The Stranger's Woes

by Max Frei

  “I was just thinking about what a fool I was,” I said when I had laughed myself out. “I got scared at your suggestion that I play an unfamiliar game with rules I didn’t know, and then I ended up playing a dozen unfamiliar games with almost no rules whatsoever.”

  “Are you saying that you may change your mind?” said Juffin, raising his eyebrows. “That’s news to me! Are you getting wiser?”

  “I’m not sure,” I said. “Maybe I’ll change my mind, maybe I won’t. It all depends on what I think of His Majesty’s ‘clever plan.’ Anyway, I used to be against any games of this sort, but now . . . In short, I’d like to familiarize myself with the rules of the game before making a decision.”

  “Goodness me, Max!” said Juffin. “You’ve grown up fast. Excellent. Meet me at the Ministry tomorrow morning, then.”

  “At the Ministry?” I said. “Are you sure you don’t mean to say the Street of Old Coins?”

  “I say what I mean. In the morning, I won’t have much time for anything. Kofa brought me a whole bunch of counterfeiters. Black Magic of the seventy-second degree—only to get hold of a couple of bags of crowns. Can you believe it? I have to have a heart-to-heart talk with them. As for the Street of Old Coins, I’m on my way there now. I’m going to watch more cartoons. Maybe I’ll learn a couple of new tricks.”

  “You’re going to need them,” I said. “The counterfeiters will be ecstatic when you start smashing their heads with your hammer.”

  “I left the hammer way behind. Another excellent thing has captured my fancy now. I believe it’s called dynamite. Unfortunately, that trick is way too destructive. I’ve been thinking about a way of eliminating the dangerous aspects while retaining the special effects. Good night, guys.”

  Juffin jumped down from the barstool, looked around to make sure that we were alone in the tavern, and turned himself into a striped ball that bounced all the way to the ceiling, then disappeared.

  “Looks like I got a bit carried away choosing the videos,” I said to Tekki. “I should have foreseen what Tom and Jerry would lead to.”

  “You’re right,” she said. “But I like him that way.”

  “I do, too. Let’s go for a walk and have breakfast while we’re at it. No need to stay here since Juffin has scared off the rest of clientele that I wanted to scare off myself.”

  “At sunset, normal people usually have dinner,” said Tekki, laughing.

  The next day, Juffin and I went to visit His Majesty King Gurig VIII in Rulx Castle, where he had retreated at the first gust of chilly autumn wind. The Winter Palace had its own rules. In particular, when we went in we had to put on loose capes made from thin metal mesh.

  “This is supposed to symbolize being captured,” said Juffin. “Before the Code Epoch, however, these meshes were far from symbolic. Granted, Rulx Castle had a great number of other traps, as well. The times demanded it.”

  “You know,” I said, shuddering, “I have a feeling that those traps still exist. Maybe they’re just asleep and dreaming, but it’s only for now. I’m almost certain they’re sniffing the air and checking me out.”

  Juffin nodded. It wasn’t clear whether he was agreeing with me or just surprised at my fancy.

  We climbed onto the palanquins, and the bearers took us to the Royal Reception Hall.

  His Majesty King Gurig VIII came out to greet us only a few seconds later. After the ceremonial exchange about the weather (which we all found quite agreeable), the king pointed at a small table crammed full of jugs and some dishes. He looked very proud.

  “Not too long ago, gentlemen, I won a resounding victory over my Master of Ceremonies. The old man retired. The new Master of Ceremonies, praise be the Magicians, is not so stubborn as to deny his king the right to serve food to his guests wherever he wishes, be it the Reception Hall or the bathroom. I am very happy. The Dining Hall is not the coziest room in the castle. I personally cannot bring myself to partake of food there.”

  “Never a truer word spoken, Your Majesty,” Juffin said with the tone of an expert. “Every time I’m in there I feel I’m about to drink a cup of someone’s blood.”

  “Yes, the blood of some rebellious but appetizing vassal,” said the king. “I suspect that it was quite customary among my illustrious ancestors.”

