Back to Yesterday

by Pamela Sparkman

  I was preparing to go home when Elizabeth sidled up next to me. “Are you really okay?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said, removing my apron. I had told no one about what happened that day behind the cemetery. I kept that all to myself. It was my tiny sign of hope and I didn’t want anyone ruining it for me with their skepticism or their doubts. “At least, I will be.” Turning to face her, I said, “He’ll be home soon, right?”

  “Right,” she said, trying her best to reassure me. “You’re absolutely right.” She brushed a curl from my face. “You know what we need? Pie.” She got to work cutting two thick slices of apple pie and putting them on plates. I grabbed two forks and we leaned against the counter and dug into the flaky crust, making small talk about this and about that. I welcomed the distraction.

  The wooden radio played in the background and when Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy by the Andrew Sisters came on, she reached over and turned up the volume.

  “Dance with me, Sophie.”

  I hadn’t danced since Charlie had taken me, and at first, I hesitated.

  “Come on,” Elizabeth insisted. “You can have a little fun once in a while. Charlie would want you to.”

  She took my hand, leading me from behind the counter. Together, she and I sashayed around the café with smiles on our faces. It was our version of escapism. Henry even came out from the kitchen to watch until he too decided to join in.

  We were laughing and carrying on, allowing ourselves to be in the moment. It was the most fun I’d had since Charlie had left, and I felt like an ordinary girl doing ordinary things.

  For fifteen glorious minutes.

  And then the bell above the door chimed. A man wearing an Army Air Corp uniform stood before us, which wasn’t unusual. We had an army base in town, after all.

  “Hi,” I greeted, while Elizabeth and I smoothed down our hair, embarrassed we had gotten caught being silly. “Sorry,” I said, “We didn’t expect any more customers. Would you like a cup of coffee?”

  The man smiled at my greeting, yet it was solemn. That’s when I noticed his austere posture. When he took two steps towards me, his smile slipped like loose pebbles on the edge of a jagged cliff. The glint of silver wings over his breast pocket caught my eye, and for a whole minute, it was the only thing I would allow myself to focus on. Henry turned off the radio, and no one else moved or said a word. Until that moment, I never knew silence could take up so much space. It moved in and settled around us like a misty fog.

  The man reverently removed his hat, tucked it under his arm, and cleared his throat.

  I closed my eyes and let the tear roll down my cheek, not bothering to interrupt its path.

  “Excuse me,” the man said, being careful with his words like they were fragile, breakable things. “I’m looking for Sophie McCormick.”

  Henry stepped forward and placed his hand on my shoulder.

  I covered Henry’s hand with mine, letting him know I could do this on my own. I let go and took a tentative step forward. “I’m Sophie.”

  The man nodded, looked away, nodded again as if he was talking himself into something. “Ma’am, is there somewhere we could talk?”

  “You can talk right here,” Elizabeth said, coming to stand beside me.

  We knew what this visit meant. We all knew. It couldn’t mean anything else. I squeezed Elizabeth’s hand, needing her warmth to chase away the chill that traveled down my spine. “Can I get you a cup of coffee, Mr…?”

  “Conrad. James Conrad. No, thank you.” He gestured towards the booths. “May we sit?”

  “Of course.” I followed him as he made his way towards the back of the café, and when he started to sit in Charlie’s booth, I panicked. His booth was sacred to me. “Not there.” I pointed to the next booth over. “Let’s sit at that one.”

  Sitting across from me, he folded his hands and rested them on the table, one thumb rubbing over the other.

  “Don’t make me wait,” I said. “Please, whatever you have to tell me, just say it.”

  He took an unsettling breath. “I, uh…I’m not really supposed to be here. This isn’t official. I’m here as a friend to Charles. We worked together and a while back he wrote me a letter and he made me promise that I would come find you if anything ever happened to him.”

  Another teardrop fell, unhindered.

  “He’s…missing, Miss McCormick. For over a week now. He didn’t come back from his last mission.”

