My Cousin Wendy

by Al Sloane

  I woke up about 3:30 in the morning. The bed woke me up, because it was colder than I was used to.

  Glendora's not the Garden of Eden, but I like it. It can get VERY smoggy in the summer because it lies right at the base of the San Gabriel mountains. The slogan on the population signs is "The Pride of the Foothills."

  Being in the "other" valley, it can get 5 - 10 degrees hotter than downtown LA. (THE Valley is the San Fernando Valley. That's where all the porn is made and the Valley Girls rule.) Of course, the beaches are 5 - 10 degrees cooler. There are usually about 5 nights a year that the temperature goes up to 100 or more and drops into the high 90's at night. But most of the time it can go up in the 80's, 90's, 100's and cool down at night. I don't mind the heat too much as long as it's not too hot to sleep. I like my sleep.

  Being too cheap to install and operate an air conditioner I only need a couple of days a year, I have a couple of standing fans near the front and back doors, a ceiling fan in the living room and a box fan in my open bedroom window (unless I'm running a hose through it for the waterbed).

  We'd been having some hot days, high 80's to low 90's, so I had the bottom sheet, top sheet and a light blanket on the bed. It felt cool when I went to sleep, but I just kind of snuggled into the blanket (old guys do like to snuggle, even when they're alone).

  I got up and used the toilet, got another blanket and slept between the two blankets. I also turned the waterbed heater up a bit before I got in.

  I got up at 7 and put on the coffee. A half hour in the bathroom and I was ready to face the day.

  My guys came by at 9 and I got their time sheets and signed work orders while they picked up their new work orders for the week and stocked up on parts. They were gone by 9:30.

  I got myself another cup of coffee and started calling customers to check on the work done last week. I haven't had one customer complaint since I started doing this a couple of years ago. They may have things that weren't done to their satisfaction, but I call them before they have time to call me. I'll occasionally run into one who's been stewing about it all weekend and is ready to give me hell on Monday morning, but the steam kind of boils out of them when I tell them we'll fix it. And I don't just send the guy who screwed up to fix it. He has to go with his foreman or me and show exactly what he did, explain why he did it his way instead of our way. Independence is fine, but when you've put 25 years into coming up with a standard way to install things properly and some 19 year old know it all starts losing customers because he "knows a better way," it's time to part company.

  My guys take pride in their work. I have no problem with a mistake or two. If you're constantly going to be screwing things up, go work for the government where you belong.

  One customer we'd installed a phone system for last week called before I called her, wondering why she wasn't getting any calls. I had her verify that the displays were on (indicates the system is plugged in) and she got dial tone on the lines. She'd called me on her cell phone because she didn't think the new system worked. She had a flashing intercom light and could see a couple of lines were lit. I gave her the code to put the system in the day ring mode and told her she needed to check voice mail because that's where all the calls had been going. I also told her I'd have one of the installers over there this morning to go over the operation.

  "And you should have been on the phone to me five minutes after you walked in the door this morning."

  "I didn't want to bother you."

  "How much would a real good new account make your company?"

  "I don't know, maybe 5 - $10,000 a year."

  "So, what if you lost three of those because your phones aren't ringing. Do you think your boss is going to be happy with you if he finds out you didn't want to bother me?"

  "No."

  "Call me. I don't care how stupid the question is. We sold you a phone system. You paid a lot of money for it. If you don't know how to use it or it doesn't do what it's supposed to, we haven't earned that money."

  "Well, I was out last week and we had a temp. I figured my boss would tell me what to do when he came in later."

  "I understand, but you're the phones as far as anybody calling in is concerned. When they dial that main number they get you. Not your boss. I want you to let me know what you need and want. OK?"

  "Yes."

  "Good. If I get any complaints about the system from your boss, I'm going to come after you. I'll have one of my guys over there within the next couple of hours to show you how to use the system. They should have left a big manual for the phone system, a little smaller one for the voice mail and user guides for each."

