by Mia Ford
It would be just fine if I could serve Ben all night long, but once I got dragged off to that other table I couldn’t tear myself away. I saw him a couple of times and it looked like he was watching me. I hope I didn’t anger him by getting entangled by other customers. If only I could see him again to explain...
Maybe tomorrow.
Hopefully tomorrow although I don’t know if this is the sort of place people come to every single night. I haven’t quite worked out what sort of place it is yet, but judging by the snippets of conversation that I overheard it’s a joint where people feel more than open to discuss things that should be kept private; affairs, dodgy business deals, possible criminal activities. I heard all sorts. I guess the non disclosure agreement is in the job title.
“Good.” Jenny pulls back to look at me but her hands remain on my forearms where she fixes me in place. “So you think you’ll come back then? I have to let the boss know.”
I don’t know if I want to, but I don’t want to shut down the opportunity either. “Yes, I do want to come back, at least for a short while.”
She squeals excitedly. “Good, I’ll teach you some of my moves then, help you to get even more tips although to be fair it looks like you’ve done just fine on your own tonight.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me. “Maybe it’s you who knows what you’re doing, maybe I need to start coming to you for advice, hey?”
I force a smile onto my lips then start to move away. I’m too weary to stick around for any longer, the exhaustion that’s been messing me about all day long is back and in full force. If I don’t get into my bed soon I think I might just fall down and sleep on the streets. As some of the other girls call out goodbye to me as I leave, I give them a half wave back but I’m not really focused on what I’m doing. I just need my escape...
“Serena!” As soon as I hear his voice I spin around rapidly to find him. There’s a part of me that thinks it might be my tired mind hallucinating, but nope, there he is standing in the entrance of the club, seemingly waiting for me. “I hope you don’t mind me meeting you.”
“Ben?” Just like that, I feel more awake and alert than I have done in a very long time. The intense rush brings me right back up again. “No, of course not. But I am surprised.”
He pulls out a wad of notes from his wallet. “Well unfortunately due to my phone call, I didn’t get to tip you for your company tonight.” I shake my head, I don’t want to take it, it feels weird. “I insist you have it. I wanted to give it to you all night long but I didn’t get the chance.”
My trembling fingers reach forward to grab the money. I have to admit that a small part of me is crushed. I don’t know why but the idea that he just stayed here to give me cash sucks. I mean, I need the money, but I want him to like me as well... because maybe I like him.
He is handsome after all, and there seems to be some sort of unspoken connection between us. The short time I spent talking to Ben was the most I’ve felt like myself in ages. He brought out a sassiness to me which was pretty cool. I like that, I want to experience it again but I just want him to want to speak to me again.
“Actually, the reason I stayed is really because I wanted to see you again, I was enjoying our time together. The money is just an excuse. I do want to give it to you because I owe it you, but I also want a chat as well.”
That lifts up my heart, I can literally feel my chest swelling with happiness. Of course I don’t want to get carried away but I also can’t ignore the little voice in the back of my head that’s screaming at me maybe this is it, maybe this is the moment I’ve always been waiting for. Maybe this is the dramatic moment I’ve always wanted, the start of my real life...
“Well, I’m just walking home.” I still don’t really want to go to a bar, even if I am more alert. “But you can walk with me, if you like.”
I hope he knows I’m not inviting him in, I don’t want him to assume that I’m some sort of easy girl who will just have sex with him like that. He doesn’t look like he thinks that way, but I still need it to be clear... only I can’t find the right words for it.
“Sure, I can walk you home. I’m a gentleman.” He places his hand on his hip allowing me to link my arm through his. That’s a friendly enough gesture, right? He isn’t holding my hand. I would like him to hold my hand, but I’m glad that he’s not pushing me. “Where is it you live? How many more questions do I get to ask?”
“Not many,” I giggle. “Because it’s not too far from here. Maybe three or four more questions. Five at a push.”
“I’ll take that challenge. Let’s see what I can come up with.”
We walk through the streets under the street lights and moonlight which glows down on Ben’s face in a way that makes him look devastatingly handsome. As we go I try to work out his motivation for staying behind. I mean, I know that I like him, but he can’t honestly like me, can he? I imagine he has the most beautiful women in the world throwing themselves at him. There’s no way he can like me... is there?
The way he looks at me suggests that maybe he does. There’s certainly something floating between us, a chemistry maybe. Whatever it is it feels good.
“So, what animal do you identify most with?”
I burst into laughter at Ben’s unexpected question. I thought it would be something else entirely. I don’t know what though. “Really? That’s what you’re going with?”
“You have to answer quickly. I want to fill this time wisely, I need to get in as many questions as I can.”
“Alright, alright.” I pause for just a second as I plan my answer. “A seal.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. They’re sweet.”
“Okay, so what country would you most like to visit in the world?”
“Easy, Japan.”
“Ooh, good one. I’ve been to Tokyo, it’s a fantastic country. How did you end up working as a shot girl?”
