The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “In any case, Sir Juffin’s words are an order,” I said. “Say what you want, but a dinner from the Glutton will be on this table any minute now.”

  “Very good, son,” said Kofa. “You must be a kind god. Would anyone mind if I called our colleagues from the City Police Department?”

  “Along with Sir Boboota Box?” said Melifaro.

  “Along with Lady Kekki Tuotli, my boy. And don’t you dare smirk.”

  “Okay, I’ll be serious and . . . what else does one do under the circumstances? Oh, yes, I’ll be mournful,” said Melifaro. He made the most dismal face his facial muscles could manage. Still, it didn’t look very convincing.

  The dinner was long, and we had a great deal of fun, except that Melamori never showed up. I realized that she wasn’t up to having fun with us right then, and my heart went out to her. Or, rather, my two hearts—all I had at my disposal.

  Melamori finally did show up, at around midnight, when I was alone in the House by the Bridge. I still had my night shift, after all.

  She hesitated in the doorway of my office. My second heart immediately cringed from her pain and fluttered with a tenderness that wasn’t mine, either. I tried my best to ignore the fits of my otherworldly love muscle.

  “I think I did something stupid again, Max,” said Melamori.

  “People always do stupid things, as our mighty buriwok would put it if he weren’t asleep,” I said. “What did you do?”

  “I got scared and didn’t go to Arvarox with him, a hole in the heavens above it!”

  “I would be scared, too,” I lied, just in case.

  “You? No, Max, you wouldn’t be, I know it,” she said. “Well, maybe you would be scared, but it wouldn’t stop you.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t. But you’ll still have a chance to put things right. There’s nothing irreversible except death. Then again, even death can be considered just a minor glitch in the system. Take it from someone who’s an expert in this matter. Come in, let’s have a talk.”

  “That’s why I came.”

  And we talked away until dawn. We talked about silly trifles and things that people rarely talk about—a little bit of everything. We were interrupted by the hoob, who had been asleep on Melamori’s shoulder all night. He woke up and began to sing in a thin, sad voice.

  “Look, he’s singing,” I said. “It’s a good sign, right?”

  “Of course,” said Melamori. “Unlike Aloxto, I don’t believe in bad omens, only in good signs. I think I’m going to go home now and sleep like a log. I never saw it coming really.”

  “It’s been kind of obvious all along,” I said. “I’m such a boring person that anyone would be falling asleep.”

  “Of course you are,” said Melamori, laughing. “Have a good morning, Max.”

  “Have a good morning, Melamori.”

  I was incapable of making heads or tails of my own feelings, so I just put my feet on the table and lit a cigarette. Then again, were there any feelings to speak of?

  Sir Kofa returned in the morning, looking pleased and mysterious, and let me go home. This time I was able to fulfill my old promise and show up at Tekki’s at the worst possible time: an hour before dawn.

  “Look, Max, you can go sleep at your place sometimes,” she said in a sleepy voice as she opened the door. “Really, I won’t mind. Don’t you have a home?”

  “I have two homes,” I said. “The problem is that one of them doesn’t have you in it. I checked.”

  I finally managed to stay in bed as long as I wished—I woke up almost at dusk. I washed up and slowly went downstairs. I didn’t have the nerve to tell Tekki that I liked to have my kamra in bed when I wake up. I thought that would be too much for her.

  I walked into the tavern and froze in disbelief. Shurf Lonli-Lokli was sitting at the bar. Tekki was pouring kamra in his mug.

  “You are a good sleeper, Max,” he said.

  It sounded as though he had been teaching me to sleep long hours and was now proud of the results of his mentoring.

  “I’m trying my best,” I said. “Have they already told you that this place has the best kamra in Echo?”

  “No one told me anything, but I’ve just had the pleasure of confirming that claim in practice. I am here because I was looking for you. I wanted to send you a call, but I didn’t want to wake you up. Then Melifaro told me that—”

  “What happened to Melifaro? He gave you the correct address? It would have been just like him to send you to someplace like the Grave of Kukonin,” I said.

  “He tried to do something of the sort, but then Sir Kofa intervened. But I digress. I brought you the book you requested yesterday. It is best to give such things personally. It’s a tradition.”