  "Oh, yeah. They're in a box next to my desk."

  "OK. Show him them when he comes in. Now don't forget. Call me if you need me."

  "I will."

  I had to go through this or something like it every 5 systems or so. I couldn't afford to leave a tech camped out at a site for days, but the customer should feel comfortable about calling in about a problem. The real problem was that the level of service has dropped as a whole in this country. When I was a boy... But it's true. When I was a boy only criminals thought they could get away with taking money and not being responsible for what they took it for. But the norm had become "things just aren't the same these days as they used to be."

  I stepped down from my soapbox and got another cup of coffee. I gave Vic a call and sent him over to the new installation. I told him to make damn sure there was a night ring button programmed on the reception phone and that it was labeled. And that she knew how to use it. He didn't know if they'd done anything about labeling the phones.

  I called back and got the receptionist's email address. I told her Vic would be in to show her the ropes, that he would be happy to show any of the workers how to use their phones and voice mail and that I would email some blank labels she could fill in on her computer and print out. I told her to make sure she knew what she was doing with the labels before she let Vic leave. And that he was to check in with me before he took off.

  I hung up just in time for Wendy's call to come through. She was quiet on the phone, not herself.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing."

  "No, really. What's the matter."

  "I'll be alright."

  "OK. Nice talking to you." I hung up the phone.

  I let it ring until the answer machine picked up, waited three seconds and picked up the phone. "Hello?"

  "Why did you hang up on me?"

  "You obviously didn't want to talk. If you're hurting, I don't want to talk about a bunch of crap. If you want to tell me what's wrong, I'll listen. If you want to sit there and suffer, I'll let you. But I'm not going to suffer with you."

  "Damn it Pete, you don't know what it's like."

  "Damn it Wendy, how the hell can I if you won't tell me? What's wrong?"

  "I'm FAT." She said it with the same disgust as if she'd said "I smell like I've been dead for three weeks and there are maggots crawling out of my eyes."

  "So. You were fat yesterday."

  "Not like this. You don't care."

  "Yeah. You're probably right. But tell me about it anyway."

  "I had to move my seat back. My fat old belly is in the way and I can't get in my car. And I have to stretch my legs to work the pedals."

  "OK. When did you get pregnant?"

  "You know. December 25. Christmas."

  "OK. And today's May 24. You're still in the second trimester."

  "So?"

  "So, we still have time to get an abortion."

  "I don't want an abortion."

  "Then maybe we can get you some kind of girdle that will squoosh the baby so you can be thin and she'll look like one of those kids from Africa they want you to adopt on late night TV."

  "Damn you, I don't want to squoosh the baby."

  "Then I guess you'll have to be fat for a few months so you can go through God's miracle and deliver us a beautiful, healthy baby."

  "I guess."


  "Are you wearing one of your new shirts?"

  "Yes."

  "What does it say?"

  "It says MOM and has an arrow pointing up and under it it says BABY and has an arrow pointing down."

  "Did anyone say anything?"

  "Yeah. They all came over and were talking about how I'm showing and can wear shirts like that and a couple wished they were pregnant."

  "Well try looking at yourself the way they do. You've got a second chance to be a mom and you're complaining about what you have to go through. Were you this big a bitch with Randy?"

  "I don't remember."

  "Well, straighten up. I like you fat. I look at you and I think 'I did that. I helped create that life my lover is nurturing until she's ready to step out into the world by herself.' And I fall a little more in love with you."

  She was sniffling by this time. She put the phone down and I heard her blow her nose.

  "You dweeb. I love you too."

  "I know. Now straighten up or I won't take you away with me next weekend."

  "Really? Where are we going?"

  "Somewhere we've been before. Somewhere you'll like. I'm not going to tell you. If you behave for the rest of the week, I'll take you. If not, I'll put you over my knee."

  "You wouldn't!"

  "Do you really believe I wouldn't?"

