by Helen Libby
I text Leo and after I’ve pressed “send” I hold the phone in my hand. Have I done the right thing? I think so, so why do I feel so crap? I know nothing can happen between me and Leo, and I also know I’m supposed to be being positive, but it’s hard sometimes; I’m only human.
Chapter Eight
‘Let’s have a baby.’
I gawp at Will’s expectant face, swallowing the piece of steak I was chewing on faster than I intended to. Spluttering, I reach for my glass of water. When Will suggested we go out for dinner, I thought it was his way of making it up to me after the accident. To say I’m shocked is an understatement. Where has this come from? Will has never expressed any interest in having kids before. He’s too much of a kid himself! As for me, I do want kids one day but I don’t know if I want to have them with Will. ‘You can’t be serious.’
Will leans forward. ‘Think about it, Gem. We’ve got our own place, decent jobs. We’re solid. What’s to stop us having a baby?’
Okay, I have definitely lost my appetite. I don’t think we are solid, but I can’t bring myself to discuss our relationship right at this moment. ‘I’m due to have an operation soon. I can’t concentrate on anything else.’
Will is instantly contrite. ‘Sorry, Gem. I should have thought.’
Yes, you should have, I think, but I say nothing. What I do do is ring Kate as soon as I get home, leaving Will to catch up on some football highlights.
‘Can I come and stay with you?’
‘Yes, of course, but you know you’d have to sleep on the sofa?’
‘I know, don’t worry. It won’t be for long. I just need a bit of time to think – away from Will.’ And here my voice cracks. What Will said earlier has brought things to a head. It’s over, I know that deep down, but I can’t bring myself to say it, not yet.
‘Don’t cry. You’ll sort things out with Will.’
I shake my head miserably, then realise she can’t see me. ‘I don’t think so, Kate.’
‘Because of the baby thing?’
‘No, I think our relationship has run its course. I’m not in love with Will any more. I love him like a brother. The passion’s gone.’ I hadn’t been quite ready to end it, but Will has brought things to a head.
‘Don’t make any rash decisions.’
I want her to tell me everything’s going to be alright, that I’m going to be alright, but she can’t. No one can.
***
I tell Will I’m leaving.
‘Is this about the baby idea? Gem, it’s cool if you want to wait.’ He laughs. ‘Maybe I’m not ready for the sleepless nights and cleaning up sick.’
‘It’s not just about the baby…’
‘I know what this is all about! You want to get married right? Well, why not?’ Will drops to his knees. My heart sinks as he takes hold of my hands. To think I used to dream of him proposing. ‘Will you marry me, Gemma Jones?’ Will’s earnest blue eyes are fixed on my face. His grin fades as the silence continues.
I concentrate on the reassuring tick-tock of the clock, trying to find the right words. Are there any? ‘I can’t marry you, Will,’ I say softly. ‘I’m sorry.’ I hate hurting him, but there’s no other way.
He gets up. ‘So you don’t want to have a baby with me, and you don’t want to marry me. What do you want, Gemma?’ He folds his arms.
I wince at his tone. ‘It’s not working – you and me.’
‘It was and it can again. That’s why we should get married.’
I wring my hands. ‘Getting married isn’t going to fix things, Will. I love you, but I’m not in love with you.’
‘What does that even mean?’ He grips me by the shoulders. ‘I love you, Gem. This is just a blip. You’re not thinking straight because of the skin cancer.’
Actually I think I’m thinking more clearly than I have in years. ‘But are you in love with me, Will, really? Aren’t we more like brother and sister?’
Will’s eyes are wide and imploring. ‘We’ve been together for four years, Gem, and we’re a bit older now. Of course the passion has faded, but I can’t imagine life without you. You’re one of the fixtures and fittings.’ He grins.
‘We can have more than that, Will, but with other people.’
His smile falters. ‘Is there someone else?’
‘Yes,’ I say, tears streaming down my cheeks. Will’s face blanches. ‘Not in the way you think. He’s a customer; he asked me out.’
Will explodes: ‘Who the hell does he think he is? You’re my girlfriend.’
‘I told him I was with someone.’
