Antagonize Me

by T. L Smith

  I leave her office, not saying a word. When I get to the cafeteria area, some people look up and stare at me. I’m in a white gown, my hair is probably a mess and I have bandages covering my wrists. I go to touch my hair and when I run my fingers through it, it hurts. It’s all knots.

  “I was wondering when I’d get to see you,” a bubbly little blonde says to me. “I hear you crying at night. You must be in pain,” she says, her smile dropping. “I’m in the room next to you. I tried to kill my boyfriend though he deserved it for cheating on me,” she says, then grabs hold of my hand and drags me to the line for food. I pull back and she smiles and passes me a plate. I take it and look at the food. Nothing looks good at all, so I end up grabbing a bread roll.

  “You ain't hungry?” she asks as I sit next to her. I shake my head at her.

  “Who do you cry for?” she asks, shoveling pasta into her mouth. I look at her and think she’s bold. Who is she to ask these questions? She’s probably crazy.

  “I hear a name sometimes, but I can never make it out. Oh, and who is that pretty brown-haired lady that comes to visit you? I like her.” I shrug my shoulders at her. “Oh look, she’s here now. Can you introduce me?” she asks, sounding hopeful. I squeeze my eyebrows together and turn to see Hillary standing at the entrance looking in at me. I get up and make my way to her. She smiles with sad eyes when she sees me.

  “CJ,” she says and leans in to hug me, but I don’t hug her back.

  “Why am I here, Hillary?” I ask and she looks like she’s about to cry.

  “You were bad, CJ. I didn’t know what to do, so I called in a few favors,” she says referring to the hospital. Her father probably runs it.

  “Why was I bad?”

  “You didn’t stop drinking. You were hurt. You wouldn’t go and see him anymore and instead you started to hurt yourself,” she says, her gaze on the floor.

  “Sometimes people break, Hillary, but that’s no excuse to lock them up. Support would’ve been good!” I basically scream at her.

  “How much more could I support you? I cleaned you up every time you went on a bender. I fed you. I even washed you. I didn’t know what else to do. You were going down fast, I needed to do something!” she screams back at me.

  “I want to go home, back to the way things were,” I say, crying now. “How long has it been?” I ask her.

  “Two months,” she whispers.

  “How do I not remember?” I ask her.

  “There’s a medical term for it, I think it’s like PTSD or something.” She half-smiles at me.

  “I want to come home Hillary, take me home, please,” I plead with her.

  “Okay, as long as you agree to take your medication. I can’t do that again, CJ. It hurts too much,” she says, leaning in to hug me. I nod my head and we both start crying.

  “How is he?” I ask her, she knows who I’m referring to.

  “I think it’s best we just go there, CJ. You need to see for yourself.” I walk to my room and she follows. I grab the clothes that are there for me and place them on. She passes me a brush and I try to get it through my hair though it’s hurting my wrist with each stroke I take. She takes it from me and starts brushing my hair for me.

  “How is Tick?” I ask, wanting to listen to her speak.

  “He’s good, we broke up though,” she says and I hear the sadness in her voice. I spin around to her. “Why?” I ask.

  “I wouldn’t let him meet my parents and he asked why. I told him the truth that they wouldn’t approve of him so you can imagine how well that went down.” I turn back around and she continues to brush.

  “Don’t lose him, Hillary. It’s something that could destroy you,” I say to her softly.

  “I think a part of it already has, CJ,” she whispers. “I’m glad to have you back though, I’ve missed you so much.” I turn to her and take her into my arms.

  “I’ve missed you, too. Thanks for looking after me.”

  “Anytime,” she says and we both leave, with a little weight lifted from each of our shoulders.

  My heart is racing. I try to contain it, I really do, though it’s impossible. Since the hospital is voluntary stay, and Hillary’s dad checked me in, I can leave with the promise to take my medication. I will be fine, I will beat this.

