If I had to choose between Sophie and anyone else in the world I would always choose Sophie. I sighed and rested my forehead against hers. “Tomorrow, me and you. No interruptions.”
“Okay, Hudson. It’s a date. Now go on. Don’t keep him waiting.”
I kissed her, and got maybe five feet away when she called out to me.
“Charlie!”
Turning around, I said, “Miss me already?”
She smiled and then it faltered a fraction. “The sky is the soul of the Earth.”
“What?”
“If I had to describe the sky in one sentence,” she said, “that’s what I would say because that’s how you painted it for me. That’s art – giving life to something, whether you use paint or words.” She fidgeted with the hem of her sweater. “I just wanted to tell you that I could picture it.” She tapped her temple. “Right here.” And then she tapped her chest. “And here.”
She turned and walked up the porch steps. “See you tomorrow, Charlie.”
She slipped inside and I stood there and waited for her bedroom light to come on before I walked away. I put my hands in my pockets and started up the street.
See you tomorrow, Sophie.
~ London Grammar
Strong
I sat in my truck across the street from the café and thought about all that had happened in the last couple of months. Through the windows, I could see Sophie working, laughing with Elizabeth and conversing with her customers.
The holidays had come and gone and I’d spent them with Sophie and her parents. For Christmas, I had given Sophie a book my mother had kept of famous quotes and poems. Words that she had read over the years that had influenced her in some way, and as a tribute, she had copied them down and passed it on to me. I don’t know why I had given it to Sophie. I suppose it was me wanting to share my mother with the woman I’d given my heart to. They would never meet but giving Sophie the book felt like a form of introduction into the heart and mind of my mom.
Sophie had stared at the book when she opened it, and after I had told her what it was, she held it in her hands like it was the most precious thing she had ever touched. I knew then that I had done the right thing and it would be in good hands.
She had given me a present, too. A painting of the sky… like the one I had described to her, only a better version of it. The majority of the painting was dark with breaks of light shining in between the cracks. It was ominous and hopeful, devilish and angelic, fearful and fearless.
It was perfect.
On New Year’s Eve, I’d taken Sophie dancing to a swanky place in the city. She most liked swing dancing, and I liked swinging her around. I wore my uniform and she wore a pale pink dress that showed more leg than her usual dresses. I wasn’t complaining either. Her shoes were red and she wore her hair down in soft, silky waves, pinned away from her face on one side. She was a picture of perfection.
Sophie and I danced the Lindy Hop to a live band on stage. And at one point there was a Jitterbug contest. My chest swelled just thinking about how much Sophie smiled while we tried to out dance all the others. She beamed like the moon and it was magnificent. We didn’t win, but I didn’t much care. All that mattered to me was having fun with Sophie, and that night will always be one of my favorite memories. At the stroke of midnight, I kissed her long and deep, and I’d made a wish on that kiss that the coming year would be everything we needed it to be.
Now, here we were with the holidays behind us, a new year beginning, and I wasn’t going to be able to share it with her.
White knuckling the steering wheel, I thought back on the promises I’d made to Sophie, in front of her parents no less. I’d promised her that I wouldn’t leave, that I was staying here. My intentions were honest. I really did believe that. However, life throws punches, and sadly I got hit with a pretty hard one.
I didn’t want to tell her. Hell, I’d already delayed telling her as long as I could. It already felt like I was lying to her, and lying to Sophie was something I vowed I would never do. That vow is something nothing or no one could ever make me break. Although, I’d also promised I would never break her heart and what I had to tell her most definitely would.
When that thought came to me a wave of anger and rage billowed in my gut and spilled over like a volcanic eruption. I pounded the steering wheel hard with my fists repeatedly, cursing myself, certain I had made the wrong decision.
I had gone back on my word. And it would crush her.
Even worse, I couldn’t undo it.
I rested my head on the wheel, begging myself to get it together. I had to hold it together.
I counted to ten – then twenty – then thirty. Little by little my breathing evened out. I looked again through the café windows and allowed Sophie’s smile to take hold of my brokenness and patch it up, if only for a while. Only one of us was allowed to crumble and it couldn’t be me.
Climbing out of the truck, I crossed the street. Feigning bravery I didn’t own, I opened the door to the café. The bell overhead sounded cheery and for half a second I wanted to rip it off the door and smash it to the ground, along with all of its mockery.
I might have done exactly that if I hadn’t caught Sophie’s eyes first and every brutal thought I’d had vanished. When she smiled at me there was nothing I could do but smile in return. Her smiles were contagious. They seeped into your skin, made their way into your bloodstream until they became a part of you, and consumed you. The choice to smile back wasn’t even yours to make.
Briefly, my mind drifted to when it all started to change, and it began the day I’d met Peterson for a few beers. I was relieved when he didn’t want to talk about the war any more than I wanted to hear about it, so when we small talked our way around each other, never hitting on anything too personal, I was grateful for the camaraderie. Until I got ready to leave. I’d slapped him on the shoulder, shook his hand, and he’d pulled me into a hug.