  “The Sacred Book of Arvarox?” I said. “Sinning Magicians, Shurf! I’d never part with such a rarity even for a minute.”

  “I wasn’t going to give it you. I thought you’d pay me a visit and read it at my house, if you wanted to. But you see, last night I had a dream that the book asked me to give it to you,” said Lonli-Lokli. “I thought I should respect its opinion. So, here you go.”

  He handed me a small, thick parcel.

  I took it and started to unwrap it. I noticed that the ancient cover had clumps of fur sticking out here and there. Apparently, in its better days it was as furry as a kitten. I held the precious book in my hands. It felt too heavy and warm. No, it was hot! I barely had time to realize that my palms were burning like a bonfire before the book started trembling and vanished. Poof!—and it was gone. I looked at my hands in bewilderment. Fortunately, there were no signs of burns.

  “D-did you see that, Shurf?” I said. “I swear I didn’t do anything.”

  “Now I see why the book wanted to be in your hands,” said Lonli- Lokli. He didn’t look upset. On the contrary, he seemed glad. “Somehow, you relieved it of the need to remain in this World. Don’t be surprised if the last two copies end up in your hands sooner or later.”

  “But . . . how? How did I do that?” I said. “And what do I have to do with this book, Shurf? Do you understand what’s going on?”

  “I understand some things, but not everything. I told you: you always get yourself into scrapes like this.”

  Lonli-Lokli looked at me with mild scorn. Or was it with sympathy? I still couldn’t distinguish between the expressions on his usually imperturbable face.

  “You’re so bad at handling good things, Max,” said Tekki, placing a mug of hot kamra in front of me.

  THREE

  THE VOLUNTEERS OF ETERNITY

  “YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DO CUT THEIR HAIR EVERY ONCE IN A while,” said Juffin, as he came into our office. “Didn’t you know that?”

  Frankly speaking, I did know that, but I hadn’t bothered to go to a barbershop. Instead, I had been tying my long, long hair into a ponytail and sticking it under the turban. The results were quite pleasing to the eye until I took the turban off. Which I had just done.

  “Does the length of my hair really matter?” I said. “Take Sir Manga, for instance. He has a long braid, and I don’t see anyone dragging him off to Xolomi for that.”

  “I just thought your lovely locks might be giving you some trouble,” said Juffin. “It’s up to you, of course. But enough about your hair. Tell me, have you read the papers?”

  “I have,” I said. “And I grieve. The crazy nomads who crowned me their king managed to defeat their enemies, who were wiser yet fewer in number. What are they up to now, I wonder? Is everything going to start all over again—they’ll kidnap me, and I’ll have to run away again, twice a year on a regular basis until I die?”

  “The old Count Gachillo, Sovereign of the County Vook, sent a petition to His Majesty King Gurig the other day. Among other things, he said that an official delegation of your restless subjects has set off toward Echo. They intend to throw themselves down before our Gurig’s feet and beg him to let you return to your homeland. In other words, if we want to call a spade a spade, they hope that His
Majesty will command you to reign over them. The Dark Sack is thrilled. He thinks that now you’re going to keep him company. He’s too lazy to come to the Capital himself and finds it a bit too boring on his estate.”

  “Yikes,” I said. “Say, will His Majesty really try to deport me? Deprive a fugitive fellow king of the right to serve at His Majesty’s Royal Court?”

  “Don’t be silly, Max. No one’s going to banish you from Echo, even if you wanted him to. But the king has another idea. One which, all things considered, may suit everybody.”

  “Oh, he does, does he?” I said. “What’s the idea?”

  “Imagine this: you agree to be king, put a crown on your disheveled head, and then appoint someone from that delegation to be vice king, prime minister, or vizier—whatever they want to call him. You, on the other hand, stay in Echo and continue to report for duty. Gurig will rent you some nice room, which will do for your palace. Your subjects will visit you a couple times a year for advice. That’s it. Doesn’t it sound great?”

  “It sure does, but not to me. I’m sorry, Juffin, but I think I’m going to rain on your parade. I don’t want to become a nomads’ king. Uh-uh. No way. Period.”

