Carnage

by Lesley Jones

  He sat in silence as he watched me prepare his food, his lips twitching up into a smile at every individual thing that I remembered; when I set it all down in front of him, he said, “Come here.”

  I walked around to where he was sat at the breakfast bar, he opened his legs and pulled me between them, he wrapped his arms around my waist, and I wrapped mine around his neck. “Do you have any idea the affect you remembering all of that had on my heart?”

  I smile at him and shake my head. “No, but I can feel the affect that it’s had on your dick.”

  He’s still only wearing his boxers and I’m still only wearing his t-shirt. He slides his hands underneath it and grabs my bum cheeks and pulls me in closer to him. “Georgia, baby, you cooking me eggs on toast has fuck all to do with my hard on, the fact that you exist is enough to do that.”

  He tilts his head and gives me that lazy lopsided grin, the one that had me falling head over heels in love with him, nine very long years ago. “But you remembering exactly how I like my eggs on toast, right down to the white pepper and HP sauce, that’s got my heart beating in a way that it hasn’t in four very long and lonely years.”

  I don’t know why I say it, but it’s out before I think too much about it… “Oh I’m sure you’ve had no shortage of women to make you eggs on toast and to make things hard for you over the last four years and I bet those years have been anything but lonely.”

  His face falls and I instantly regret what I’ve just said, he swallows hard and strokes over my cheekbone with the back of his hand. “Oh Georgia Rae, you have no idea, no fuckin’ idea.”

  He pulls me in and takes a big sniff of my hair. “I smell of fried egg,” I complain.

  “Na, you smell like Gia, you smell like home, you smell like exactly where I want to spend the rest of my life.”

  I swallow back the next round of tears threatening to escape and just say. “Eat your breakfast before its stone cold.”

  He smacks my arse as I turn and go to fetch my cup of tea from where I left it over by the kettle. I come back and sit on the stool next to him and watch him eat as I sip my tea. “Why are you not eating G?’

  I shake my head. “I don’t think I could keep anything down.”

  “Why, what’s wrong?” He asks with a frown.

  “Nothing, just… ” I shrug, “I don’t know, just all of this.”

  I gesture between us. “You, me, my Mum, the circumstances, it’s just got my head spinning and my belly back flipping, I really don’t think I could keep anything down right now.”

  “Just a bit of toast?” he asks.

  “No.” I shake my head.

  “G, baby, please don’t take this the wrong way but you really need to put on a bit of weight.” I don’t take it the wrong way; I know that I’m way to skinny. I’m not short at five feet eight and the last time I weighed myself I was just over eight stone, a whole stone lighter than I was a couple of years ago. I’d gained a couple of pounds these last few months since I’d been seeing Cam, but I still needed to gain more.

  Cam, shit, I need to speak to him, he’ll be worrying himself sick about where I am, but I also need to end things between us. Don’t know how he’ll take that and oddly enough, I’m not really sure how I’m feeling about it either.

  “G, you okay, I haven’t upset you with that have I?” Sean brings me back from my Cam dilemma.

  “What? No, no. I know I’ve lost weight, too much work, gym, clubbing.” I shrug. “I was skinnier, but Cam’s been good for me, I’ve put… ” I stop as soon as I realise what I’m saying.

  “So is Cam the boyfriend?” he asks, looking right into my eyes, I nod.

  “I’ll have to call him today, he’ll be worried.”

  “Don’t let me stop ya.” His eyes have lost their spark.

  “Please don’t, I need to call him and I need to see him, he’s a nice bloke and he’ll be worrying about where I was all night.”

  “You live together?”

  “No, no but he’s got a key. I was out with him last night, we had a row, I stormed off and left him in the restaurant and jumped in a taxi and came here.”

  “So I have Cam to thank for you falling into my arms last night?” he asks with a smirk.

  I suppose he does. “If that’s the way you want to look at it, then yeah, you do.”

  “G, where you and he are concerned, I don’t want to look at it at all, but, ya know, we’ve been apart, it’s been four years, I get it.” He shrugs his shoulders. “I hate the idea of it but I get it.”