‘Good of you,’ Will sneers.
‘Don’t be like that.’
‘Don’t be like what? I’m entitled to be pissed off when some bloke hits on my girlfriend! Hang on a minute, he sent you those flowers, didn’t he?’ Will’s face is very red. I nod. ‘You lied to me.’
It’s the first time I’ve ever lied to Will. ‘I’m sorry.’ I hang my head.
‘What about the operation? This isn’t a good time for you to be alone.’
I look up sharply. ‘That’s a low blow, Will.’
He takes a step towards me, then stops. ‘I know, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe it’s over.’
I soften. ‘It’s the right decision, Will, you know it deep down.’
He stares at me. ‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he says eventually, ‘but we could have rubbed along together.’
‘I don’t want to just “rub” along.’ I don’t know whether anything will ever happen with Leo, but staying with Will just because it’s safe wouldn’t be right for either of us.
Will nods, then grips me fiercely. I hug him back. We stay like that for ages. Eventually he releases me and strides out of the room, leaving me in bits.
Chapter Nine
‘How did Will take it?’
I wander over to the French windows, which overlook the canal. ‘It was horrible. He was shocked at first. Then he got angry. He was trying not to cry at the end.’ I feel so sad whenever I think about it.
‘Poor Will, and poor you. Any regrets?’ Kate’s forehead wrinkles and she fiddles with her long brunette hair.
I take a seat beside her on her small sofa. ‘Plenty.’ I sigh.
My friend turns to me, an eager expression on her face. ‘You could still get back together.’
‘I’m just…it’s so sad.’ I take a sip of the red wine Kate produced when I first arrived.
Kate shakes her head. ‘You’ve been together for years. It’s a shame you’ve split up now. Surely you need Will more than ever.’
‘What are you getting at?’ I don’t need this from her.
‘Well, the skin cancer; it’s not a good time for you to be alone.’
‘For goodness sake! Not you as well. Can’t you be more positive?’ I know this isn’t the best time to break up with my long-term partner, but I can’t wait until after the operation. I can’t use Will. I can’t live a lie.
I jump up, almost spilling my wine in the process, and pace the small living area. If Kate persists in being so negative I’m really going to lose my temper. I take a deep breath and put the TV on. Coronation Street’s just starting - excellent. I turn back to my friend. ‘I’ll be fine,’ I say firmly. ‘After all, I’ve got you, haven’t I? And my parents.’ It would be nice to have Leo by my side too, but there’s no chance of that.
Kate nods, but I can see the uncertainty in her eyes. She doesn’t say anything though; wisely she bites her lip instead.
‘Shall I dish up?’ I ask brightly. Without waiting for an answer I go to rescue our meal. The lasagne is a bit burnt around the edges, but that’s okay; I like the crusty bits. I smile to myself. I came to the wrong place if I wanted cheering up, but Kate’s place is just a temporary bolthole until I decide what I’m going to do next.
***
I go to work even earlier than usual, beating Marie, who always starts work at 7.30am. By the time she’s arrived I’m absorbed in putting together a classic f
uneral posy consisting of one large-headed white rose surrounded by lemon Asiatic lilies, alstroemeria and spray chrysanthemums. I look up. Marie’s eyebrows are raised. ‘What?’
‘You’re an early bird.’
As if my normal 8am start is late! I shrug. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’ Not surprising is it? For starters, it’s strange being at Kate’s. Sleeping on a sofa bed is nowhere near as comfortable as the king-size bed I previously shared with Will. And I can’t help but worry about Will, and the operation, on the subject of which . . . ‘Marie, I need to take some time off soon, a week, maybe two.’
‘Well, you’ve hardly taken any leave so far this year, so fine. Are you going away?’
I wish. ‘No, I’m…having an operation.’ Marie had to know sooner or later.
She fixes me with a penetrating stare. ‘Okay, missy, fill me in.’ She perches on a stool next to me.
And so I tell Marie about my having skin cancer, and then about leaving Will. We don’t often share confidences, but I can’t help it today; it just spills out.
Marie doesn’t flinch. ‘That’s a lot to take in,’ she says slowly, ‘especially before 9am.’ She raises her eyebrows and I look up at the clock. It’s still only 8.30am. I smile.
