by Helen Libby
‘I’ve got skin cancer!’ I hadn’t meant to say it like that, but I’ve got myself worked up about Will having his mates round yet again.
There’s an intake of breath from Will: ‘What did you say?’
‘I’ve got skin cancer, and all you can think about is arranging another lad’s night in!’ Maybe a tad unfair, but I don’t feel like being fair and rational at this point.
‘I didn’t know.’ Will is indignant. His cheeks are growing pinker by the second.
I have to admit I feel a bit guilty about not telling him straightaway, but I had my reasons. ‘I know; I’m sorry.’
He’s not happy when he when he discovers I’ve already had an excision biopsy. ‘I can’t believe you had that done on your own. Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘It wasn’t just you – I didn’t tell anyone.’ I feel so tired all of a sudden and slump onto the bed.
Will comes and sits next to me. ‘I’ll get rid of the lads.’ He takes one of my hands in his. ‘So what happens next?’
‘I need to have more skin removed.’
‘When?’
‘Soon.’
He puts his arm around me. ‘You’re going to be alright, Gem.’
I hope so, I really do.
Chapter Five
It’s Saturday, and a rare day off for me. I’m meeting my friend Kate in Chester. I speed up as I catch sight of her, sitting on a bench near the entrance to the cathedral. ‘Kate!’
‘Hiya.’
We hug.
‘You look pale. Are you okay?’ Kate’s forehead creases.
If only you knew, I think. ‘I’m fine.’ She’s such a worrier. How am I going to tell her about the skin cancer? Maybe I shouldn’t. But she’s my best friend; she’d be hurt if she found out some other way.
Linking arms, we walk along Foregate Street, dodging the market researchers with their clipboards along the way. I help Kate to choose a new pair of running trainers. Nothing takes my fancy – I’m not really in the mood for clothes shopping. I do take the opportunity to stock up on some new knickers from M&S. That’s about as exciting as it gets.
At around 1pm we start to make our way towards Bella Italia on Eastgate Street. We battle our way through the large group of Japanese tourists who have gathered by the wrought iron Eastgate Clock, clicking away on their cameras. I spy an artist on his knees working on a chalk painting. It reminds me of that scene in Mary Poppins. How wonderful it would be to be able to jump into a completely different world, one where nothing bad ever happens.
Inside the restaurant it’s noisy; every table is occupied, mostly by families with children. We both choose a burger Americano. Kate has a cappuccino, whilst I opt for a Diet Coke.
About half-way through eating I tell Kate about the skin cancer. Her eyes look suspiciously moist. I really hope she doesn’t cry on me.
‘Oh, Gemma. You poor thing.’ She puts her knife and fork down.
She looks so distressed that I reach out and pat her hand. ‘It’s not that bad. Hopefully once I’ve had the extra skin removed, that will be the end of it.’
‘But what if it isn’t?’
Try looking on the bright side, why don’t you? I nibble at a chip, and look around me. I’m glad the restaurant is busy. The buzzing activity provides something of a distraction. ‘I’ve got no choice but to keep positive.’
‘You don’t deserve this, Gemma. Why you?’
I’ve had similar thoughts. Why me? But why not me? Why should I be exempt? I want to say I’m too young to die, but that’s rubbish; people younger than me, kids and babies, die every day. It’s all wrong of course – not the natural order of things. Cancer can strike any one at any time. It doesn’t discriminate. And I’ve recently discovered that melanoma is disproportionately high in young people. At least two 15-34 year olds are being diagnosed with malignant melanoma every day in the UK. ‘It could be hereditary,’ is all I say.
‘Really?’ Kate tilts her head to one side. ‘Do you know anyone else who’s had it in your family?’
‘Nope.’ It’s a mystery. Mum and Dad can’t think of anyone.
Thankfully Kate resumes eating, looking thoughtful.
I always thought you could only get skin cancer through using sunbeds, or from being out in the sun too much and not protecting your skin. I never sunbathe, not even at home. A beach holiday doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. I much prefer sight-seeing and shopping! And I always apply factor fifty during the summer, even for short trips. Well, I’m going to apply sun cream all year round now. I can remember getting sunburn as a child. We didn’t use sun cream in those days. Have I got skin cancer because of that?
