by Melinda Minx
"Okay," he said, taking the strap and tugging the little suitcase behind him. He had to slow down to keep the dog from tipping over as it hit the uneven ridges of the skybridge. Thankfully that meant I no longer needed to chase behind him.
We stepped off the skybridge and into the airport.
"We’re in New York?" he asked.
"It's actually New Jersey."
"You said we gonna live in New York."
"We are. New Jersey is right next to New York. We'll take the train and be there soon."
His eyes lit up when I mentioned a train.
I looked out the window. I could see the city from here. It was quite far away, but it was there.
Elijah's father was somewhere in there. My chest tightened, and my throat went dry. I'd remembered what Silas had said when the condom broke. He didn't want to have kids. I'd grappled with the decision many times in the past. Should I tell him or not? Sometimes I felt like I'd made a huge mistake in not telling him. Many times I'd had the phone in hand, ready to call him, but I'd never been able to press the button and make the call go through.
It was easier to just accept that I was a single mother. That Elijah was my responsibility. As much as I'd felt something special for Silas, I barely knew the man. One of the few things I'd really known about him was that he did not want children. It had somehow felt better to simply not tell him and to accept that Elijah's father was out of the picture. If I had told him, and if he'd have reacted poorly. If he'd have said it "wasn't his kid" it would have crushed me. The more likely scenario was probably that he'd have offered to throw money at the situation, which would have hurt me even more than a flat-out denial that it was his.
So I'd decided to not tell him. To pretend he didn't exist. It had been easy to do that while I had the entire country of Canada between me and him, and while I was working long hours and grueling shifts. My mom had come to Alaska with me and helped me raise Elijah. She'd been there when I couldn't be, but every free minute I had, I spent with my little boy. I loved him more than anything, and never for a moment did I ever consider him a mistake.
As I looked at the skyline in the distance, I realized it would be hard not to pretend Silas didn't exist. The city was big enough that I'd likely never run into him. Knowing that'd he'd just be a few miles away from me though somehow changed things. The temptation to at least reach out to him grew. Even from Newark, I could see the damn skyscraper that he lived in. How bad would it be every time I was in Manhattan?
I still remembered how it felt when I hugged him goodbye. I'd often wondered what might have happened if I'd given in to temptation. If I'd just stayed a nurse and stayed with him. Probably we would have had a big fight when we realized I was pregnant. I reminded myself that we were still very much in the lust phase of our fledgling relationship, and there was no way of knowing that we'd even have been a good fit.
"Mommy!" Elijah shouted. "Let's go!"
He sat down on his doggy suitcase and started riding it down the terminal. I fast-walked up beside him and took hold of the leash. I started pulling him along behind me.
We got our big suitcases, and then we went up to the reception desk to get Bella.
They brought her cage out, and I opened it up. She burst out of the cage and whined at me as I bent down to give her a Corgi hug. Elijah gave her a hug next, and then I fished her leash out of my carry-on and hooked it onto her collar. It took a lot of work to shuffle all of our bags outside to let Bella go pee. I had to keep an eye on all of the luggage and Elijah while Bella pulled with all of her strength to pee in a tiny little patch of grass on the sidewalk just outside the terminal.
When Bella had done her thing, I struggled to move everything onto the train—Bella included—while making sure Elijah stayed close to me. He had slept on-and-off on the very long flight, but between the major timezone shift and the fact that it was three hours past his bedtime, Elijah was completely overstimulated. I could tell he was tired, but he was nearly bouncing off the walls of the train.
"It's a train but it's up in the air!" he shouted. "Flying train! Choooo chooo!"
"Stay with me, sweetie," I said, taking his hand. "Or hold onto this pole here."
He took hold of the pole and started running around in circles.
I sat down close to him, and before the train even crossed into the city, Elijah had curled up onto my lap and passed out.
A woman smiled at me. "Cute kid."
