by Bree Wolf
“Have you ever spoken about this to anyone?” Evelyn asked, hearing the loneliness in his words. Deep down, she knew how it felt to be the only one of one’s kind. For a woman to wish to be doctor had taught her early on that she would have to walk this path alone, misunderstood by those around her. At least, she had had her father.
Richard shook his head. “Not as I am speaking to you right now,” he admitted, his gaze briefly dropping from hers as though he did not dare look at her. “Once or twice, I mentioned something to Sebastian, but I knew right away that he did not know of what I was speaking. He showed me no ill-will, but neither could he understand me.”
“It feels lonely, does it not?” Evelyn asked, encouraged by the look of utter incredulity on his face. Had no one ever truly been able to understand him? To make him see that though different, he belonged as much as everyone else?
“It is,” he whispered, his grey eyes searching her face as though he could still not believe that she understood him. “You’ve felt it, too. I have made you feel like that, haven’t I?” His brows drew down in shame. “When I questioned you, your abilities, I made you feel as though you did not belong.”
Feeling tears brimming in her eyes, Evelyn nodded. “As I have done to you. We’ve both misunderstood the other.” She drew in a shuddering breath. “Let’s not do so again.”
Nodding, he pulled her back into his arms, almost crushing her to him as they held each other tight, feeling understood and at peace for the first time in their lives.
Chapter Twenty-Eight – In the Service of Another
With Christmas fast approaching, Richard watched as the house was transformed into a place of warmth and laughter. Not only did he notice the evergreens that took up residence over each window, but also those strung along each arched doorway and decorated with brightly coloured bows and ribbons. Neither was it the warmth of the fires or the delicious smell of biscuits and pastries mixing with the fresh scent of pine and fir. No, more than anything, it was the glowing eyes and bright smiles of the people under his roof.
Although Richard generally objected to having guests stay in his house as their presence represented a loss of control for him, he still could not wish them gone. Certainly, some routines were altered. Some rules bent. However, his wife’s calm presence allowed him to manoeuvre the treacherous sea of the unknown. Always by his side, ready to assist him without making him feel less of a man, she guided his hand and helped him to see that not all chaos was bad.
His friends as well as his family seemed to be enjoying themselves, welcoming each other’s company whether they spent their time indoors or outdoors. And now that Lady Northfield’s little boy had recovered, everyone was in high spirits enjoying the holidays.
Sitting in his study and tending to a few last things before Christmas would be upon them, Richard looked up when a knock sounded on his door. Upon his call, his wife entered, and he could feel his heart speeding up. Strangely enough, his body felt as though it was no longer his own when she was near. She was like a light in the dark and he the moth that could not stay away.
“Do you have a moment?” she asked, closing the door behind her.
“For you, always.” Rising from his chair, Richard felt his heart skip another beat as a radiant smile lit up her features. He took a deep breath so as not to act like a love-struck boy before gesturing to the set of armchairs arranged under the windows. “Have a seat,” he said, his voice feeling hoarse as he tried to focus his thoughts. Why was it that she could unhinge him like this with her mere presence alone? “What is on your mind?”
Seating herself, his wife sighed, and the glow in her eyes dimmed. “I’ve come to speak to you about Claudia.” Her eyes held his carefully, and he knew that she was aware that this subject was most displeasing to him.
“What is there left to say?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even as he sat down across from her. “The decision has been made.”
Evelyn sighed as she wrung her hands, clearly looking for the right words to begin.
Dimly, Richard realised that he was becoming more and more familiar with his wife’s tell-tale signs that spoke to her emotions and helped him understand what went on in her heart and mind.
Lifting her gaze, Evelyn looked into his eyes. “I just came from the drawing room where all the ladies are currently seated on the floor around the young Lord Northfield, entertaining the baby with songs and silly faces.” A fleeting smile crossed her own face as she no doubt recalled one such silly face. “Only your sister is standing off to the side.” She leaned forward, and the intensity in her eyes stole his breath. “Her eyes, however, are fixed on the child and heavy with sadness.”
Richard sighed, feeling a stab of pain at his sister’s unhappiness. Did this truly affect her that much? Never had she seemed like the maternal type. Never had she sought the company of young children. “I do not deny that this whole affair saddens her,” Richard finally said, trying to tread carefully lest his wife might receive the idea that another solution could be found. He did not wish to give her false hope. “However, I do believe it is a sadness that will pass once she resumes her old life. Naturally, without anything to distract her, her thoughts linger on the child.”
His wife leaned back in her seat, her gaze roaming his face. “What if she wishes to keep the child?”
Richard tensed. “Did she tell you so? Did you ask her? I beg you not to put ideas in her head.”
Rolling her eyes, Evelyn scoffed, “These ideas are already in her head. How could they not be? This is her child we are talking about. By now, she is probably feeling it move inside her. How can she not think of keeping it? It’s her child!”
At the agitation in his wife’s bearing, Richard inhaled a slow breath, trying to stay calm. “I understand your frustration,” he said, “Believe me, I feel it as well. However, there is no other solution to be found. She cannot keep the child. Her life would be ruined, and my sister is not the kind of woman content with living her life in the country, shut away from society. And besides, did you ever think what this would do to her child? It would be a bastard with no prospects. Do you truly want this?”
