He wiped my tears with his thumb. “One day you’ll understand.” He looked up and said to the man and woman who still lingered behind me. “Please take care of her.”
“Of course we’ll take care of her,” the woman said in the softest voice I’d ever heard.
“We’ll give her everything she needs,” the man told my father. “Everything she deserves.”
Daddy stood. “I love you, Sophie. Be good for Daddy. I’ll be back soon. I promise.”
He ran to his car like he was escaping something. I started to chase after him, but the man stopped me, holding me back. “Let me go!” I said, struggling. “Daddy!” I yelled, watching in horror and disbelief as his car pulled away from the curb and sped off down the street, his taillights disappearing around the corner.
For a brief moment, quiet fell around us and hovered with a thick presence. I blinked once…twice…three times. That’s when reality set in.
He left me.
I fell to my knees and sobs ripped from my throat, taking pieces of my heart with them. It was a while before I could catch my breath. And when I did, I only had enough air for two little words.
“Come back.”
I’d been in this storm before. It was all too familiar. I knew the script so he didn’t even have to say the words. I just needed to know one thing. I waited for his eyes to find mine and asked only one question. “When?”
He hung his head. “I leave for Europe tomorrow.”
Tomorrow? Tears stung my eyes, my soul splintering like ice on a frozen lake. “How long have you known?” I asked with more air than voice.
“Sophie, I–”
“How long, Charlie?” He moved one step towards me. I moved two steps back.
“Let me explain,” he said, his eyes pleading with mine.
“How long?”
“A month.”
“You’ve known you were being shipped off to war for a month? And you didn’t think to tell me?” I began to pace. “Why you? Why are they sending you? Haven’t you already fulfilled your duty?” Seething rage coursed through my veins. “My God, last time you came back with a busted leg that took three surgeries to repair! This time you may not come home at all!”
“I volunteered to go,” he whispered.
I stumbled on my feet. “What did you say?” My head was spinning, the air whooshing out of me, my lungs struggling to get it back.
I couldn’t breathe.
The next thing I knew Charlie had me lying on my back kissing my face while chanting nervously, “Relax, sweetheart. Breathe for me.”
It was minutes before I could breathe normally again. I looked around, realizing I was lying in the front seat of Charlie’s truck. He hovered over me, relief washing over his face.
“I need to sit up,” I said.
Charlie helped me into a sitting position while he stood outside the truck with the door open, watching me carefully.
“Sophie, I am so, so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was…I was scared of losing you.”
I couldn’t see through the tears to even look at him. “Take me home.”
“Please listen to me. Let me explain,” he begged.
“You’ve had a month to explain. A month! You let me believe that you were going to stay. You let me believe that we had a future together. You let me believe–”
“We do have a future together, Sophie. When I get back I promise to never leave you again.”
“LIES!”
He stumbled backward like he had been struck. Tears welled in his eyes. “I never lied to you, Sophie.”
“Tell me something, Charlie. Why did you do it? Why did you volunteer to go back into a war zone? What did you think would happen between us? Huh? I told you from the very start that I did not want to get involved with you because YOU WOULD LEAVE!” And look, here we are” I said, waving my hands in the air, “after you promised me you’d stay, you’re leaving. TOMORROW!”
He raked his hands through his hair. “I know this is my fault. I know that. When I met you, baby, I said to myself…that girl is going to own me one day. I knew it in my gut. At first I just needed to know you. Find out what your secret was – how you could make me believe that the world wasn’t a messed up place because everything was ugly before I met you. So… damn… ugly. You made life beautiful again. I wanted to know how you did that. You made me believe in God again, because only a God could create someone like you. That couldn’t happen by chance. Then I thought if there was a God then maybe He sent you to me to make up for all the horrible things I’d seen in my life.” He wiped the tears from his cheeks. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I don’t want to leave you, but I have to. And it’s killing me. God, baby, you don’t know how much it hurts me to do this to you. Please,” he held my face in his hands. “I’m in love with you, Sophie. Tell me what I can do to make you believe in me again. I’ll do anything.”
“Don’t go.”
“What?”
“Don’t g-go, Charlie. Stay. If you volunteered then – unvolunteer.”
He shook his head. “I can’t, Sophie. I can’t.”
My heart broke into a million pieces, falling at his feet. Gasping between sobs, I said, “Then you have to let me go.”
He rested his forehead against mine. “Don’t ask me to do that, Sophie. I don’t know how.”
“And I don’t know how to watch you leave. I can’t do it.”
“Tell me you love me. Say it. Say it right here, right now. If you love me we can get through anything.”
I pulled away. “Everybody leaves.”
“I’m not leaving you, Sophie. I just have to go away for a while, but I’ll be back. I promise.”
I’d heard those words before and I’d believed them once. I wouldn’t believe them again. With a new resolve I wiped away the tears. “Stop making promises you can’t keep and take me home.”
“Sophie, no,” he pleaded.
“Then I’ll walk home.” I pushed him out of the way and began walking in the direction of my house.
Charlie ran up behind me and spun me around, pulling me into his chest. His arms circled around me and held me in a tight embrace. “Please, Sophie, I can’t lose you. I need you.”