Kate brings me out of my reverie. ‘How’s Will?’
‘He’s fine.’ I sigh. Still the same old Will. When he’s not out with his mates, his mates are round at our house. Since I told him my news I thought we’d spend a bit more time together – just the two of us – but no.
‘Are you and Will okay?’
‘Of course we are.’ I smile. This is hard work, trying to reassure both Kate and myself that all is well in my world. Because it’s not, I know it’s not, and I’m not just talking about the skin cancer.
After we’ve finished eating we go our separate ways. I can’t spend any more time with Kate today. She’s so gloomy, but what did I expect? I’ve known her since we were 11 and she’s always been of the ‘glass is half empty’ variety.
***
A mass of fresh flowers have just been delivered. The glorious abundance of colours spread out before me are sparking zillions of ideas for designs, but first the flowers need to be treated. I’m just starting to strip thorns and leaves from the roses when Marie enters the workroom.
‘There’s someone here to see you, Gemma. You go – I’ll carry on with this.’ Marie pushes me towards the door.
‘Who is it?’
Marie shrugs. ‘No idea. I’ve never seen him before. Now go.’
It’s Leo! What’s he doing here? He’s looking at some orchids, moving from the exotic cerise phalaenopsis with deep green foliage leaves, to the delicate yellow oncidium, a spray orchid. The tiny flowers, which are shaped like sticky-out skirts, look even smaller when gently brushed by one of Leo’s fingers. Breathe. ‘Hello,’ I say softly.
Leo turns. ‘Hi.’
He’s smiling and I can’t help but respond. I position myself behind the counter - my safety net. ‘How’s your nephew doing?’
‘Oh, he’s fine, flourishing in fact.’ Leo grins and I’m mesmerised.
I’m supposed to be being business-like, so I grab a pen and notepad. ‘So, flowers. Who are they for this time?’ Are they for his girlfriend? My heart nosedives at the thought and I realise I’m chewing the end of the pen. Yuck.
‘I’m not here to buy flowers.’
A thrill runs through me. I daren’t look up.
‘Would you like to go out for a drink sometime?’
I’m ecstatic and gutted at the same time – if that’s possible. He likes me! Part of me – a large part of me if I’m being honest – wishes I was free to accept his offer, but I’m not free and I’m ashamed of myself for thinking like this.
I look up. ‘Leo, thank you for asking but . . .’ I so don’t want to do this, but I have to.
‘But? That doesn’t sound good.’ He’s frowning.
I straighten my shoulders. ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ I say, cringing.
‘Ah.’ The light in Leo’s eyes dims. ‘Well, I’m not surprised.’ He attempts a smile, which ends up as a half-smile. He backs away. ‘I’d better go. Bye, Gemma.’
‘Bye,’ I whisper, and then he’s gone.
I feel like I’ve lost something precious, which is silly. I’ve done the right thing, so why does it feel so bad? I need to get real, don’t I? So what if it isn’t all hearts and flowers with me and Will? I know Will inside and out, whilst I don’t know anything about Leo. It’s just a crush - nothing serious. I’ll get over him – I have to. Oh, w
hat’s wrong with me? I should have bigger priorities than my love life!
Chapter Six
Driving along Wrexham Road on my way home from work, a car pulls out of a junction; it’s heading straight toward me! There’s traffic on the other side of the road and so there’s nothing I can do. I brace myself for the impact. Bang! I’m shunted sideways and my car ends up straddling the white line in the middle of the road. I know I’ve got to get the car out of everyone’s way, but my hands are trembling so much I can’t seem to grip the steering wheel.
I jump as the door beside me opens suddenly. I look up, expecting to see the other driver. ‘Leo.’ Somehow it seems perfectly normal to see him here.
He kneels down on the road beside me. ‘Are you okay, Gemma?’
I manage a small smile. ‘I . . . I think so.’
There’s a man standing behind Leo holding a piece of paper and a pen. He has a lump on his forehead. I should be angry – I mean, how could he not have seen me? Instead, I feel numb.