  “Missing?”

  He nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on mine. “I work logistics, getting pilots where they need to be and such. I had to arrange for a pilot to replace him. That’s how I know.”

  Elizabeth appeared with two cups of coffee, setting them down in front of us, and then sitting down next to me. “Do you have any more information you can give her?” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “Anything at all?”

  His eyes traveled away from ours, settling on the table, on a blemish that had been there for years. “That’s it. I’m sorry. He’s the toughest guy I know. Please understand that he’s just missing at this point. I don’t want you to assume the worst.”

  My eyes flitted to the coffee in front of me, the color reminding me of Charlie’s eyes. Then I looked out the window. People were walking to and fro like devastating news hadn’t just been delivered. Charlie was missing. How could the world keep turning like nothing had happened? Then I remembered. It hadn’t. The world had stopped making sense to me days ago.

  I had felt it all along.

  “Sophie?” Elizabeth said.

  A part of me wanted to rage, to run out into the street and shake everyone, yell at them for not knowing that the greatest man I’d ever known was missing. Somewhere, on the other side of the world, my Charlie was…was…what? Hurt? In trouble?

  Was he scared and alone?

  “Sophie?”

  Was he a prisoner of war?

  The damned unknown lurked in the shadows behind every corner. Fear was begging me for another battle, sure that it would win this time.

  “Sophie, honey?”

  Then I caught sight of Julia. She was across the street, sitting on a park bench, alone. Her posture was straight and assured. People passed by her without knowing her story or what she had suffered. Who shared in this woman’s sorrow and grief? This woman had lost two sons, and still she managed to get up in the morning, put on her clothes, and face the world. It didn’t seem to matter that the world didn’t face her. She didn’t need it to. She was living for her sons. Spending time with Julia and observing her had taught me that it was okay to not be okay, but giving up, to stop living, was not an option, and the longer I studied her, the more I wanted to emulate her.

  I want to be just like her when I grow up.

  I remembered the day the butterfly came to me and the words I’d heard whispered in the wind.

  I nudged Elizabeth to let me out and reached across the table and took James’ hand. “Thank you for honoring Charlie’s wishes. I won’t give up hope. I don’t know how I know, but I know that he’ll come home. I know it in my gut.”

  I slid out of the booth and grabbed my purse form behind the counter.

  “Where are you going?” Elizabeth asked.

  I pointed across the street. “It’s Thursday,” I said, like that explained everything.

  Confused, Elizabeth said, “And?”

  Turning to look at her, I replied, “I always visit Julia on Thursdays. I’m late.” I mimicked Julia’s posture, held my head up, and closed my eyes, imagining I was trying on a cloak of bravery. It felt too large, like a child playing dress-up in her mother’s clothes.

  I wore it anyway and stepped outside to face the world.

  Just like Julia.

  Twenty-one days. That’s how long it had been since I found out Charlie was missing.

  Twenty-one days, six hours, and forty-three minutes.

  I walked to the edge of the pond. The water glistened by the light of the moon. I did this every night a
fter I closed the café. I don’t know why, I just felt closer to him here. It was where we had our first conversation and where we had met for our first date. I chuckled to myself thinking how it had been such a disaster. My poor Charlie and his bee sting.

  My smile faded. Where are you, my love? Can you feel me? Can you feel me missing you?

  A twig snapped behind me and I spun around.

  “Sorry,” Elizabeth said. “I saw you out here and wanted to see if you needed some company.”

  Turning back to face the inky water, I said, “Thank you, but…” I hugged myself, “…I need a minute to think.”

  “What are you thinking about?

  I looked up into the nighttime sky. “Do you see that?” I pointed. “The stars look like little diamond? I want to be one of those diamonds. To be high above the Earth where I can look down below and see everything there is to see.” My voice wobbled. “Maybe if Charlie was lost I could shine bright enough to lead him home.”