  I remember pieces of my black out. I remember drinking to hide the pain, to make it go away. I didn’t want to feel. Then, when that stopped working, I tried to kill myself to destroy the pain that was there. I felt like I had too much loss, too much for me to handle. I stopped dreaming, stopped focusing on any of the good in my life and tried to end it. It didn’t work though, now I can see Kyrone and see what has happened to him. I feel selfish. Selfish that I left him and selfish that I doubted him. I feel terrible that so many years were spent apart when it was years that could have made us both happy.

  Hillary tells me before we leave the hospital that when he woke up, his first words were my name. He wanted me, needed me, and I was nowhere to be found. It breaks my heart all over again that I wasn’t there to support him and be there for him in his time of need. I don’t know if I would have been able to handle it though because my life was broken, I was broken. Sometimes it takes a while to stand back on your own two feet. It’s just sad that I put Hillary in a position to deal with that.

  “How did I get there, Hillary?” I ask, not having much memory of it.

  “I found you, CJ, in the shower, naked and bleeding. It was worse than any of the benders you went on. This time there was so much blood, it was everywhere. Tick was there and he scooped you up and wrapped your hands up with towels. I just stood there immobile. He was great,” she says sobbing, tears streaming down her face.

  “You had a razor blade and your face was wet, either with tears or the water. I think it was tears, you cried a lot. I would hear you at night, screaming from your bedroom. I would run in to hold you and you were always in the same position, clutching your belly, holding it so tight you started to bruise yourself.” She wipes away her last tear and looks up at me.

  “I had no choice, I had to do what was best for you. Dad runs that hospital. He said since you had no next of kin and I lived with you, I could check you in, though you could leave when you wanted. I just hoped you would be there longer, you needed to heal.” I nod my head and start to cry, understanding now what I put her through and how hard it would have been for her.

  “I’m not better, Hillary. I’m not going to lie and say I am,” I wheeze out, trying to calm myself. “I want to try, I really want to try. This isn’t me, I don’t break. I always thought I was stronger. I guess everyone has a breaking point though, and the last loss for me was that point,” I say.

  “Kyrone’s mother rang me every week, wanting to see how you were, where you were. Sometimes I lied to her, sometimes I spoke the truth. She cares for you.”

  I don’t respond. I didn’t speak much to Michelle. I know she cared, she saw how I broke, she saw how much I loved her son. I remember her hand across her mouth when they said I was pregnant.

  “CJ, I know it’s not something you want to talk about, but maybe it might be good to talk about the baby,” she says ever so softly, choosing her words carefully.

  “I will, I think I will. When I am ready, but I think it needs to be with him first.”

  “Yes, that’s good CJ,” she says as we walk to her car.

  “Is he… is he still in the hospital?” I ask.

  “I’m not sure. He wanted to leave as soon as he was awake, but he wasn’t allowed. He called your phone and left so many messages. I didn’t listen to them, I think you should in your own time. I think it broke him that you weren’t there. He knew though that it was hard for you. I never went into detail, that’s not my place to. He just asked me to keep him updated, since he couldn’t leave the hospital.” She opens the door for me and I climb in, looking up at her.

  “You’re an incredible friend, Hillary,” I tell her truthfully. She smiles at me. “That was a lo
t to handle. Me, I mean,” I say softly to her.

  “I would handle you any day. You’re worth it, CJ,” she says and leans down to kiss my cheek. I pull her in and hug her tight. She walks to her side and climbs in. I change the subject, too much heavy information for the day so far.

  “How is Katrina?” I ask.

  “She’s good, she just had the baby. You should have seen her when she had to change the diaper! That girl is not cut out for that. Her husband realized and hired a nanny. It’s so funny, she insists she can do it, but she just gags every time,” she tells me with a smile on her face. I try to smile for her. I do, I really do, though I can’t. Baby thoughts are not what I need right now.

  “Fuck, sorry!” she says, and I smile at the naughty words leaving her mouth.

  “You need to work it out with Tick, Hillary. He loves you,” I tell her.