“It was good seeing you, Charles.” His voice sounded off, wounded even.
A wave of guilt settled over me like a dark cloud. He would be going back to a war zone and I had made it so that I wouldn’t be. I couldn’t even look him in the eye.
“Yeah,” I said. “You too.” I cleared my throat. “We should do this again.” I patted his shoulder once more and made my way around him, heading for the door.
“You were the best pilot we had,” he called out, causing me to pause. “I learned a lot from you. You should know that.”
I looked over my shoulder. His body was stiff and I couldn’t read his expression. Most likely because he didn’t want me to know what he was thinking.
“Tell the guys…” I trailed off, trying to summon the words I wanted to say, and tried again. “Tell the guys…”
I smacked the palm of my hand against the wall out of frustration because I couldn’t get the words to come.
“I got you,” Peterson said, understanding laced underneath his words, or perhaps I was only hoping he understood. “I’ll tell them.”
I nodded once, keeping my head down, and left Peterson standing there, never knowing if that would be the last time I’d ever see him.
“So thoughtful,” Sophie said, angling her head to the side. “What’s on your mind?”
Realizing that I was still standing in the doorway, I took her hand and moved out of the way. “Are you off work yet?” I asked.
“I got another fifteen minutes. Wanna wait for me in your usual spot?”
“Of course.”
“Hey,” she said as I was about to take my seat. She walked towards me, her eyebrows pulled tight. “You okay?”
I touched her cheek, hoping that would fix the worry lines on her face. “Tough day,” I said softly. “I’m fine.”
“You sure that’s all it is?”
“Sophie! Order up, table three!” someone from the kitchen shouted.
“Go on,” I said. “I’ll wait for you right here.”
“All right,” she said,
still looking uncertain. “Would you like something to drink while you wait?”
I slid into the booth. “Nah, I’m good.” I reached for the newspaper that someone had left on the table. “I’ll just read until you’re ready to go.”
Once Sophie left to take care of her table, I attempted to read the paper, but my mind wasn’t having it. Giving up, I stared off in the distance, not seeing anything before me, and replayed the conversation I’d had with Colonel Jacobs right before Thanksgiving.
I was doing my job, the one that required I handle the logistics of getting pilots where they needed to be. It had been fairly quiet and getting close to lunch time, and I was preparing to take a quick break when Colonel Jacobs requested to see me. It felt a bit like being called into the principal’s office. Although I knew I had done nothing wrong, it was still an odd feeling when a superior officer asked to see you. When I entered his office he instructed me to close the door.
Colonel Jacobs was a man known for his candor, and he wasted no time with pleasantries. “Captain Hudson, the reason I called you in here is because I have a favor to ask.”
“A favor, sir?”
He gestured for me to sit, which I did. He clasped his hands together over his desk and leaned forward. “Are you familiar with photo reconnaissance?”
“No, sir.”
“The Royal Air Force has had a lot of success flying over enemy territory taking photographs of potential targets. The film the pilots bring back is developed and studied by a team of skilled intelligence analysts. The methodical identification of targets using those photographs has made bombing raids more successful. Earlier this year, our allies took out a secret weapons production facility which they wouldn’t have known about without those pictures.”
“I wasn’t aware of that, sir.”
“Most people aren’t.”
“That’s good news,” I said, impressed with the reconnaissance operation.
“Yes, it is.” He stood, moved to the window and stared out, collecting his thoughts, I presumed.
I waited for him to continue and when he didn’t I interrupted the silence. “Sir, you said you had a favor to ask?”
Colonel Jacobs stood up straighter and placed his arms behind his back while he continued to stare out the window. “The pilots who take on these missions are an elite group who fly solo, headlong behind enemy lines, with no fighter escorts. They fly Spitfires that are outfitted with cameras and stripped of any unnecessary equipment, including weapons and radios, to reduce its weight. A few more modifications are made to make it more aerodynamic and fuel tanks are added to increase distance. After all is said and done the pilots are left with speed, altitude, maneuverability, and not much else.” Turning to me, he said, “We need pilots with skill who can work within these perimeters, find their target, complete their mission, return to base, and do it with only a compass and a map.”
I thought perhaps he needed my help in providing logistical assistance for the pilots taking on these type missions. Getting out a small pad I kept in my pocket and a pencil, I was prepared to take notes.
“What can I do to help, sir?”
“Volunteer to fly recon.”
I looked up sharply. “Sir?”
“You’re one of the best pilots we have and we need the best of the best.”
I leaned back in my chair, letting that information sink in. “Sir, I haven’t flown a mission in months. I–”
“Did you forget how to fly?”
“No, sir, it’s not that. I just–”
“You just what?”
I stood abruptly and paced around in a circle, gripping the back of my neck, all the while remembering my promise to Sophie that I wouldn’t leave.
“You would be promoted, of course,” he said. “To Major.” He picked up a file and opened it. “You’ve had thirty-four kills, with several more shared. You’ve moved up the ranks quickly, Captain. You’ve excelled at every task. Since you’ve been heading up combat crew replacement things have never run more smoothly.” He dropped the folder on his desk. “Bottom line is you’ve done your part and we couldn’t ask any more from you.”
