship, with me I mean?” Oh fuck, here we go and I thought he was different.

  “Cam, look, we’ve just had sex for the first time tonight, we could be sick of each other in a week, can’t we just see how we go with this?”

  He bites down on his bottom lip and still doesn’t look happy. “I don’t share Georgia Layton, if we’re sleeping together, then I don’t expect you to be sleeping with anyone else.”

  I feel a little bit ashamed, he has every right to think that I’m a two timing whore, I want to get off of his lap, I want to have a little hissy fit and order him to go but how can I, how can I when he knows exactly how I have behaved these last six months?

  “There’s no one else Cam, there will be no one else while I’m seeing you, I won’t fuck you about.” I don’t want sex now, the whole moment has gone.

  “Would you like me to make you something to eat?” I ask.

  His forehead is pressed against mine. “I would love for you to make me something to eat now please Kitten, and then when we are done, we find a fuckin’ condom somewhere and we will fuck again.”

  And we did twice more.

  CHAPTER 16

  The next few weeks were busy; I went back to work on the Monday and helped out at the Brentwood shop, we were half way through March, people were now looking for summer wedding and Royal Ascot outfits. My Mum and I tried to be hands on at this time of year, spending a day a week at each store, making our customers feel special, which they were and giving them the personal touch from the management always made them feel extra special.

  Cam and I were now in an exclusive relationship, he was a workaholic but he always made time for me, we would go out to dinner in the week or meet for lunch. Sometimes I’d come over to the wine bar and sit at the bar chatting to his bar staff and the bouncers, while I waited for him to finish meetings and phone calls in his office or for him to turn up if his meetings were elsewhere, later we would have food sent up to his place and I would spend the night there. Other nights he would come to my place once he had finished with all his business dealings, he would let himself in with the key I’d given him, either way, when we were alone together, it usually resulted in us having amazing sex, and it was amazing, toe curlingly so, he was a master in the bedroom, dominant, inventive and considerate. I loved the fact that when I was with him, I didn’t have to think, I could just shut down my brain and enjoy the experience. Time spent with Cam, was time spent not thinking about Sean. Not that that was the only reason I spent time with Cam, not at all, I really did enjoy his company, in fact I enjoyed it more with each time that I saw him. The problem was, as always, Sean. I know I shouldn’t compare the two, as my mother has told me on numerous occasions, no one will ever compare to my first love. She was lucky; she got to marry her first love. While mine was ripped away from me and I had never recovered from what I felt for him, and as handsome and hot and sexy and caring as Cam was, he didn’t make my heart race like it still did when I thought of Sean. I didn’t ache for him when we were apart, the way I used to whenever I was apart from Sean. I was beginning to care for him, but I knew from the second I set eyes on Sean that he would always have my heart and to this very day, he still does and there is nothing that I can do to change that fact.

  Cam was usually busy on a Friday and a Saturday night and I really didn’t mind, it meant that I could still go out with my friends on the weekend, which I generally did. Fridays we would club, Saturdays could go either way, we would sometimes club again or sometimes just go to the wine bar, then for some Indian. Sometimes I would get back to my place at dawn to find Cam in my bed and I was fine with that, it worked for me but by May, I noticed that if I wasn’t at his place, then he would always be at mine. We’d gone from seeing each other three or four times a week to six or seven nights a week and he had started to complain about the fact that I still went to my parents every Sunday for lunch, and if my brothers were there and we all ended up in the studio, stoned or drunk, I would stay over till Monday.

  I really liked Cam, I wasn’t really comfortable with what he did for a living, but I wasn’t a hypocrite either. I had, it turned out, been raised on money gained mostly by illegal means, so I could hardly call Cam on how he chose to earn a living.

  We’d danced around the topic of moving in together but I felt for me, it was far too soon, I was too young. I was in the best place mentally that I been in for just over four years, I wasn’t fixed, I still spent most of my time with my chest hanging on to that last little breath, because I knew, that if I let it all the way out, the panic would set in. I was better, much better. I was listening to music but not theirs. I still couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice, to hear him sing words that might tell me his thoughts, his feelings, it was still painful, my heart still hurt as much as it always had but I’d just gotten better at coping with it. Every now and then I would wonder if I’d go through my whole life like this. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and thought that perhaps I would rather be dead, than live with the hollow, emptiness I had inside, but since Cam had come along, I coped better with it all, I was grateful to him but I wasn’t ready to move in with him.

  The other issue between us was my Dad, he still didn’t know about our relationship; at least I don’t think he did. Both my Mum and Bailey had been on my case to tell him before he heard it from someone else but I still wasn’t sure where we were headed. I liked Cam, a lot but he was giving me the distinct impression that he liked me a lot more and my old instinct of running as soon as I heard those three little words was beginning to surface.