Leo places his bike on the pavement and dashes back to me. ‘Come on.’
He helps me out of the car. My legs are like jelly. He puts an arm round my shoulders and walks me over to the bus shelter. Once he’s sat me down he moves my car with its freshly dented passenger door to the bus lane. The other driver has done the same with his car; its bonnet is crumpled a little. We exchange details. He doesn’t say much and he’s soon gone; the traffic continues to flow. Leo holds me close and the trembling subsides.
Pulling away – albeit reluctantly - I look up at Leo who is staring at me intensely. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I was on my way home. I’m a journalist at The Leader.’
He works just down the road from here. I store away this piece of precious information. ‘I, I’d better go. Thanks for your help.’ I stand up and the trembling begins anew.
Leo also stands ‘I could drive you home if you like.’
‘But what about your bike?’
‘Damn! I forgot about that.’ He scratches his head. ‘How about I follow you home then, check you’re alright?’
Somehow I manage to drive home. Leo follows me inside. Will isn’t home yet. ‘I’d better ring my insurance company.’
He nods. ‘I’ll make a drink, shall I?’
I show him where the kitchen is and then ring the insurance company. My car will be picked up tomorrow morning and they’ll also arrange for me to have a courtesy car. I ring Will next, only to discover he’s in the pub with his mates.
‘Gem, I can’t come just yet. It’s my round.’
I feel a surge of anger yet I remain silent. I can’t bear arguments.
‘It’s no big deal is it? You’re not hurt and the car can be fixed. We’ll talk later. Listen, I’d better go.’ He ends the call.
I shake my head in disbelief and sink down onto the sofa. You’ve hurt me, Will, I think. I’m still holding the handset when Leo returns. He gently removes the phone from my hand and places it back on its cradle.
‘He’s not coming.’ I feel so let down. Am I wrong to? Is this how other men would behave?
Leo places a mug of hot tea in my hand. ‘Drink up.’
The tea is sickly sweet, but with each sip I can feel myself calming down. It’s dusk. Leo draws the curtains and switches on a lamp. He’s been so kind to me and whilst I’m loathe to let him go, I know he can’t stay. It wouldn’t be right. As he sits down beside me, I place a hand on his arm. ‘Leo, I’ll be alright now. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.’
‘I could make you something to eat.’
I’m touched. ‘I’m not hungry, but thanks for the offer.’ He’s so thoughtful, but it’s Will who should be here looking after me.
‘You’re very pale, Gemma. I’m not happy leaving you like this. Perhaps I should wait until your…’
I think I hear a sharp intake of breath.
‘…boyfriend gets back.’
‘No!’ I smile to soften my tone. ‘Honestly, I’m fine. I’m stronger than I look.’ I flex my arm and he smiles. I really don’t want Will and Leo to meet, not that there’s much danger of that as Will’s still in the pub, but you never know, he could still do the decent thing.
‘If you’re sure.’ Leo kisses my cheek. ‘I’ll see myself out.’
I sit on the sofa for a long time, holding my cheek. The later it gets, and the longer Will stays away, the colder I get, both inside and out. I go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes, normally blue-grey, appear grey tonight. Oh, where is Will?
I go back downstairs. It’s 11pm. I’m so tired and my neck is stiffening up. I really want to go to bed, but I’m determined to wait up for Will. I can’t believe how thoughtless he is, or should that be selfish? I’d have gone to him if the situation was reversed. I get up off the sofa and pace the living room. He must be on his way by now.
Soon I’m back on the sofa, dozing. I wake up with a start when I hear a key turn in the front door. Seconds later Will’s leaning over me.
‘You alright, Gem?’ he slurs.
Eww! He reeks of lager. I push him away and he stumbles. ‘How do you think?’
‘Don’t be like that, babe. Come here.’ He tries to put his arms round me, but I can’t relax into his embrace.
‘I needed you earlier on, Will.’ He’s let me down. It’s not as if there was an important reason why he couldn’t come home straightaway. I mean, he was out with his mates whom he sees most nights. He put them - and a booze fest - first.
‘I’m here now.’
