The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  A soft ruckus outside signaled the successful beginning of my operation.

  “I am with you, Master!”

  The stubborn old man was probably the first victim of the attack. His voice was soon joined by a chorus of others.

  “I am with you, Master! I am with you, Master!”

  “Good,” I said. “Now let me out of here.”

  The carpet was unwrapped and the nomads cut the thin but durable ropes that had made me look like a silkworm in a cocoon. Their hands were shaking. They looked at me amorously, their eyes staring at me from under their silly kerchiefs.

  I rubbed my numb hands and looked around. The vehicle I had been kidnapped in was an old cart. It stood in the middle of a beautiful grove. Around it walked the nomads’ moose, their antlers decorated with shiny thingamajigs.

  Not without difficulty—my legs were still a bit numb—I got out of the cart and sat down on the ground. Then I gave my eccentric monarchists a long stern look.

  “Never ever try to return me to my homeland. Especially in this manner.” I looked at the old man. “How did you catch me, by the way? Come on, spill it out.”

  “With a lasso,” said the old man. “We learned from people which of the strange magic carts belonged to you, and I hid myself under a seat. I’m very good with my lasso, Fanghaxra, so your life was never in any danger. I tightened it just enough for you to go to sleep.”

  “Really?” I said. “How convenient. Where were you when I was suffering from insomnia?”

  “Forgive me, O Fanghaxra, that I was not with you during those days of hardship,” said the old man, absolutely seriously.

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  “Fine. Go home, guys, will you? Some people are doing just great without kings, by the way, so it’s not that big a deal.”

  “We cannot leave you, master!” said the nomads sadly.

  “Oh, that’s right. But it’ll pass. One last order for the road, though. Well, not an order, really, just a piece of advice. Get rid of those darn headscarves. They look silly on you. Or at least tie them in a different manner. Let me show you.”

  The old man handed me his headscarf dutifully. I wanted to take off my turban but noticed I wasn’t wearing it. It must have fallen off in the amobiler or wherever they had wrapped me in the carpet.

  I took the scarf and quickly wrapped it around his head like a pirate’s bandanna. Meeting Sir Anchifa Melifaro had apparently had a greater effect on me than I thought.

  “Something like this. Got that?”

  “We shall do as you say, Fanghaxra,” said the old man.

  And the dwellers of the Borderlands quickly began modifying their headgear. A few moments later I thought they looked pretty decent. They looked like a bunch of extras for a low-budget version of Treasure Island.

  “Good, good,” I said. “Now, listen to me very carefully. Get down on the ground, close your eyes, concentrate, and . . . You’re free from my tyranny! Boom!”

  A few moments later, the nomads stood up, scared and bewildered. Praise be the Magicians, though, they were now quite sane.

  “What have you done to us, O Fanghaxra?” asked their gray-haired leader. “A man cannot do this to other men. Are you a god?”

  “Oh boy. First a king, now a god,” I said. “Forget it. I hereby adjourn this first and final meeting at my court. Goodbye, gentlemen, and have a safe journey home.”

  “Are you not coming with us?” the old man said sadly.

  “Of course not. Did you ever think I would?”

  “I had a hope.”

  “I told you that hope was a darn-fool feeling,” I said. “Yet I have a hope, too. I hope you’re going to do well, even without me. Go home, people. And I will, too.”

  I watched the caravan disappear in the distance as the thingamajigs on the antlers of their moose jingled and clanked, making a sad melody.

  Then I shook my head a few times to clear it and sent a call to Juffin. The boss greeted me with a long monologue.

  I’m glad you sent me a call, Max. I was just about to do the same and ask you politely whether you still remembered that you have a job. Your amobiler has been parked by Headquarters since morning, and you’re nowhere to be found. How did you get home yesterday, I’d like to know? Did you fly? Actually, I’m willing to believe it.

  You think I’m still in Echo?

  Where else would you be?

  Frankly, I have no idea, but this is definitely not Echo. Wait a minute, are you telling me you don’t know? I was kidnapped.