  I was out having dinner with Cam on a Thursday night at the beginning of May when he asked what my plans were for the coming Saturday. “Actually, its Ashley’s birthday, we’re going to Kings, my Dad’s sorted out the VIP bar for us, we have a stretch limo picking us up, then there are about fifty people coming to the club.”

  He puts his knife and fork down. “Why didn’t you ask me?”

  “I thought you’d be working.” Shit, I didn’t want another night of walking on eggshells around him, he’d been really hard work for over a week now, and never seemed happy with anything I did.

  “No, why didn’t you ask me to sort out the VIP bar for Ashley’s party?”

  “Well, because…” I really didn’t need
this, was it going to turn into a pissing contest between him and my Dad over who had what power at the club?

  “If I had asked you to sort it out for me Cam, my Dad and my brother would want to know why I hadn’t gone through them, then my Dad would want to know how I know you, my brother is already on my case about seeing you and it would all just get complicated… So I just took the easiest option, the option that would cause me the least grief, at least I fuckin’ thought it would.”

  “Do you really need to swear to emphasise your point?” Right, he’s just patronising me now.

  “Don’t be so condescending Cam, you sound like an old fart.” I put down my knife and fork and stare him square in the eye.

  “Why haven’t you told Frank about us yet?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I was just waiting to see how things went, if this was going to go nowhere, then what would be the point in stirring up trouble between you and him?”

  “And is it?”

  I raise my eyebrows, unsure of what his question means. “Stirring trouble?”

  “No Georgia, going nowhere. Are we going nowhere?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I’m having fun, it’s working for me. I don’t know what your thoughts are, other than that you seem thoroughly pissed off with me tonight.”

  He gives his regulation shake of the head and his eyes meet mine, he lets out a long breath and reaches his hand across the table to take mine. “Sorry Kitten, I’m not pissed off with you, I just feel a bit gutted that you didn’t come to me, didn’t even mention to me about Ashley’s birthday.”

  Okay, now I feel bad, I can see how that could be hurtful, it would be like him coming into the shop and asking one of the other assistance to help him and ignoring me. I let out a long breath and try to explain why I didn’t come to him. “Ashley spoke to my Mum about it, before I had a chance to talk to my Dad my Mum had done it for me; it’s really not a big deal Cam.”

  My eyes wander over his handsome face. “Why don’t you come, surely you’re entitled to a Saturday night off once in a while, or do the rounds and then come after?”

  He knocks back his glass of wine. “Yeah, I dunno, I might feel a bit out of place, seeing as I’m such an old fart.”

  “Now you’re just been facetious.”

  “Hmm, I’m impressed, big words from such a little girl.” I don’t know why but that statement really pissed me off, I felt like he was talking down at me, like I was a child. Did he think I wasn’t capable of long words? I pulled my napkin out of my lap and slung it on the table.

  “I need to go; this little girl is tired and has a headache.” I pushed my chair back way too loudly for the posh restaurant, grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.

  I didn’t hear Cam’s chair move so I’m assuming he remained seated. The instant I stepped outside, I saw Benny start the Jag up in a car park across the road. He pulled up next to me with his window open. “All right Duchess, jump in.”

  I had lit up a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in ages but he had pissed me off tonight so I felt the need. “Fuck off Ben, I’m not in the mood, I’ve had to sit through dinner with your boss acting like a prick, again, I don’t need to be patronised by you as well.”

  “Fuckin’ ‘ell George, was only ‘avin a laugh wiv ya, ignore him, he’s got a lot on his plate right now.”

  “Not interested Ben, not interested.” I stepped into the alley at the side of the restaurant and smoked my cigarette, I put it out and waited for five minutes but Cam didn’t come out. Well fuck him, if he thought I was going to hang about and wait, he had another thing coming. I looked down the alleyway and could see that it led out to the next street but was blocked by a bollard to stop cars cutting through, so I quickly headed down it. Ben couldn’t see me from where he was sat in the car and I walked quickly, as soon as I stepped out onto the main high street I was lucky enough to be able to hail a cab straight away. I jumped in and gave them Jimmies address and hoped that she didn’t mind me turning up uninvited.

  I got the cabby to stop off at the off license and I grabbed a couple of bottles of wine, if Jimmie wasn’t up for a drink, then I would just go home and get plastered by myself.

  I rang the doorbell and stood with my forehead pressed against the door, I was so busy going over tonight’s conversation with Cam and his shitty attitude toward me that I didn’t hear the door being opened, I fell forward and face planted right into someone’s chest and I knew, in an instant, in a millisecond, exactly whose chest it was.

  He grabbed me by the shoulders at first and I panicked and thought he was going to push me away, but then he wrapped his arms around me tightly, sniffed my hair, kissed the top of my head and said into my ear.” I love you Georgia Rae, show us your tits.”

