The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “You people are so impatient,” the wise bird said. “I want some pastry.”

  “All right, coming up,” Juffin said. “Max, you want a couple of pastries, too, I assume?”

  “A couple? I want three at least.”

  “They’re on the way,” Juffin told Kurush. “In the meantime, give me the low down, my sweet bird. I really only want to know one thing: the names of the ones in the punitive expedition who were connected with the Ancient Orders.”

  “Sir Pafoota Jongo, Junior Magician of the Order of the Holey Cup,” Kurush began.

  “Ah, a former colleague of our Lonli-Lokli,” said Juffin. “I’ll have to have a chat about him with Sir Shurf. Go on, my sweet bird.”

  “Sir Xonti Tufton and Sir Abaguda Channels, Junior Magicians of the Order of Time Backwards.”

  “Former young protégés of our friend Maba. Charming.”

  “Sir Pixpa Shoon, Junior Magician of the Order of the Barking Fish.”

  Juffin grimaced with displeasure but remained silent.

  “Sir Bubuli Jola Giox, Junior Magician of the Order of the Secret Grass. Sir Atva Kuraisa, Junior Magician of the Order of Grilles and Mirrors. Sir Joffla Kumbaya, Junior Magician of the Order of the Sleeping Butterfly. Sir Altafa Nmal, Junior Magician of the Order of the Brass Needle. That’s about all. Where’s the pastry?”

  “At the door, my dear.”

  The door opened as if on command. A sleepy courier placed a tray loaded with pastries and kamra on the table and disappeared into the darkness of the corridor again.

  “Well?” I asked with my mouth full five minutes later.

  “Well, what?” the boss said, starting in on his pastry again.

  “Does it make more sense to you now?”

  “It does and it doesn’t. Go on your picnic, Max. If you have any questions, any matters to discuss with me, that’s what Silent Speech is for. But first, you have to know whether there is anything to ask. Maybe there won’t be. Maybe Shixola’s imagination just ran away with him. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

  “Okay. If you don’t want me to know, fine. I’ll remain ignorant. You’re the one who has to put up with me. By the way, Kurush, what do you know about a gentleman by the name of Anday Pu? He’s a journalist, one of the senior reporters at the Royal Voice, if I remember correctly.”

  “People often tell untruths,” Kurush said. “I don’t think he’s a senior reporter since I don’t know anything about him. And I keep bits of information about all the notable people of Echo. You need to go to the Main Archive, Max. I don’t bother my head with trifles.”

  “What a self-important bunch you all are,” I groaned. “The Main Archive sleeps sweetly till noon, so I’m not likely to find anything there. I’m abandoning you for my pillow.”

  “It’s about time,” Juffin said. “You have circles under your eyes and sunken cheeks, though you can still eat like there’s no tomorrow. I’m tired of seeing your face, so scram.”

  “My sunken cheeks are the result of my spring cleaning. You won’t believe it, but yesterday morning I actually did it with my own two hands.” I waved my industrious extremities around under Juffin’s nose.

  “Why shouldn’t I believe you? If you had told me you hired a cleaner like normal people, I might have doubted you. Sweet dreams, Max. Drop by this evening to say goodbye.”

  I did sleep sweetly, and I dreamed, too. This time, some exhilarating nonsense. So from the moment I awoke, my good mood soared to dangerous heights. I felt I might just explode..

  When I went downstairs I discovered that the one and only Anday Pu was there. He sat timidly on the edge of a chair, wrapped up in a heavy old looxi, and stared at me forlornly with his warm, dark eyes.

  Ella was purring relentlessly on his lap, and Armstrong sat at his feet. My little furries seemed not only to have fallen in love with the fellow but also to have teamed up to protect him from any untoward wrath on my part. I sighed.

  “Hey guys, I hope I’m not disturbing you. Or is it already time for me to move out?” I asked the threesome. Ella mewed tenderly. Armstrong rushed up to me and rubbed against my leg, as if to say, “Don’t move, Max! Yes, you are a nuisance, but we’ll put up with you if you feed us right this very minute.”

  “I’m sorry, Sir Max. I catch that it’s very rude to barge in uninvited like this, but I simply had no choice.”