  “Oh, honey,” Elizabeth said, wrapping her arm around me. “He’s coming home. You have to believe that.”

  I rested my head on her shoulder. I held hope in my hands every day. I treated hope like it was a precious stone. I clutched it so tightly that I sometimes felt bruised by it.

  Like today.

  For a while we said nothing. We stood together and stared at the glittery sky. Then William Carlisle, Elizabeth’s new boyfriend, showed up. Small talk ensued and he even made me laugh a couple of times, which I was grateful for.

  I let them think they had cheered me up. I smiled at all the appropriate times and I even invited them over to my house for breakfast the next morning. I did this thinking they would feel better about leaving a lonely, heartsick woman alone at night so they would leave me to my thoughts. To my heartache.

  It had worked too. When they left, I let the sadness that I was feeling take over. I only cried when I was alone these days. And only at night. I gave my days to the world. The nights belonged to me, wanting to reclaim them.

  When I heard the snap of a twig again, I didn’t even bother to turn around. “Elizabeth, I promise, I’m fine,” I said, wiping my eyes. “I’ll go home in a few minutes.”

  “Sophie.”

  I spun around in surprise and what came next would stop my entire world.

  I knocked on the front door and then adjusted my tie. I counted to thirty and then knocked again.

  Come on come on come on!

  Twenty seconds later, her mother came to the door. “Oh my God!” she gasped. “Richard!” she yelled, without taking her eyes off me. “Charlie is here!”

  It was only a matter of seconds before Sophie’s father appeared. “Charlie?” he said, stepping out on the porch. He tugged on my shoulder and pulled me towards him, embracing me like a parent would a child. “It’s so good to have you back, son.” I detected a quiver in his voice.

  “Thank you, sir. It’s good to be back. Is Sophie here?”

  “She’s at work,” her mother said, wiping her tears. “I can’t believe you’re home.”

  “This was my first stop once they let me off base. I need to find Sophie.”

  “Okay. Yes, go…go find her. When you bring her back, intend on staying. We’re not letting you leave again.”

  I ran the whole way to the café, and when I got there, the lights were out and the door was locked. Damn it. I looked up one side of the street and down the other. No sign of her. Where would she go?

  I stepped off the curb and sprinted across the street towards the park, nearly getting myself run over.

  “Hey! Watch where you’re going!” the angry driver hollered.

  “Sorry!” I called, still running.

  When I saw her standing by the edge of the pond, my feet stopped moving. I knew it was her before she ever turned around, even though it was dark. I had memorized every line, every curve of her small frame. Silhouetted only by the light of the moon, I knew it was her.

  While I had hoped she would be here, I was willing to walk all over town until I found her.

  After all this time, she and I were standing on the same continent, in the same town, on the same patch of land.

  I halfway expected to wake up on Levi’s farm, dreaming the whole thing.

  But I wasn’t.

  She was really and truly only steps away.

  I straightened my tie, fixed my hat in place, smoothed out my jacket, and dusted off my sleeves, wanting to look my best. I wanted her to be proud of me.

  Noticing her shoulders trembling, I knew she was crying. I moved towards her. When I stepped on a broken stick, I paused, not wanting to scare her.

  “Sophie,” I said with a tremor in my voice, unable to wait another second for her to know I was home.

  Everything that happened after was like a motion-picture movie with no sound. She turned around and her eyes landed on mine. Like before, she captured me and pulled me under with the wave of tears that fell from the deepest, bluest eyes I’d ever seen. And also like before, I was a man drowning, with no life preserver to save me.

  Holding her hand over her mouth, she could only shake her head as though she couldn’t believe I was standing in front of her.

  I know it was only seconds, although, it felt like a lifetime that we stood staring at each other. Finally, her hand came down, her eyes still wide and unbelieving, the sounds of the world coming back in perfect clarity. “Ch-Charlie?!”

  When she said my name, I could barely keep it together. “I’m home.”

  Her beautiful face crumpled. “You’re…you’re really here?”

