Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  “Sean,” my Mum sighs out his name. “You had just broken my daughters heart into a million pieces, I didn’t, I just believed what she told me, I didn’t check up on her story, I just believed it, you weren’t my favourite person at the time.” She sips on her drink. “I didn’t tell anyone else about her because I didn’t want to cause any problems with the band so I just decided to keep quiet, Georgia seemed to be getting better so I had all post addressed to her, diverted to a Post Office box. I thought after a while it would stop coming, or at least slow down but it didn’t. In the end, I packed it all in a box and sent it back to Sean with a note saying, please don’t contact me again, I’m moving on with my life, you should too,” She shrugs as she says this and I want to punch her, I want to cause my own mother physical harm.

  “I didn’t hear from her, the girl, for a long time, then a couple of years ago, when you boys bought the warehouse between you, she phoned up and said that she had heard through some friends that Georgia was trying to find out where it was and that she was asking a lot of questions about Sean, I was so worried, she was doing so well, you, were doing so well.” She looks at me. “Everything was going well with work, you were gaining confidence but when she called, I got worried that you might have been heading for some kind of breakdown so I panicked and just told all of you lot not to mention that the boys had a place together or where it was.” She shakes her head. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  My Dad reaches across and holds her hand. “You should have told one of us, you should have said something Bern.”

  “To who? If I had told you or Bailey I was worried what you’d do to Sean and if I’d told Marley, Lennon or Jimmie, I was worried about this other woman having an effect on the band.”

  “What about me, did you not consider talking to me about it?”

  “No, no I didn’t George, you’ve been so fragile for so long, I just couldn’t take a chance on setting you back, you’re my daughter, you were so badly broken when you thought he’d been with that girl in the hotel room. I thought that if you found out he’d been two timing you for years that it would kill you. I needed to protect you at all costs. I’m your Mother, it’s my job is to protect you”.

  “Well you fucked right up there then didn’t you? All you’ve managed to do these past four years is cause me untold misery,” I spit back at her; I take Baileys glass and drain the contents.

  “What I don’t understand though, is all this about George going to the boys place and trying to get in?” Jimmie asks.

  “Well that’s when alarm bells should have started ringing for me and I don’t know why they didn’t. Do you remember when there was that big article in one of the magazines about your wedding last year and they asked you about George being bridesmaid and if it was going to be awkward with Sean being there?” I watch Jimmie as she nods, I had no idea Jimmies future wedding had made the news, bloody hell, were the band that famous?

  “Well a few days after that, this Mandy, the girl that had said she was Sean’s secret girlfriend, she called the house and said that Georgia had found out where the boys lived and had caused all sorts of trouble trying to get up to the loft and that she had convinced security not to call the Police. She said that George was obviously in need of psychiatric care and that she needed to be kept away from Sean at all costs, otherwise she would have no choice but to tell him and that she would make sure that he would press charges.”

  “I swear to God, this has nothing to do with me,” Sean protests from beside me. My Mum scratches at her head, it’s a most unlikely action from her, she’s always so composed and perfect, doesn’t fidget, doesn’t scratch, doesn’t yawn, a perfect lady.

  “George, you were out clubbing all the time, you had lost so much weight and your behaviour was a little bit erratic, I just thought that you were slipping again, I wondered if the thought of the wedding and seeing Sean had caused it… so… ” She lets out a long, long breath. “Again, I told everyone to keep quiet about it, I discussed with Jimmie and Marley and we all decided to wait and see if you mentioned it to us George, we were just worried about you.”

  Sean runs his hand through his hair, and then looks at Marley. “Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

  “Because I thought you would go straight to her and I didn’t think that was what she needed, I thought she was fragile, the same as my Mum, I was just protecting her, my Mum never mentioned a girl though.” Marley looks at my Mum. “You said the security guard called you.”

