Secrets & Surrender

by L. G. Castillo

  “Or Nic.”

  Julian’s face turned serious. “Nic’s a nice guy. But try to understand Juan’s concern. He’s just protecting you.”

  Protecting me? From the one man who’d walk through fire for me?

  I slapped Julian’s hand off my shoulder.

  “Well, I don’t understand. Nic has been nothing but kind to Juan and you. He donated money to the fundraiser.”

  Julian smirked.

  “And,” my voice grew louder, “he volunteered his free time by helping you build the stage sets. How dare you talk about Nic like he’s someone dangerous! What’s wrong with you?”

  He shook his head. “Wake up and look around, Mandi. Do you see Nic here?”

  Pain slammed against my chest.

  “I told him to be with his family. It was my idea,” I growled.

  “He didn’t have to go,” Julian said. “He probably knew you were going to tell him to go back. He left pretty fast in that fancy Porsche of his.”

  “He would’ve stayed if I had asked him to. I don’t have to defend Nic to either of you.” I pushed Julian out of my way and stormed back to the kitchen.

  “I miss you.”

  I clutched the phone’s receiver to my ear at the sound of Nic’s voice, holding on to his every breath. I desperately wanted him to be near me. Sounds of violins playing familiar Christmas songs played in the background, so different from the beat of the Tejano music that came from the small stereo my dad setup in the living room just for this occasion.

  I glanced around the room, looking at all the familiar faces: cousins, uncles, my parents, and co-workers, all speaking to each other in Spanish; kids wrestling on the ground imitating they’re favorite wrestlers; Doña Trini feeding one of her dogs out of her hand. My eyes stopped at Julian.

  He had his guitar out and was strumming along with the song on the radio. Juan sat next to him with a smile on his face. My heart twisted with the knowledge that it was Julian who could reach my little brother. Even my parents, who liked Nic, were much more relaxed around Julian.

  “I miss you too. I wish you were here.”

  “Believe me, me too,” he whispered.

  “Me too!” A voice squealed from the phone.

  I chuckled at the sound of Kristie’s voice. I would be the last person to admit it, but the girl was rubbing off on me. “Tell Kristie ‘hi’ for me.”

  “I will. I have to go. Father wants to introduce me to one of the violists, who just happens to be studying at Princeton.”

  “Do you mean there’s an actual string quartet in your house?”

  “Can you believe it? Mother had them flown in for what she calls a ‘small family gathering.’ Ha! The only family time I’ve had with them all day was when Father called me into his study to make sure that I was dressed appropriately to met the distinguished professors he invited. It’s all black tie in here. How’s it going with your family?”

  I looked down at my t-shirt and jeans. My eyes met with Julian’s briefly. He was the only one wearing a tie. He flashed a grin when he caught me looking at him. I quickly turned away.

  “Well, Doña Trini is wearing all her costume jewelry. Then again, she sleeps with all her jewelry on. That’s about as dressed up as it is over here.”

  After Nic hung up, I sat next to my mom, watching Juan laughing with Julian over some jokes they were telling my dad. Juan’s good mood was pissing me off.

  I stabbed a fork into the ham and shoved it into my mouth without even thinking. Julian stared at me from across the room as he talked to Dad. Dad slapped him on the back, laughing as they spoke to each other in Spanish.

  Yeah, don’t think I don’t know you’re kissing up to my dad.

  I stabbed another piece of ham, the fork tearing through the foam plate. “Son of a bitch!”

  “Manuela,” Mom warned.

  “Sorry, Mom.” I tossed the plate aside.

  “What’s wrong, Mijita.” Mom brushed my hair off my face. “Here, sit down in front of me. I’ll braid your hair like I did when you were little.”

  “Mom!” I squirmed when she pulled me down onto the floor.

  “It’ll make you feel better.” I looked into kind brown eyes. She was right. It would make me feel better. “Okay.”

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” she crooned as she brushed my hair with her fingers.

  I looked to Julian. He glanced back at me and gave me one of his sexy smiles.

