Fixing Tanner (Second Chances Book 3)

by Rachel Del

  Leah looked down at her shoes and then glanced sideways at Nathan.

  “I wasn’t sure that I could fall for anyone. Now I have and not even twenty-four hours later I’m here asking you if I’m crazy for not giving it a go with Sam.”

  Lily studied her sister, noting the exhaustion in her eyes. Clearly this had been weighing heavily on her.

  “You’ve only just let Tanner in, Leah. After years of shutting everyone out you’ve finally let someone in. And it wasn’t Sam,” she noted. She glanced over at Nate and smiled before continuing. “I was married when I met Nate and look at us now. If two people are meant to be they will find a way to be together. You and Sam would have found a way to be together by now if it was really meant to be. But you didn’t. You and Tanner – as messed up as you both are, no offence – found a way to come together.”

  Nathan smiled at Lily. Her unwavering belief in love and romance despite all she had been through was something he most loved about her. He reached over and slid his hand under hers, their fingers interlocking.

  “You don’t even like Tanner,” Leah said.

  Lily shot Nathan a glance that warned him to keep quiet.

  “He’s done and said some pretty shocking things,” she began, thinking of his novel. It was obvious that he had yet to tell Leah about it. “But you know me, I’m pretty open with second chances. Or wait… are we on a third now? I’ve lost count.”

  “So what you’re saying is that I have a call I need to make.” It was more of a statement to herself than a question.

  “You’ll feel better once you speak with Sam. I swear.”

  Tanner called her just as she was walking out Lily’s door.

  “Are you tired of me yet or can I persuade you to spend the night with me tonight?” Leah was certain that these were words he had never said to anyone else. She couldn’t help but smile.

  “I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Twenty-eight if I stop and get some of that cheap wine we like.”

  She could almost hear him smile through the phone.

  “Twenty-eight minutes it is.”

  Chapter 17

  The next morning, Leah was surprised to wake up to an empty bed. After throwing on Tanner’s terry robe and heading into the kitchen to make coffee, she was even more surprised to find herself alone in the house. Things sure had changed.

  As the coffee maker hissed and sizzled she wandered into the living room, checking out the books on his shelves. That he was a big reader was one of the things she found so sexy about him. That, and that beautiful mind of his that had written such beautiful novels. She wondered idly what he was working on now.

  With a steaming cup of coffee in hand she settled down on the couch and flicked on the television. After a few minutes of endless channel surfing that had come up empty, she gave up and headed back towards the bookshelves. As she passed by the untouched dining room table a book caught her eye.

  The moment that Leah lifted the black, hardcover notebook from the table she felt an uneasiness settle in the pit of her stomach. Pushing past it, she turned over the cover.

  May 12, 2012 - After seeing Alicia for five weeks, I decided to be honest and tell her the truth: that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. Like the last girl, I felt only lust. She on the other hand, was in full-on romantic love territory; rainbows, sunshine, little babies and all that bullshit. Definitely time to pull the plug. Not a total loss though. I did gather some great intel.

  “What…?” She said to the empty room.

  What exactly had she just found? She glanced at a few more pages, horrified. She was basically staring at Tanner’s incredibly detailed black book.

  Leah couldn’t understand why he would write such a thing. And why on earth would he leave it out in plain view? Unless… he wanted her to find it. But why? That would just be fifty shades of fucked up.

  Her hands began to shake as she thumbed through more pages, her stomach twisting into knots as she grazed over the words. His handwriting. His words.

  November 4, 2014 – Ana is the first girl in a while that has let me take her from behind. What a feeling of complete and utter control. Afterwards, she demanded I lay next to her. I asked my usual questions: what are you looking for? What do you want out of life? Do you believe in soul mates? Etc. She held my hand as she told me about herself. This girl is looking for a real connection. I get the feeling that she could be an interesting one to keep around.

  November 15, 2014 – Sex with Ana again, this time she wanted me on top “so that she could look into my eyes.” Definitely looking for a real connection, which she may think she’s forming with me. Smart girl, she is. I need to dig a little deeper with this one.

  November 21, 2014 – Forget what I last said. I had to break things off with Ana when she suggested I meet her parents. Let her down gently, but was honest with her. Will miss that ass of hers, though.

  Leah barely registered the sound of keys in the door behind her, and before she knew it, Tanner was standing beside her, a paper bag tucked under his left arm.

  “Hey babe, what’s—” his breath caught in his throat as he took in the scene in front of him.

  “What the hell is this?” She tried and failed to keep her voice calm.

  “Leah…”

  “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”

  He dropped the paper bag and stepped towards her, reaching for the book, but she snapped it away from him.

  “It’s nothing.”

  Leah scoffed. “This is sure as hell not nothing.”

  Tanner was silent as he struggled to find the right words to say. The truth was that there wasn’t anything he could do or say that would make this hurt any less. By not telling her about his book he had been knowingly lying to her.

  It was time to come clean.

  “It’s research for my novel.”

  Lily gawked at him, her mouth hanging open just enough that Tanner could see her moist, pink tongue.

