The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “Ah, Sir Ariama Junior,” I said. “How do you do?”

  “Not so long ago he wasn’t doing very well,” said Melamori. “It’s good that you insisted we look for him immediately,Max. When I found him he was on the verge of death. But Juffin is a true wonder-worker, so Sir Ariama is all right now. Aren’t you, Sir Ariama?”

  The young man nodded, and Melamori continued.

  “That Arvaroxian hero—Mudlax, I mean—was waiting for him when he came home. He hit him over the head, then hid him in the bushes in the backyard. Either he got nervous, or just decided he didn’t need any extra witnesses.”

  “In any case, you were very lucky, sir,” I said. “That blow on the head saved you from running into some other clients of your father’s who are much more dangerous. All’s well that ends well, right?”

  “Poor Father,” said the young man. “I got along very well with him. Why did they kill him, I wonder?”

  “His was a dangerous profession,” I said. “I doubt people would want to change their faces just because the shape of their chin didn’t match an ornament on their new looxi. Drink up your kamra and get well soon. Melamori, I’m off to see Juffin. I have some great news.” I shook my left fist proudly in front of her little nose.

  “Is he in there?” said Melamori, excited. “Great! Good night, Max. Juffin gave me permission to leave, so I’ll be off soon. I’m taking Sir Ariama home, and then . . . Then I’m going to keep having fun.”

  “Good night,” I said, nodding sympathetically. “Strange and wonderful things happen to people sometimes, don’t you think?”

  There was a small, cordial gathering in Juffin’s office. Sir Kofa Yox sat comfortably in my favorite chair, and Melifaro was sitting at the table, dangerously close to a tray with food from the Glutton. I think he was sleeping with his eyes open. I didn’t remember ever seeing him so quiet before.

  I poured myself some kamra and nestled on the window ledge.

  “So what did you and Sotofa do at the Residence of the Seven-Leaf Clover?” said Juffin.

  “Nothing that we’d be ashamed to tell the journalists,” I said. Then I briefed my colleagues on the details of my hunt for the unknown villain.

  “So, you’re saying you found him in the bushes, without his turban and unconscious?” said Juffin. “That’s just brilliant! Talk about luck. Okay, let’s take a look at your trophy.”

  “Here you go.”

  The bald man appeared on the floor by Sir Kofa. He was still knocked out.

  “The spitting image of Jorinmuk Vansifis! I don’t even think the Great Nuflin would know the difference,” said Juffin. “Kofa, would you be a good sport and let us take a peek at his real face? I’m curious.”

  “What a job,” said Kofa. “To reverse the work of Varixa Ariama? A hole in the heavens above his grave—he was one of the best.”

  “And you are the best—don’t be so modest. But cast some spell on him first, so he doesn’t wake up. We don’t want any trouble. We’re sitting here in good company. I was just about to send for dinner.”

  “Perfect timing,” I said.

  “Okay,” said Kofa. “Let me squeeze out the rest of my magic.”

  “‘The rest of my magic,’” said Juffin. “You have enough magic for all of us here. You’ll still be here when we’ve all retired.”

  “Maybe I will, maybe I won’t,” said Kofa. “Here goes nothing.”

  He bent over the bald gentleman. Melifaro blinked, gave me a blank look, and moved to the now vacant armchair. It did seem that he had just woken up.

  “Where’s Sir Shurf?” he said, bewildered.

  “Where? He went home half an hour ago,” said Juffin. “And so should you. You can’t stay awake another minute.”

  “I’m awake now. I can’t go anywhere now that you’ve sent for dinner.”

  “Suit yourself. The more people I torture with overwork, the more precious my memories when I get old.”

  “Look, a familiar face,” said Kofa Yox standing up. “Juffin, you should be able to recognize this guy.”

  “Xekta Bonbon, the former Grand Magician of the Order of the Flat Mountain himself!” said Juffin. He looked almost tenderly at the sunken cheeks and furry eyebrows of the old man lying on the floor. “Well, I’ll be! I thought he was digging in his garden somewhere in Uryuland and had long since forgotten about the Capital . . . I’m sorry, boys, but you must excuse Sir Bonbon and me. I guess I won’t be staying for dinner. I can’t wait to find out what on earth he was doing in Jafax.“

  “Are you going to tell me?” I asked hopefully.