I stroked his hair. It was dark black like his father's. His face reminded me of Silas too. It had been years since I'd seen the man, but I wasn't going to lie, I sometimes looked him up. He was still terminally single. He'd never dated anyone as far as I could tell. He'd never tried to contact me either. Maybe I'd pushed too hard to end things. I'd made it clear I was walking away, and he'd just accepted that.
We got to our apartment—I'd had a few things moved in for us already—and got Elijah into his new bedroom. I tucked him in, opened up his doggy suitcase, and put his stuffed teddy bear, panda, and cat into his bed with him. He was completely out cold. I'd never seen him so tired. I kissed him on the cheek, whispered good night to him, and pulled an air mattress out of my luggage.
Bella whined impatiently as I slowly pumped the air mattress full. “You’re not sleeping on here, sweetie.”
She groaned, and I knew it was hopeless. By the time I got the thing pumped, Bella was already on it. I brushed my teeth and collapsed down onto the mattress, fully exhausted. Bella—for a tiny little Corgi—sure was able to take up a huge amount of real estate. I shoved her corgi butt out of the way, and carved out a space for myself on the air mattress.
It had been a long, grueling journey, but God, it felt good to be home.
8
Silas
I met Noah, Lacey, Naomi, and Ava—Naomi's little sister—in Prospect Park. I didn't go to Brooklyn too often, but Naomi's Jiu Jitsu class was doing a demonstration there, and I wanted to support her.
Noah and Lacey waved to me as I strolled up to them. It was Saturday, but I had to meet a client afterward, so I was still wearing a suit. It was the middle of Autumn, so wearing a suit and tie to the park didn't feel entirely uncomfortable.
Noah was just wearing a tight t-shirt, a hoodie, and jeans. He was holding Ava's hand, and Lacey was holding two caramel apples, one in each hand.
Ava was three years old, and Naomi was eight now. She'd gotten into Jiu Jitsu because of me, and it was honestly quite cool seeing her go from a little toddler rolling around on the ground and just fucking around more or less, to an 8-year-old who could throw a 12-year-old boy over her shoulder and pin him to the ground.
"You want a caramel apple?" Lacey asked me.
I shook my head. "I'd end up staining my shirt probably."
"You work too hard," Noah said, taking one of the apples from Lacey and taking a big bite.
I shrugged. I'd always worked hard, but I'd really started working even harder over the last few years. I'd tried to forget about her, but more often than I liked to admit, I thought about Emily. I knew I had likely just built her up in my head. If she had actually stayed for me, I'd have ruined her career. We probably wouldn't have gotten along that well after the initial honeymoon period—and the incredible sex—cooled off. She'd have realized I was just an arrogant bastard who never really wanted to settle down, and I'd have felt like I'd let her down and completely torpedoed her dream of being a doctor.
That's why I'd never contacted her. Of course, I had come very close. Several times. I'd imagined just flying out to Alaska and hooking up with her again. Then I realized how selfish that sounded, and I'd dropped the idea.
Ever since that night with her, I'd never felt the same way about anyone. Rather than accepting that she was "the one" that I had let go, I chalked it all up to myself. I was a broken man who could never be happy. I had everything anyone could ever want in the world. I had all the money in the world, and I could have basically any woman I wanted, and yet nothing would
ever make me happy.
The best way to keep my mind off of that was to just work. I worked harder than I ever needed to. I worked harder than Noah. And sometimes spending time with Noah and his family helped too. Now there were two kids I liked: Naomi and Ava.
Ava ran up and hugged my leg. I tousled her hair, then picked her up and gave her a hug.
"She's sticky," Noah warned me.
Lacey wiped her face off—which was covered in caramel.
"Sissy is gonna fight a boy!" Ava said.
"She's going to beat a boy," I said, "your sister is a badass."
Lacey shot me a look. I held up my palms. "Sorry, but she is."
"Badass! Badass!" Ava said.
Lacey shoved me, somewhat playfully, but she was definitely annoyed with me.
I leaned down and looked Ava in the eye. "Uncle Silas has a potty mouth, Ava. You don't want to talk like him. That thing I just said is a bad word, so let's not repeat it."