  “Fine,” said Juffin. “If you say no, then no it is. The show is canceled. It’s too bad, though. It could have been a great thing. And Poor Gurig. He was so hoping you’d be good friends. He says it’s his only chance to have such a companionable fellow king as a colleague. All the other modern monarchs are so bad tempered, and no one knows why.”

  “I know why. My temper would also turn sour if I became a king,” I said. Then I asked Juffin again, just to be sure, “Juffin, you’re not going to force me be a king, are you?”

  “How can I force you do anything? You are a free man. If you don’t want to be a king, you won’t be a king. But if I were you, I’d give it a second thought. If could be a great opportunity, and one of the best jokes of your life, which is not too boring to begin with, I’ll grant you that.”

  “But I’ve decided to quit joking and become as serious as Lonli-Lokli.”

  “Have you really? And what do you think your chances of success will be?”

  “Not too great, I know, but I’ll do my best. Anyway, I think I should have gone home a long time ago.”

  “I think so too. And why are you still here?”

  “Because I’m talking to you, and you are here,” I said. “On top of that, you’re saying such unbelievable things that my head is spinning.”

  “Okay, I’ll stop, then. But if you ever change your mind about the crown—”

  “Never! Well, maybe if I really were a descendant of Fanghaxra’s ancient rulers, I’d consider it. But look at me, I’m nothing but an impostor.”

  “But that’s what’s so great about the whole thing!” said Juffin. “It’s too bad you don’t understand global politics, the grand scheme of things.”

  “You’re right, I don’t,” I said. “Anyway, I’m going home. I’m really sleepy.”

  “Sleepy, huh? Well, well, well. I’d like to see how you’ll manage to get any sleep. I’d be willing to bet you’re not even going home now.”

  “Wherever I’m going, I’m going to sleep there. I don’t have the strength to do anything else. When I get up, I’m going to ask Tekki to cut my hair. You’re right, it’s beginning to look ridiculous.”

  “And you’ll save on a trip to a barbershop,” said Juffin. “Sometimes you can be very practical. All right, off you go, then, Your Majesty.”

  “Hey, quit that. I’m already dreading meeting Melifaro. I still don’t have a snappy comeback.”

  “Don’t bother,” said Juffin. “You’re at your best when you’re speaking impromptu. Don’t rely on canned jokes. You don’t need them—take my word for it.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I said, and sprang down from the window ledge onto the mosaic sidewalk of the Street of Copper Pots. “I’ll improvise, then. Good morning, Juffin.”

  “I’d rather you didn’t jump in and out of this window,” said Juffin. He looked out the window onto the street and shook his head, then looked back at me. “It’s all very well for now, but you should have seen the kinds of spells and curses I applied to make this window absolutely impenetrable. It would be a shame if they did work one day. You know, just like that—out of the blue.”

  “Could that really happen?” I said, unnerved.

  “Anything can happen. Next time don’t be such a show-off unless it’s absolutely necessary, okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, and hurried to my amobiler. I was wiped out.

  Whatever was left of me managed to drive to Tekki’s place, where I stretched my mouth in a pitiful parody of a gentle smile. Then I fell asleep right in the doorway of the bedroom. Poor Tekki rolled my useless body to the far corner of the bed and called it a day.

  Alas, I didn’t get enough sleep. Again.

  “Wake up, Max!”

  The voice sounded familiar. I was half asleep and couldn’t figure out which one of my friends had turned into such an inhumane, relentless monster. I couldn’t believe it.

  “Aw, man,” I groaned, trying to bury my head under the pillow. “I just closed my eyes.”

  “Don’t exaggerate, Nightmare. I just came in, and your eyes had been good and closed for a long time.”

  I managed to open my eyes and stared at Melifaro, who was sitting cross-legged on my blanket, getting ready to shake me.

  “For the love of Nuflin,” I said. “Man, I hate you. What the heck are you doing here?”

  “I live here,” said Melifaro, making a face. “I had a heart-to-heart talk with Tekki and made her put on her glasses. She was finally able to see that I’m much handsomer than you. So, I’m moving in with her. This is my bed now. And you, mister, have to get up and rush over to Juffin’s office.”