‘That’s better. And now I think it’s time for a cuppa.’
I feel a bit better. Marie doesn’t say a lot – it’s not her style, but it’s good to talk to someone neutral.
She pats my shoulder as she hands me my tea. I’m surprised, as she isn’t usually a touchy feely person. ‘You’re very brave, Gemma.’
Brave? Me? I don’t think so. All I can do is to follow my heart, skin cancer or not.
***
I’ve mostly worked fourteen hour days this week. We’re up to our necks with wedding orders. I haven’t seen all that much of Kate this week, which is probably a good thing because she seems to be more worried about the operation than I am! It’s been good to be so busy as it means I haven’t had any time to think. I feel guilty about taking time off. It’s bad timing, but Marie’s going to employ a temp., and I plan to return to work as soon as possible.
Now it’s Sunday and what a beautiful day it is. The brilliant blue sky remains unmarked by clouds. There’s a light breeze which thankfully tempers the heat. I go to Loggerheads and walk alongside the river, lost in my thoughts.
‘Gemma.’
I whirl round. It’s Leo. ‘Hi,’ I say, desperately trying to remain calm on the outside at least.
‘Hi.’ He gazes at me. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine, thanks. You?’
‘I’m good. Mind if I walk with you?’
‘Feel free.’ That sounded casual, didn’t it? I’m delighted to see Leo, to have him walk with me, but I’ve only just broken up with Will and besides, Leo’s already been rejected by me once. Will he take another chance on me? Do I want him to? Silly question!
In silence - but it’s a good silence if you know what I mean - we go as far as the Leete Path, then turn back.
Leo clears his throat. ‘Would you like to go to The Rainbow for lunch?’ I pause. ‘Sorry, I bet you’ve already made plans with your boyfriend.’
I grasp the opportunity: ‘Will and I broke up. I’ve moved out.’ I can’t look at Leo as I say this.
‘When did that happen?’
‘Just over a week ago.’ I finally meet his eyes and feel myself melting into those glowing depths.
He’s looking at me intently. ‘That must have been tough.’
I nod, and make up my mind; friends can do lunch can’t they? ‘I’d like to go for lunch.’
He grins, and I beam right back. There’s a sparkling connection between us. Oh God! I really, really like him.
We walk to the cosy pub complete with exposed wooden beams and a slate floor, where we both choose a roast beef dinner. As I eat, I wonder whether to tell Leo about the skin cancer, but I’m reluctant for anything to spoil today. When we part, Leo says that he hopes he’ll see me at Loggerheads again sometime. And it’s a perfect way to leave things. If anything is going to happen between me and Leo, then we can take it slowly. I don’t know when I’ll next see him, but I’m sure it won’t be too long before I do, and I’m glad. It’s the one bright spot on what feels like a dark canvas. I feel like my life has been split into two parts – before and after the operation. I can’t wait to get to the other side.
Chapter Ten
A dressing covers the part of my leg where the wide local excision was carried out. Again it was done under local anaesthetic. My leg feels tender, but the main thing is it’s over and I’m back on the ward. I just hope that’s the end of it, but I’ll have to wait until I have a check up to see if I’ve got the all clear.
I doze, and each time I wake either Mum, Dad or Kate (or all three), are sitting round the bed. Marie pops in at tea time. I’d love to feel Leo’s arms around me, but he doesn’t even know I’m here. At 7.30pm I’m told I can go home. I’m staying at my parents’ house for a few days whilst I recover. I go straight to bed when I get there. All I want to do is sleep.
***
Having skin cancer has given me a huge wake-up call. Why haven’t I been more appreciative of life? Why has it taken being ill to open my eyes? Why haven’t I done more, seen more? I’ve been coasting, playing it too safe, always thinking I’ve got plenty of time. What if I haven’t? Things have got to change. In bed later that night, I work on my very own bucket list:
1. Go to New York.
2. Celebrate my 30th Birthday.
3. Start my own business.
4. Go on the London Eye.
5. Walk up Mount Snowdon.
6. Learn to dance.
7. Get a dog.
8. See the Northern Lights.
9. Read all of Jane Austen’s novels.
10. Roller blade.
I’m ashamed I haven’t done some of the things on my list before, like going on the London Eye or going up Mount Snowdon. Of course there’s the not insignificant problem of how I’m going to finance my trips abroad, not to mention a business, but I’ll find the money somehow – I’m determined. It feels good to have goals.