  “I promised you, didn’t I?”

  She flew into my arms and I caught her like our very lives depended on it.

  Because they did.

  Oh my God. I was holding Sophie in my arms again.

  I was holding Sophie in my arms.

  “I have to look at you!” she exclaimed. “I have to see you.” She pulled back and held my face in her hands. Her eyes bounced around from my chin to my nose, eyes and forehead. She traced her fingers over my eyebrows, outlined the contours of my ears. “It’s you, it’s really you! I love you so much. I love you so much, Charlie.” She wrapped herself around me again and all I did was hold on.

  I never wanted to let go of her again.

  Never ever again.

  “I love you. I love you I love you I love you,” I chanted in the curve of her neck.

  “You’re home!” she cried.

  “I’m home, baby. I’m home.”

  “They said you were missing,” she said, touching my hair, my face, and rubbing her fingers over my lips. “I was so scared. I was afraid…”

  I kissed her fingers and pulled her in, still needing to hold her. “I know, sweetheart. I’m so sorry.”

  “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you.”

  I know I couldn’t live if I ever lost Sophie. I hated so much that I had put her through that.

  “I worked like hell to get home to you, baby. You have no idea.”

  “Tell me what happened. Where were you? Tell me everything.”

  I did tell her everything, but after I’d walked her home and spoken with her parents. I’d promised them I would come back as soon as I found her.

  I had already explained how I had come under enemy fire and had crashed on Levi’s farm. I told them how he and his son had helped get my plane fixed and back in the air. When I spoke about Levi, I choked up.

  Sophie and I were sitting on the sofa, her head on my shoulder, my arm securely and protectively around her.

  “They said an updraft saved me that day,” I went on. “All I remember thinking was that if I didn’t throttle up I would crash nose first into those cliffs.”

  “I remember those cliffs,” Mr. McCormick said, his forehead creased, deep in thought. He took a sip of his coffee. “Sorry, son, go on.”

  “I waited until the last possible second, pushed the throttle forward and the plane – she shook violently. I do reme
mber feeling a lift, though, and I cleared the top of the cliffs. After that things get a little fuzzy. I remember the plane shaking, shaking, shaking, and then the engine – fell apart. Smoke billowed out so thick I couldn’t see anything in front of me. And then I…” I paused, remembering something. “Tank.”

  Sophie lifted her head off my shoulder. “What did you say?”

  “Tank. He…he was there.” I shook my head. I hadn’t remembered that, but he had been there. “I’m not crazy,” I said. “He was there. After I crashed…the plane was on fire.”

  I had been asked a million times during my debriefing what had happened from the time I left the base that day until I made it back to England and not once had I remembered Tank being with me at the end. I had told them I didn’t remember what had happened after the crash. And it was true, I hadn’t. The British spotters on the ground had filled in the gaps. According to them, I cleared the cliffs and then crashed about a quarter of a mile from there.

  “I blacked out.”

  “Wake up, buddy. Your plane is on fire.”

  I blinked a few times trying to bring everything into focus. Familiar brown eyes were looking right at me.

  “Tank?” I mumbled. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’m gonna get you out. Okay? You’re gonna be fine.”

  “By the time the spotters got to me, they said I was lying on the ground several feet away from the wreckage.”

  I ran my hands through my hair and scrubbed my face. “Why didn’t I remember that?” I dropped my hands and looked at Sophie, and then at her parents. “You would think I would remember my dead best friend saving me.” I stood up. “I need to get some air.”

  I walked onto their front porch, closing the door behind me, and sitting down on the top step. They probably thought I was nuts. Certifiably insane. I wouldn’t have blamed them for thinking it.

  Sophie came out shortly after and sat down next me. She looped her arm through mine and leaned against me. For a time, we said nothing. I was busy flipping through my memory bank.

  “The canopy wouldn’t open,” I said. “It was jammed. I thought I was going to burn up inside that plane.”