  My stupid stomach did another ridiculous flip flop.

  “I can’t tell you.”

  I swear my mom could read minds because she leaned over my shoulder and whispered, “It’s Julian, isn’t it?”

  Immediately, tears welled up in my eyes. The guilt was crushing. I swallowed thickly, nodding my head.

  “I’m so confused,” I said softly. “I love Nic.”

  “Have you told Nic?”

  My head jerked up. “No way. I can’t tell him about Julian.”

  “No, not about Julian. That you love him.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because . . . because . . . because I . . .” I was on the verge of tears. I had to get out of there. “Lo siento,” I apologized, pushing my way through the crowded room and out the front door.

  The cool air hit against my face as I ran across the yard. Stopping at the chain link fence, I leaned against it, gasping for air.

  My mother’s gentle hands suddenly appeared and drew me into her arms.

  “Oh, Mijita. Love is hard.”

  “Why? Why does it have to be so hard?”

  “You love Nic. I know you care for him deeply, but if you want a life with him, you have to trust him.” She wiped the tears from my face with a dishrag.

  “I want to. I do. But I want to keep the family safe.”

  “You’re afraid if he knows about us that we won’t be safe from him?”

  “He’ll keep our secret. I know he will. It’s just . . . I . . . oh, Mom!” The truth ripped through me, tearing apart the little world I had tried to build with Nic.

  She was right. Julian was right. Somewhere deep inside of me, I was afraid that Nic wouldn’t understand if I told him about our family.

  “You don’t have to do anything right now. You’re so young, and you’ve had to take on so much being the oldest. Take time to enjoy your life a little. Be with Nic. And if Julian is to be a part of your life too, don’t fight it. You can only know your heart’s true destiny when you set it free.”

  When we finally walked back in the house, the first person I saw was Julian. His face held no smirk, no teasing, just concern for me.

  It was at that moment that I knew if I told Julian my family’s secret, he’d understand and accept us with out question. There was no doubt in my mind.

  And Nic?

  My heart tore at the mere thought that I could even have any doubts about him. I closed my eyes and thought of Nic and all he had done to be with me to show me that he loved me. But all of that wasn’t enough to erase the nagging doubts that he wouldn’t understand what it was like for my family to live with this secret.

  I couldn’t fight against it anymore. Everyone was right. Nic’s parents saw it. My parents saw it. Even stupid Juan saw it. Nic and I were from two different worlds. With each day that passed, the gap grew wider. I feared that one day, I’d wake up and the gap would be so huge that Nic would disappear.

  And I didn’t know if I could live without him.

  chapter 24

  Mandi

  A red grasshopper was eating my Twinkie.

  I rolled the car into an empty spot near the Rio Vista Park, wondering how I was going to convince Kristie that dressing up as a red grasshopper for the talent show was not a good idea. I thought giving her my last Twinkie would get her to stop talking long enough that I ‘d be able to present my case.

  I was wrong.

  “I can’t wait to thank your mom for sewing my costume. I called everywhere looking for it, and I can�
��t believe no one carries it.” Kristie popped the last piece of the Twinkie into her mouth.

  Well, there went that plan.

  “I don’t think many stores have a demand for an El Chapulín Colorado costume.”

  It was all Steve’s fault. One drunken night in his dorm room plus a broken remote control, and we were all suddenly watching re-runs about a clumsy superhero dressed as a red grasshopper known as El Chapulín. Somewhere between tequila shots and Steve hitting on Nic, I somehow actually agreed with Kristie that doing an El Chapulín skit for the talent show and having her run around stage wearing red stockings and antennas was a good idea.

  Yep, it was totally Steve’s fault.

  After that night, there was no changing her mind, especially after she found an exact replica of El Chapulín’s big plastic red hammer at a flea market. She was so excited.

  I hauled a case of Big Red out of the trunk. I couldn’t believe that we were only a couple of weeks away from the performance. Between work, classes, and rehearsals, the weeks seemed to have flown by. In a blink, winter turned to spring and everyone working on the show decided to barbecue in the park and go tubing down the river. The students invited everyone who was helping with the show, which included my mom, who had helped with the costumes.