“I was temping, doing all kinds of different, equally horrible, jobs and my roommate, Jenny...”
“Wait.” He turns to face me to stop me in my tracks. “The blonde girl, that’s who you live with?”
“Yes... why?”
“I don’t know.” He purses his lips in confusion. “I just can’t imagine the two of you being friends that’s all. You’re really nice and she’s... I mean, I don’t mean this in a bad way, oh God, I’m digging myself into a hole here.”
I could let him stew but I don’t want to. He already looks upset that he’s spoken badly about Jenny, not that he’s really said anything. “I know what you mean, she’s very different to me. She’s much louder and more confident. I know I’m probably too quiet for that job really, but I’m giving it a go, trying something new.”
“Well that’s really brave of you.” Ben looks at me like he’s proud of me, which only makes me laugh again. I don’t even know why. I feel like I’m a bit of a mess around him now during this one on one time. I guess it’s because this isn’t work anymore and I don’t quite know what it is. I think he might like me and I don’t know where that’s going to lead. It scares me and excites me all at once. “You’re facing something you fear head on.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I give a modest shrug as a reply. “Thank you.”
“So what movies do you like best of all? I know it’s too hard to pick just one, so what genre?”
I can’t admit rom coms because that comes too close to my dream of something magical happening in my life, so I say the first thing that comes into my head instead. “I like world cinema. Especially drama movies.” I don’t know why I say that, but it’s too late. It’s out there now. “Right, well this is me so I suppose you’re out of questions now.”
Ben’s hands move up to my shoulders and he spins me round to stare deeply into my eyes. My breath catches in my throat, all of a sudden everything intensifies, I don’t know what to think. My head spins with a heady lust, I feel like my knees are knocking together in shock. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t want the
moment to end.
Then his lips crash against mine and everything becomes all too clear. The world rushes around me, then stops dead leaving me and Ben alone in this utterly perfect moment that I never want to end.
Chapter Seven – Ben
I just kissed her and walked away. I walked Serena to her door, kissed her and left her like a gentleman. I didn’t even ask to go inside. I mean, I wanted to go inside, I fancy the pants off her and I’m a red blooded male who is very used to getting what I want the moment I want it, but I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t as well. I think it would have ruined things if I did, I probably would already be bored and she would think I’m an asshole.
This way, there’s still intrigue, I’m still desperate to know more about her. It’s a new sensation that’s kind of delicious.
“Ben, are you even listening to me?”
“Hmm?” I drag my attention back to Mom and I can feel my redness tinging my cheeks as I realise that I’ve been caught thinking about Serena. It’s probably written all over my face that I’m feeling something different. I try to rearrange my features in a way that doesn’t look guilty, but I don’t think I manage it. “Sorry, Mom, I was in a day dream then. What did you say?”
“I was just telling you about my morning in the garden, but I can tell you aren’t interested. What’s going on with you?” She pushes my arm playfully as she senses what’s going on in my brain. “Is it a girl? After all our big talk have you actually gone and met someone?”
“No, Mom.” Why does she make me feel like a teenager? I hate that, I’m a grown ass man now. There’s no reason for me to revert back to an idiotic child when I’m around her. “It isn’t like that. I was thinking about a girl I met...” Also, I can’t ever properly lie to her either. It’s almost as if she can see right through me. “But not in that way. She’s just... nice.”
“Oh, Ben.” Mom looks too relieved for my liking. I already regret my decision. Damn her with her promise of home cooked food. I should have kept away. “I have never heard you talk about any female before. I mean, since Ally, of course, but that was a long time ago and unimportant now. So please, tell me more about her.”
I cringe inside. Lying would have been preferable to this. Now she’s going to plan some big romantic story in her mind and actually expect it to happen. It might become something between me and Serena, I don’t want to totally rule that possibility out, but I don’t want the added pressure of Mom’s expectation weighing on me.
“She’s just the girl I met the other night in a club, Mom. Nothing more.”
She tuts loudly and disapprovingly. “I wish you would spend less time in bars and clubs, Ben. It isn’t right. You’re a good boy, you should be spending your time in better ways.”
I choose to ignore that remark and get on with my story. I can’t deal with any of that right now. I’m happy with my life, if she doesn’t see that, that isn’t my fault. “I met her while she was working in a bar and I was out on a business meeting. We only talked for a while, but she seems cool. Just nice and normal, you know?”
Mom rills her eyes. “My goodness, she already sounds like the perfect girl for you. Are you taking her out on a date? Why don’t you call her right now?”
“Woah, hold your horses.” I chuckle awkwardly at her. “It isn’t like that, I don’t even have her number or anything.” Maybe I shouldn’t mention the kiss at all. I don’t want her to get carried away. “It’s just... she’s someone I met, that’s all.”=
“Right, right. So you’re keeping her a secret from me, I see.” She nods slowly and again I’m filled with the sense that she can see right through me. “I guess I’ll just go and get lunch then and we won’t say another thing about it.”