  “Never mind,” I said. “I’ll bathe now, and then I’ll turn nice again. You took a big risk, you know. In the morning I’m even more fearsome than people suspect. You’re lucky this silly flirt is crazy about you.” I nodded at Ella, who apparently considered Anday to be her new pillow, and wasn’t in the least inclined to part with it.

  While I was bathing I tried to recapture my good mood. It didn’t work, though. I’m not the most companionable person in the Universe for the first hour and a half after I wake up, and the last thing I want to do is entertain guests.

  Now he’s going to say that he has nowhere to live, and since I have so many empty rooms, well . . . I thought gloomily. Then he’s going to say he wants to eat, and after that he’ll want to borrow my toothbrush. And no Mantle of Death is going to save me.

  By the time I crawled into the fifth bathing pool, my irritation had begun to subside. By the sixth pool I had been rendered almost harmless. By the seventh I started thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to have some good company for my morning kamra. And I didn’t even get into the eighth since I was so weary of the whole bathing rigmarole. So I got dressed and went upstairs to the living room.

  Now both cats were sitting on Anday’s lap. How could he bear the weight, poor guy! Finally I melted altogether and sent a call to the tavern keeper of the Fat Turkey. I ordered a double portion of kamra and cookies. What else could I do?

  “Well?” I said. “You had no choice. How is that possible? Let me guess, I no catch, right?”

  “Righto!” Anday beamed. “Sir Max, I—”

  “Yesterday we agreed that we could get along without any ‘sirs.’ And, just for the record, standing on ceremony is not the best way to improve my mood.”

  “Give me a break! That’s not how aristocrats are supposed to behave. They no catch—”

  “Who said I was an aristocrat? I’m way cooler,” I said. “Anyway, what’s the problem? Did your article get rejected again? By the way, you’re no senior reporter for the Royal Voice. I checked up on you. Don’t worry, though. I’d boast, too, if I were in your place. That’s the name of the game. Just keep in mind for the future that you don’t have to lie to me. With everyone else—it’s your call.”

  “I really do sometimes write for the Royal Voice. And believe me, those philistines at the paper, the staff writers, they knock themselves out trying to write like me. It’s very clear that they badmouthed me to Sir Rogro, so now he won’t offer me a long-term contract. So I thought, now the dinner’s over once and for all! Then I found out they had been wanting to print a story about your cats for a long time, but no one was willing to risk showing up at your house to talk to you in person. And I thought, well, I have nothing to lose. Back in the day, my pen used to burn like a comet, let me tell you!” Anday shook his head and smiled meditatively, lost in recollection.

  “Good.” I stretched luxuriously till my joints cracked, which filled me with delicious pleasure, then poured myself another mug of kamra. “I understand all that. Come on, tell me your problem. I’ve got work to do, people to kill.”

  “Give me a break!” Anday said again.

  I didn’t get it. Either he really appreciated a good joke, or he approved of the hypothetical goal of my activities. Then he started arranging the dishes on my table with absentminded precision. A few minutes later a fairly intricate design of plates and leftover food had emerged on the tabletop.

  I waited.

  “Actually, I was just about to tell you that I wasn’t . . . In short, now I really do have a chance to become senior reporter for the Royal Voice.”

  “You do?�
� Something seemed to dawn on me. “You told them that we were friends? Don’t be afraid. Spit it out.”

  “It was my only chance,” Anday mumbled. “If you only knew how these upstarts who’ve managed to scrawl their plebeian names on a full-time contract live. Especially the society columnists and crime reporters. They get a fat salary, and bonuses to boot. They get paid as much per letter as I get per line. So I went to Rogro Jiil and told him I get to see you every day now.”

  “What did you say? Every day?”

  I was horrified.

  “Well, I hinted so that he would catch. Of course, every day isn’t absolutely necessary,” Anday said. “But Sir Rogro didn’t catch. He doesn’t believe me. That jackass Jafla Dbaba, my former classmate at school, interfered again. In high school he used to sit in a corner and wait until someone sent him to a tavern for some Jubatic Juice. Now the guy shamelessly kisses Rogro Jiil’s skinny backside. If it hadn’t been for his gossip and scandalmongering, the contract would have been in my pocket more than a dozen years ago. Today he whispered to Rogro that I had made it all up, that I’ve never even seen you face to face, and that I found out about your cats from the neighbors.”