  Gurig VIII finally looked at me and winked slyly.

  “Well, Sir Max, are you ready to become my colleague? Juffin warned me that you would put up resistance.”

  “To the last drop of my blood,” I said, laughing. “Tell me what you have in mind. Sir Juffin told me you had some clever plan.”

  “A plan is a plan,” said the king. “We will tell those nice people that you agree to become their king, but matters of the utmost importance do not allow you to leave Echo. Thus, you are to reign over them in absentia, as it were, while remaining in the Capital of the Unified Kingdom. Your goodhearted but ignorant compatriots will put a crown on your head and go back home completely happy. Naturally, you will have to have a castle of some kind where you will receive their representatives, but that will be my concern. I thought that if you should agree, my Furry House would be at your disposal.”

  “The former library of the Royal University?” Juffin said. “It’s a good place, Max. You’re going to like it.”

  “This is all hunky-dory, but how am I supposed to rule them?” I said. “Over the course of my life I have mastered a few professions, but being king is not one of them.”

  “Oh, do not be concerned, Sir Max. You will not have to fill your head with such trifles. Your subjects will be far away from you, along with their problems. As I understand it, they will be sending their messengers to you, as none of them has mastered Silent Speech. My employees will write your ‘Royal Decrees’ for you—after all, it’s their job. That is all. Well, perhaps you’ll need to survive a few exhausting receptions. They don’t happen very often, however. Otherwise I would have followed my poor father and met the Dark Magicians already. Last but not least, this game should be over very soon. I hope it will not bore you. I expect it to end in about two years’ time.”

  “How exactly will it end?” I said.

  “It’s quite simple. You will announce that you have become weary of your royal duties and will transfer your lands to my care. Thus, the Barren Lands, that thorn in my side, will become another province of the Unified Kingdom. This is far more humane than allowing County Vook to wage war against those poor souls. The old Dark Sack would wreak such havoc over there that the Barren Lands would, indeed, become barren. With your help, however, this operation can be a completely painless one. I assure you that it will benefit your countrymen.”

  “I have no doubt that what is good for me will be good for them,” I said. “And I am fully satisfied with being a subject of the Unified Kingdom.”

  “I am happy to hear that someone is fully satisfied with it,” said the king, laughing “Certain people love to indulge in jeremiads.”

  “Well, I’m just a simple and naïve barbarian from the Borderlands,” I said. “I don’t even know what jer-e-mi-ads are. Must be some Capital City trick.”

  When I left the Royal Reception Hall I was almost a king.

  “I can just imagine what Melifaro will do when he finds out,” I said to Juffin. “He’ll just explode with mirth.”

  “You should be happy if he explodes. Otherwise, you’ll have to have a lot of patience.”

  “True that. Listen, Juffin, what does His Majesty want with those Barren Lands? There’s hardly anything there but my subjects’ yurts and their famous horse dung. Or am I completely clueless about imperial politics?”

  “You are,” said Juffin. “Okay, here’s Political Geography 101 for beginning monarchs. Have a look at this.”

  He produced a small World map, embroidered on a piece of leather, from the pocket of his looxi.

  “The Barren Lands separate the Unified Kingdom from the friendly County Xotta. Its rulers are dying to become loyal vassals of His Majesty King Gurig VI
II. I think they’re simply tired of wars with Kebla Principality—they’ve been fighting for about eight hundred years now, and it doesn’t look like they’re going to stop any time soon. A province like County Xotta would be a desirable jewel in the crown of any empire. His Majesty, if he had his way, would love to reign over the entire continent, and then some. Just to outdo his late father.”

  “That’s right. I read once that the offspring of celebrities always have complexes like that. I hope His Majesty doesn’t begin to enjoy this too much. I’ll have to hop from one throne to the next for the rest of my life, or until there are just three of us left: His Majesty King Gurig, myself, and the Conqueror of Arvarox. And I don’t think I’ll be sitting on his throne anytime soon.”

  “You never know, maybe you will. Do you want to look at your would-be castle?” Juffin said when I was behind the levers of the amobiler.