As she walks away I sit back further in my chair and I wonder if she’s right to be suspicious about me and Serena. I played down my feelings then for obvious reasons but she’s been on my mind the whole time. It’s almost like she’s a virus in my brain that I can’t shake off however hard I try. And more than that I don’t want to.
Maybe I should go back to the club tonight, to see her, I think to myself with a smirk playing on my lips. I am there all the time, it wouldn’t be too suspicious, and I’ll make sure I don’t get distracted again.
The only reason I let Serena slip away from me was the call from Mom. Now that I’ve seen her today, I’ve even taken a day off work for it, there can’t be any reason for her to call me again. I don’t need to speak to anyone else, I can focus all my attention on Serena. That sounds freaking amazing.
Maybe I will go, I don’t know. I’ll decide after this lunch.
“Oh my God, Mom what is that? It smells incredible.” Eating luxury food out all the time is nice, but there’s nothing like my mom’s cooking. Despite all the pressure she puts on my shoulders about practically getting hitched, she’s awesome to be around too. “Is that your shepherd’s pie? I can’t remember the last time I had that.”
“I think you were about nineteen.” The plates steam in Mom’s hands. “But I remember it being your favourite when you were little. That’s what made me decide to make it again.”
“Oh, Mom, what a legend you are.”
As we sit and eat, the ghost of Dad hangs over us again. I can see it in Mom’s face and I’m sure that expression is mirrored in my own. We’ve never let go of him, and that shows every time we’re together. Maybe if I actually do progress my life forwards it’ll help us both to move on. Maybe...
***
I stare at my cell phone wondering who I should call to come out with me to the club tonight. I know I would only have to hit one of the buttons and whoever’s on the other end will come with me, all the people in my contacts list are yes men who want to spend time with me, but I’m not sure tonight that I want any of them. After the Kyle debacle last night where he wasn’t too nice about Serena and he called Jenny over to the table, I’m not sure I need that distraction. I just want to focus on Serena, so I can work out what this is between us.
Is it weird to go to the club by myself? I’m really not sure. I think once I sit down and I start drinking and chatting it’ll be alright, it’ll just be walking in that’s weird... but I’m a confident man, I could totally do that.
Yeah, screw it, I’ll go by myself.
I stuff my cell phone into my trouser pocket and undo my shirt. I know it’s the sort of club where looking smart is required, but I want to stand out. I want Serena to know that I’m not like the rest of them.
I grab one of my old faded band tee shirts and I shove it on under my shirt so the logo just about shows. It’s from my teenage years, when I was a grunger into rock music, so I’m surprised that it still fits over my now very muscular body, but it does so I’ll take that as a sign to just go for it.
As I stare at my reflection in the mirror, Mom’s words circle around in my brain. Her excitement for me to actually be with Serena has rubbed off on me. She tried her best for the rest of the afternoon not to keep mentioning it but it was as if the words kept falling out of her mouth regardless. She couldn’t stop herself from talking about ‘my mystery girl’. She even said that she wants to meet her, which is ridiculous. I mean, how quick does she think I want to go? Does she not know me at all? Does she not understand that if I do take that brave step it’ll be really hard for me to do so. I won’t be jumping in with both feet.
Right, stop getting freaked out, I tell myself with an eye roll. Just go see Serena, have some fun with her. Think of her as just a nice girl rather than someone who might become something.
I shake my head, refusing to look at myself any more and I leave my house. My home might not be too far away from Serena’s in distance, but in stature it’s the other end of the scale. She lives in a shared crappy apartment on a dodgy area, and I live in a huge town house, surrounded by other wealthy people.
We’re worlds apart, but not too different.
Usually I call a car to drive me to the club, I don’t like to walk, but tonight I thi
nk the fresh air might do me some good. I take a few, brisk, confident steps thinking that I will use the time to calm myself down... but then a better solution comes to me. In the car service I usually use they have a fully stocked bar. A few drinks will be so much better than walking.
Fuck it.
“Yo, Adam,” I say into the phone after hitting the first button in my speed dial list. Maybe having my car service as my most called number isn’t great, but I haven’t really thought about that until now. “I need a car, stat. Is that okay? From mine to CeeLow.”
“Sure. Someone will be with you in just a moment.”
I hang up the phone and take a few deep breaths. My eyes flicker upwards where I can see a few stars trying to make their way through the cracks. I’m sure in the countryside, maybe even in the small town where Serena grew up, there are endless stars in the sky. It probably looks beautiful, but it isn’t like that in the city. You have to sacrifice the stars to make it far in life. I wonder if Serena is happy with her decision...
I don’t know how she ended up as a shot girl, I don’t know why her friend suggested that job for her since it seems very awkward for her, but I’m glad that she did. Maybe that was meant to happen so we could meet one another, not that I’ve ever been one to believe in fate before. I don’t think that’s where she belongs though, I’m sure that there’s much more to her than that. Maybe that’s what I’ll try and find out tonight, what she wants from her life.