Chapter Eleven
I return to Kate’s a few days later. When my friend arrives home I greet her with a big hug; ‘I’ve made a shepherd’s pie for tea. Shall I dish it up now? I don’t know about you but I’m starving.’ Kate smiles and follows me through to the kitchenette. My pie looks and smells delicious. I laugh as Kate’s stomach rumbles.
‘You shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble, Gemma. We could have had a takeaway to celebrate your first night back.’
‘Oh, it was no trouble,’ I say brightly. ‘Besides, I need to keep busy.’
We take our drinks and meals on trays into the lounge, and plonk ourselves down onto the sofa. I’m wearing a short, loose skirt partly because we’re having a mini-heat-wave, but also because I’m finding trousers too tight at the moment due to the dressing on my leg. I note Kate glance at it, shudder, then look away. Nice. It’s not infectious! I sigh. Kate can’t help it. ‘So, tell me about work.’
Kate chats about the goings-on in the council’s finance department. ‘So, when are you planning on going back to work?’
‘Monday.’ I beam. ‘I can’t wait to get back to normal.’
Kate’s jaw drops. ‘Isn’t that a bit soon?’
‘Oh, I’m fine, just a bit sore that’s all.’
Kate shakes her head. ‘If you can call having skin cancer normal.’
My fork clatters to the floor. Kate looks down at it, then at me. Her eyes fill with tears. ‘I’m sorry, Gemma. It’s just, I’ve been so worried.’
I pull her to me. ‘It’s okay, Kate. I understand.’ I do understand, I really do, but I have to look after myself and I don’t think staying here is doing me any good. I’m grateful to Kate, but I need to get my own place.
***
‘So, what have I missed?’ I can’t help but do a little skip round the workroom.
�
�Not a lot. You’ve only been off for a week.’ Marie shakes her head, but she’s smiling.
‘I’m so glad to be back. I just want to get back to normal.’ My fingers trail the abundance of flowers, a delivery of which Marie is trying to check.
‘Well, it’s good to have you back,’ my boss says gruffly as she bends to unpack another crate.
I inhale the scent of a freesia. Mmm…gorgeous. Over a cuppa and one of my mum’s gorgeous fairy cakes - a tub of which I brought into work - I confide in Marie: ‘A customer asked me out.’ I’ve been dying to talk to someone about Leo. I doubt Mum would understand - she’s too fond of Will - whilst Kate would only worry.
Marie raises an eyebrow. ‘And you’re asking me if it’s okay to date a customer?’
I have to grin at that. ‘No! I already know I can’t date him, and not because he’s a customer.’
Marie dunks a bit of cake into her tea. ‘Why not? You don’t need anyone’s permission.’
‘But I’ve only just broken up with Will. It’s too soon.’
‘Sometimes you can’t help the timing.’
‘Then there’s the skin cancer.’
‘And it’s precisely because of the skin cancer that you need to act, Gemma. You’re making excuses. You owe it to yourself to find out if this guy is all you think he is. Crikey, Gemma, it’s not as if I’m saying marry him. Have some fun, you deserve it.’
I shake my head at that. ‘I don’t. I’ve really hurt Will.’
‘He’ll get over it. If you don’t love him then you’ve done him a favour in the long run.’
I give Marie a brief hug. ‘Thanks for listening.’
‘Are you going to contact this guy?’
‘I’ll think about it.’ I still think it’s too soon. Just the thought of seeing him again is lovely, and one which warms my heart whenever I’m feeling scared or lonely.
The morning passes quickly. I stay mainly behind the scenes, only covering the counter for Marie at lunchtime. I’m taken aback to see Leo striding in. I must have conjured him up by talking about him. I take a deep breath. Be still my beating heart and all that.