  He reaches out and brings my hand to his lips and kisses first the back, then turns it over and kisses my palm, then licks and kisses the inside of my wrist. He lets go and stands from his stool and takes his plate and cutlery over to the dishwasher. I know Sean, I know him inside out and I know exactly where he’s going now, even before he says, “I need the bog, you make your calls then come and join me in the shower.”

  I smile and shake my head. “In one end and out the other, some things never change do they babe?”

  He grins a cheeky grin at me and shrugs. “What can I say G? It’s the way I’m made.”

  I watch him as he walks out of the kitchen, a few seconds later, he’s back and stood between my legs as I still sit on the stool, he tucks my hair behind my ears and my belly and my eyelids both flutter at his touch. “When you speak to Cam, be gentle with him.” He looks over my face and gives a slight nod. “I know first-hand, how fuckin’ awful it is to lose you.” He tilts his head, kisses me gently on the lips and turns and heads for the bathroom.

  I sit for a moment longer and look over at the phone; my mind is in a complete whirl, for some reason thoughts of my Mum’s tumble drier come into my head. When we all lived at home, it always seemed to be full of socks, lots and lots of socks, different sizes, different colours, all going around and around and that’s exactly how my head feels right now and every one of those socks represents a thought and each of those thoughts are scrambling for attention in my brain and I have no idea where to start. I swallow down the last of my tea and pick up the phone, I call my flat first and see if Cam picks up but there’s no answer. I let it go to answer phone and call out for Cam to pick up if he’s there but still no answer, I call his flat but there’s no answer there so I leave a short message on his machine. I knew he wouldn’t be at either of the first two places, I’m just delaying the inevitable, it’s one o’clock on a Friday afternoon, there’s only one place he’ll be and that’s the office at the wine bar. He picks up on the second ring.

  “Speak.” Charming, he’s so not in a good mood.

  “Cam?”

  “Kitten? Fuck, where the fuck are you? Don’t you ever do something like that to me again, you fuckin’ hear me. I’ve been worried sick, where are you?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m fine, I should’ve called you last night. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

  “Where are you? I’ll come and get you.”

  “No, no, that’s fine, I don’t need collecting.”

  “You okay? I missed you, I stayed at yours last night, I needed to be able to smell you, I fuckin’ hated sleeping in your bed alone, and waking up alone.” My heart gives a little stutter, now that the hard protective brick wall is down, it’s affected by more than Sean it would seem and this little revelation seems to rush over me like a tidal wave. What does that mean? Has Cam always had the ability to make my heart do strange things, if I’d have let him?

  “Georgia, you still there?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I’m still here. Look Cam, we need to talk, not on the phone, I need to see you.”

  “Well I just said I would come and get you now but I only have an hour, I have a flight out of City Airport to catch at four thirty, and I won’t be back until Monday.”

  “Well, I’ll just wait and see you Monday then.” Monday’s good, gives me a bit of breathing space at least.

  “I’d really like to see you now Kitten, Monday’s a long way off and I want to show you
how sorry I am for being such a prick last night.”

  “I can’t Cam, you don’t have to keep apologising, you shouldn’t have behaved like a prick, and I shouldn’t have stormed off like a diva. Go catch your flight and give me a call on Monday, once you’re home.”

  He’s quiet for a minute and I feel really mean, I would actually like to see him now, the fact that he’s flying off somewhere I assume is overseas makes me feel a little pang of jealousy, he hadn’t mentioned this trip to me all week and he hadn’t said anything about it last night when I told him to come to Ashley’s party. I start to feel a little pissed off, we argued over Ashley’s party, when he knew full well he wouldn’t be able to come anyway.

  “If I could get out of it George, I would but something’s come up with some business I have going on in Amsterdam and I need to fly over and sort it out, I only found out myself a couple of hours ago that I was going.”

  “It’s okay.” I lie “You go and sort out your business. I’ll talk to you Monday.”

  “I miss you George, have a good weekend.”

  “You too Cam, bye.”

  “George, I… nothing, I’ll see you Monday.” I end the call and wonder why, once again, I want to cry?

  I walk quietly into the bathroom and watch Sean in the shower, he’s standing with his back to the water, it’s hitting the top of his head and bouncing off his shoulders, his head is tilted up to the ceiling, his eyes are closed and he’s singing. I shudder and close my eyes as the desire I feel at the sound of his raspy voice unfurls between my legs, making my muscles tighten and my heart speed up as I listen to him sing. I’ve never heard of the song but as I listen to the words, I think I know what it is.