  “I don’t even know what to say right now. This is… disgusting.”

  She continued to flip through the pages until something caught her eye. It was her name, followed by every gory detail of their first night together.

  “Oh my god…”

  “Leah.”

  She lifted her finger to silence him, and turned the page, and then another. She had just about read all she could handle. “This is all for a book?”

  Tanner sighed. “Yes.”

  Leah nodded repeatedly, trying to make sense of it all. “Three years... and… how many girls? I can’t even—”

  “I’m sorry Leah. I started it a long time ago, long before I met you.”

  “That would have been a convenient excuse had you not continued on with this sick side show after we met.” She jabbed the notebook with her index finger. “Jessica, June 19, 2015.”

  She turned some more pages. “Hayley, July 12, 2015… Grace, July 14, 2015. Jesus, Tanner, you sure do get around.”

  “You said you didn’t want a relationship with me—”

  “Yeah. You’re right, I did. And this is why. You’re sick.” She threw the book down on the couch beside her and rose to her feet.

  “Where are you going?” He followed her into the bedroom.

  “I’m getting changed and getting the hell out of here.”

  “Leah, please just stay and let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing to explain, Tanner.”

  He watched as she dressed and then sat on the edge of the bed to put on her shoes. In one swift movement he was down on his knees in front of her, holding her hands in his.

  “They’re just notes for a book of fiction, Leah. They don’t mean anything.”

  “Well they sure as hell mean something to me. And I’m guessing that they would mean something to those other women who had their bodies and sexual preferences written out in detail; or worse, the women who you strung along in some kind of fucked-up pseudo relationship.”

  “You’re right, I’m sorry.” It was his
best attempt at an apology. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

  Leah sunk down to the floor so that they were face to face, her chest heaving with each heavy breath. “Do you love me?” she asked.

  They hadn’t said those words. They had barely scratched the surface of their feelings for each other, but it suddenly felt like the most important question that she could ask.

  Tanner faltered. “I—”

  “Do you love me? It’s a yes or no question.”

  “I don’t know what you want to hear.”

  Leah smiled sadly. “Yeah,” she said.

  That was it: yeah.

  “I’m even more fucked up than you know, Leah. Even if I did love you, you wouldn’t want me to. I don’t know how to love anyone.”

  Leah rose to her feet. “That may be the first honest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

  She left the bedroom, heading for the front door, with Tanner following sheepishly behind her. He swallowed shakily.

  “I know this is messed up, but you can’t go. I don’t want you to go.”

  Leah looked into Tanner’s sad green eyes. “It’s me or the book, Tanner. I mean it.”

  “It’s not that simple,” he said, breaking eye contact with her. “This is my livelihood we’re talking about. If I’m not writing, I’m not making money.”

  “You’re a smart guy, you’ll figure something out.”

  And with a final sad smile Leah turned on her heels and walked out the door.

  __

  Leah couldn’t help but feel like a fool. From the first night she went home with Tanner her head had been screaming “No! No!” And while she had listened at first, he had worn her down. How many women had fallen for that his act? How many would in the future? She had thought she was smarter than that, what with her golden rules and all; yet one by one she had broken them all, believing that love would be worth it in the end.

  She’d been so wrong.

  She looked around her empty apartment, suddenly feeling as though it was far too small; the memories of she and Tanner making her suddenly claustrophobic.

  She reached for the phone on her nightstand, then stopped. Who could she possibly talk to? She would feel like a fool calling Lily. The last time they had spoken Lily had put all of her issues with Tanner aside to assure Leah that he was a good guy, one who was deserving of love. What would she think if she knew what kind of guy he really was?

  She had no one to talk to.

  So she did the only thing she could think to do that might make her feel better: she dragged herself into the kitchen and poured herself a couple fingers of whiskey.

  It wasn’t until she was nearly finished the drink that she realized whiskey had always been his drink. Before him she had never had the stomach for it.

  “Fuck you, Tanner,” she whispered to herself and then before she could think better of it, she grabbed her phone to type out a text.

  I’m embarrassed it took me this long to realize what I wanted. You’re right; there’s nothing stopping us from finally giving us a go. You up for a last minute trip out to Las Vegas this weekend?

  Sam has been and always would be more gentle with her already fragile heart.

  Chapter 18

  Three Years Ago

  Tanner eyed the front door longingly.

  “The more women a man has had sex with, the lower the odds are that he can be sexually gratified by one woman. Ever.”

  The blonde furrowed her brow, “You’re so full of it,” she said, laughing. Then, as it sunk in that he wasn’t joking around, she slowly placed her hands, palms down, on the table in front of her.

  “So let me get this straight. You’re using your promiscuity as an excuse to stop seeing me?”

  Tanner grinned. “It would appear that way.” He waited for her drink to end up on his face, but it never came.

  “You’re an asshole.”

  He watched with amusement as she jumped up from her chair and stormed off, then reached into his satchel, removing a worn, black notebook and a pen.