  “He forgot to consider that I don’t have any neighbors.”

  This was the honest-to-Magicians truth. There were no houses near mine. The Street of Yellow Stones is one of the newest in Echo. Property here isn’t cheap, and people are reluctant to part with it.

  All of this rubbed me the wrong way. There are things I love and things I hate, and occasionally they switch places. But guys like Dbaba had always awakened in me a thirst for blood since in my time they had thrown plenty of crap in my general direction. I realized that this time Anday wouldn’t be able to defend himself against evil tongues. Strange fellows like my new friend always attract plenty of ill-wishers, that’s for sure.

  “In short, Sir Rogro Jiil demanded evidence. I told him that he could send you a call and ask, but he wouldn’t agree to it. I think he’s afraid of you, too. Sound the alarm,” Anday said sadly.

  “You did the right thing,” I said without any real enthusiasm. “Well, what do you want from me, mon ami? Do you want me to talk to him?”

  “You catch!” Anday said, cheering up all at once. “Will you send him a call?”

  “You want him to have a heart attack? Excellent idea. I’ll do it right away.”

  “You catch everything, Max! A hundred percent!”

  To be honest, I was very pleased with the compliment.

  I drank down my kamra, put down the mug, and started concentrating to my utmost. I had seen Rogro Jiil only once before, for all of a moment. On the previous Last Day of the Year he had stopped by the Ministry of Perfect Public Order to attend the Royal Awards ceremony. Such a superficial acquaintance is really no basis for establishing contact through Silent Speech, but I tried my best and succeeded.

  Good day, Sir Rogro. Max here, of the Minor Secret Investigative Force of Echo. I really have had several meetings with Mr. Anday Pu. It’s possible that our meetings will continue. I hope this is evidence enough for you?

  Of course, Sir Max. Please let me express my gratitude for the time and attention you’ve given to one of the senior reporters of my publication.

  Sir Rogro Jiil was a tough nut to crack, but the understated courtesy of his manner gave me to understand that my protégé’s fate had been decided in the most advantageous way. It also witnessed to Rogro Jiil’s extensive experience in disseminating information.

  Excellent, Sir Rogro. I very much regret that I was forced to disturb you. Perhaps it will surprise you, but I do hate injustice of any kind.

  It is I who am guilty. I should be more trusting of people.

  No, no, not at all. Let’s just consider this a pleasant exception to the rule. Good evening, and I apologize again for the disturbance.

  It is a great honor for me. Good evening to you, too.

  We seemed to have ended our exchange almost as friends.

  “That’s that,” I told Anday, who was fidgeting nervously. “Okay, time to quit gobbling. I’m a busy man, and now you are, too. Go sign your contract. And make sure your salary is twice as fat as everyone else’s. I’m worth a lot, I hope. And don’t even think about publishing your chefs-d’oeuvre without my knowledge. Another charming piece like ‘A Tête-à-tête with Death’ and I’ll kill you personally. Got that?”

  “All right, all right,” Anday said, his enthusiasm plummeting. Then he brightened up. “But you burn like a comet, Max, you really do! You and me are going to give them all something to write home about!”

  Anday Pu carefully deposited the yawning Armstrong and the dozing Ella onto the floor. The cats turned their unblinking blue gaze on me to make sure I wasn’t going to offend or otherwise harm their new favorite human, then ambled over to their bowls.

  I had to give him a lift. From my modest hovel to the New City, where the editorial office of the Royal Voice was located, was a two-hour walk. I didn’t deny myself the pleasure of driving at maximum speed, so Anday paid me back royally for the trouble he had caused in the first half of the day. The fellow comported himself well. He didn’t squeal but remained immobile and silent in the back seat. What was he doing? Praying? Unlikely—the inhabitants of this city are not in the least devout. Which is understandable, I guess. Why would they need gods when life is so good?

