Secrets & Surrender

by L. G. Castillo

  My stomach fell when Mr. Ruiz singled me out. And if I thought I could get away with it, I would’ve finished what I’d started and beat the shit out of Julian’s smug face.

  Red-rimmed eyes looked to me before she spoke. Every single word twisted like a knife in my heart because it was true. It was a truth that could keep me from Mandi and her family, no matter how hard I tried to win her back. “He came to tell me that his mother was the one who told the authorities about Mom.”

  Mr. Ruiz’s face was a mask when he looked over at me. I’ve always known him to be a fair and just man. After all, this was the same man who had welcomed me into his family like a son. Would he remember those words he had spoken to me so long ago, when I’d professed my love to Mandi in front of him and his wife?

  He studied me for a moment, and then let out a slow breath. “Nic, the family is having a difficult time right now. It may be best for you to go home.”

  My heart stopped, and I tried to remember to breathe. I couldn’t move. I looked to Mandi, her head was buried in her father’s chest.

  Please, Mandi. Please look at me.

  “Mr. Ruiz, I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to happen. I’d never do anything to hurt your family.”

  “I know that. But right now, I have a lot to deal with. We’ll talk soon. I promise.”

  I held onto his words like a life raft as I walked slowly to my car. He wasn’t completely kicking me out. But even so, Mandi kept her eyes downcast as I passed her.

  “Julian, your brother wants you go to his office,” he said. “He needs you to help with Flor’s case. I have some paperwork inside that you should take to him.”

  Bile filled my throat knowing that it was Julian who was by Mr. Ruiz’s side, fighting to get his wife, Flor, back home. Not me. I was a reminder of how a loving family had been torn apart.

  Following Mr. Ruiz into the house, Julian smirked then whispered something to Mandi. The last thing I saw as I drove off was the soft smile on her face when she looked up at Julian.

  chapter 37

  Mandi

  I stared out the screen door at the spot where Nic had parked his car, wishing that it would somehow magically reappear, wishing that somehow I could go back in time and say the things that I’d wanted to say, to tell Juan to fuck off and demand that Julian leave. I wanted Nic. I needed him.

  I’d always felt helpless around Julian, but Nic, Nic understood me. He never shutdown any of my opinions, even if they differed from his. And he always listened to my dreams. It never bothered him that I made better grades than he did or that math came easier to me than him. He’d just sit back and smile, his eyes filled with pride. He was the wind that lifted me, letting me soar through the sky.

  And Julian? I couldn’t turn him away. How could I? If it weren’t for his brother, Mom would’ve ended up at a detention center hundreds of miles away instead of in San Antonio. When Julian had whispered to me that his brother wouldn’t let him go near the case if he’d thought it was a lost cause, I knew it was a good sign. I owed him and his brother everything.

  “Manuela, come and sit down. You look tired,” Dad said.

  Sighing, I sank into the sofa. He was right. I was tired, tired of keeping a lifetime of secrets, tired of being the strong one.

  Folding my arms across my chest, I swallowed the resentment that shouldn’t have been there. I couldn’t help it. All of this mess was falling onto my shoulders. It affected everyone in the family, my education, and even my relationship with Nic. I closed my eyes, fighting against the horrid thought that I was actually angry with my own mother for putting me in this mess in the first place.

  “Dad?” Gazing at the floor, I slowly asked the question that I’d never dared to ask in all the years since I’d come to know about my mother’s secret. “Why didn’t Mom just get her paperwork like you did?”

  My eyes drifted up, afraid to look at my father’s face. When my eyes finally met his, they were sad, remorseful. My heart ached for him. “I’m sorry, Dad. You and Mom have given us everything. I’m sure you had your reasons. I don’t need to know.”

  “Yes, you do.” He placed a hand over mine. I stared down at his roughened, brown hands as he spoke. Those hands had worked to the bone to keep us fed, clothed, and in a place that we could call home. Those hands had held me with love, always with love.