  “Well I couldn’t tell you about Mandy, she swore me to secrecy, she told me that her and Sean were still together but they were keeping it quiet until after Jimmies wedding as they didn’t want to tip Georgia over the edge, I thought she was being considerate.” My Mum gives a bitter little laugh as she finishes speaking. She looks at Sean. “When you turned up at my house that Sunday with the girls on the bikes, it struck me that the girl you was with, looked a lot like this Mandy but what I couldn’t get my head around was, if you was so in love with this Mandy, why were you at my house with her lookalike, then I realised it was her that Georgia had the problem with.”

  She moves her eyes across to me. “All you kept repeating George was that she looked just like her… That got me thinking that perhaps you already knew about this Mandy, so I went through all the scrap books, I made them for you George, every piece of news about the boys, I kept and put into a scrapbook, in the hope that one day you would be able to look at it.” She wipes tears from under her eyes and my bottom lips trembles as I watch her do it and I hate myself, I hate myself for caring that she’s upset and I hate myself for being the one that’s made her cry and I’m beginning to feel sick, because I think that I’m beginning to put this puzzle together. I cover my mouth with hand as I can feel it start to water, the way it sometimes does before you vomit.

  “I kept the good stuff and the bad stuff, the pictures, articles, song lyrics, you name it, I’ve kept it all and I sat and went through it until I found her picture and that’s when I realised what an almighty fuckup I’d made.”

  I shake my head continuously. “Oh no no no.”

  I look across at Jimmie, she looks at me incredulously. “Whorely?” She asks me. I nod my head, then turn and look at Sean, he hasn’t joined the dots.

  “It was the girl from the rape charge.” My Mum continues. Sean is instantly on his feet. “No, no, no fuckin’ way, I have not clapped eyes on that girl since that day, there was never anything between me and her, never G, I swear on my life.”

  I shake my head at him. “I know, I know, I believe you.”

  I look around at everyone in the room. “Fuck, wow she really does hate me, because she’s gone all out to ruin my life and keep us apart all this time. I need a drink.”

  I am so angry, angry to the point where I can’t think or see straight, I need a drink, I need a cigarette, I need a joint and I need my Mum out of my sight while I try to make sense of all of this, my head right at that moment, feels like it’s about to explode.

  CHAPTER 18

  The problem with open plan houses, is that you can’t make a grand exit, you can storm off in indignation but there are no doors to slam, which, let’s face it, is what you really need to do to get your point across and to let everyone know just how pissed off you are. The other problem is that there are no rooms where you can lock yourself away and have a good cry when the need takes and I think that right at that moment, that’s perhaps what I need to do.

  I go into the kitchen and retrieve the wine glass I left there earlier, I pour myself a drink and lean back against the work top and look across to my family all gathered in the lounge area. I watch Len, Jim and Marley, all deep in conversation. I watch Bailey, pat Sean on the back, say something to him and shake his hand, then begrudgingly my eyes go over to my parents, they are sitting side by side. My Mum seems to be trying to explain something to my Dad¸ he has her hand in his and I watch as he brings it to his lips and kisses the back of it, he nods i
n agreement at whatever it is that she’s saying and they both look up at the same time toward me. She stands and the room falls quiet as she heads in my direction; I take a long chug on my wine and watch as she approaches.

  “We really need to talk Georgia, I really need you to understand that what I did, I did out of love and concern for my daughter. What I did, I did to protect you.” I don’t want to cry, I want to be strong and defiant and nasty to her, I want to say spiteful, hurtful things, instead I just say what comes into my head as I really don’t have the capacity to think too much right now.

  “I understand all of that Mum but what you also forgot along the way is that you’re my friend and friends don’t keep secrets from each other, even if they think it’s going to cause pain, they tell each other the truth, they share and then they’re there for you, then they help you to pick up the pieces and move on.”

  “Well Jimmie lied to you too; you don’t seem to be angry with her.”

  “Oh no, no, don’t even go there, Jimmie was asked, by you I might add, not to mention something. She didn’t blatantly, barefaced lie to me.” Sean appears from behind my Mum and comes and stands next to me, taking my hand in his. “Mum, I’ve had the night from hell, I really don’t want to talk about this anymore, I need to think, I need to get my head around the fact that for the last four years, someone has gone out of their way to fuck up my life and you helped them to do it.”