I let him hold me and I held him, because if this was going to be the last time I would ever see him, I needed to be in his arms one last time. Another wave of tears streamed down my face and I let that happen too.
“Sophie? Charlie?” My dad called out. I looked to my right and saw my father standing in the middle of the road, his car door hanging open. “What are you two doing out here?”
“Dad,” I said, my voice trembling. “Can you take me home, please?”
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Can you take me h-home?”
My dad looked at Charlie with questions in his eyes. “Sure, honey. Get in the car.”
Charlie held my face. “Stay with me. Let’s talk. Please.”
I couldn’t look at him with so much heartache between us. “I can’t.”
“Have I lost you, Sophie?” Charlie whispered.
I was ashamed to admit it, but he had lost me. Or I had lost him...to a war. How could I compete with that? “I can’t do this again,” I whispered.
My biological father had ruined me for happiness and for a minute I thought I could love again. Turns out, I wasn’t strong enough.
I walked away from Charlie and climbed into my dad’s car, defeated. I took a long pull of cold air and held my tears inside.
“Sophie! Charlie shouted. I looked up against my own will. When he knew he had my attention he said, “You said you didn’t know how to watch me leave. Well,” he said, holding out both arms, “you’re about to learn.”
He climbed inside his truck, slammed his door, and sped away.
My dad patted my knee, sympathy caressing his words. “You okay, honey?”
I looked out my window. “No, Dad, I’m not.”
I’ll never be okay.
Her best
friend found me sitting alone in the café. I guess she knew where to find me. It wasn’t hard. I was always sitting alone in the café, because it was where Sophie worked and I liked being near her. Though, she wasn’t here now and I likely wouldn’t see her again anytime soon.
“She’s heartbroken, you know.”
I murmured, “I know.”
“You should go to her. I’ve never seen her like this.”
I closed my eyes, recalling the last words Sophie had said to me. It was what I’d been doing for the last two hours. In fact, her last words felt like they were woven around my neck like a noose, choking the life out of me.
“Charles, look at me.”
I didn’t. “She doesn’t want to see me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe it.” I turned to face her so she could see my pain, my broken heart, and then redirected my eyes back out the window. “Besides, it’s probably better this way.”
Her friend slid in the booth across from me. “Better for whom? Her or you?”
“For both of us I suppose.”
“Please look at me, Charles.”
Hesitantly, I granted her request. Her eyes wore empathy, and her smile held regret. “I know you told her you were leaving tomorrow and I know she hasn’t admitted it to you yet, but she loves you. You have to know that.”
Swallowing the ache I felt, I nodded. “I know.”
“Well if you know then why are you sitting here? Why aren’t you with her trying to–”
“I know what I’m doing,” I said, standing abruptly. I reached into my pocket, pulled out some money, and slapped it down on the table. “I’m giving her what she wants.”
Coming to a stand beside me and getting in my face, she said, “Yeah? And what is that exactly?”
I headed for the door. She followed, nipping at my heels all the way. “I can’t believe you! You’re just gonna leave…without another word…just like that?”
I was coming unraveled at the seams. Once outside, I spun around and gripped her shoulders, startling her when I did something I never do…I raised my voice. “Yes! That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!”
Her eyes darted back and forth between mine while she tried to make sense of it all. “But…why?”
“Because… it’s the only way she’ll ever admit that she made a mistake. I have to let her think she lost me, Elizabeth, and you have to let her think that too.”
“I don’t understand. You should fight for her.”
I took a step back and looked her right in the eyes. “I am fighting for her. I’ve been fighting for her.” I bowed my head, feeling the gaping hole inside my chest where my heart used to be, and in a whisper said, “It’s her turn to fight for me.”
~ Fleurie
Chasing All the Stars
I had stood outside Sophie’s house and listened to her cries from her opened window.
They drifted like leaves caught on a breeze and landed at my feet.
If only I could pick her tears up and hold them like jewels. If only she could feel me and see me cradle them in the palm of my hand while I whispered… I’m so sorry, Sophie. Please let me explain.
I wanted to spill my heart out to her, bare it all, and I would have given anything for her to have heard me.
The front door opened and my eyes were immediately drawn to the figure stepping out onto the front porch. “I figured you would be out here.” Mr. McCormick said. “Come have a seat.” He pointed to the rocker next to his. “Tell me what happened.”
I hung my head low and walked up the porch steps, all the while feeling the burn of her father’s eyes. I was sure he would hate me too once I told him I couldn’t keep my promise. He listened attentively, never interrupting, and nodded when he understood. I explained it all, leaving nothing out. I pleaded my case like a man guilty of a crime, though contrite for what he had done. I didn’t make excuses, only telling the truth while Mr. McCormick regarded me with quiet observation.
I felt like a man standing before a judge, awaiting my fate.
After I finished saying everything I needed to say, five minutes went by without a word between us. I had hope when I first sat down, but that hope was now in triage and Mr. McCormick held the tourniquet that could keep it alive.
When another minute went by, hope began to bleed out and I actually felt dizzy. I wondered if losing Sophie would literally kill me.
I already felt half dead.