  Kidnapped! By whom?

  My own subjects, if you’ll pardon the expression. I thought everyone down at Headquarters was running amok in panic.

  That’s news to me! How come I didn’t sense anything? When you overindulged in the love potion, I sensed it even before your body hit the floor.

  Maybe you were sleeping like a log after your exercise with the two hundred and thirty-fourth degree of Magic yesterday. Besides, it wasn’t a big deal. The guys didn’t want to hurt me. I was unconscious and took a ride in some horrible cart. Other than that I’m fine.

  Hold on a second. Run that past me one more time—are you still in captivity?

  Are you joking? Do you think I can’t handle a bunch of crazy nomads?

  Okay, hero. I believe you want to get home now?

  And how! Do you think you can send Melamori for me? Because I have no idea where I am. She can just stand on my trace and find me in no time. You know that it doesn’t really affect me in any way. Plus, she now drives almost as fast as I do.

  That’s a very good idea. I think I can pull her away from her studies of the ancient cultures of Arvarox for a time. Okay, stay put and wait. I hope your loyal subjects didn’t deposit you too far away. Send me a call if anything happens.

  Like there’s anything that can happen to me here.

  Having finished with Juffin, I sent a call to Tekki. I should have been ashamed of myself: I had lied to her, threatening to return at dawn, and then disappeared for good. Not the best strategy for the beginning of a relationship. To my surprise, Tekki wasn’t at all mad.

  What swamp did the werewolves drag you off to, sweetheart?

  I recapped a short version of the events for her.

  I hope these things won’t be happening to me every day, I said.

  I’m not so sure. But never mind. It’s fine by me.

  Thirty minutes later I felt I might collapse in exhaustion. I could usually use Silent Speech for a few minutes without any problem, but then I began to tire. This was clearly too much for me, so I had to say goodbye.

  I lay on my back and stared at the pale, almost milk-white sky. I felt completely happy—a state that was totally unusual for me. I fell asleep before I knew it.

  I was woken up by the snorting approach of the amobiler. And just in time, because I had been dreaming that I was running away from a dozen grim-looking doctors with the faces of downright villains. They were going to stuff me with a bunch of pills that they said would help me get rid of my second heart. I, on the other hand, had other plans . . . A regular nightmare, in other words. I hadn’t had nightmares in a long time, so I woke up in a cold sweat, happy that it had all been just a dream.

  “What happened, Max?” said Melamori. She looked scared. “Were you in trouble? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

  “No, no. I’m fine. Just a bad dream.”

  “That’s not ‘fine,’ then,” she said. “I decided to take your amobiler. I thought you’d be happy to come back home in it. Here’s your turban, by the way. You should put it on—you’re so disheveled. Was I quick? Was I? Tell me. Was I quick? I got here before dark.”

  “You were,” I said, looking at her pleased face. “You’re getting better by the minute. You have every chance of winning our bet someday.”

  “Now I believe it, too,” said Melamori. “Especially after this long, long drive. You know, the nomads managed to cover a great distance. I didn’t expect to find you so fa
r away from Echo.”

  “Then we’d better hurry back. Now it’s my turn to drive.”

  It took me more than an hour to get back, even though I was breaking every imaginable speed limit. The nomads had, indeed, managed to take me pretty far. Apparently, their sad-looking moose were decent runners. On my way back, I entertained Melamori with a picturesque version of my kidnapping.

  “So, what’s your news?” I said.

  “Oh, we’ve got a ton of it! They’re keeping Mudlax in Xolomi. They only put him away for two years, though. For false evidence. Sir Juffin wanted to get his hands on Mudlax right away, but Kamshi was adamant. ‘The law is the law,’ you see.”

  “Yes, that’s how Kamshi has always been. Only before he didn’t have the clout to demonstrate his stubbornness to Sir Juffin Hully. Then again, stubbornness isn’t such a bad quality for the warden of Xolomi.”