  “Of course I will. He’s your catch, after all. Rather, yours and Sotofa’s, which is even worse. The two of you can thrash the life out of me with all your questions.

  “Right, gentlemen. Take care. Split my serving among yourselves. By the way, if I were you, I’d invite Lady Tuotli and Sir Blookey over. They’ve been working hard these days. Now they’re probably dozing off at the Police Department, thinking life couldn’t get any more boring than this. Don’t you think it’s a bit unfair?”

  “I’ll call them,” said Melifaro. “Why didn’t I think of that myself?”

  I turned to him but only caught a glimpse of his orange looxi disappearing behind the door.

  Juffin gently picked up Grand Magician Xekta Bonbon from the floor. Then, holding him like a drunk but dear relative, he dragged him over to the door.

  “Are you going downstairs?” said Sir Kofa.

  “Of course. You don’t suppose Xekta will tell me his secrets in a friendly chat over a cup of kamra, do you? No, this interrogation calls for a great deal of magic.”

  I knew what he was talking about. In the basement of the House by the Bridge, among the numerous restrooms, there was a small and very uncomfortable room, isolated from the rest of the World by the joint spells of Sir Juffin Hully and the Grand Magician Nuflin Moni Mak. In that room one could exercise magic of any degree without fear of knocking the World off balance. I had been in that “lab” only once, on an excursion rather than on business: the highest degrees of Apparent Magic, for which the room was built, were way out of my league. As for more commonplace miracles, our office was as good as any other place.

  Meanwhile, a sleepy courier had put numerous trays from the Glutton Bunba on the table. Melifaro returned in the company of Lieutenant Apurra Blookey.

  “Where’s Lady Tuotli?” I said.

  “She gave us a concise lecture on the inappropriateness of parties during working hours, spiced up by a few expletives,” said Melifaro. “Forget about her, that uncrowned Queen of the City Police.”

  “I don’t understand what’s gotten into her,” said Apurra Blookey. “Kekki is a great girl. She should have thanked you guys for inviting her.”

  She’s being shy again, I thought. I’ll bet that’s what it is.

  I jumped down from the window ledge.

  “I’m going to talk to her. Melifaro, friend, do me a favor. If I do come back, please aim your insults only at me, okay? I’m almost a goner, so you don’t have to mollycoddle me. Lady Tuotli, on the other hand, has her whole life before her. Don’t traumatize her.”

  “As if I’m some kind of baby eater!” said Melifaro, nonplussed. “I’m not that terrible.”

  “Ah, but you are. Trust me. And don’t you dare go eating my food.”

  “I’ll see to it that he doesn’t, my boy,” said Kofa. He was clearly on my side.

  I went to the half of the building occupied by the City Police. I tiptoed to the office that had once belonged to the late Captain Shixola and listened. Someone was sniffling inside. I decided not to go in but to send her a call first. No one wants to be seen crying.

  Lady Kekki, I’m sorry to impose, but parties during work hours are the most interesting events, believe me. It’s only for the sake of those parties that I’m still serving in this sinning outfit.

  I sensed that my invisible interlocutor had smiled.

  Your Silent Speech is so f
unny, Sir Max.

  That’s right, I’m a regular joker. As for the Silent Speech, I’m still not very good at it, so do you think I can come in?

  For a long time there was no answer. Then the door opened. Lady Kekki stood in the doorway looking at me with her beautiful gray eyes, defiant and helpless at the same time.

  “Has that madcap Melifaro been getting on your nerves?” I said. “He’s a great guy, really. It’s just that we’re all—all the Secret Investigators, that is—a little crazy. His personal insanity can be a little wearying for some people, but you should try to ignore it.”

  “It has nothing to do with Sir Melifaro,” said Kekki. “Granted, he’s not the most courteous gentlemen on this side of the Xuron, but compared to General Boboota, he’s not too bad.”

  With a great deal of pleasure I imagined Melifaro’s reaction to Kekki’s generous description of his character.

