The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  It didn’t matter, for sure, because Tekki put her wonderful face next to mine again.

  “I guess now you’re not going to die anymore,” she whispered a few minutes later.

  Praise be the Magicians, she didn’t leave. Instead, she curled up beside me and buried her nose in my shoulder.

  Finally, I could look around. And I was completely horrified to see Juffin sitting in an armchair by the window. The orange light of the street lamps was falling on his calm face. It looked like the boss was looking at us very intently. I quickly pulled the blanket up to my chin. For a few moments I didn’t know what to say, but soon I found all the words I needed, and then some.

  “Look, we’re good friends and all, and I don’t keep any secrets from you, but this time you’re going overboard. Why are you staring at us, can you tell me? Is what I’m doing so very amusing or funny?”

  Juffin didn’t say anything, nor did he move. I was completely beside myself.

  “He’s sleeping, Max,” said Tekki. Tears were still falling from her eyes, but she was giggling. “He’s sleeping with his eyes open. It happens. I told you he’s out looking for your second heart.”

  “Right, the one I keep on the third shelf from the bottom in my bookcase,” I said. “Well, well, I see everyone’s having a great time around here.”

  Tekki’s shoulders began to shake again, this time from laughter. I smiled. I had no strength to do anything else.

  “But can you please tell me what happened?” I said. “Magicians only know when Juffin’s going to wake up, and I still have no idea what’s going on.”

  Tekki stopped laughing. Now she had to make considerable efforts to restrain herself from crying. “What happened? Oh boy, what a question! You turned all chalky white, told me to call for Sir Juffin, and died. But I didn’t have time to send him a call, because he was already in the tavern. I have no idea how he got in. Then he grabbed you and me, and pulled us both up here to the bedroom. Max, I don’t quite remember what happened exactly. I went crazy when I realized what was happening to you. And then your Juffin . . . I don’t know how I was able to survive his stare.” Tekki gave a sad sniff, and I stroked her hair.

  “But you’re all right now?”

  “I guess,” she said, and smiled again.

  “Go on. What happened next?”

  “Juffin said he was going to look for your Shadow so he could take its heart and give it to you, and he told me to finish what I’d started. He said there was a chance that might work, too, however small. And then he sat in that armchair and was completely still. I know that one can only find the Shadow in one’s dreams, so I knew he was sleeping, and so—”

  “Hold on a second,” I said. “What did he mean, ‘to finish what you’d started’? Started what, Tekki?”

  “He’ll explain it all to you,” she said in a sad voice, and looked down.

  I didn’t like that one bit. “Look,” I said, gently stroking her shoulder. “Let’s get this clear: whatever you did, it doesn’t matter. Because the grand finale was so wonderful that we’re even, as it were. So spit it out, baby. And make it quick. Because I have a feeling I’m going to have to save you from Juffin’s ire.”

  Tekki curled up and turned away. “I . . . I poisoned you,” she said finally in a loud whisper.

  “Poisoned me! But why? Am I that horrible? Or was it a vendetta? Did I kill one of your relatives? Are you, by any chance, the granddaughter of the late Hunchback Itullo?”

  “Of course I’m not!” said Tekki, laughing her beautiful tinkling laughter. “You got it all wrong, Max. I didn’t mean to poison you. I didn’t know it would have this effect on you.”

  “‘It’?” I was beginning to lose my patience. “Tell me what ‘it’ was or I’ll die of curiosity, this time for good.”

  Tekki gave me a sullen look. “I slipped you a love potion,” she said. “Goodness, I don’t know what I was thinking!”

  “You slipped me a love potion?” I laughed in relief. “But why? I was breaking my head all night trying to think of how to go to bed with you. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice. All my colleagues laugh at me, saying my feelings are always written in huge letters across my forehead.”

  “Really?” said Tekki. She seemed surprised. “Well, you did look like you were charmed, but I thought you were just being gallant. I had no idea you were flirting with me. I mean, I know I’m not much to look at, and all.”