  I tried, I really tried but it was only ever you.

  All these years, all the tears, it’s still only ever you.

  What we did, the things we said, they’re still always on my mind.

  There’s no one else, there never was, it’s still only ever you.

  The sweetest smile, the bluest eyes, the taste of you, on my tongue.

  You’re in my heart, you’re in my head, right where you belong.

  All the others, they never mattered, they don’t come close to you.

  Wish you was here, wrapped in my arms, my heart aches just at the thought of you.

  All the others, they never mattered, none of them come close to you.

  The things they write, it’s all bullshit and lies

  Because it’s still only ever you.

  You’re the only one that can make me complete but I let you down, I fucked it up

  Our lives were planned and with one stupid act, I blew it all away.

  My lies were white, my heart was black

  I got just what I deserved when you never came back

  But still…

  You’re in my heart, you’re in my head, right where you belong.

  I want you here right by my side, I want you real, a distant memory just ain’t the same

  There’s nothing left, my life’s gone to shit and I’ve only got myself to blame.

  I get on stage, I sing my song but all I want, all I need, is to have you back, where you belong

  With me…With me…Always…With me.

  I undo the shower screen door and step in beside him, he opens his eyes and looks at me, the water is bouncing off of him, his shoulders, his broad chest and I sway with the emotion of it all.

  He pushes my hair off my face and sings in a whisper, “Where you belong, with me, with me, always, with me.”

  His mouth comes down hard on mine, he spins me around and pushes me against the hard tiled wall of the shower, he slides up and in me all in one move, I wrap my legs around him as he holds onto my bum cheeks and presses me between the wall and his hips. Still kissing me hard on the lips; he breaks away and pushes my hair off my face. “Fuck I love you Georgia Rae and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life proving it.”

  We have bed sex after we have shower sex so then I have to have another quick shower, which I insist on taking alone so that the cycle doesn’t start again. We strip and remake the bed, then jump into Sean’s white Range Rover and go to my flat. He calls Len from there and thanks him for letting us stay and arranges for us all to go out tonight, apparently it’s been a while since the boys were all in the country at the same time so they want to catch up, that’s what last night was supposed to have been about and it was, till I fell through the front door. Sean then calls Marley to see if he would like to join us for dinner, which he does. You would think that being the world famous, jet setters that they now were, we would be heading to some swanky restaurant in the West End or the city but no, this is Sean and my brothers and all they want to do is head into Upminster to their favourite Indian, which is the very same Indian I go to most Saturday nights.

  Thankfully there’s no evidence of Cam having been here, my bed has been made and there are none of his clothes hanging about. I throw on a pair of jeans with a smart blouse and a pair of heels, put my hair up in a messy bun and put on some makeup, and then we drive into the Docklands area of East London. The whole place is like a huge building site, with redevelopment work going on everywhere, we pull up at what looks like a huge warehouse on the edge of the water. It’s a three story building, built from old stock bricks. Sean takes my hand as we head toward a set of wooden and glass doors, he taps a code into the machine and we walk into a lobby area where there is a concierge come security guard sitting behind a sort of hole in the wall. He’s an older man, maybe in his sixties but very tall and muscular, he stands from where he was watching telly as we walk in.

  “Alright Ronnie, how’s things?”

  “All good here Maca, all good, Marley’s home, I ain’t seen him go out nowhere t’day.”

  He smiles and nods his head toward me as he speaks in his gruff cockney accent. “This is my girlfriend Georgia, Ron, I’m gonna sort her out with keys and the key code, just in case you see her coming in and out and wonder who she is.”

  My belly does a little twirl and my heart swells as I hear him call me his girlfriend, Ronnie steps out from his little room and comes over and shakes my hand. “Nice to meet ya Georgia, ‘bout time he settled down wiv a decent bird, still, he ain’t as bad as Marley. I don’t know where he gets the energy from, two and three at a time I’ve seen him take…” He trails off as I think Sean is glaring at him from beside me.

  “Nice to meet you too Ronnie,” I smile as I speak. “And I will be having a word with my brother about his lose morals, don’t you worry about that.”