  "No, I guess not."

  "Alright. I want you to be proud of the way you look. Do you realize what a miracle it is for a 45 year old woman to have a healthy baby growing in her belly? You should be prouder of that belly than I am. It should be a badge of honor to you, something you flaunt, just like you did yesterday when we walked up and down the mall."

  "OK. I'll be good."

  I'd made reservations for this weekend a couple of weeks ago. I called the motel to see if I could get another room. I was lucky and got two rooms with two double beds next to each other with a connecting door.

  I spent the next half hour on the phone, setting up and rearranging things for the weekend.

  During each of the three local calls I made I asked a specific question. When I got the same answer from all three, I made another call.

  Chapter 5

  Friday morning I got a call from a customer of mine. He's always been a good customer except he tends to create emergencies.

  I'd met him at the new building he was planning on leasing space in on Tuesday. We walked through and the wiring all looked usable. We were going to have to make a couple of long cords but wouldn't need to pull any new cable.

  This guy has an amazing ability to negotiate leases. He's always gotten in at about 2/3 the going rate, just by haggling with the owner. He has to make some guarantees for how long he'll occupy the space but he always comes out ahead. I've helped him move to four different spaces. He's one of my original customers from back when I was working all by myself.

  So, it's Friday morning just before a three day holiday weekend. Next Wednesday is the first of the month. The bottom line is he wants us to move him in over the weekend, ready to start business first thing Tuesday morning. By doing so, he won't have to pay a month's rent at the old place. He's willing to pay double our rate for the work. Then he pulled out the charm, begging me to help him out, reminding me of all the business he's gotten me over the years, all the work he's given me, how he helped me get established. Which was all true. What the hell. I probably would have done it for our normal rate, but I can offer an incentive to the guys who do the work this way. Of course, he doesn't trust my guys on a job this big because I'm the best phone man he's ever used and that's why he wants me to do the work. I tell him I'll try, but Memorial Day is one of our paid holidays and I don't know if anyone is interested.

  I called my guys, starting with the foremen and found two that agreed to work. The plan was to start at 5 tonight and take out the old system and the phones we could get to. Then we'll meet near the new place at 7 tomorrow morning for breakfast, then start work at 8 installing the system. It shouldn't take long with the three of us. One to mount the equipment, the other two to tone out the existing cables, then I start putting extensions on the jacks and they go around with phones, making sure they work. I figured we'd be out of there by noon at the latest.

  My weekend plans were for Sunday and Monday, which meant we had to leave late Saturday afternoon. I figured if I planned on leaving at 4, the job could go over till 3 and I'd still make it.

  I called the girls and told them to be over to my place by 3:30 on Saturday, giving each of them the secret to getting in if I wasn't home yet. Since Wendy didn't know what was going on, I told them not to use my driveway. Wendy didn't know their cars, so they could park anywhere there was room on the block.

  I called Wendy at work. She must have been on the phone with a client because I got her voice mail. I left a message and she called back about five minutes later.

  She wasn't happy we weren't going to do anything until Saturday afternoon.

  "I was real good. I didn't complain once since I talked to you. I even picked up a pregnant lady exercise video and have been working out."

  "Wendy, I'm proud of you. But I made arrangements for us to drive out late Saturday and then do stuff on Sunday and Monday. You sure don't want to be on the roads Friday afternoon or evening on a three day weekend. It's more like a parking lot. Tomorrow will be a much better time to drive."

  "Alright. Where are we going?"

  "It's a surprise."

  "You're no fun. I'm sure there's nothing I can do to get you to tell me, is there?"

  "Nope."

  "You sure can be a fuddy duddy."

  "Hey. You wouldn't tell me where we were going for my birthday. It's the same thing."

  "It is not. I knew where we were going for my birthday. I don't know where we're going tomorrow."

  "I'll tell you what. I call up and cancel all the reservations and we can go to Denny's. You'll know where we're going and you can be happy."