  She goes to say something but I hold my hand up to stop her and shake my head. “Please just go, I’m going to take tomorrow off and maybe next week too, I’m sure you and Ash can cope.”

  “Don’t do this George, please talk to me.”

  “I can’t right now Mum, just give me some time.”

  “One day Georgia, one day you will be a mother and then you will totally understand my actions.”

  I shrug and look at her. “Who knows?”

  She lets out a deep sigh, then turns and walks away. My Dad gives me a cuddle. “Don’t be so hard on her Princess, she loves you more than life, she thought she was doing the right thing.”

  “I know Dad, I know.” Is all I can come up with, I just don’t want to argue right now, not with anyone.

  He shakes Sean’s hand. “Look after her Maca.”

  Sean puts his arm around me and pulls me in tight, kisses the top of my head and says, “I will Frank, I will.”

  My parents leave and I just want to go and throw myself down on the sofa but Sean pulls me back as I go to walk away from him, I wrap my arms around his neck. “We need to talk G.”

  “Not tonight we don’t Sean; I’m exhausted, I just wanna flop.”

  He bends his knees slightly so that we are at eye level. “Okay but tomorrow, we talk.”

  “Fine,” I agree; he holds my hand as we walk back into the lounge and I sit down next to Marley, I lay down and put my head on his lap. Sean lifts up my legs and puts them in his lap, he pulls off my boots I was wearing and throws them on the floor, then starts to massage my feet; Marley looks down into my face.

  “Eww George, you have the biggest bogies up your nose, they’re like boulders.” I smile up at him and shake my head.

  “Well I can’t see anything up your nose; your nostrils are hairier than Dad’s.”

  His hand flies to his nose. “Fuck off; I do not have hairy nostrils.”

  We stare right at each other for a few seconds. “That was horrible, what just happened with you and Mum, intense and horrible, I love you and I’m so sorry, this all started with me getting off my nut and wanting to shag.”

  “No.” I say quickly. “Do not say her name.”

  “Well whatever George, I’m just saying, I should never have dragged Maca into it, and then none of this would ever have happened.” I sit myself up as Sean scoots up and sits in tight next to me.

  “Marls, how many times do I need to say this, we were both at fault, neither of us should have gone back to that room with her, we both knew…”

  “Enough, enough. That bitch has fucked with my life for long enough, it ends now, I don’t want anyone blaming anyone for any of this anymore, including yourselves, what’s done is done. I hate her and if I ever get my hands on her, I will kill the bitch but I’m not letting her actions eat away at me anymore, she’s taken all she’s getting from me.” Baileys lying spread out on the two seater my parents were sitting on earlier, his long lanky legs hanging off the end. “I can’t believe the bitch got away with it all for so long.”

  “Bails, I just said I didn’t wanna talk about it.”

  “I can find her if you want George, let me have her name and I can get a trace on her.”

  “Bailey, will you leave it,” Lennon snaps. “Just leave it, like George said, we all need to move on.”

  Bailey huffs and folds his arms across his chest. “Well if you don’t want me to do it, ask your new boyfriend, he’s pretty good at tracking people down.”

  Cam, fuck! He hadn’t entered my head once since I fell through the front door; I realise the whole room has gone silent, Sean is completely still next to me, I’m too scared to turn and look at him.

  “Bails, you really do need to rein in that big gob of yours tonight, these two have got enough shit to sort through, without you stirring the pot!” Lennon says to him.

  My skin prickles and the hairs on the back of my head and neck stand on end, I just know that he’s looking at me but I don’t look round. “For fuck’s sake, is anyone gonna skin up tonight or what?” Marley jumps off the sofa and heads out to the kitchen, returning with Lennon’s stash box.

  “Help yourself Marls why don’t ya.”

