The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “You’re flattering me.”

  “Me? Whatever gave you that idea? Teasing you, perhaps. But let’s get on with the matter at hand, shall we?”

  “With great pleasure,” I said. I took a few big gulps of kamra and shoved a pastry into my mouth. “So, how long was I there, Juffin? I’m very curious.”

  “You always have a very keen interest in things that don’t matter,” Juffin said. “You were knocking about in that World for almost nine years. But I don’t think time made a mark on you. Take your hair, for example. It didn’t grow much longer, and I’m willing to bet you never made it to a barber. Am I right?”

  “I don’t think I ever passed a barbershop the whole time I was there. But gosh, nine years!” I shook my head. “My inner clock swears it was no more than a year.”

  “Then you’ve got a lousy inner clock, my boy,” said Juffin. “Well, everyone has his faults. I sure am glad that time flows at different paces in different Worlds. Nine years would have been a little too much.”

  “I guess you’re right,” I said. “But at some point I got pretty scared when I thought a few hundred years had passed since I’d left Echo. I almost went crazy with grief. What else did you find out about me?”

  “Everything. Including something you’d forgotten yourself. If you don’t mind, I’ll reveal this for you in small portions, and I won’t start today. What you really need to do now is try not to think about all of this. There are plenty of interesting and exciting things in the World, and you’ll need a great deal of time to reconcile yourself to your own might.”

  “My might?” I said.

  “That’s right. I think I know what you are capable of now, but you don’t have to know it just yet. No need to rush. Unless you’re planning to found a new Order, of course.”

  “I’m not,” I said. “I don’t have time for that. Plus, you know that I’m not an ambitious guy.”

  “That I do know. And I hope you’re going to stay that way.”

  “Juffin,” I said plaintively, “just tell me that I’m all right, and I’ll stop bothering you. I won’t ask you any more questions.”

  “You are all right, indeed, Max. More than all right. In any event, the World you were born in will never try to reclaim you again. So it’s unlikely that you’re going to go through something like that adventure any time soon. Maybe another adventure—but no man can ever know anything beforehand, and you and I are still people, Max. Now, try to busy that disheveled head of yours with other kinds of problems.”

  “As you say,” I said. Then I remembered about my surprise for Juffin and almost yelped from excitement and anticipation.

  “What’s with this cunning glint in your eyes?” Juffin said. “Oh, yes. You said something about miracles and wonders yesterday. They have something to do with that ugly stick of furniture that you brought with you from your homeland, right?”

  “Exactly,” I said, smiling dreamily. “I think I’m going to torture you until tonight, though. This will be my little revenge. You have your secrets, and I have mine.”

  “I think you’re going to give up first,” Juffin said. “I can hold mine in, but I’ll bet your secret will defy you before sunset.”

  “Maybe it will, maybe it won’t,” I said.

  “Time will tell. In any case, I don’t think I’ll have a minute to spare before sunset. While I was busy rummaging through your precious brain, I lost a great deal of time. Let’s go, Max. Today, I’ll let you drive my amobiler. I’ve already warned Kimpa.”

  “I can’t believe it. The old man agreed to entrust me with the cargo of your precious self?”

  “Quite right. I told him this would be in the interests of the Unified Kingdom, and Kimpa, as it turns out, has a keen sense of civic duty.”

  Once I was behind the levers of the amobiler, all metaphysical problems vanished from my poor head. I was enjoying life—and fast driving—to the fullest. Juffin was happy too, I think. The sharp outlines of his face gave way to a peaceful smile every now and then.

  “I think Echo is the most beautiful city in all the Worlds,” I said as I stopped the amobiler by the Ministry of Perfect Public Order. “Even that place I created near Kettari is not quite on par with it.”

  “Don’t speak too soon, Max,” Juffin said. “You haven’t seen Cherxavla yet.”

  “What’s that?”

  “A charmed city on the Uanduk continent, in the heart of the great Red Xmiro Desert. I think you’d like it. Anyway, let’s go in. Are you ready for a long, painful death from suffocation?”