  “I’m not saying it’s a bad quality. But do you know what’s going on there right now? Aloxto is positioning his Sharptooths around the ferry crossing, because Kamshi wouldn’t let them on the island itself. I’m sure they have orders to stare at the walls of Xolomi for two years and not even blink, making sure their ‘filthy Mudlax’ doesn’t run away from them. Cute, isn’t it?”

  “It is,” I said. “I should go have a look at that show sometime.”

  “You’re going to love it,” said Melamori, as if she were the artistic director.

  Meanwhile, we passed the Gate of Kexervar the Conqueror. The amobiler glided swiftly through the dense gardens of the Left Bank.

  “Wow!” said Melamori. “It took me much longer to drive there to pick you up. I’m never going to beat you.”

  “All in due time, my dear. All in due time. So, will those Arvaroxian beauties continue to entertain us for the next two years?”

  “Well, yes and no. Fifty of the Sharptooths are staying to enjoy the view of the gloomy walls of Xolomi, and the others will return home, along with their ‘sternlooking’ chieftain. You see, Aloxto promised Toila Liomurik that he’d be back before the beginning of next year. He didn’t know Mudlax would go to jail. The mighty Conqueror of Arvarox can’t use Silent Speech, unfortunately, so there’s no way of letting him know what has happened. In any case, the Arvaroxians are convinced that they must keep their promises. Aloxto is leaving in a few days and then coming back after two years to kill Mudlax with his own hands. Very romantic, don’t you think?”

  “I’ll say.” I looked at Melamori with sympathy. “Is that bad?”

  “I don’t know what to say,” she said. “Maybe it’s bad, maybe it’s good. I don’t want to think about it now. We’ll see. Oh, are we back already?”

  “What do you think?” I said proudly, as I stopped the amobiler by the entrance to the Ministry of Perfect Public Order.

  “Good night, Max,” said Melamori. “I don’t think I need to go back to work today. Besides—”

  “No need to justify yourself. This night is too beautiful to waste sweating away in Juffin’s office. I’m going to skip work myself. I’m just going to show my tired face to the boss and make his heart weep with compassion.”

  “You’re going to fail miserably,” said Melifaro. “You look all right, Your Majesty.”

  She waved to me and disappeared around the corner. I watched her go and then went in to Headquarters.

  “Nobody has ever stolen anything from me in my life,” said Juffin with a smile. “Then some nomads up and steal my Nocturnal Representative. I hope you have avenged the soiled reputation of the Secret Investigative Force.”

  “You talk like a true Arvaroxian now, sir,” I said, sitting down in my favorite armchair.

  “I’m flattered, but I have much to learn from Sir Aloxto. Are you hungry? You look terrible.”

  “I can imagine. Melamori seemed to think things weren’t all that bad, though.”

  “Melamori has always been a brave girl,” said Juffin. “Especially lately. By the way, I had an almost two-hour-long discussion with Sir Korva Blimm. He thought I was stupid enough to interfere with the personal lives of my subordinates. I had to convince him otherwise. All in all, I can’t say I spent my time any better than you did.”

  “I believe you,” I said. “Parents can be unbearable sometimes. Are the Blimms really shocked about Melamori’s affair with Aloxto?”

  “What do you think?”

  “I can relate,” I said. Then I started laughing. “But you took care of it, right?”

  “Sometimes I’m surprised at my own powers,” said Juffin.

  After I told him in detail about my exotic little adventure and ate a huge piece of Madam Zizinda’s special pie, Juffin decided that my weary, beat-up countenance wasn’t something he wanted to look at right before bedtime.

  “You should go get some rest, Max. It doesn’t seem like we’re going to have any work for a while, so you may be dismissed until the day after tomorrow. You deserve a rest after your ‘coronation.’”

  “You’re not joking?”

  “I am not joking. Unless something extraordinary happens, but I doubt it will. That’s already behind us, I think.”

  “If anything happens, I’ll be the first to know, because it’ll be happening to me,” I said, grinning. “I’ve been pretty unfortunate lately, don’t you think?”