Evelyn’s shoulders slumped, and he thought to read resignation in her brown eyes. “Of course not,” she whispered, her voice subdued. “But this cannot be the end.” Shaking her head, she sighed. “Lady Northfield is unmarried and a mother. Perhaps–”
“But she was married,” Richard pointed out before his wife was swept away by an idea that would only lead to disaster or disappointment. “The boy has a father. He may be dead, but the child is legitimate. He is not a bastard, but the new Lord Northfield. These are two completely different situations.”
“I know,” Evelyn admitted, frustration balling her hands into fists. “I simply hate to see her so sad. I wish there was something we could do.”
“As do I,” Richard assured her, wondering if she doubted his affections for his sister. “Do you truly believe that her sadness does not affect me?”
For a long moment, his wife looked at him, and Richard could feel goose bumps crawling up his spine. She could not truly think him so heartless? Not now! Not after everything they had shared with each other!
“No, of course, not,” she finally said, her face softening as she looked at him. “I know that you care for her. I just thought…” Trailing off, she shrugged. “Did you ever ask her if she wanted to keep her child?”
Richard swallowed. “I did not.”
His wife’s eyes narrowed, and he thought to see a hint of accusation in them. “Why not?”
For a long moment, Richard contemplated what to say. If anyone else had asked him this question, he would have said that he was the head of this family and he did what was best for his sister. After all, there was no other solution.
But this was his wife. This was Evelyn, and they had spoken to each other in a way he had never experienced before.
Honestly.
Without restraint.
“
To protect her,” Richard finally said, noting the way his wife’s brows narrowed in confusion. Inhaling a deep breath, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his legs, and met her gaze. “I know very well that she might come to regret giving up her child,” he began, “and when that day comes, she will turn her anger toward me because I forced this decision on her.” He swallowed. “Instead of toward herself.”
Evelyn’s jaw dropped open as she pushed to her feet. “You are willing to let her hate you for it?”
Rising to his feet as well, Richard nodded. “Better she hates me than herself. No one can live hating themselves. It would destroy her.”
Evelyn blinked as tears clung to her lashes. “I didn’t know,” she whispered as she stepped closer, her hands coming to rest on his chest as her eyes gazed up at him. “You love her very much.”
Blinking back tears of his own, Richard shrugged. “She’s my sister.”
His wife nodded, then stepped forward and wrapped him in her arms. “Thank you for telling me.”
Relief relaxed Richard’s body, and he held her tightly, welcoming the comfort she gave him. “I do not wish to keep anything from you,” he finally said, “and I do not want you to think me…heartless and unfeeling.”
Stepping back, Evelyn met his gaze. “I did not. I assure you. You must believe me when I tell you this. Never will we be of one mind about everything. There will be instances when we disagree; however, that does not mean we think less of each other, does it?”
“You’re right,” Richard said, nodding his agreement. “In this we disagree, but that does not mean I doubt your abilities to come to a reasonable solution in any way. Perhaps our focus is simply elsewhere.”
“It would appear so.” His wife sighed, her gaze narrowing as she looked at him. “I admit what I’m most concerned with are the consequences of her having to give up her child, and by consequences, I speak of her state of mind. I fear that she might not recover from such a loss.”
“I understand,” Richard said, relieved that they were able to speak so openly to each other. “I worry about that as well. However, I see the greater danger in the consequences that will arise should her condition become known. I do believe the solitude she would be forced into would destroy her. But if she can stay in society’s good graces and make a suitable match, then she can have another child.” Seeing his wife’s brows tense and her mouth open in objection, Richard hastened on, “Of course, I do not believe that one child can be replaced with another. I am well aware that the loss of this child will always stay with her. However, she might still find happiness in being a mother one day. More than she might if she kept this child, accepting the consequences that come with doing so.”
Closing her eyes, Evelyn rested her forehead against his shoulder. “You’re not wrong,” she whispered. “We don’t know what will happen.” Lifting her head, she met his gaze. “But what if Claudia were to tell you that she wanted to keep her child? What would you do? Would you allow her? Or would you force her to give it up?”
Richard tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Although he knew what he ought to do, what was rationally the right course of action, he was not at all certain he would be able to do so if pressed.
What if indeed.
If only he knew.
Chapter Twenty-Nine – A Winter's Morning
With Christmas only a day away, the servants bustled about the house, rushing to set everything right for the big feast the next day, and so Evelyn, Claudia and Charlotte–as Lady Weston insisted they call her–went outside into the gardens for another refreshing stroll.
“When are you to depart?” Charlotte asked, her brown eyes clouded as they looked at Claudia.
“In a fortnight.” Inhaling a deep breath, Evelyn’s new sister-in-law placed a gentle hand on her belly.
Slipping her arm through hers, Evelyn squeezed it reassuringly. “But your mother will accompany you, will she not?”
Claudia nodded, and yet, the prospect did not lift her spirits.