  May 12, 2012 - After seeing Alicia for five weeks, I decided to be honest and tell her the truth.

  Tanner wrote down the remainder of his thoughts, and then glanced around the bar, running his hand through his dark head of curls and down through his three-day old stubbled chin. The night was still young, and he was ready for his next subject.

  His pale green eyes scanned the room, sizing up the women in front of him. A curly-haired brunette caught his eye and smiled. Tanner employed his signature move: he dropped his head, slowly looking down at his lap – a grin crossing his face – and then flicked his gaze back at her, suddenly. It was a move that gave off the impression that he was timid, that “this” was something he didn’t do often… and just like now, it worked every time.

  He studied her as she approached him: 5’5”, athletically slim with an average sized chest, and a sense of confidence that he could see from a mile away. This wasn’t her first rodeo.

  She held out her right hand. “Hey, I’m Sarah.”

  “Sarah,” he repeated, doing his best to commit it to memory. He was known for many things, but remembering names was certainly not one of them. “I’m Tanner. Won’t you sit and have a drink?”

  “I would love to.”

  It always began the same way: some bar, a few drinks, and plenty of smiles. He would ask all the right questions and pay the right amount of attention, letting it slip that he is a published author at just the right time. That was always what sealed the deal. Suddenly they’d want to know what he had written and what he was working on now. Some even went so far as to ask if he ever imagined they could be a character in one of his novels. He had them, one after another… hook, line, sinker.

  “You want to get out of here, Sarah?”

  “Definitely,” she replied. Just like they all did.

  Back at his place, Tanner would pour them a glass of wine and show them around, always ending in the bedroom. Sarah failed to disappoint.

  “Come here,” she said, inching onto the bed. “You’re too far away.”

  Tanner obliged, sliding down next to her. He reached out and grasped the back of her head, pulling her towards him and pressing his lips against hers. A moan escaped her lips and he felt himself go hard. He took her hand and held it against his jeans, wanting her to feel how much he wanted her.

  “Mmmm, someone’s ready for me,” she cooed into his ear, sending goose bumps down his neck and back.

  “Take off your dress,” he demanded, and watched her climb to her feet and shimmy out of her slinky black dress. When she motioned to sit back down beside him he stopped her.

  “Bend over.”

  Sarah stepped pressed her hands into the bed, her rear end high in the air. Tanner stood up and positioned himself behind her, running his hand down her spine. With his free hand he tugged at his jeans, undoing the fly and setting himself free, and then pushed himself against her, feeling the soft cotton of her panties. She moaned again, and it was all he could do not to come undone.

  “Tanner,” she said and he tugged her panties down until they fell to her ankles. Reaching into the drawer beside him he grabbed for a condom, sliding it on, and in seconds he was inside of her. Filling her. Owning her.

  “Oh God!”

  Tanner moved in and out of her, one hand gripping her waist and the other pressed firmly between her shoulder blades. This was how he loved women the best.

  “I want to see you,” she said, panting.

  “No, I love it like this… god I love it like this.” He continued moving behind her, increasing his speed until he felt the familiar rush flow through him. Satisfied, he released her and flopped over onto the bed beside her.

  “Take a rest, Young. You’ve got twenty minutes and then it’s my turn.”

  And that’s why he loved women like her. They sucked, fondled and moaned and he barely had to say two words. And they never stopped for a second to think that there was anything different abo
ut him. They never cared to know why he was the way he was.

  Afterwards, Tanner lay next to Sarah, running his fingers along her forearms, thinking that he deserved a medal of honor for remembering her name for this long.

  “Tell me about you,” he said, like he always did. “I want to know it all.”

  Everything she said after that point – everything she did – became material that he filed away in his head until he could put it into words and down on paper.

  These women that Tanner was with didn’t know it but they were giving him everything he needed to keep writing. And though he didn’t know it, they were also giving him everything he needed to continue avoiding the truth.

  He was more fucked up than anyone could even begin to realize.

  Tanner fingered the whiskey glass in his hand, knowing that he should stop drinking. This was why people drink, wasn’t it? To escape reality? And maybe that’s how people turn into alcoholics. They drink to escape a shitty life, to escape the emotional pain, and then the next day they’re stuck with a lousy hangover that requires them to drink to escape the physical pain. Before you know it they’re stuck in a vicious cycle and drunk all the time. And then they’re probably stuck trying to decide if they’re any better off than they were before.

  The sex… the drinking… they just happened to be the easiest way to avoid reality.

  Chapter 19

  Present Day

  Leah had gone against everything that she believed in. Keep things light. Don’t let them stay overnight. Don’t get attached. She had failed on all three counts. And now she had to deal with the repercussions of falling in love with a man who she had felt all along could never be right for her.

  From the moment she met Tanner, Leah had spent enormous amounts of time wondering what made him the way he was. One thing was for sure: he was great at pretending to be someone he wasn’t. But why did he feel he needed to be anyone other than his true self? As someone who was open and honest almost to a fault, Leah just couldn’t relate. Not just that: she truly couldn’t understand.