  “Oh, but you are,” I said. “I can’t get my eyes full. You’re just what my life has been missing. Do you understand?”

  She nodded. Now she finally seemed to relax, and she reached over to take her skaba.

  “Don’t,” I said. “Why?”

  “What do you mean? Your boss is going to wake up sooner or later.”

  “Oh. I completely forgot about him.” I laughed again, which was a mistake. I overestimated my capabilities. I was completely drained of strength. The orange twilight of the room started wheeling in front of my eyes.

  “Are you all right?” said Tekki.

  She had already stood up, and her worried eyes were following me from someplace far away. I wanted to say I was fine, but I couldn’t utter a single sound. All I could do was smile because I felt so good. Darkness thickened around me, and I felt a pleasant, languorous warmth in my chest. I closed my eyes and let go, realizing it was useless and completely unnecessary to resist this persistent, tender force.

  Then it was as if someone had flipped an invisible switch inside me. My strength returned to me abruptly. I opened my eyes, propped myself up on one elbow, and looked around. The world around me had changed, except that I had no idea what was different.

  Tekki sat beside me, clutching my hand. It looked like she was preparing to mourn my sudden passing again. It was touching, but I hurried to reassure her: “Everything is fine now, dear. You can’t imagine how fine I feel.”

  “I’ll bet you do,” said Juffin. “You just scared the bejesus out of a poor helpless woman and a half-witted old magician—and got a second heart at a significant discount. Sure, you’re fine now.”

  “Juffin!” I said. “Will you tell me what happened to me?”

  “Death happened to you. Other than that, nothing extraordinary.”

  “I figured that much. But why? And what’s the story of that ‘second heart’ you took away from my Shadow? And how on earth can it get along without it, I should very much like to know?”

  “Oh, don’t worry about your Shadow. It can get along fine without much of anything,” said Juffin. “As for the rest of the story, has the girl confessed already?”

  “She has.”

  I smiled the widest smile possible and turned to Tekki. She was nervous again. Even Juffin’s good-humored chatter seemed to throw her off balance. I squeezed her hand tenderly, hoping it would help.

  “I see. So that’s what this is all about,” said Juffin. “You heartthrob lover boy, you. Well, long story short, the experiment has proven that our harmless love potion works as a lethal poison on you. It killed you almost instantly. I presume it wasn’t pretty?”

  “No, it was no walk in the park,” I said. “I’m glad I’ve never been a chick magnet. I’ll bet Melifaro gets a couple of glasses of that stuff in every tavern.”

  “It’s not all that bad,” said Juffin. “With your profession you won’t be suffering from too much attention from women. Only the daughter of Loiso Pondoxo could have a crush on a guy wearing the Mantle of Death.”

  “The daughter of Loiso Pondoxo! The Grand Magician of the Order of the Watery Crow? The one you keep talking about all the time? Oh boy.” I looked at Tekki in embarrassment. “I think today was one of the most exciting and interesting days in my life.”

  Then I got worried because I remembered something.

  “Hold on,” I said. “Aren’t you guys some kind of mortal enemies or something? Juffin, didn’t you bury her dad who-knows-where?”

  “Whatever happened to my infamous dad, whom I only saw a co
uple of times in my life, doesn’t matter,” said Tekki. “By the way, during the Troubled Times, Sir Hully saved my life. He didn’t come hunting for me when that overcautious old Nuflin declared open season on all the children of Loiso Pondoxo.”

  “I just didn’t deem it prudent,” said Juffin, “because it seemed that death only worked to the advantage of your family members. Plus, I had better things to do than hunt down innocent little girls. It wasn’t my fault that nobody but me was up to the task. A dozen days later, His Majesty Gurig VII came to his senses and issued a decree granting personal immunity to all family members of those who had waged war on the Code. Nuflin was mad, naturally, but by that time he’d realized that it wasn’t wise to run up against the king. So, I guess we have no grudges against each other, do we, Lady Shekk?”

  Tekki shook her head no.

  “Happy?” Juffin asked me. “Or do you want us to kiss and make up?”