  “And I love him. I’m coming to realize that, no matter how much I love my family. I need to do what’s best for me and he is what’s best for me,” she says, smiling at the thought of him.

  “You do and if he is it? Fight for it, keep it.”

  I wake up with pain, pain everywhere. I can’t move, my body feels like it’s weighted to the bed. I look to my left and see my mother sitting in the chair asleep, I look to my right and see my father doing the same. I move and make a noise, my father opens his eyes and comes to my side with a cup of water. I try to speak again, and my mouth and throat hurts. “Christina?” I manage to say, my mother comes to stand beside me. She grabs hold of my hand and gives a light squeeze, but she looks sad. I wonder if she has met her yet? I bet she loves her, she is impossible not to love. Her smile stops heartbeats, her crazy hair matches her personality when you get her riled up.

  “Honey, she isn’t here,” my mother says softly. Her eyes are sad, and I can’t make out if it’s because of where I am.

  “Can you call her?” I manage again. She looks down and just as she does the doctor walks in.

  He smiles at me and checks my chart. “Can you please tell me your name and date of birth?” he asks looking up only once. I say my name and give him all the details he needs. He then asks me for the today’s date, and I tell him. He then proceeds to tell me I’ve been in a coma for one month. I don’t say anything when he says that. I’m beyond shocked.

  “You’ve had surgery on both your legs, they were broken. We’ve had to keep you in a coma to reduce the swelling of your brain. Your cast will be removed in three weeks’ time. You’ll need a bit of physio to see how the functions are in your legs.”

  “What about my work?” I ask not taking everything in.

  “Yes, your father has spoken to me about that. You will need to take the rest of the season off. I believe you will make a full recovery, you just have to take it easy for a while. Your body has been through a lot,” he tells me then proceeds to check me over. I sit there watching the door, waiting for her to walk through. To see her.

  “Where’s my phone?” I ask my mother, she passes it to me and I don’t read any of the messages or acknowledge any of the calls. I dial her number and it goes straight to voicemail, her voice fills my ears and I smile.

  “You have reached me. If you don’t know who me is, you have the wrong number unless it’s Kyrone. You always have the wrong number.” She laughs before the message stops.

  “Hunny, she’s gone. She… she was not well.” I look at her and see tears in her eyes.

  “What do you mean she isn’t well?” I ask my mouth going dry again for different reasons.

  “We haven’t spoken to her for a few weeks. She left,” my father says.

  “Where did she go?” I ask looking back at my mother with tears welling in her eyes.

  “She was not well!”

  “You said this already,” I reply on the verge of screaming.

  “She was pregnant, Kyrone,” my father says, and my head snaps to his.

  “What?” I ask looking back and forth to both of them.

  “She lost the baby, Kyrone and she lost herself as well. The look in her eyes still haunts me,” my mother says shaking her head, trying to rid the thoughts that are taking place right now.

  “I need to see her. Where is she?” I scream the last part.

  “You can’t move, you still have to recover.”

  “Fuck my recovery! If someone doesn’t find her I will tear these casts off my fucking legs and find her myself,” I tell my parents as I sit up and remove the blankets that are now covering my legs. My legs are both in casts. I look to them realizing now what the doctor had said. I grab for my phone again, this time ringing Hillary. She answers on the first ring.

  “Kyrone,” she whispers.

  “Hillary, tell me she’s there,” I say into the phone.

  “She is, but Ky, she isn’t well. She has checked out, she’s blank.”

  “Can I speak to her?” I ask.

  “She’s just passed out and I don’t want to wake her, Ky. She hardly sleeps,” she says sounding desperate.

  “Hillary, I’m going to come for her. I’ll make her better,” I tell her sounding sure of myself.

  “I don’t know if that will do any good, she needs help. If she doesn’t get better, Ky… I’m her next of kin and I’m going to take her to my father’s hospital.”