  “So, remind me again why you want to be El Chapulín?”

  I set the case of soda next to one of the ice coolers, thankful that Julian wasn’t here yet. The less I saw of him the better. Maybe I’d get lucky and he wouldn’t show up.

  Two more weeks to go and I wouldn’t have to see him ever again if I didn’t want to. Of course, there would still be the times that he came to visit Juan. That I could handle. It was easy enough to lock myself in my room and avoid him. It was also a huge plus that Nic had stopped taking lessons because he was getting a little behind in some of his classes. Though part of me wondered if that was really the reason he had quit.

  After the Christmas dinner incident, I had vowed to keep all my interactions with Julian exclusively business. And it had worked. As long as I didn’t look him in the eye, I survived the dance rehearsals. Julian seemed to have changed too. I guess he got the hint because each time he touched me, it was with a professional air.

  I nodded, half paying attention to what Kristie was saying about taking theater in high school, but had never had a chance to be on stage, and that sometimes she felt like an underdog just like El Chapulín. I kept glancing down at my watch, hoping Nic would get here before Julian.

  “Ooh, there’s your mom,” Kristie said. “I’ll be right back to help you with the drinks after I talk with her.”

  “Okay.” I tore into the case, taking out the drinks.

  “Mandi, you’re here.” Chela walked over to me.

  “Hey, Chela,” I said.

  Chela was huge telenovela fan. She was nice, except when she was around Julian. He seemed to bring out the worst in her. I didn’t think she liked him that much despite them being cousins.

  Yeah, I liked Chela.

  “Can you help me with the ice? There’s another bag over there. Can you open it and put it in the ice chest?”

  “Yeah, sure.”

  As I lined the bottom of the ice chest with soda, I watch Kristie’s hands waving as she talked with Mom. Poor Mom. Although she was getting better at understanding English, I could tell she was having troubling following Kristie. Hell, even I had a hard time understanding Kristie when she was excited. The girl talked so fast her words came out like the hum of a jet liner.

  The ice was one big chunk so I hit it against the pavement, trying to break it apart. It was pretty heavy.

  “Here, let me.”

  I jumped back at the sound of Julian’s voice. His hair was wild and loose, brushing against his incredibly broad shoulders. Warm hands brushed against mine as he placed his hands over mine. Our eyes locked and, for a moment, everything was still. I couldn’t stop looking at him.

  Why couldn’t I stop?

  I stepped back. This was wrong. I scanned the park, looking for Nic.

  Damn it, Nic. Where are you?

  I rubbed my hands, trying to warm them, pretending I didn’t notice the way Julian’s biceps flexed when he smashed the ice against the ground. I ignored the way his black wifebeater clung to his body, showing off his muscled abs. And I definitely didn’t notice when he stood to face me, the wind blowing his hair, a few strands fluttering against his high cheekbones.

  “Cold?”

  Heat surged through me when he took my hands into his warm ones. I tried to tear my eyes away from his. He held me steadfast as he moved closer, stroking my fingers, blowing his hot breath onto my hands and warming my entire body. I pushed down the tingling sensation that threatened to emerge.

  Nic, where are you?

  “Please, don’t.” My voice was a whisper as I struggled to take my hands out of his.

  He leaned in, and his lips were dangerously close to mine. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

  Yes.

  “No.”

  He chuckled. “Good, then you wouldn’t mind dancing with me.”

  There was a Spanish song playing on the radio sitting on one of the picnic tables. A few couples were dancing to the music.

  “Aren’t you tired of dancing?”

  He pulled me to him, his hips moving to the gentle beat of the song. “I could never tire of dancing with you.”

  “Well, maybe I’m tried of dancing.”

  “Maybe you’re afraid.”

  I snorted. “I’m not afraid of you.”

  “I think you are.”

  “Puhleeze.”

  “Then dance with me.”