  “Don’t even dream of it,” I said. “Sinning Magicians, you two go back a long, long, dark way, huh?”

  “Why, yes, we do,” said Juffin. “Say, what are we going to do with the gal? Should we lock her up in Xolomi? On the one hand, she just murdered a government official of the highest rank. But, on the other hand, she put everything right. I didn’t really have to bother with your Shadow. I could have just locked you two up in the bedroom and been done with it. She did a very good job and revived you without my help.”

  “How did she do it?”

  “As if you don’t know. I once heard that someone poisoned by a love potion must immediately seek the poisoner’s embrace to survive. Granted, that pertained to the love potions of the olden days. Back then, they weren’t as harmless as these modern-day concoctions. Still, I decided it wouldn’t hurt to try even that, just in case. I didn’t really expect it to work, but it did! By the time your heart was beating again, I already had your second heart in my hands. Since it’s impossible to return to the Shadow what it has already parted with—unlike humans, the Shadow never changes its mind—I gave it to you.”

  “So I really have two hearts now?” I said.

  Juffin nodded.

  “Okay. The more the merrier, I guess. But what’s the Shadow, and where did you find it?”

  “Hmm, how shall I put it . . . I found it in my own dream, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. Frankly speaking, no one truly knows what the Shadow is, but every person has one. The easiest way to find the Shadow is when you’re asleep, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s your own Shadow or someone else’s. Yours, by the way, is pretty good at playing hide-and-seek. It took me quite a while to track it down. The Shadow has everything its owner has, including a heart. Unlike us, thought, the Shadow can get along fine without all that junk. In fact, the Shadow is much better off without it—it feels lighter and freer. Do you follow me at all, Max, or is this an exercise in futility?”

  “I don’t follow you at all, but it’s no exercise in futility,” I said. “The sound of your voice is very soothing. So, how am I supposed to live with two hearts now?”

  “The same way you did before, only better. You’ll see. You’re one lucky guy, if I do say so myself.”

  “I’m lucky, that’s for sure,” I said, winking at Tekki. “Unlike you.”

  “How come?” she said, startled.

  “Because I swear in my sleep, spit venom left and right, work at night, and I’m a glutton. Oh, I almost forgot: on top of that, I’m the king of some tribe of nomads or other. Now do you see who you’ve gotten mixed up with?”

  Tekki smiled. “Mother always told me I’d come to a bad end.” Her smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared. “Wait a minute, Max. Why do you think I’d be interested in all that? Why are you so sure that I—”

  “Who’s asking you?” I said. “You poisoned me with your love potion. Now be so kind as to take full responsibility. I’ll be needing a prolonged course of treatment. For the next six hundred years, at least, my life will still be in critical condition, so I’ll be needing daily medical checkups. Then we’ll see. Am I right, Sir Juffin?”

  “If you say so,” said Juffin, yawning. “Okay, now, put yourself back together. I’m expecting you back tomorrow at noon.”

  “At dusk,” I said firmly. “Death is a valid reason for me to run a little late, don’t you think?”

  I tapped the tip of my nose twice with my right index finger, the favorite Kettarian gesture, meaning, “Two good people can always come to an understanding.” Juffin melted right away. Then again, he wasn’t particularly cold to begin with.

  “You are a shirker, mister, but Magicians be with you. At dusk it is, then. Go ahead and live your life to the hilt. I’m going to get some sleep. By the way, I didn’t even ask anybody’s permission to leave work today.”

  “Ask mine,” I said. “I’ll let you go, I promise.”

  “Will you really?” said Juffin. Then he smiled at Tekki. “I hope to see you again under less dramatic circumstances, child. I’m sorry if I scared you, but when I realized just what had happened, I might have done something even worse.”

  “He scared me even more, to tell you the truth,” said Tekki, nodding in my direction. “I don’t remember much of the rest.”