  “The Furry House? Sure. By the way, why is it called that?”

  “Because it is a furry house. You’ll see.”

  The former library of the Royal University was located in the Old City right between the University building and the editorial offices of the Royal Voice.

  “Great, now Sir Rogro and I will be neighbors,” I said.

  When I saw the tall building I smiled: it was covered from top to bottom with a coniferous vine. This must be Echo ivy! Only the windows and the very top of the pointy roof could be seen under the thick layer of furry growth.

  “This ivy will look great in combination with the stubble on your chin,” said Juffin. “You were made for each other. Well, how do you like it?”

  “I like it very much. It looks much cozier than Rulx Castle.”

  “Of course it does. For centuries, this building was occupied by very nice students along with their very nice tutors, and dozens of generations of royal ancestors, which you never had to begin with.”

  “Magicians forbid! What’s in this building now?”

  “This was once a library, but it was closed long ago. So there’s really nothing in it now.”

  “And the books, what happened to them?”

  “Well, maybe there are a few of them left. Some decrepit ancient folios and other old junk.”

  “Remind me to ask that they not be taken away. I’ve always wanted to have my own collection of rare antique books.”

  “And now you have them,” said Juffin. “Okay, you can make yourself comfortable here if you wish. I have to go back to the Ministry. Does Your Majesty remember that he must be at work tonight?”

  “His Majesty does remember this unfortunate fact,” I said. “When I’m king, I’m going to send you my ministers and have them work for the good and prosperity of the Unified Kingdom. Oh, and tell Melifaro to take it easy, or I’ll forbid him to watch cartoons until the end of the year.”

  “I think his personal favorites are your silly movies about policemen,” said Juffin. “He tries to guess how they will end. The sooner he can guess, the happier he seems to be. I think his latest record was a minute and a half after the movie began.”

  “Well, I’ll be!” I said. “Looks like the boy is not a lost cause after all.”

  Juffin was gone and I was left standing on the threshold of my future royal residence. Praise be the Magicians, this political intrigue now seemed silly and ridiculous to me. Which it was.

  I really liked the Furry House. In time, I thought, I can turn it into a very nice, if capacious, abode.

  I roamed the empty rooms of the former library, walked up to the third floor, and then entered a small watchtower. It smelled of dampness and dust, so I flung open the window. The fresh wind from the Xuron will only do a place like this good, I thought.

  I looked out the window and shook my head in astonishment. It overlooked Echo, and the view was simply dazzling. The Furry House was one of the tallest buildings in the city.

  I sat on the window ledge and looked down on the mosaic pavements of Echo and the silver ribbon of the cold Xuron. The beautiful magic city from my childhood dreams was real, and had become the geographical center of my new life. I had once lost it, and then found it again, only to realize for a second time how incredibly lucky I was. I felt I owed a debt of gratitude to the unfathomable powers that ruled over my destiny.

  I decided that I should thank them. Right that very moment. It’s best not to postpone such things. I leaned out the window as far as I could without falling and screamed “Thank you” at the top of my lungs, addressing it to the heavens, where, according to popular belief, those hypothetical “forces” reside. Having shouted to my heart’s content, I sneezed a loud sneeze and then, relieved, laughed at this unexpected finale.

  “That’s right, buddy,” I said to myself out loud. “Keep the pathos down.”

  Also by Max Frei from Gollancz:

  The Stranger

  A Gollancz eBook

  Original text copyright © Max Frei 2003

  English translation copyright © Polly Gannon and Ast A. Moore 2011

  All rights reserved

  The right of Max Frei to be identified as the author of this work, and the right of Polly Gannon and Ast A. Moore to be identified as the translators of this work, has been asserted by them in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  First published in Great Britain in 2011 by

  Gollancz

  The Orion Publishing Group Ltd

  Orion House

  5 Upper St Martin’s Lane

  London WC2H 9EA

  An Hachette UK Company

  This eBook first published in 2011 by Gollancz.

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  ISBN 978 0 575 08981 5

  All characters and events in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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