  “Before you were born, I went to Los Angeles on a temporary work permit. Recruiters from a canning factory there came down to Saltillo to recruit workers. I didn’t want to go, but we just weren’t making enough to live on. I wanted to save enough money to build a life for your mother and to help her family too. She stayed in Mexico while I worked.” He paused, letting out a breath as he stared off into space, remembering. “I missed her so much. Every day away from her was like a year.”

  I nodded. I felt the same way about Nic. It hadn’t even been an hour and my arms already ached for him. I could only imagine how my father felt being so far away from the woman he loved and not being able to see or hear from her.

  “When I was finally able to call her a couple of months later, she told me the news that she was pregnant with you. I wanted her with me. I couldn’t stand the thought of her being away from me any longer. I asked my boss to give her a work permit too. He didn’t want to at first. But he finally gave in when I agreed that he could pay her less than what the other workers were making. And, God forgive me, I didn’t tell him she was pregnant. I knew he would’ve never allowed it if he knew. But I just had to have her with me. I love her so much.

  “You should have seen her back then.” Turning to me, his lips curled into a gentle smile. “So carefree and full of spirit. You look just like her when she was your age.” He brushed my hair off my face, kissing my forehead.

  “So she did come here legally?”

  His eyes widened with surprise. “Of course she did.”

  “I don’t understand. Why were we supposed to keep it a secret all these years? Why did she get arrested? Was it a mistake?” Hope leaped in my chest. Maybe it was a mistake. I’d heard about people with the same names being accidentally deported. Maybe that’s what had happened with Mom. I jumped up. “We need to tell Julian’s brother. Maybe he can get her out until all of this is cleared up.”

  “It’s not a mistake.”

  “You just said she came with a permit. All she has to do is show them the papers.”

  He swallowed thickly. Taking my hand into his, he gently pulled me to sit by his side. “It was only good for a few years. We...we never renewed it.”

  “Why?”

  “We submitted a petition for your mother to get a green card. But the waiting list was so long. Years. And after she had you, she couldn’t work in the factory anymore. I wouldn’t let her. They had us working twelve to fifteen hours with only a fifteen-minute lunch break. We tried finding her a better job. But we couldn’t find any that would support a permit for her.”

  “So you’re still waiting?”

  “Yes. We made a mistake.”

  “Oh, Dad!” I sobbed.

  He gathered me into his arms, rocking me as I cried into his chest. “We made a mistake. Please forgive us. At the time, we thought we were doing what was best for you. Then Juan came and Miguelito and Selina. We just wanted a good life for you, a better life than we could give you in Saltillo. That’s all we ever wanted.”

  “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry for being mad.”

  “I know. And I understand. We’ve asked a lot from you to keep the secret. Your mother and I know that it wasn’t fair for you and Juan to carry the burden.”

  “I never should’ve been with Nic. Then this never would’ve happened.”

  “There’s no blame here. Your mother and I take full responsibility for our mistakes.”

  I looked up at him with surprise. “You’re not mad at Nic?”

  “This is not his fault. He loves you very much. What matters is that when you asked him to keep a secret, he kept his word. And even when you were u
pset with him, he still came back for you. It takes a lot of love to push back your pride and fight for someone you love. He fought your brother, he fought Julian, and he even fought himself. He could’ve argued with me when I asked him to leave. He didn’t because he’s a man of honor. That’s the kind of man my little girl deserves.”

  “You want me to be with Nic?” Blinking, tears rolled down my face. “I don’t understand. I thought you liked Julian.”

  “Julian’s a nice young man, and I like him and his family. They’ve done much to help us. But he’s not the one for you. Nic is the one that brings the light in your eyes. It’s the same light I see whenever your mother looks at me. I don’t ever want to take that away from you. I’ve been without that light before. I know what it feels like, and I don’t ever want to have you go through that kind of pain.”