  Everything fell away, the floor from beneath me, the wall around my heart was gone in an instant, the person that I was, the person that I’d become over these past four years crumbled to dust and was gone, disintegrated, decimated.

  I had a bottle of wine in each hand, I didn’t let them go but hung on to them, I gripped them so tightly that my hands ached but I needed to hold on to them, they were real, all the time I had them in my hands, I knew that I had some kind of a grip on reality. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed myself into him, taking deep breaths of him in. I thought that perhaps I was dreaming, or perhaps the front door had opened and I had fallen and bumped my head, so I moved the wine bottles that I was squeezing and my brain registered the chinking sound of the glass knocking together.

  “Do you know how long I have waited to have you pressed up against me, how long I have wanted to bury my face into your neck and just breathe you in?” I can’t speak, I’m terrified that if I do, I will scare away the magic and it won’t be true, he won’t be here, with his arms wrapped around me “Do you, do you know Gia?”

  My insides curl in on themselves at the sound of him, calling me, that name, nobody, only Sean has ever called me Gia, nobody has ever even thought to.

  “Four years G… four years and eleven days if you want me to be exact and every single moment has been absolute hell.” He reaches round and using his index finger, he lifts my chin, I close my eyes, I can’t look, I can’t take that chance. What if I have finally had the meltdown of all meltdowns and completely lost the plot and this is all in my fucked up imagination? In that instant, I’ve never, ever prayed so hard to be mentally insane. “Open your eyes G; I need to see those beautiful blue eyes of yours.”

  “I can’t,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.

  “Why G, why can’t ya, I need to see them, I need to look into them, to see us, when I look into your eyes, I want to be able to see you and me and I need to know that we’re still us, Sean and Georgia. Are we, are we still us G?” Very slowly I open my eyes, hoping for heaven, fearing all that I will get is hell but they’re there, those dark brown eyes with their flecks of gold, my very own personal piece of heaven is staring right back at me.

  “There’s my girl.” He smiles that lazy lopsided grin down at me and I whimper. He’s so much taller than I remember, not as tall as Cam but he must be well over six foot now. “Can I kiss ya G, I want to kiss you. I need to kiss you G. Can I?”

  I nod my head, which was at that precise moment not attached to my shoulders and was instead spinning off somewhere in the stratosphere and before I can think any more, his mouth is on me, soft and gentle at first, his tongue dancing with mine, gently, then deeper, tasting me, his lips harder on mine, he groans, I groan. He reaches behind me and takes the wine from my hands but doesn’t stop kissing me, he wraps his arms around me and the bottles clang together, reminding me that this is all real. He’s here, I’m here, we’re kissing, we’re here, together, Sean and Georgia; we finally stop kissing but stand with our mouths together, just leaning into each other, mouth to mouth, while we look into each other’s eyes, he has tears rolling down his cheeks and I realise that I do too; I reach up and touch his face.

  “God, Gia, I’ve missed you
so fucking much.”

  “You never came back for me Sean, you just let me go. You didn’t fight for me.”

  He frowned and lent away from me, then put the bottles down on the hall table; he turned and looked back at me, his eyebrows drawn together. “Georgia, I came to your Mum’s but they wouldn’t let me see you, so I sat outside the house in my car, all day, all night but then I had to go back on tour, so I called you, all day, every day, for weeks I called and I wrote and wrote, I sent letter after letter. I sent you the songs that I wrote for you, I wrote down every thought and feeling that I had for almost a year, I made videos of the songs so you could hear them, I sent it all to you G.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing, to the point where I’m shaking my head. “No, no, where, where did they go?” I think I’m going to be sick. “Where did you send them? You must have got the wrong address.”

  Which was a ridiculous notion; he had spent more time at my house growing up than he ever had at his own house. He knew my address better than his own. Absolute panic is rolling in my belly, is he lying to me? Just when I suddenly had hope that he was here, with his arms around me, was he going to lie, was I going to lose it all again? He looks as devastated as I feel. “You sent them back?” But he’s shaking his head; it’s a question, not a statement.

  “No, no Sean, never, I never got them, I never saw them so how could I send them back?” I’m shaking so hard that I can hardly control my jaw.

  “They came back, unopened, with a note, saying, please don’t contact me again. All of it came back, the letters, the cards and poems, the videos, it all came back Georgia, you said you could never forgive me and to stay away.” He’s pulling at his own hair and sobbing as he speaks. “I wanted to die; I’ve wanted to die, every fucking day since. Every day, I’ve thought about it, dying, instead of living with this pain.”

  He punches himself hard in the chest, into his heart as he speaks through gritted teeth. “I just wanted a chance G, just one fucking chance to explain, to say sorry, to tell ya, that, it’s you, it’s always been you, it will, only, ever, be you.”