  “Okay, but then why did you—”

  “Sir Max, you are a very kind and good person,” said Kekki. “You’re quick on the uptake but . . . I’m afraid you can’t help me. Please tell Sir Melifaro that I’m sorry for being rude, and tell Apurra not to be mad at me. But I think I’d better stay here in my office, okay?”

  “Well, it’s up to you,” I said. “I, for one, don’t think it’s ‘better,’ but . . . Do as you please, Magicians be with you.”

  I turned around to leave. Then, all of a sudden, my new, second heart decided to show off its outstanding skills. It knocked ever so slightly on my chest, and I felt the hurricane of someone else’s irrational emotions engulfing me. Another moment and I would have lost my head. I quickly remembered the breathing exercises promoted by Sir Lonli-Lokli. They did enhance my self-control, even though I hadn’t been doing them regularly.

  “I’m very sorry, Lady Kekki,” I mumbled. “Honestly, I didn’t do it on purpose. I’m not trying to meddle in your personal affairs, but why are you so afraid of Sir Kofa? He’s an extremely nice man and—”

  “Did you read my mind?” she said, shocked.

  “No, no. I was simply engulfed by your emotions. Never mind, I didn’t even have time to get to the bottom of them. Still, I shouldn’t have let this happen. Forgive me, sometimes I just can’t control my little quirks.”

  “It’s all right,” Kekki whispered. “My emotions—as though they’re a big secret.”

  And she began crying like a child. I shuffled my feet in the doorway. I felt like an inept babysitter who’d just upset the child he was meant to be taking care of.

  “Want me to cry along with you?” I said. “I’m pretty good at it, too.”

  “I think I can do it on my own, thank you very much,” said Kekki, managing a weak smile. “It’s nice of you to offer to keep me company. But you don’t understand. I’m not afraid of Sir Kofa. I’ve been wanting to meet him since I was a child.” She never stopped sniffling. “My parents had old newspapers, the very first issues of the Royal Voice. Among the latest news, it had a special column with old crime reports, a kind of chronicle from the Epoch of Orders. I couldn’t stop reading the stories about Sir Kofa’s exploits.”

  “I see,” I said.

  “No, you don’t! I rejected a proposal to work at the Royal Court, fell out with all my relatives, and finally got this position at the City Police. All because Sir Kofa was once the general of the Right Bank Police—”

  “And because our organizations share the same building,” I said.

  “That’s right. But it didn’t turn out exactly the way I thought it would. First, I’m terribly shy around him and always say silly things. Second, because of our boss, that idiot General Box, we’re the laughingstock of all the Secret Investigators. I can just imagine what Sir Kofa must think of me!”

  “He’s not thinking anything bad about you. If anything, it’s the other way around. You should’ve seen him looking at you.”

  At that moment I was sure I was telling the truth. I’ll go to any lengths to make a good person stop bawling.

  “Are you serious?”

  Her tears stopped for a split second and then began anew with twice the intensity. These, however, were tears of relief. I wanted to bite off my lying tongue. But didn’t Sir Kofa brighten up when I mentioned the name of this stubborn girl? Or did he?

  “So, what about the party, Kekki?” I said. “Will you change your mind? Everybody’s waiting for you. We’re good guys, you know. We all need to be friends.”

  “I . . . I guess I changed my mind,” she said wiping off her tears. “Will you help me if I start saying silly things again?”

  “Of course I will. I’ll also start saying silly things, only louder,” I said. “That’s basically all I do, say silly things. In the breaks between brutal murders, that is.”

  Lady Kekki Tuotli smiled and passed her hands lightly over her face. It immediately changed, leaving no trace of tears.

  “I can’t change my face like Sir Kofa. Maybe I’ll learn to do that someday. But what I can do is change it to look good without using any makeup,” she said.

  “Brilliant!” I said. “Will you teach me?”

  “Are you joking?”

  “Not at all. I really don’t know how to put my appearance in order. With or without makeup.”

  And we went back to the other half of the House by the Bridge. Lady Kekki was holding the fold of my looxi like a preschooler holding the sleeve of her older brother. It was too moving even for my unsophisticated tastes.

  “There they are!” said Sir Kofa. “I was fighting for your servings like a hero of the ancient world, I swear.”