  “You’ve been fortunate, too, if I understand correctly. But if I were you, I’d put getting my backside in trouble on the backside burner for the time being.”

  “I’m genuinely trying,” I said. “Because if the trouble keeps piling up in that region, I’m not going outside anymore without my own personal bodyguards.”

  I was, of course, joking, but when I walked outside and went up to my amobiler I felt a little uneasy. Who knew what those nomads might do? What if they took it into their heads to return to Echo in the dead of night and start their antics all over again?

  It looked like my premonitions hadn’t deceived me. Squinting, I saw somebody’s shadow in the back seat.

  You’re hallucinating, I thought, trying to reason with myself like a normal person. You’re going to be seeing things like that for some time to come, so relax.

  Autosuggestion didn’t work: I was absolutely sure that someone was hiding in my amobiler. I took a bold step forward, preparing to spit or launch a Lethal Sphere—whichever came first.

  “O mighty king of carts, grant me but a patch of your Land of Fertile Weeds!”

  The dim orange light of the street lamps cast a pleasant shadow on Melifaro’s happy face. I jumped back in surprise, put my hand over my two hearts, and laughed with relief.

  “Man, you were playing with fire. I’m a bundle of nerves these days. I could have killed you!”

  “Easier said than done,” said Melifaro. “Want to buy me a cup of kamra?”

  “You’re in luck. I was just heading over to the Armstrong & Ella. Expanding the clientele of a beautiful lady is the foremost task of a noble knight.”

  “That’s what I thought, Your Majesty,” said Melifaro, and he bowed so low that he almost fell out of the amobiler.

  I packed him back in and finally set out for where I had wanted to go for such a long time.

  “I’m so happy you brought over your colleague, Max,” said Tekki from behind the bar when she saw us. “I just happen to have a stack of old glasses I don’t need anymore. Do you think you can break them for me, Sir Melifaro? You’re so good at it.”

  “I’m not in the best form today, Lady Shekk, but since you’re asking, I’ll do my best, if His Majesty doesn’t mind,” said Melifaro. “You know, I’m afraid of making this tyrant angry. He could easily order his bare-bummed subjects to bury me in horse manure.”

  “Why bare-bummed?” I said. “They wear very cute shorts. I like them.”

  “Have some made for yourself, then,” said Melifaro. “You will look irresistible in them. Better than that goggle-eyed Aloxto.”

  “I already look irresistible.” I gave Tekki an apologetic look. “Now you know that y
ou’ve fallen victim to a horrible fraud. We’re not Secret Investigators. We’re humble patients from the local Refuge for the Mad. They let us out from time to time if we behave ourselves.”

  “Really? Then you should behave yourself so they let you out more often,” said Tekki, placing before us two cups of kamra, which really was the best kamra in the Unified Kingdom.

  “I’ll try,” I said.

  Melifaro listened to our exchange with great pleasure. “Finally, a place in town where I can have fun!” he said. “The future is looking bright.”

  The door creaked. Anday Pu was standing in the doorway.

  “Max, a hole in the heavens above you! You don’t catch a thing! Dinner is over once and for all,” said the journalist. “Why did you refuse to become their king? They burn like comets out there where they come from! I could easily take care of your cats—it wouldn’t kill me.”

  Melifaro was laughing so hard he almost fell off the high barstool.

  “Is this guy also from your Refuge? Is his bunk bed next to yours, and did they also let him out for exemplary behavior?” said Tekki.

  “You have such an astute mind, Tekki,” I said.

  The next few days were the happiest days in my life. Even at work I didn’t come out of the fog, thick as cotton candy, which turned the world around me into a blissful wonderland.

  But one day, before an astonishingly beautiful summer sunset, I overheard a disturbing conversation.

  “I must leave tomorrow.” The whisper, coming from the Hall of Common Labor, belonged beyond any doubt to Aloxto Allirox because it was louder than a normal human shout. “But I do not want to leave. And yet—”

  “And yet you must go, right?” I recognized Melamori’s voice.