  He looks from me to Sean with a frown; Sean pulls me into him by my waist. “Georgia is Marley’s little sister Ron, you just dropped him right in the shit.”

  We turn and head for the lifts as Ron mumbles something I don’t quite catch. The lift is the original old fashioned metal box, with a caged door that you have to pull across and close by hand. There’s also an old fashioned wrought iron spiral staircase if you don’t want to take the lift, Sean informs me.

  The apartment is fantastic, nothing like you would expect two, twenty-two year old rock stars to live in. It’s all exposed brickwork and timber. I notice the sofas are the exact replicas of the old Chesterfield from the summerhouse, in the exact same colour too. Marley’s lying on one of them as we come in. He’s playing some kind of a game with a controller, it looks like a werewolf, running riot in ancient Greece and I don’t think Marley’s doing too well because he throws the controller down and sits up as we come in.

  “Big brother Marley, how are we, you got any dirty birds stashed up here that I need to kick out?”

  “What the fuck are you talking about little sister Georgia?” he asks as he stands, stretches, then pulls me in for a cuddle and kisses the top of my head.

  Sean heads off in search of clean clothes and shouts, “I just introduced G to Ronnie. He told her about the amount of birds you bring back here, before I had chance to tell him she was your sister.”

  “Nice one Ron,” Se
an mumbles as he sits back down on the sofa.

  “Anyway, cheeky fucker, who said the birds I bring back here are dirty?” Marls shouts loud enough for Sean to hear.

  “Err, actually, you did, don’t you remember, you threw one out a few weeks back coz you said she had a smelly twat,” Sean shouts as he heads back in to the open plan room.

  My mouth drops open, he’s wearing black jeans, with a white v necked t-shirt; he has on a black suede jacket, and is wearing wooden rosary beads and a cross around his neck. He looks every bit the world famous rock star that he is and I suddenly feel inadequate as I look at his perfection.

  He smirks as he walks toward me and wiggling his eyebrows he asks, “Wanna see my bedroom?”

  I stand and roll my eyes at him as he pulls me in for a kiss. “Not if you want to leave here any time this century.”

  He kisses me on the mouth and squeezes my arse cheeks. “Suits me, I’m only going where you go for the rest of my life anyway.”

  “Oh please, I’m gonna spew, is this how it’s gonna be again, you two all over each other like it used to be?”

  “Fuck off Marls, we’ve got four years to catch up on, you’re just jealous coz you can’t keep a bird.”

  “No Maca, I don’t want a bird, look at the fuckin’ mess you’ve been in the past four years, writing shitty love songs and crying in ya beer every time you have more than two drinks.”

  I bite on my bottom lip as I try to contain the smile this news induces, well good, I’m glad he suffered, makes me feel a little better about what I’ve been through.

  Sean raises his eyebrows at me. “What you laughing at?”

  “Nothing.” I shake my head and grin.

  * * *

  We finally make it back into Essex and are seated in the Indian Restaurant by eight o’clock. I don’t know when the table was reserved, but it was and it’s right at the back, tucked around a corner. Despite this, the boys still end up signing autographs for half the night. We laugh, joke and talk in the way that we always have, five lifelong friends catching up. There’s no rock stars amongst us, it’s just my two big brothers, my best friend and my boyfriend, until we head outside to our cars and all hell breaks loose. Somebody has obviously called the press and as I walk out of the restaurant first, looking behind me as I chat to Marley, I’m first knocked in one direction and then the other as cameras flash in my face. There’s suddenly chaos all around me as I’m asked my name, my relationship to the band, am I going home for a threesome with Marley and Sean. I hear Sean roar at them all to fuck off from somewhere behind me, then Marley tucks me under his arm and walks me to Sean’s car as it bleeps and is unlocked by someone I am assuming is Sean, behind us. Marley pushes me into the passenger seat and then goes back to help Sean out, as he is now being mobbed by pap’s, reporters and a bunch of screaming girls. I jump as I hear a loud crack when a camera lens is pushed up against the window of the door, I lock the door quickly and just try and keep my head down and ignore the questions. Sean makes it to the car but then can’t get in because I’ve locked it; he scrambles for his keys, jumps in and locks the door behind him.