  “Will you keep me posted?” I ask my heart breaking that there’s nothing I can fucking do to help her right now.

  “Of course,” she says. “I’m glad you’re awake,” she whispers.

  “Every day Hill, I want to know how she is every day,” I say. She replies with a yes and I hang up.

  Every day I speak to Hillary, and every day she picks up and tells me how bad or good she’s been doing. It’s bad when she tells me what happens, that she’s so low that nothing can bring her back up and that she wants to take her own life. I wasn’t there when she lost our baby. I don’t know the hurt that is suffocating her heart and her soul. I can barely understand her pain. I just know I will be there for her, no matter what. I agree with Hillary that she should take her to her father’s hospital. It hurts though, I feel insignificant like I’m useless. I want to be there to shake it out of her. To tell her that I will love her enough for both of us until she’s ready.

  The day I leave the hospital, walking out of there feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can go to her now, hold her, have her and hopefully fix those broken pieces and put them back together.

  My phone starts ringing, it’s Hillary. “I’m bringing her home,” she says.

  “To mine,” I say not giving her a chance to argue.

  “Yes Ky, to you,” she replies and hangs up.

  I circle the living room, watching the front door waiting for that knock. Knowing who will be on the other side. I feel like hours have passed before she does, and when she does… my heart stops. It starts a regular heavy beat, beating out of my chest with each step that I take.

  Hillary drives us back to Kyrone’s apartment. She doesn’t speak much on the way, just about her work and how it’s going. I look out the window most of the way, answering when necessary. When we pull to a stop, I open my door and step out. I look at Hillary and she passes me my phone, telling me she isn’t coming up.

  As I walk into the building, a dread comes over me. What am I going to do? What would I say to whoever is in there? I knock when I reach the door, and when it’s opened by Kyrone my heart stops. I take a step back and look at him. He looks the same like everything was a dream. His hair is shorter in places on his head, probably where they had to shave it for the surgery. He doesn’t speak and neither do I. He looks me over and stops at my wrists.

  “How are you?” he asks cautiously.

  “Good, I think,” I murmur back to him.

  “I’ve missed you,” he says, reaching for my hands.

  “Do you know?” I ask him, referring to the baby. He looks puzzled at first. “I couldn’t carry your baby. I’m a useless woman,” I tell him how I feel. He pulls me to
him and I’m careful that I may hurt him. “How are you walking?” I ask, looking down at his legs.

  “You are not a useless woman, do not ever say that again. You just had too much stress. First your grandfather, then me, then the baby. Any normal person would break, Christina.”

  I cry into his shirt, letting him hold me.

  “I was in so much pain,” I sob, hoping he knows that I’m not now, now that I see him.

  “Yes, I know, Christina. You have dealt with a lot, but that’s what I’m here for, to pick you back up and make you smile again.”

  “How could you do that if you were broken?” I ask him.

  “Sometimes two broken pieces make a whole, baby.”

  “It just hurts, it all just hurts.” I silently scream into his shirt.

  “I know, believe me, I know. When I found out, I needed to find you, I needed you with me. You see, Christina, I gave you my heart once, but you didn’t just want that. No, you took my soul.” I drop my head to him and cry into his chest. He makes me feel better, so much better than I’ve ever been.

  “Why didn’t you find me?” I ask in a small voice.

  “I tried, but I couldn’t leave the hospital. I tried to so many times, then they brought the big guns in… Hillary. She promised to look after you and I believed her. There was nothing I could do strapped to a hospital bed, helpless,” he sighs.

  “Why are you here?” I ask, lifting my head away from his chest.

  “Well, God delivered and I signed.” He winks, making fun of the situation.

  “This isn’t time for jokes.” I half-smile at him.

  “I got to see the start of your beautiful smile, I think it’s the perfect time,” he says.

  “I met your mother,” I say as I follow him inside.

  “I know, she likes you,” he replies.

  “I call bullshit. She saw me break down. There’s no way she likes me,” I fire back at him.