"Badass!" she said, even louder.
"Your mommy is going to be very angry with me if you keep saying it."
"Ass! Ass!"
"Say 'butt' instead."
"Badbutt! Badbutt."
I stood back up and shrugged to Lacey. "Sorry, I tried."
We all gathered around the stage they set up for the Jiu Jitsu demonstration. Naomi was standing around with a girl a bit older than her, pointing and whispering toward a group of boys. I didn't know which one she was going to fight, but I hoped it wasn't the one that was at least a head taller than her.
Naomi's teacher Dennis, a man with greying hair in his 50s, came out and started talking into a microphone. It screeched with feedback, and all the kids covered their ears.
"Sorry, sorry," he said, "we are the Jiu Jitsu Jaguars of Brooklyn. We accept students of all ages. Yes, even ones as old as me. I’d really like someone older than me, then I wouldn’t be the oldest one."
He waited for laughter, but I barely heard even a chuckle. I clapped my hands a few times to emphasize his joke falling flat, and Dennis rolled his eyes at me. The two of us sparred sometimes, not that he ever won.
I watched as the demonstration got going. Two boys showed off different holds, and how to break those holds. There were a few very obviously choreographed fights, but the crowd started to get into those. They reminded me of cheesy fight scenes from old Hong Kong Kung Fu movies, but with cute kids instead of ripped Chinese guys. People started to cheer on various kids, and boo when the underdog in any given fight got pinned down. Of course Dennis set it up so the underdog always eventually triumphed.
For the last fight, Dennis came up and took the microphone again. "Now, believe it or not, all of those fights you just saw...were staged."
There was laughter this time. The crowd had warmed up to him.
"This coming fight," Dennis said, letting the words hang for a moment to build up suspense, "is not staged. It's just two of my top students in a no-holds-barred Jiu Jitsu battle. This fight is going to emphasize the true power of Jiu Jitsu. Let me introduce you to our first competitor. This is Carlos, A 12-year-old boy from P.S. 120. He likes model cars, comic books, and—"
Carlos grabbed the mic from Dennis and roared into it. "And crushing my opponents!"
Okay, so that part was staged, but executed very well. It got a good laugh out of me.
Dennis snatched the mic back and apologized for the "outburst," then cleared his throat. "And who is his opponent? Naomi, come out please."
Naomi jumped onto the stage. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she got into a low horse-riding stance and punched a few times, grunting loud with each punch.
The crowd laughed, which made her look even angrier.
"You can't let him beat up a little girl!" a man shouted from the crowd. "Come on, man!"
"This better be staged," someone near me whispered to her husband.
"Hold up," Dennis said, putting a hand out to quiet everyone. "Have you not learned anything from our demonstration? Jiu Jitsu is not about raw strength or power. It's about leverage, and..."
9
Emily
"It's about leverage, and finesse, strategy and skill. Naomi is among my most skilled students. Even though she is years younger and a girl, she is an even match for Carlos."
The little girl snatched the mic and jabbed a finger at the older boy. "It's not close to even! I'm going to destroy him!"
Everyone laughed again, but the little girl pointed her finger into the crowd this time. "I'm serious! Just you watch."
I was laughing a little bit, but the serious look on her face shut me up.
Elijah pulled on my arm. "Mommy, mommy, can I be a ninja?"
"I don't think they are ninjas. They are...Jiu Jitsu...Jiu Jitsuers."
God, I didn't know the first thing about Jiu Jitsu. The only thing I knew is that Elijah's father was good at it. Elijah had been watching this entire demonstration absolutely transfixed. All of the fights were obviously fake, but to him they were realer than anything. He’d squeezed my hand tighter during the fights, and begged me to go "piggyback," which I did so that he could see all the staged fights. I had to put him back down when he started squirming and bouncing around so much that I was afraid he’d fall off and hit his head.