  I put my head between my hands, held it there a little while, and realized it wasn’t helping. So I began giving orders.

  “Great. Now, take my Elixir of Kaxar—it’s on the window ledge. Yeah, that’s it. Give it here. I want you to go down and tell Tekki that I’m going to expire if I don’t get a mug of kamra. It’s up to her whether she wants a dead government official of the highest rank in her bedroom or not. Tekki is a smart and prudent girl—I trust her judgment. Then I want you to bring the kamra to me, and wait while I drink it. And then I want you to tell me what you’re doing here. Right now, I can’t make heads or tails of anything.”

  I exhaled, took a big gulp of Elixir of Kaxar, and flopped back on the pillow.

  Melifaro was completely floored by my insolence. He gasped like a fish out of water, looking for a stinging retort. Soon, however, he reconsidered and went back to fetch me my kamra. He probably realized that it was the only way to get me out of bed without resorting to weaponry and violence.

  A few minutes later, Melifaro returned, bringing a tray with kamra. He still looked slightly bewildered.

  “How come there’s only one cup?” I said.

  “You need two?” Melifaro said, surprised. “Wow, your royal ‘we’ seems to have kicked in.”

  “The second cup would be for you. For your information, I’m a hospitable person. You should have thought of that. Or are you the one who just woke up?”

  “Here,” said Tekki, bringing another tray into the bedroom. “Kamra for Sir Melifaro, and other mishmash for chewing and swallowing. He rushed back up before I could make all of this. He has separation anxiety and couldn’t bear not being in your presence.”

  “Oh, I couldn’t even dream of having breakfast in His Majesty’s bedroom,” said Melifaro with the tone of a court sycophant.

  Tekki put the tray down on the blanket and frowned. “I always suspected that sooner or later Sir Max would turn my bedroom into a distant banquet room of the tavern. Looks like I was right. Now bread crumbs will be tickling me tenderly at night. Can’t wait for the thrill. I guess that must be the domestic bliss that all young girls dream about.”

  “You were f
orewarned that I was a monster. Melifaro here warned you many times. He warns everybody. Day and night he runs around screaming, ‘Help! We’ve got a Sir Max on our hands! A true monster!’”

  Melifaro frowned, but Tekki listened to me with unconcealed delight. I knew I had to strike while the iron was hot. I mustered all my charm, assumed a repentant air, rolled my eyes back, and threw my palms heavenward in a martyr-like fashion. Tekki studied my face for a while, laughed, then waved and ran downstairs. And I realized I had finally woken up.

  And that was good news.

  “Okay, what’s going on?”

  “Juffin’s leaving,” said Melifaro, his mouth full.

  I went cold with apprehension. “What do you mean, leaving?”

  Melifaro looked at my face, frozen in horror, and giggled with gloating delight. I concluded that nothing dire had happened and patiently waited for him to stop.

  “Juffin and Shurf are leaving to grapple with the Spirit of Xolomi. For a dozen days or so,” Melifaro said. “I have a feeling that in their absence you will have to take command of what’s left of the Minor Secret Investigative Force. You can use this as an opportunity to testdrive your majestic plural, not to mention your regal responsibilities. That’s going to be quite a show.”

  “Okay, now run that past me one more time,” I said, “only this time, go slowly and start from the very beginning. What happened, what are the consequences, and what are we going to do about it?”

  “Boy, are you a pain in the neck, Max. I don’t know about Juffin, but you sure will do fine as Lonli-Lokli’s replacement,” Melifaro said. “Okay, Magicians be with you, let’s take it from the top. A couple of hours ago, Kamshi, the warden of Xolomi and our longtime friend, sent Juffin a call. He said that the stones of Xolomi had begun to moan. That’s a sure sign that the Spirit of Xolomi is going to be throwing a big party soon. Last time this happened was at the very beginning of the Code Epoch. It caused quite a panic back then. Nobody thought Juffin would manage to calm it down, but eventually he did. Look,Max, you’d better start getting dressed. Juffin asked you to come as soon as you could.”