  I gazed into my father’s understanding eyes and wished I could tell him how I wanted to be with Nic, but that I was afraid that I’d make Mom’s chances of being released worse if I did. If I went with Nic, his mother might do something worse to Mom and maybe even have Dad fired. And then there was Julian. Would his jealousy prevent him and his brother from helping us? “Dad, I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”

  He kissed my forehead. “Listen to your heart. In time, you’ll hear the answer.”

  chapter 38

  Nic

  Sitting on the bench in the quad, I kept my eyes glued to the front door of the Tutor Zone. Fingering Mandi’s bobby pin, the same one I’d kept in my pocket since the night of our senior prom, I prayed to whatever deity would listen that Mandi would walk out that door.

  There was a throaty laugh, and my eyes zoomed to a curvy, dark-haired girl walking toward the center. My heart fell when she turned. Plain brown eyes scanned over my body. The girl gave me a flirty smile and waved.

  I looked away, not caring if she thought I was being a jerk. I just didn’t care anymore.

  It’d been almost a week and still no sight of Mandi. Every day before and after class, I came to sit and wait for her. I drove by her house every day. I even sat in one of her classes from beginning to end, hoping she’d show up. She didn’t. She was gone. Or maybe she was hiding from me. Did she hate the thought of seeing me so much that she wouldn’t even show up for work?

  I leaned back, staring at the door as students walked in and out. A bubbly girl bounced out and squealed when she spotted some guy. She ran into his arms and he kissed her, feeling up her ass in the process. She seemed to enjoy it because her face lit up even more. At least someone was happy. Must be nice not to have a care in the world.

  Another couple came out holding hands. They looked happy too. What was it with this place? And why was everyone smiling? Every person who passed by had a smile on their face, but not one of them was Mandi.

  I winced. Even saying her name in my head brought a resurgence of pain that she’d let me go. Juan must’ve told Mr. Ruiz about what had happened. Julian would’ve backed his story up too. And even if Mandi still wanted to be with me, she’d never go against her father’s wishes.

  Closing my eyes, I fought against the despair that threated to consume me. The urge to charge into her house and demand that I be heard warred with waiting for her to come to me. Instead, all I did was replay the day I let her slip away from me over and over in my head. It was a day I had thought was going to be one of the happiest of our lives because I was going to ask her to be my wife.

  I remembered the goddess who had walked down the aisle and how my chest had filled with so much love from the simple smile she’d given me. I remembered how her loving eyes had gazed into mine as Cassie and Cody recited their wedding vows. Then I remembered those same beautiful eyes turning to hurt and looking at me in disbelief from across the dance floor as she spoke on the payphone.

  The pin’s rhinestones dug into my palm as I gripped it tighter, remembering the expression on her face when she ran out of the building, the way she wrapped her arms around Julian’s waist, and the betrayed look in her eyes as they drove off together.

  My jaw tensed. I should’ve stopped her. I should’ve dragged her off the bike and demanded that she tell me what was going on. I had fucked it up.

  I squeezed my fist tighter, the pin digging deeper into my hand. I could feel a warm liquid slide down my hand as it pierced my skin.

  I had let her go. I had let her leave, and now she was gone, really gone. She was the only one who really knew me, who really believed that I was something more than a trophy boy. Without her, there was just an empty space inside of me that no one could ever fill. What was I going to do without her? I had to let her go, and the thought, the knowledge that it was the right thing to do, was tearing my heart into shreds and sending it into a dark abyss.

  I gasped. The pain was too much. I could feel a cold settling into my chest, filling in the empty space where my heart had previously existed.

  I reached out, clinging to the only thing I had left of her, memories: her breath on my face; her body next to mine; her hair splayed out on the pillow, wild and beautiful; her throaty laugh at my lame jokes; the sexy, uninhibited way she danced; her tender kisses loving every inch of my body on prom night; the night she found me at Five Mile Dam, staring out at the river; the way her dresses fluttered as she ran to me; and the breathlessness of her voice when she told me she loved me.

  I swallowed thickly, remembering every word her beautiful lips had uttered and how I couldn’t believe that she really loved me. I remembered the feel of her lips as I pressed against them, wondering at how lucky I was to have someone like her love me. I had won her heart. I’d had her. I’d had her, and now she was gone.