“Sophie told me about Tank,” Mr. McCormick said, his eyes softening around the edges. “I meant to say something sooner, but I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry, son. I’m really sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.”
“I understand you were friends with his brother as well.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
I released a pent up breath and leaned forward, scrubbing my right hand across my mouth. I shook my head and stared off into the distance. “If I hadn’t taken flak that day…if I hadn’t had to turn around and head back to base…if I hadn’t abandoned them…” I abruptly stood and walked to the other side of the porch. Needing to escape. Wanting to flee before my emotions could catch up to me.
A hand pressed down on my shoulder and squeezed. “Then your friend would still be alive?”
“Yes,” I said through gritted teeth.
“You don’t know that for sure.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp cool air. “Maybe. But I’ll always wonder what if.”
Mr. McCormick didn’t let go of my shoulder. He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. “What was his name?”
“Wi…” I swallowed, trying to keep my emotions under control and my hands at my sides. “William.”
“William,” he repeated softly, as though he was paying his respects. I bit the inside of my lip to keep the ache from slipping out.
I missed him.
I missed them both.
So… damn…much.
“I get it, Charlie,” Mr. McCormick said. “I get it.”
I said nothing. I was too busy trying not to crack.
Then he added, “I’ll talk to Sophie. I’ll make her understand. Okay? I’ll make her understand.”
My hands left my side and I reciprocated her father’s hug. “Thank you,” I said, feeling hope coming back to life. “Thank you.”
There was a gentle knock on my bedroom door and then it opened. “Sophie,” my dad said softly. “Charlie was just here.”
I sat on the side of my bed facing the wall, my back to him, clutching my old doll that I found buried in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I never threw it out. I’m not sure why because the memories it evoked whenever I looked at it were never good ones.
Holding on to it, and without looking at my father, I said, “He lied to me, Dad.”
The door clicked shut. “Sophie, did you let him explain?”
“He wasn’t interested in explaining if he waited this long to tell me.” I pulled at the doll’s hair and tried straightening out the tangled mess, keeping my hands occupied in order to occupy my brain. And my heart.
“Would you have been okay with him leaving if he’d told you sooner?”
“No,” I said, without any thought at all. “I still would have been upset and angry because he chose to leave. At the end of the day, that’s all that rings true.”
My father sat next to me. “Yeah, I suppose that’s how you would see it. Charlie knew you would see it that way too, and that’s why he put off telling you.” My dad reached over and held my hand. “He’s a wreck, Sophie. I’ve never seen a man fall apart quite like that.”
My eyes darted to my father’s. “What do you mean?”
“Everything is not black and white, sweetheart. Some things go deeper than what they seem on the surface. You never let him explain what happened. You automatically assumed the worst of him because of Andrew. And the two situations are not even close to being the same.”
/> I stood and crossed the room in an angry stride, still clutching the damn doll, feeling the need to escape. “One left and the other is leaving. Seems like the same thing to me.”
“You need to know the truth,” he said.
“About what?”
“About both men.”
“I don’t want–”
“Andrew got tied up with some very bad people, Sophie. After your biological mother died he lost his will to live, even though he had a little girl that needed him. He was leaving you with virtual strangers most of the time so he could go out drinking and gambling. By the time he brought you to us he owed a lot of money to a lot of bad people. Yes, he left you, but…” my dad sighed, “sometimes you have to be cruel in order to be kind. He was doing what was best for you at the time. He knew we would take care of you and we have. Your mother and I hoped that he would get his life straightened out.” Dad laughed with ill-humor. “Although I would be lying if I said I’m not glad he never showed back up.”
My head snapped around and a gigantic knot ballooned inside my throat. “Why would say that? You knew how many nights I cried myself to sleep thinking he stopped loving me, wondering what I could have done differently to make him want to k-keep me.”
“Yeah, but if he came back then I would have been the one crying myself to sleep every night because I would have lost you to someone I never thought deserved you.”
My eyes were swollen, my nose was chafed, and my head pounded, yet nothing hurt worse than my heart. It ached.
“Charlie is nothing like Andrew, sweetheart. His volunteering to go back to war is a technicality. The truth is, men like Charlie don’t get to make those kinds of choices. They are too valuable to sit on the sidelines, and if Charlie had said no to the task they would have made him go anyway. A good general only lets you think it was your decision to make. I should know. I’ve been in Charlie’s shoes.”
“What?”
He stood and casually put his hands inside his front pockets. “I served during WWI. I don’t like to talk about it, so I don’t. But I flew, like Charlie. Maybe that’s why I liked him when you first introduced us. I know where he’s coming from. He and I are a lot alike. So, while I can understand why you would be upset with him sitting on the news of his departure for so long, I can also understand why he did it.” My father walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulders. “I didn’t want Andrew coming back into your life even though I knew it would make you happy, because I knew I could take care of you better than he could. That makes me selfish. Charlie put off telling you news that would hurt you for as long as he did because he knew how you would feel and how it might be the end of your relationship. Yes, maybe he was a little selfish as well to want to hold on to you for as long as he could. We’re all a little selfish, Sophie. We’re all human and we make mistakes. But leaving you was never his choice. And that’s the God’s honest truth.”
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