  “I don’t doubt it for a second,” I said, seating Lady Kekki in Juffin’s armchair. Then I turned to Melifaro. “So they didn’t give you the chance to play the villain?”

  “No, but they gave me the chance to drink,” saidMelifaro. “If that ship from Arvarox doesn’t sail back soon, I’ll take to drink once and for all.”

  “It will sail back,” said Kofa. “Are you that tired of them?”

  “You bet! Now pour me another one. And don’t look at me like a probation officer, Max.”

  “I’m only worried about my own leisure,” I said. “Don’t you think it’ll be too much if I have to tuck you in tonight, too?”

  Melifaro tried to sulk, but then he dropped the act and laughed. Sir Kofa and Lieutenant Apurra Blookey were smiling from ear to ear. Even Lady Kekki gave a shy giggle.

  I didn’t say anything funny, I thought. Is this just a normal reaction to the sound of my voice?

  I took a bite off a still warm piece of pie and looked at Kekki. She didn’t seem to have any appetite. Ah, she’s the one who needs to have a few too many, I thought. Then she’ll be fine.

  “Sir Kofa, Lady Kekki and I need to have a drink,” I said. “After the heated exchange we just had downstairs, we need to put things right. And I know of no better way of doing it.”

  “Were you fighting?” said Melifaro. “And who won?”

  “It’s a tie,” I said. “We’re going to take a short break and then give it another go. Right, Lady Kekki?”

  “Well, if you think it’s necessary, I don’t mind,” she said. Finally, I heard in her voice the hint of light playfulness that makes a person a fine interlocutor.

  I had told myself many times not to try to patch up other people’s relationships. Too bad I’d always remained deaf to my own warnings. Sometimes a whole team of cartoon rescue rangers takes over inside me, and, led by Chip and Dale, they rush to save someone’s ruined life. Back in the day, my charitable rescue operations had usually ended up a complete fiasco. Today, however, a glass of Jubatic Juice was all it took. The concoction had the most beneficial effect on Lady Kekki: she relaxed and finally began eating. I paused for a little while and sent a call to Sir Kofa.

  You wouldn’t believe it, but this exceptional lady here is crazy about you. Just stay calm, though. I don’t want her to know I’m telling you this. She’s been reading about your noble deeds since childhood, and it’s been
her dream to meet you. Now she’s afraid of you, so have mercy on the poor girl.

  Thank you for the good news, boy, replied Sir Kofa.

  Then he said out loud, “Melifaro, my friend, what is it that you’re looking at?”

  “Look,” said Melifaro, holding up his glass for everybody to view. A tiny green caterpillar was crawling across the outer surface. “Where did it come from?”

  “Who knows?” I said. “Don’t you think it just came to have a drink?”

  “Well, sinning Magicians, nobody can accuse Melifaro of being greedy!”

  He carefully took the caterpillar and put it inside his empty glass.

  “There are a few drops left in there,” he said. “Should be enough.”

  “Be careful, it’s going to get drunk and come after you to beat you up.”

  “Me? Its benefactor? You’re the ones it will go after!” He shook the caterpillar out of the glass onto the table, muttering, “That should just about do it.” Lieutenant Apurra Blookey suggested that the caterpillar needed a chaser. This was all very amusing, but at that moment Juffin sent me a call.

  Come down here, Max. I think you’re going to find this interesting.

  I slid off the edge of the table I had been occupying, retrieved the bottle of Elixir of Kaxar from Juffin’s desk drawer, and took a substantial swallow. The drowsiness that the Jubatic Juice had brought on was gone in an instant. I nodded in approval, locked the drawer, and headed toward the door.

  “Where are you going?” said Kofa.

  “Juffin just sent me a call,” I said. “And don’t let the caterpillar get too drunk. It still has to become a butterfly.”

  “Do you think it will still be able to now?” asked Melifaro, genuinely alarmed.

  “We’ll just have to wait and see. Be good, my children. Listen to Sir Kofa and the mighty buriwok. I’m off to have some fun.”

  “And who’s going to tuck me into bed? You said you’d take me home if I got drunk, which I did,” said Melifaro.

  I winked conspiratorially at the blushing Lady Kekki and left the office.