  "I don't wanna go to Denny's. I just want to know where we're going."

  "OK. But don't tell anyone. Tomorrow night we're driving to a Motel 6."

  "That doesn't do me any good. There are Motel 6s all over the place."

  "OK. It's not too far from a Walmart."

  "That doesn't do me any good. Tell me."

  "You've seen both the Motel 6 and the Walmart."

  "That doesn't help me. You're no fun."

  "Sure I am. One of the reasons you love me so much is because I keep giving you good surprises. The thing we're going to do Sunday is something you wanted to do. Monday will be brand new for both of us."

  "Alright. Let me come over tonight."

  "No. I have to work tonight. I don't know when I'll get home. I'm going to have to drive in the holiday traffic when I'm coming home."

  "But I could just stay there and sleep in your bed and you could wake me up when you got home. I'll even give you a blowjob."

  "Wendy, I'd love you to give me a blowjob but I need to get in and out of this job as quick as possible. I need to get right to bed so I can get up in time to shower and meet the guys for breakfast at 7. That was part of the deal we made so they'd work over the weekend. When you decide you're ready to be with me all the time, we'll figure things out. But right now, tonight and tomorrow, you'd be a distraction. And then we'd miss the weekend I've got planned because my guys would take off and I'd have to work the whole weekend myself. Is that what you want?"

  "No. How about if I come over early tomorrow. I can wait for you. I'll be fine."

  "No. I've told you what I want. You said you behaved all week and now you're acting like a brat. Do your laundry. Go out and get your nails done. Spend all morning taking a bath. I'm sure there are plenty of things you can do to keep yourself occupied. I'll see you at 4 tomorrow and we'll have a real fun two days."

  "OK. I still think you're a dweeb. What clothes should I bring?"

  "Well, it's going to be warm this weekend. Probably some shorts and some of your new shi
rts. You can bring sandals but you may want to bring some shoes that are a little more comfortable. I don't think we'll do much walking on Monday but we may do some standing. Do you have any folding chairs like you take to the beach?"

  "I don't but Josie does. Maybe I can borrow some. How many will I need?"

  "I only need one. How fat have you gotten?"

  "Ha Ha. Very funny. Dweeb. Isn't anybody else coming?"

  "Oh, and bring something you wouldn't mind wearing to a very nice restaurant. I'm going to wear a pair of Dockers and a nice long sleeve shirt and I'll take the leather jacket you got for my birthday. Maybe something you can move around in in case somebody asks you to dance."

  "Really? Dancing?"

  "You never know. It could happen."

  "OK. I'll see you at 3:00 tomorrow."

  "When?"

  "3:30."

  "There must be a bad connection on this phone. When?"

  "I'll see you at 4. Dweeb."

  "OK. Love you."

  "I love you too, even if you are a dweeb."

  I had some time and needed a couple of things so I went to Sam's Club. Walmart is primarily there for trailer trash. Sam's Club costs money for a membership and I think one of their unwritten requirements is you have to have at least a double sized trailer or a house. Just kidding. But there did tend to be a better class of people there.

  I put my coffee, Spaghetti Os, a new DVD and a couple of pairs of shorts on the counter. It was my turn and I noticed the cashier had SAM on her name tag. I'm sure she got kidded about it being her club until she was sick of it.

  "Sam. Is that short for Samantha?"

  "Yes. My brothers started calling me that when I was a kid and it stuck."

  "I've got a character named Sam in a couple of my stories. We call her St. Sam because she's always doing good things for people."

  I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and had to look down. There was a very short, very cute young woman behind me in line, balancing a young boy on her hip.

  "Yes?"

  "Are you Old Fart?"

  "Yes. How did you know?"

  "I'm Sara. From the emails?"

  "My God. Then this must be Ronnie." I'd gotten dozens of emails from her about stories I wrote and put up on a free website and had even written a couple based on our communication.