We had to shove our way to the front of the stage so that he could see past everyone. Bella wagged her little stump as the teacher spoke, and I reached all the way down to pet her. She had gotten used to the colder climate in Alaska, and now that it was spring in New York, she was panting despite the fact that it was still relatively cool.
"Can I be a Jiu Jitsuer?" Elijah asked.
The teacher did say "all ages," but I wondered if they'd really take a 4-year-old.
"Piggy back piggy back! Please, Mommy!"
I bent down to help him onto my shoulders, and I strained to stand back up. God, he was getting big. He was likely going to be as tall as his father. The more he reminded me of his father, the harder it got to forget Silas.
The little girl and the older boy met each other on the mat in the middle of the stage. The two kids bent down and high-fived each other, and rather than immediately kicking and punching each other, they both ducked down and started shuffling back and forth. They stared each other down from less than two feet away, their eyes locked on each other. The little girl's ponytail bobbed back and forth, and the boy's hands opened and closed as if he was looking for an opening to just grab his smaller opponent.
As they bobbed and weaved and shuffled their feet, they got closer and closer. Soon their faces were only about six inches apart. Elijah started bobbing in sync with them on my shoulders. I struggled to hold him balanced. "Stay still, sweetie."
"The Jiu Jitsu girl is so cool!" he shouted.
The boy lunged forward, but it was a feint. The girl didn't even blink. She may have even rolled her eyes at him. They circled around a few more times, but I could feel the tension increasing. Something was about to snap. The crowd could feel it too, because it was eerily silent for such a big crowd in Prospect Park. Everyone who walked past stopped and got sucked into the spell.
Then the boy lunged forward, but the girl caught him before he could tackle her down. They both fell to their knees. Just as it looked like the boy was about to get her pinned down, the girl flipped back and wrapped her legs around him. He made a move to grab her, but she pivoted her hips and was suddenly on top of him. He tried to get out from under her, but she grabbed his arm and pulled up on it. He groaned, then slapped the mat with his hand twice.
"Naomi wins!" the teacher shouted into the mic.
Everyone started cheering, and Elijah nearly shook himself off my shoulders and onto the ground. I ducked down to let him off, and he jumped off onto the grass.
"Did you see the Jiu Jitsu girl?" he shouted.
"I saw her, she was very cool."
"Can I do it? Can I be a Jiu Jitsuer?"
"Maybe," I said, licking my lips, which had suddenly become very dry.
The crowd started cheering for another fight, but the girl shook her head. She got the microphone from the teacher and wagged her finger at everyone. "You made fun of me, and I already showed you that you were wrong. Now you don't get to see anymore unless you join our dojo!"
She smirked at everyone as they groaned and pleaded with her. The boy fist bumped her, and they both walked off the stage.
The crowd kept begging for more, and the teacher started making faces and hand gestures toward someone in the crowd. I looked over to try to see what he was doing, but I wasn't tall enough to see through everyone in front of me. Whoever he was signaling for was pretty far back, whereas Elijah and I were right up against the stage.
"He's going to do it!" the teacher said. "Give him a round of applause, everyone!"
Everyone started clapping, and then I saw the crowd part for him. He was wearing a suit and tie, just like the last time I saw him. He ran up the steps of the stage with a big grin on his face. I quickly took hold of Elijah and pulled him back into the crowd.
Bella tried to fight me, and I tugged on her leash. I just barely got deeper into the crowd before Silas turned around and looked out at everyone cheering him on.
My heart was pounding hard. My blood was either freezing cold or burning hot in my veins, I couldn't tell which exactly. I was terrified, but I was thrilled too.
Silas was here. Elijah's father. He wasn't just some distant memory or imaginary person I’d built up. My son was not immaculately conceived. This was the man who had done it, and here he was in the flesh.
God, but what if he saw me?
Silas took his jacket off and put it on the back of a chair. Then he started undoing his tie.
"Silas here is one of the best fighters in the city," the teacher said, "little Naomi is so good because Silas personally trains her. I don't really stand a chance, but I'll do my best to give you all a good show."