  “Depends on whose arms I’m going to die in. If it’s in Lady Melamori’s arms, I’d be only too happy. Shurf’s or Kofa’s will also do. If it happens to be in the arms of General Boboota, I’d hate it. He’s not my type, to say the least. But I’m sure he missed me, too.”

  We walked through the cool, empty hallways of the Ministry. I enjoyed breathing in the mild, familiar, but very distinctive smell of the walls of the House by the Bridge.

  This idyll was interrupted in the rudest possible manner when something heavy launched into me from behind and gripped me in a headlock. I plummeted to the floor and cried out from the shooting pain in my knee. Out of the corner of my ear I heard Juffin’s laughter, which suggested that it was a well-rehearsed accident.

  “Now you’re my trophy. I’m going to take you home and hang you on the wall, along with the other spoils.” Melifaro was sitting on my chest with the happy air of a victor. “Did I scare you?”

  “What do you think?” I said, smiling from ear to ear. “You also hurt me.”

  “It’s all right. I hurt myself, too.” Melifaro laughed. “A true hero such as yourself could have stayed on his feet.”

  “I could have. But if I had, you wouldn’t have fallen and hurt yourself, which wouldn’t have been half as funny. It’s all right now, though. You know, I expected a bear hug from you, but boy, you totally overdid it.”

  “That was my sweet revenge,” Melifaro said, helping me up. “I wanted you to feel exactly what I felt when I was standing in the doorway to your bedroom. Soon after you left, I remembered the crazy look in your eyes and began to worry. Then Melamori and I decided to take a walk down your trace and make sure you were all right. We followed the trace to your former apartment on the Street of Old Coins, only to see you vanish from under your blanket right before our very eyes. Can you imagine what we felt?”

  “Good golly,” I said. “But I wasn’t exactly sunbathing at the beach all that time, either. Trust me.”

  “Really? Well, that’s a relief. Makes me feel so much better,” Melifaro said.

  “Gentlemen, we have much more comfortable rooms at our disposal here in this building,” said Juffin. “Or do you prefer to stay in the hallway?”

  And we moved to our side of the Ministry.

  “It was very wise of you to decide to return,” said Shurf Lonli-Lokli, getting up from behind the desk in the Hall of Common Labor. “There was something inappropriate in your absence.”

  “Sinning Magicians, Shurf! I couldn’t put it better than that myself. ‘Inappropriate’ is just the word. You are a master of eloquence.”

  “It is the result of subjecting the thought processes to many years of self-discipline. You will get the hang of it in another ninety years or so, I’m sure,” said Lonli-Lokli. Then he smiled and winked at me.

  “Good golly, Shurf! What’s this I hear, irony? Do my ears deceive me?” I said. “Gosh, it’s so great to see you all.”

  “It’s great to see you, too, Max,” said Melamori.

  “No, my dear Melamori. It’s not just ‘great’ to see me. It’s wonderful.”

  “I have to say that we were a little bored here without you,” said Juffin. “But let me tell you something, lad. You’re going to have to treat us all to a good lunch at your own expense. I can’t let you put dents in the Treasury anymore. After we paid the sculptors you hired, Sir Dondi Melixis kept giving me meaningful looks for at least a dozen days. Ma
ybe after lunch we’ll be magnanimous enough to forgive you the irreparable blow to our nervous systems.”

  “I’ve always known that I’d never be a rich man,” I said. “And now I have to stuff your bottomless bellies, in addition to my own. Speaking of bottomless bellies, where’s Sir Kofa?”

  “Our Master Eavesdropper-Gobbler has already reserved a table for us at the Glutton and has been waiting there since yesterday evening,” Melifaro said with a laugh.

  “Then let’s go,” I said. “Who am I to make Sir Kofa Yox wait?”

  When we were leaving we ran into Lookfi.

  “Sir Max, what a surprise!” he said. “I haven’t seen you in a few days. Have you been sick with a bad cold or something?”

  “Or something,” I said, bewildered. Sometimes all the wonders of the Universe paled in comparison with Sir Lookfi Pence’s absentmindedness.