  “Cheers Len, I will.” He winks at Len as he proceeds to roll a joint on the coffee table in the middle of the room, he lights it up, takes a huge draw, then passes it to Bailey and continues to roll another.

  I manage three hits before I feel the effects, then it hits me like a ton of bricks and all I want to do is sleep. “Can I stay here tonight Jim?” I ask.

  “Of course babe, your usual rooms all made up.”

  I don’t dare go home; Cam will be going absolutely mad and is probably waiting at my place for me right now. Cam, what am I going to tell him, things had been going perfectly until these past couple of weeks but now there was Sean? Sean who I love with all my heart. I feel whole, complete, fixed, just by being in the same room as him but we have a whole shed load of shit to sort through and if we have the slightest chance of ever getting back to together, then it’s only fair that I end things with Cam, while I try and fix things with Sean.

  At some stage, I must have fallen asleep as I feel myself being carried up the stairs, I open my eyes slightly and see that I’m being taken to the spare room, I know that it’s Sean that’s carrying me, I can smell him. He lays me down and kisses my forehead and then sits down on the edge of the bed and strokes my hair off my face, I open my eyes and look into the eyes that I have missed so much. “Don’t leave; I don’t want to be on my own.”

  I barely finish speaking, when he stands up and starts taking off his jeans, whilst toeing off his shoes. “Thank fuck, because I don’t want to leave ya G.”

  “No sex though Sean, I just want to cuddle.”

  He stops and looks at me. “Gia, I wasn’t, I didn’t think, that’s not what I wanted to stay for.” His eyes look all over my body, the dress I’m wearing has ridden up my legs but they are covered by the thick black tights I have on, I watch as he adjusts himself through his boxers. “Okay, what I mean is, you’re as horny as fuck and of course I’ve got a fucking hard on.”

  He shrugs and smiles at me. “You know me and what I’m like around you G, I just can’t help it, and nothing’s changed there.” I can’t help but smile at his honesty. “But that’s not what this is all about, I just want to be with you, I won’t even touch if you don’t want me to but I hope you do, coz I do, really wanna, really, really wanna touch ya, but I get it, you’ve got a boyfriend now, I just…”

  He looks around the room, struggli
ng to get out whatever it is he wants to say. “Fuck G, please don’t tell me I’m this close but I’m gonna lose you again.” He sits back down on the bed next to me, the only light is what’s coming from the old fashioned street lamp Jimmie and Len have on their drive, it bathes him in a soft golden glow and I unconsciously reach out and touch his hand, just to make sure he’s real.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” my voice is barely a whisper as I speak. He laces his fingers with mine. “I can’t believe we’re together, in the same room, touching.”

  My belly feels like it has batwings flapping about in it, I’ve had a few wines and I’m slightly stoned and all I really want is to curl up and go to sleep with him and think about the reality of it all in the morning, when I have a clearer head. “Draw the curtains and get into bed, I’m taking my dress off and putting your t-shirt on, so don’t look.”

  He tilts his head to one side. “I’m the one that’s taking their top off G, so don’t you be looking, I saw how your tongue was hanging out of your head in the kitchen when I showed ya me tats.”

  “Don’t flatter yourself rock star, I was admiring your ink, that’s all… besides, you ain’t got nothing I haven’t seen before.”

  He smiles at me as he stands up and pulls his t-shirt off and yes I do stare, because he’s fit and toned and standing right in front of me in just a pair of boxers. He hands me his top and I stand and take off my dress and pull off my tights. I never wear tights, I only ever wear stockings, especially for Cam, he loves them, I actually think they drive him a little bit insane when we go out and he knows I’m wearing stockings and suspenders underneath my outfit, he actually growls ever so slightly every time he brushes against me, just like a real tiger. Unthinkingly I take off my bra, then realise what I’ve done and quickly pull Sean’s T over my head. God it smells divine, this is the smell that I’ve been dreaming of for so very long; I pull the quilt back and climb into bed, Sean climbs in beside me, the room is now in complete darkness, but my eyes do gradually adjust.