I stopped pacing and dropped my hands. “But you are, aren’t you, Colonel?”
Coming from behind his desk, he approached me. When he got within a couple of feet he stopped. “Charles, we need you. Your country needs you. You’re too damn good to be sitting behind a desk. I’m asking you to think about it. I’ll give you the holidays to think it over and then I need your answer by the first of January.”
We stared at each other, neither one of us speaking. After a couple of minutes, I said, “Is that all, sir?”
“That’s all, Captain.”
I saluted him while my head and my heart waged its own war within me.
When I stepped through the threshold of his office door the Colonel said, “This war will be won because of men like you.”
“Okay, I am officially all yours,” Sophie said, snapping me back to the present. “What would you like to do?”
I stood and took her by the hand. “I’d like to ride out to the lake. Perhaps watch the sun set.” Then I leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips.
“Okay,” she said. “But only if you tell me why you look so glum.”
“Do I?”
“A bit, yes.”
“I told you…tough day. Come on,” I said, “I’m breaking you out of this joint.”
The truth was, while it had been a tough day, it had also been a tough couple of months because I had a lot to think about during that time. So much had been weighing me down.
I helped her with her coat and held out my arm, letting her hand slip inside until it rested on my bicep. Cold air hit us in the face the minute we stepped outside, a blanket of snow covering the ground.
We were driving to the lake and I knew that by the end of this night things would be remarkably different between us. However, like the painting, I was hopeful, yet there was an ominous presence in the air. The worst part was I was the reason for it, the cause for the oppression that surrounded us as we drove in silence.
Sophie had stopped asking what was wrong. She watched me with curious eyes. The weight of her stare had me coiled so tight my jaws ached from trying to hold everything together. I was prepared to tell her everything once I got her to the lake. Part of me was eager to free myself of what I had been keeping from her, and another part of me wanted to bury it so deeply, hide it from her so she would never have to know what I had agreed to do.
That I had volunteered.
~ Adele
Love in the Dark
We never made it to the lake. I couldn’t take the silence any longer. Charlie wasn’t acting himself. He wouldn’t even look at me.
“Pull over,” I said. He didn’t. He kept driving like I’d never said a word. Something was definitely wrong. Louder this time, I repeated with more authority, “Pull over right now!”
He skidded into a dirt patch on the side of the road and when the truck came to a complete stop my heart thumped widely inside my chest.
“What is going on with you?” I asked.
He closed his eyes like he was trying to shut out the world and his throat bobbed nervously. “There’s something I need to tell you.”
My stomach churned with acid. “Tell me what?”
He raked trembling hands over his face and then brought them down to his lap where he proceeded to rub his palms over his thighs. “I’m terrified,” he said.
“Of what?”
“Of what the next few minutes holds.”
“You’re scaring me, Charlie.”
Something torturous and stormy brewed in his eyes. He jerked open his door, stared up at the sky, and with fists to his temples, he….screamed. It was the sound of pure pain unleashing itself into the universe.
I jumped out of the truck and took hesitant steps towards him. “Charlie, you’re scaring me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
We had missed the sunset and
now it was nearly dark. The headlights from Charlie’s truck lit up his face. Agony was the only emotion I could read, but it was his words that caused my world to shift beneath my feet.
“I’m leaving.”
What happened next was a blur because my childhood ghosts slipped back in uninvited and haunted my present.
Daddy got down on one knee in front of me, my suitcase beside me. “Sophie, honey, I’m leaving. You’ll stay with your aunt and uncle for a while. They’ll take care of you.”
I clutched the doll in my arms, looking behind me at two people I didn’t know. “I wanna stay with you, Daddy.”
His eyes held storms as he swiped his hands up and down over my arms. “I’ll come back for you. Okay?”
“No!” I tried to latch onto him, but he straightened his arms and held me back. “Stop!”
“Listen to me, Sophie, I can’t stay and you can’t follow. It’s only for a little while and I swear I’ll come back for you.”
“No! You’re not leaving me here!”
Hands I didn’t know gently touched my shoulder. “If you’re going to go, then go, Andrew. And don’t make promises to her you can’t keep.”
Daddy’s eyes darted to the man talking. “Stay out of this.”
“I’m already in it,” the man said.
“Come here, honey,” said the lady. “I made some chocolate chip cookies. Would you like one, dear?”
I didn’t want a stupid cookie. “Daddy,” I croaked, “don’t leave. I’ll be good. I promise.”
“I’m trying to do the right thing here, Sophie. I can’t take you with me. You need…” My dad stood and looked down at me. “You need to stay here. Be my good girl and do what I say, okay?”
I lurched forward and held onto his leg. “What did I do? I promise whatever I did, I didn’t mean it. I love you, Daddy. Don’t go!”
He pulled me off his leg and knelt down in front of me again. “You didn’t do anything, Sophie. That’s not why I’m leaving.”
Wiping my face, I sobbed, “Then w-why are y-you leaving?”
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