  “No.”

  “Baila conmigo, Manuela.” His sexy voice sent chills through me. “Dance with me and prove me wrong.”

  Slowly, my feet moved against my will as my hips swayed to the Latin rhythm. He took my hand in his, holding it gently as if he was afraid I’d let go. He twirled me gently. Slowly, I spun around, the world around me passing by in a blur. Then I stopped, and his body was within inches of mine. Carefully, he placed his hands on my hips. Gazing deeply, his dark eyes searched mine as he brought me closer to him. Our bodies moved in sync to the music, his gaze never letting go of mine. With each move we made, he drew me closer until I was pressed against his chest.

  In that moment, everything and everyone around us disappeared. There was only Julian and me: the smell of him, the heat of his body, the glistening of his skin. Julian was all around me, seeping into every crevice of my mind. My hand slid up his muscled arm, tracing the tattoo of the Aztec princess that stared up at me. She looked so much like me.

  I was floating, and Julian was the air around me. Even our voices were soft and lulling, like the tinkling of the piano playing a Spanish ballad.

  “Why do you fight me, Manuela?”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are.” His hand drifted up my bare arms, caressing them. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore. Let me help you.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Your family, your mother. I know.”

  “You know?”

  “Juan told me. Don’t be mad at him. He was worried. The secret was eating him up. And I understand. It happened in my family too.”

  “It did?”

  “Yes, and I know how hard it is to carry a secret like that. To always have to be careful about who your friends are, about not being free to go wherever you want. I know what it’s like having to move so that you won’t get caught. What it’s like having to lie, even to the ones you love.”

  My eyes stung with tears. I gazed into dark eyes filled with understanding. He was telling me every single thing I had felt. He knew. He understood. He was like me.

  “I can’t let you help. You’ll get into trouble.”

  “Let me worry about that.”

  His eyes held onto mine, searching, and I couldn’t hide. Those mesmerizing eyes latched onto something deep within me and were s
lowly drawing it out. I was losing the fight.

  “Why are you doing this . . . ?”

  To me.

  “I care for your family and you. I know you’re with Nic, and he’s a nice guy, but he can never understand you like I do.”

  I shook my head as he brought me closer to him. I wanted to tell him he was wrong, but the words got stuck in my throat, trapped in the deluge of emotions that I shouldn’t be feeling for anyone but Nic.

  “Wake up!” He gripped my arms, his dark eyes wild, daring me to see what he saw. “Look at Nic’s world. Look at your world. Our world. He doesn’t fit in. I do.” Loosening his grip, he glided his hands up my arms and then buried his fingers in my hair.

  I couldn’t look away. His voice was deep, melodic, and echoing within my mind.

  “I see the essence of your soul, Manuela. I know you—every single part of you. Tu voz.”

  My voice.

  His thumb stroked my neck as he drew me closer to him.

  “Tus ojos.”

  My eyes.

  A violent pulse thrashed against my chest as he kissed my temples. The scruff on his chin rubbed against my cheek as he kissed one side then the other.

  “Tus labios.”

  My . . .

  lips.

  He ducked his head, his lips hovering over mine, only a breath away, waiting.

  Time stilled, waiting for my answer. And in that moment, I wondered, wondered what it would be like to be kissed by Julian, wondered what it would be like to be the Aztec princess lying in the warrior’s arms, to never have to be the bridge between two worlds, to never have to worry that I didn’t fit in. I wondered what it would be like to be accepted for who I was and not have to compromise. I wanted to be able to share my secret with someone who understood because they’d been there too.

  Ever so slowly, my head tilted upward.

  Then Nic came filtering through my mind: the way he danced to a pop song no other guy would dare dance to just so he could touch me; the way he learned Spanish just to serenade me; and the night he bared his soul, loving me with all his heart.

  “I can’t.” Julian’s face fell. I wasn’t being fair to him either. He had felt what I had been feeling since the day I’d met him—that undeniable pull that I’d fought so hard against. So, for once, I unlocked my heart and admitted it.