  Then I felt I had entered the sweetest dream of a hopelessly lonely wishful thinker. Even better. The taste of Madam Zizinda’s half-forgotten house specials, combined with the faces and voices of people I had almost lost, and then found again . . . I felt I was dreaming, but that it was a good dream. And that the dream was right. It had nothing in common with the dangerous dream I had had for nine years—or forty-nine days, depending on who was counting.

  We returned to the House by the Bridge and Sir Juffin Hully dragged me to the reception desk, where a blue-eyed young man in a rich, dark-green looxi was sitting. The stranger studied me carefully, his blue eyes shining from underneath his black turban. His stare felt even heavier than that of Sir Juffin himself.

  “Max, I’d like you to meet Sir Nanka Yok, Grand Magician of the Order of the Long Path,” said Juffin. “I told you about him yesterday.”

  “Do I look a little too young?” the stranger said with a smile, contemplating my bedazzled face. “I already see the downsides of my new countenance. No one wants to take me seriously.”

  “In my book, that’s more an advantage than a downside,” I said. “It’s even better when nobody takes you seriously. No one gets in your way.”

  “Perhaps you’re right,” the Grand Magician said. “Yet it is difficult for me to get used to my new circumstances. In my former life, before I took my people to look for power along the paths of the dead, everyone took me seriously. Very seriously, indeed.”

  “Well,” I said, “ever since it was mandatory for me to wear the Mantle of Death, everybody’s been taking me seriously, too. But it doesn’t offer any comfort or facilitate inner peace. If anything, it’s the other way around.”

  “Ah, a true conflict of Epochs,” said Juffin. “So quaint. I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you, however, Sir Nanka. Nuflin Moni Mak, Grand Magician of the Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover, takes you very seriously, and it may come with a few provisos. Yesterday morning I talked to him about you. Nuflin is prepared to offer you and your people all you need to lead a comfortable existence, even more than that. But under one condition: you must stay away from Uguland.”

  “We weren’t going to stay here, anyway,” said Magician Nanka with a cold smile. “We don’t need the powers of the Heart of the World, Sir Hully, as I have already told you. Furthermore, we have a vested interest in maintaining the balance of the World. We like to be alive, and we are going to stay that way for a long time. We really don’t have a preference in terms of our habitat.”

  “The Order of the Seven-Leaf Clover is prepared to offer you some of its lands in Gugland,” Juffin said.

  “On the other side of the bay, naturally. Well, I guess we’ll have to make do with the lousy Irrashi kamra, then. That’s all right, though. I’ve been in worse situations. Your Grand Magician Nuflin is truly a master of precaution. It’s amusing to see how much this World has changed.”

  “It has changed, indeed,” Juffin said. “But you said it didn’t matter to you where you lived, if I understood you correctly. Sir Max, you’re in charge of this matter now. Magician Nanka’s people may stay in Echo for another dozen days. If, however, they don’t leave the Capital after this period—”

  “We intend to leave tomorrow,” Nanka Yok said. “Don’t try to scare me, Sir Hully. That is completely unnecessary. We are not planning to wage war with anyone. We are going our own way.”

  “I wasn’t trying to scare you. I’m simply offloading some of my responsibilities onto Sir Max. I apologize that I’m doing this in your presence.”

  “No need to pretend,” said Nanka, smiling at both of us with a radiant, friendly smile. “Your logic is very transparent. You want me to know that the man my people consider the most dangerous person in the city is going to oversee our departure from Echo. I would have done the same, if I were you. But I assure you, there is no need to worry about us. Do you think one can return from a trip like ours and still be interested in such petty things as nominal power?”

  “One never knows,” said Juffin. “My job is to warn you.”

  “Your job, you say? I know what your job is,” said Nanka Yok, narrowing his eyes slyly. “Your organization resembles some sinister Order much more than it does the police, or even the Secret Police.”

  “We’re not sinister,” I said. “We’re very harmless folks.”

  “Harmless you say, Sir Max?” said Nanka Yok. “By the way, I must thank you for not leveling your full power against us. I must confess there was a moment when I thought the immortality we had acquired along the paths of the dead would be torn away from our weak hands. Your Lethal Spheres—I’ve never seen anything like them before. If you had truly wanted to get rid of us forever, you could have done so. We are lucky that you are not really fond of killing. Every time you experienced a momentary doubt, it left us a slim chance.”