  “All the better for you, then,” said Juffin. “I suspect I didn’t behave quite the way a good-mannered old gentleman should. Oh, and one more thing: if you are going to let this young man laze around in your bed all day, you’re going to have to stock up on Elixir of Kaxar. He consumes that stuff by the crate.”

  “Oh, no,” said Tekki. “Maybe he should buy it himself, then?”

  “Him? No. He’s also a cheapskate.”

  When we were alone, Tekki gave me a long, intense look.

  “Are you sure you really want to stay here, Max?”

  “Absolutely,” I said.

  “Strange,” she said. “But why?”

  “Because you are here,” I said. “Isn’t it obvious?”

  “Is this a confession?”

  “Don’t be silly. It’s much more than that.”

  “But do you even know who I am? All children of Loiso Pondoxo—”

  “Did he have many children?” I said in an indifferent tone.

  “I had sixteen brothers. We’re all his illegitimate children, with different mothers, of course. But we get along very well, because we don’t really have anyone but ourselves. Especially my brothers.”

  “And all of your brothers are ghosts now. That’s great. I’m sure I’ll get along with them, too, because I myself am Magicians-know-who from Magicians-know-where.”

  “I thought as much,” said Tekki. “A man who changes the color of his eyes every minute . . .”

  “Have you noticed already?”

  “Have I? I’ve been staring at you all along.”

  “Why?”

  I was quite openly fishing for compliments. Tekki noticed it and made a funny face.

  “I had to be looking at something besides dead bodies.”

  “Speaking of dead bodies. I’m feeling hungry all of a sudden. Do you have anything I can peck?”

  “You ate it all up, don’t you remember?”

  “O woe is me! I met the owner of the only tavern in this World that doesn’t have any food on the menu.”

  “I can send over to the Fat Turkey.”

  “Forget about turkeys and Turks. Let’s just say I’m on a postmortem diet.”

  “What are Turks?” she said.

  But that would remain a mystery to her. I didn’t have time to launch into geographical discussions, for I had just managed to reach her. To my delight, she had neither the strength nor the desire to resist.

  An hour before dusk I appeared at the House by the Bridge like a well-trained employee. I hadn’t been able to follow Juffin’s advice to get some sleep. Nor had I managed to get anything to eat. I was too busy.

  “Oh, no,” said Juffin. He immediately assessed the situation and showed me the door. “I hope you have enough strength left in
you to carry yourself over to the Glutton. Go ahead and have a snack. I can’t stand looking at you like this.”

  “He’s not going to make it, for sure. But I can carry him over there.”

  That was the omnipresent Melifaro, chuckling behind my back. It looked like he wasn’t suffering from a hangover.

  “Just in time,” I said. “You owe me one after yesterday.”

  “Uh-oh, did I make a mess?” said Melifaro.

  “You bet you did. You broke all the dishes in that wonderful tavern and then fell asleep. They made me glue them all back together. I just finished.”

  “Oh, so that’s what you’ve been up too all this time,” said Juffin. “I never would have guessed. Look, boys, if you’re going to stay here another minute, you won’t have time to eat, so off you go.”

  “You’re so strict today,” I said, doing an about-face. The truth was that I did feel a little queasy.

  “And take it easy, boy,” said Juffin.

  I felt his heavy stare fixed on my back as I turned to go.

  “Hey! You look like a scruffy farm cat during mating season,” Melifaro said as he sat down at our favorite table in the Glutton Bunba.

  “Right you are, man.”

  I didn’t want to argue. I was feeling too good for that. I wanted to send a call to Tekki and ask her how she was doing, but I withstood the urge bravely. I was afraid that if she heard my question, she’d be convinced she was dealing with a madman. It was crazy to ask how she was doing already, only thirty minutes after we had parted.

  So I decided to attend to the matters at hand. I started devouring everything in sight. For the first several minutes I was incommunicado to the outside world. Then I gave a long and satisfied sigh, asked for a second helping, and fixed my gaze on Melifaro.

  “Did you have fun this morning?”

  Melifaro’s face changed. “Why didn’t you kill them, Max? It would’ve made me so happy.”