Exchanging a glance with Charlotte, Evelyn wondered if she ought to ask about Claudia’s wishes after the conversation she had with her husband. Would it do her good to be given a choice? Or would it ultimately lead to her utter desolation?
Since Lord Weston had shared what he knew of Claudia’s situation with his wife, Charlotte had joined Evelyn in her attempts to raise Claudia’s spirits. Both women could see only too clearly the sadness that more and more clung to Claudia with each passing day. And both were concerned about the outcome of this affair.
“And then you are to remain there until the child is born?” Evelyn asked, once more glancing at Charlotte, who momentarily closed her eyes as though to steady her nerves.
Claudia sighed. “Yes,” was all she said.
“And what of the child?” Charlotte enquired, a hand pressed to her stomach as though the mere thought of giving up one’s child made her feel ill.
Claudia’s lower lip began to quiver as she looked up and met their eyes. Then, however, she clamped them shut until they were pressed into a thin line. “My brother assures me he will find a good…a good family for him.” Gently, she brushed a hand over her growing belly. “He will be fine.”
“And you?” Evelyn asked carefully, holding on to Claudia as the young woman made to walk ahead. “How will you be?”
Eyes drifting into the distance, Claudia heaved a long sigh. “How am I to know?” Her gaze focused and then shifted back to Evelyn. “In a strange way, none of this feels real, and then there are moments when it overwhelms me in a way that I can scarcely breathe.”
Seeing her sister-in-law’s pain, Evelyn reached for the young woman, offering the comfort of an embrace. Claudia, however, stepped away, her lashes blinking fiercely against the tears that collected in her downcast eyes.
Glancing at Charlotte, who looked almost as grief-stricken as Claudia herself, Evelyn allowed the young woman to put a little distance between herself and her friends. Although Claudia stood tall as she gazed toward the far horizon, there seemed to be a heavy weight resting on her shoulders, threatening to bring her to her knees. “All my life, I’ve felt trapped,” she mumbled as though to herself that Evelyn had to strain her ears to make out what she was saying, “my actions limited to the most boring activities. And whenever I would cross a line, my father and brother were there to rein me back in.” Shaking her head, she briefly closed her eyes and inhaled a shuddering breath.
Evelyn glanced at Charlotte as the lady’s hand suddenly grabbed her own and squeezed it tightly. “Are you all right?” Evelyn whispered, taking note of the paleness on the woman’s cheeks.
Gritting her teeth, Charlotte shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears.
“Always was I told that my choices were wrong,” Claudia continued, unaware of the silent pain and sympathy that held her friends in their grip. “And yet, I could not help myself. I longed for adventure, and love is the greatest adventure there is.” Turning on her heel, Claudia’s blue eyes found theirs. “Is it not?”
Charlotte nodded without hesitation. “I do believe so. Now.”
Then Claudia’s gaze travelled to Evelyn. “Do you love my brother?”
Taken aback by this completely unexpected question, Evelyn felt put on the spot, afraid to do either, speak the truth or lie. After all, what was the truth? Had she truly come to love her husband? Certainly, she cared for him deeply, but was that–?
“You don’t need to answer,” Claudia said sweetly as she took a step back towards her confidants, “for it is written all over your face.” Her gaze drifted to Charlotte. “As it is written on yours as well,” she sighed. “This is exactly what I’ve always dreamed of, what I’ve always wanted. And then when it seemed as though it was within my grasp, I…” Her voice trailed off, and she shook her head in disbelief. “Was I so wrong to act on it?” Again, her gaze shifted from Evelyn to Charlotte. “You did, and you found true love.”
Swallowing, Charlotte stared at Claudia as
though there was something she wanted to say but did not dare speak.
Evelyn frowned, wondering if Claudia truly knew the whole story behind Charlotte’s romanticised wedding in Gretna Green. Had hers not been a love match after all? Or at least not initially?
Reminding herself that there were more important things to discuss, Evelyn turned her attention back to Claudia. “I would never fault you for what you did,” Evelyn said gently. “You followed your heart. But even our hearts can sometimes be led astray.”
Claudia nodded. “I know that now. However, back then, my experiences were far too limited for me to see it. I knew very little of William, and I know now that I was not in love with him, but with the idea of being swept off my feet by true love.” Shrugging her shoulders, she looked from one friend to the other as though begging for their understanding. “I wanted at least that one adventure if no other. And so, when William asked me to elope, I was so overcome that I mistook one adventure for another and thought it to be love.”
“Are you certain it was not love?” Evelyn asked, still hoping that there could be another way to solve this dilemma. Perhaps if William and Claudia realised that they were in love, he could be persuaded to marry her after all. Perhaps…
“I am certain,” Claudia said, shattering Evelyn’s hopes. “He is a wonderful man, but I have come to realise that I do not care for him beyond the affections of a friend. I do not miss him or long to see him.” A deep sigh left her lips, and a look of frustration came to her blue eyes. “I wish I knew who my child’s father is.” Her gaze returned to Evelyn. “I did try to remember more of what happened that day. I tried to hold on to my dreams as they slipped away with the morning sun.”