  “Silly me,” I said. “I went on a trip for holy water, even though I was a hair’s breadth away from defeating you. But I’m glad that you’re all right now.”

  “Your idea of turning us into sculptures was simply marvelous,” Nanka Yok said. “It saved the lives of my people. But if we had been the undead, we really wouldn’t have been able to hurt the citizens of Echo. I must say, I was worried that my people were going to wear their stone clothes forever. That strange new formula turned out to be very strong. I thought they might have to stay like that until Sir Hully returned. That would have been extremely dire. Even thought we are immortal, we can still suffocate.”

  “Jiminy!” I was horrified. “How did you manage to get out?”

  “With the help of one kind man. What was his name again, Sir Hully?”

  “It was no other than Sir Lukari Bobon, our Lookfi’s uncle,” said Juffin.

  “The cemetery guard?” I said.

  “Not the guard. He’s an undertaker. Thank goodness he can’t hear you, or you would have gained a mortal enemy. Anyway, he happened to possess a very useful secret: a formula that destroys liquid stone. It comes in handy in his line of work.”

  “So he and Lookfi finally made up?” I said.

  “Yes. Their reconciliation lasted for two days, and then they had another fight over something. I believe it was over the family property.”

  “I can’t imagine Sir Lookfi Pence fighting with someone.”

  “Anyone would fight with Sir Lukari Bobon,” Juffin said. “He’s a very hotheaded gentlemen.”

  Grand Magician Nanka Yok must have been a little bored with our conversation. In any case, I wasn’t surprised when he got up to say goodbye.

  “We’re leaving tomorrow,” he said. “Gugland sounds as good as any other place. It really doesn’t matter. I believe we’ll meet again someday. Secret paths never cross just once.”

  “I hope that it won’t be the worst event in our lives,” said Juffin.

  “Goodbye, Sir Nanka,” I said. “I’m glad that I didn’t do my job very well.”

  When Grand Magician Nanka Yok left the reception room, Sir Juffin Hully said to me, “I would still like you to keep an eye on them. Make sure they leave tomorrow. I don’t think they’re going to make a
ny trouble—they have more important things to worry about now—but you never know with Grand Magicians.”

  “Especially the ancient immortal ones,” I said.

  The rest of the day, Sir Juffin Hully was on pins and needles. I had been ready to crack and divulge the secret of the “ugly stick of furniture” long before dusk. But the boss kept getting sidetracked by all kinds of problems. I spent the day wandering aimlessly around the Ministry, going from room to room with an expression of happy torpor on my face, as though I were just visiting.

  Finally, Juffin dashed out of his office. On his way out, he explained something about “pressing matters” to a gentleman whose looxi signified that he belonged to the Royal Court.

  “Let’s go, Max,” he said, yanking the fold of my Mantle of Death so hard that I had to run after him if I wanted to keep my clothes on.

  “What happened?” I said when we were outside.

  “What happened? We’re going over to your place to investigate your new ‘miracle.’ The sun set a long time ago, by the way.”

  “Oh, I see,” I said. “And I thought you had some ‘pressing matters’ to attend to.”

  “This is my pressing matter. Don’t worry, boy. I had to get rid of that bureaucrat somehow. Come on, let’s go.”

  I didn’t fret a single bit when we were going up to my bedroom on the Street of Old Coins. My trust in Sir Juffin’s power was limitless. Frankly, some of the other people I had become acquainted with—Sir Maba Kalox, or Sir Mackie Ainti, the old sheriff of Kettari—were probably much older, more experienced, and more powerful than my boss. But Juffin—the man who had had the crazy notion to transport me from one World to another, and who had thrown me mercilessly into a bog of wonders—had forever become the mean average between the Almighty and a kind uncle. In his company, I was prepared to go anywhere in this World or the next.

  “What’s this, Max? Where did you get the hat of King Mynin?” said Juffin, surprised.