  Finally I managed to part ways with my new friend. He set out to reap his rewards at the editorial offices, and I went to the House by the Bridge. All my roads lead to the House by the Bridge, whichever way they might turn.

  “Good day, Max.” Melamori was about to get up from her chair to greet me, but she reconsidered and plunked herself down again. “They say you’re leaving town with the fellows from the Police Department.”

  “They say right,” I said. “Who’s they?”

  “The policemen themselves are all talking about it. Do you really think you’ll find something out there?”

  “I don’t think anything. Thinking isn’t my line of work. You know that,” I said. “We’ll have to wait and see. Why don’t you come with us? It will be a real picnic, I guarantee you. I supposed Juffin will let you go. If you can stand on the trace of the outlaws, you’ll help the boys out, at least, since we’ve agreed to take charge of them.”

  Melamori looked so sad and perplexed that my heart ached for her. Time heals all wounds, of course, but so slowly. Too slowly.

  “Sure, I’ll let her go.” The ubiquitous Sir Juffin suddenly materialized in the Hall of Common Labor. “A bit of practical experience isn’t going to hurt you, my lady. And don’t look at Max like that. He’s offering you a case. Since we agreed to help them, we have to do a proper job of it. Otherwise, the terrible Sir Max and his trusty policemen are going to be playing hide-and-seek in the bushes out there for years before they find those foxcubs.”

  “You don’t have to talk me into it. I’d be delighted.”

  Never in my life did I think a person could speak so sorrowfully with such a happy face. But Lady Melamori pulled it off beautifully.

  “Go get some sleep, Melamori,” I said. “We leave an hour before sunrise. Not the best time to hop out of bed to take a trip, but I didn’t create this World. I can promise to treat all who take part in the expedition to some Elixir of Kaxar.”

  “Mine, naturally,” Juffin put in. “You always leave yours at home out of sheer absentmindedness.”

  “That’s been known to happen.” I tried putting on a guilty expression.

  “Kamshi said you were planning to leave two hours after midnight,” Melamori said.

  “Never mind what Kamshi said. He didn’t take into account that I would be driving the amobiler. That means we’ll get there at least four hours sooner.”

  “Right, and then the amobiler will shatter into smithereens. Poof!” Juffin said. “We’ve been through that once already, after our magnificent race car driver rushed home from Kettari.”

  “Come on, Juffin. I
guess I may have been going three hundred an hour, but it was hardly top speed.” I smiled a dreamy smile. “And it was only because I was hurrying to get Shurf back home before he got into another scrape. Well, I’m off to the Main Archive. I want to find out what kind of serpent I’ve taken to my bosom.”

  “That character you were asking Kurush about? What made you think of him?” Juffin said.

  “That’s just what I’m wondering. I’m going to look in on Lookfi Pence to try to find out. He’s such an absurd fellow, that Anday Pu.”

  “Well, since he’s absurd, go find out about him by all means,” said Juffin. “Then come back and tell me all about it.”

  “I’ll even show him to you, if you like. You’ll get a sea of pleasure from it. See you tonight, Melamori. I’ll pick you up.”

  “Good. Drop by a bit earlier, though, in case I oversleep. And don’t forget the Elixir of Kaxar. It certainly can’t hurt at that hour.”

  “I just happened to leave mine conveniently at home. But there’s always a bottle to be found in the boss’s desk drawer,” I said, grinning.

  Then I turned to Juffin and tapped the end of my nose with the forefinger of my right hand, once, and then again. This gesture is the essence of age-old Kettarian wisdom, meaning, “Two good people can always come to an understanding.” Juffin’s face melted into a smile, and he tapped twice on his own nose, too. Melamori was clearly baffled by this arcane little ritual.

  Then we went our separate ways. I hurried to get to the Main Archive before the last rays of sun disappeared behind the horizon. I don’t know what our buriwoks do after sunset, but I know they don’t work.

  “Sir Max, what a surprise! I haven’t seen you in ages.” Lookfi Pence came up to welcome me, his face beaming. On the way he overturned a chair. Actually, we had seen each other just two days before. Maybe our Lookfi has a different sense of time than other people do.