  All gone.

  Because of me.

  Maybe everyone was right all along. Maybe I had been a fool to believe that we were made for each other. We were from different worlds. Everyone was against us: my family, her family. It was too much.

  “Nic?”

  I opened my eyes to a soft voice and gazed into Kristie’s worried eyes. “I heard about what happened with Mandi’s mom.”

  “Yeah.” My eyes drifted down. I couldn’t even face the one friend I had left. “Have you seen Mandi?”

  “She called me yesterday. She told me why she wouldn’t be on campus this week.” She sat down beside me.

  “Did she tell you anything else?”

  “About what?”

  Man, it really was over. I wasn’t even an afterthought for Mandi. “You don’t know? She broke up with me.”

  “She did? I’m confused.” Her brow furrowed. “She asked me about you and whether I’d seen you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I went to your dorm room to look for you. She wanted me to check in on you.”

  “She still cares for me,” I said under my breath, disbelieving.

  “Of course she does. I think it’s amazing that you two can still be together after what your mother did. What you two have is the real thing if you can survive all that.”

  “She told you what Mother did to Mrs. Ruiz?”

  “Your mother did something to Mrs. Ruiz?”

  I blinked, confused, and wondered if Kristie had taken a little too much of her prescription medication. She tended to get a little strange when she did that.

  “What are you talking about, Kristie?”

  “You know, your mother sneaking into one of the talent show rehearsals last . . . spring . . .Crap!” Her voice faltered when she realized I didn’t have a clue about what she was talking about. Quickly, she looked away and dug into her backpack, shuffling books around. “Uh, you know, I just remembered I have to return a couple of books to the library.”

  “Kristie,” I warned, “what are you hiding from me?”

  She gazed up, her blue eyes wide. “Don’t make me tell you. I promised Mandi I wouldn’t, and I don’t want to lose Mandi as my friend.”

  “I’m your friend too, aren’t I?”

  “Yes,” she squeaked.

  “Wel
l . . .”

  “I can’t say.” She leaped to her feet. “You can talk to Mandi about it.”

  “I don’t think she wants to see me.”

  “Don’t be silly. I think she’s just really busy dealing with everything. Why else would she send Juan to get you?”

  “Juan’s here?”

  “I think it was him. I only met him once last spring, and he looks a little different. But it sure did look like him. He was sitting on a motorcycle in the parking lot outside the dorms. ”

  It was strange that Juan would be here for me. The kid hated my guts. And he must’ve borrowed Julian’s motorcycle to get here—another guy who hated me. Juan did whatever Julian told him to do. And the only way Julian would let him use his ride was if Mandi asked him to.

  I bolted out of my seat, excited. Mandi was looking for me. I’d been running between the quad and classes all day and hadn’t checked my messages on my answering machine.

  “Thank you!” I kissed Kristie on the cheek. “You’re the best friend ever!”

  “You’re welcome.” She laughed as I sped off to my dorm room.

  As I rushed through the parking lot, I didn’t see any sign of Juan or the motorcycle. I pounded on the elevator button, hating that the elevator was so slow today of all days. Why in the hell had I thought it would be a good idea to have a suite on the top floor?

  “Screw this,” I muttered and headed for the stairs. I sprinted up, pausing halfway to catch my breath and wondered whether I should just head straight to the Ruiz’s. I had no way of being sure if she was there. Maybe that’s why she had sent Juan over. My feet slammed against the stairs, echoing in the empty stairwell as I ran up the remaining flights. Excitement about the possible message waiting for me won over the stitch in my side. Finally reaching the top, I flew down the hall and blew the door open. Panting, I ran to the machine and my heart dropped when I spotted the steady red light.

  “Dominic.”

  I whirled around. I must’ve turned too fast and was in desperate need of oxygen because I swore I saw my father sitting in the kitchen. Wiping the sweat off my brow, I blinked and my vision refocused.