‘You’re too bloody late.’ I stand up. ‘You can sleep on the sofa tonight.’
Will struggles to stand up. ‘You’re over-reacting. It’s not as if you were badly hurt.’ I can’t resist slapping his face.
Needless to say I don’t sleep very well. My neck aches, but it could be worse. Thoughts of the accident, the skin cancer, Will and Leo whirl round in my mind.
I pretend to be asleep when Will comes into the bedroom the following morning looking for a clean shirt. I can sense him hovering over me, and when he’s gone I see he’s left me a cup of tea. I think he is sorry – and so he should be – but I’m not ready to carry on as normal with him just yet. I need to give our relationship some serious thought.
Chapter Seven
The following evening I gaze in delight at the bunch of gorgeous deep pink peonies on the kitchen worktop; they’re my favourite. Will is leaning against the cupboard, his arms folded against his chest. I’m aware that he doesn’t look happy, but I’m too drawn to the plump, layered beauties to care. He’s finally bought me flowers, I think. They must be to say sorry. I cup one of the buds in my hand and stroke a petal reverentially.
‘Who the hell is Leo?’
I jump and stare at Will, nonplussed. ‘What?’
Will waves a tiny card in front of my face. I snatch it from him.
To Gemma,
Hope you’re feeling better. Enjoy the flowers.
Leo
I’m floored; Leo has bought me flowers! I want to look at the card in private, but one look at Will’s thunderous face tells me I can’t do that.
‘He’s the guy who ran into me. We exchanged details.’ I can hardly tell Will that Leo is a customer - one who asked me out!
Will relaxes his stance a little. ‘That’s okay then.’ He strides out of the kitchen.
‘Will!’
He reappears. ‘What?’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Out.’
He turns to go. I think about calling him back again, but say nothing. Things would have been different if he’d bought me the flowers. I’m not being superficial; I know that flowers wouldn’t have patched up our relationship, but they’d have helped me to know that Will truly cares. He’s such a pig. He doesn’t seem to care that I’ve had an accident, when I think I’m entitled to a little TLC.
The intoxicating aroma of the peonies makes me heady. I’m not used to being given flowers – only
delivering them. Another man has bought me flowers. Speaks volumes, doesn’t it? Why then do I feel so guilty? I can’t help the fact that Leo bought me flowers. I turned him down. Yes, I have a crush on him, but it will fade in time – it has to if I’m ever going to be able to get things back on track with Will. The question is, do I want to?
***
I’m standing at the shop counter having just taken a phone order, when I see Leo’s rangy figure approach. Cue deep intake of breath. ‘Leo! What are you doing here?’ My heart’s racing.
‘I wanted to see how you are.’
‘I’m fine, thanks.’ Apart from my ping-pong emotions, that is.
‘Sure?’ His eyes roam my face. I can feel the tell-tale heat in my cheeks.
‘Sure.’ I smile, as does he. He has a lovely smile, which warms his pale green eyes.
‘I’m…’
‘Thank you again for the flowers.’
‘I’m glad you liked them. I was just going to say, I’m on my way to interview someone. They live in Chester.’
‘Oh, right.’ Why can’t I think of anything more interesting to say?
‘I was wondering if you’d be free to meet me for lunch. I should be finished around twelve.’
‘I’d love to.’ I don’t even have to think about it. Does that make me a bad person?
‘Great.’ He suggests meeting at a pub nearby and we swap mobile numbers.
‘I’ll see you there.’
Once he’s gone I have an attack of guilt. I know Will and I aren’t getting on very well at the moment, but he’s still my boyfriend. On the other hand, Leo has become a friend, and it’s only lunch. Except - I bite my lip - maybe I’d like him to be more than a friend. And what is Leo’s agenda? He knows I’m not single. This is all wrong, and yet my feelings for Leo feel so right. What am I going to do? I can’t even blame it on the accident. I felt like this before. The way Leo was with me after the accident, well, it’s just intensified my feelings.
I can’t meet Leo for lunch, not feeling for him the way I do. It wouldn’t be fair to him, or to Will. Do Will and I have a future? I don’t know. One thing I do know is that I’m not free to go to lunch with Leo.
