Follow Me Back

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Then I’d tell you that it was time you figured out who you are on your own. That you can’t base your future on something that won’t happen. Because you and me, Maxx, we’re over. We have been for a while now.” I knew I didn’t sound as convincing as I wanted to. Damn it!

  Maxx shook his head. “You don’t mean that. I won’t let you mean that.”

  “You won’t let me?” I scoffed. “I don’t think you have much of a choice in the matter.”

  “We always have a choice, Aubrey. And this time, mine is you. I know you need me to prove to you that things will be different. That I’m different. I also know it’ll take time. I’m going to work on being patient. And even though every fiber of my body wants to drag you back to my apartment where I can spend the entire day showing you exactly how much I love you, I’ll wait. Until you’re ready.” Maxx’s eyes heated and burned into mine. He reached out and softly stroked his finger along the length of my face, and I flinched. He dropped his hand instantly.

  “I won’t give up on us, Aubrey. I can’t,” he said with a promise.

  That’s what I’m worried about, I thought, but didn’t say out loud.

  “I’ve got to go,” I said again, needing to leave. Needing to flee.

  Maxx didn’t say another word, but I knew without having to look that he watched me as I hurried down the path toward my class and away from him.

  chapter

  fourteen

  maxx

  i wasn’t lying when I told Aubrey that I was screwed. Because I was royally and truly fucked. Before I had gone into rehab I had been on the cusp of flunking out of LU. My adviser, the pretentious prick extraordinaire Dr. Ramsay, had been all too eager to let me know how much I had messed up.

  It seemed that most of my financial aid was contingent on my GPA, and with my previous grades and my ultimate withdrawal from my classes for the semester, the university had pulled the scholarships and grants I depended on to pay for school. Without them, I couldn’t afford to stay on at Longwood University.

  “You can make an appointment with the financial aid office and find out if you are eligible for any other types of assistance. But, Maxx, given your academic record, you will be hard-pressed to find much out there to help you. I warned you months ago that you were perilously close to losing your financial aid. It’s a shame you didn’t take my warnings seriously,” Dr. Ramsay said, and I wanted to punch that self-satisfied smirk right off his face.

  The old Maxx would have knocked some shit off his desk and threatened to shove his stapler up his ass, then gone straight back to his apartment to get as fucked up as humanly possible. I started to pick at my jeans, trying to distract myself from the almost overwhelming desire to get loaded. Did I still have any pills left in the apartment? I was pretty sure I had an in case of emergencies stash somewhere. Where the hell would I have put them?

  I found myself sitting there, thinking about all the places I could have left some drugs. In the back of my closet? Nah, I’d cleared that out months ago. In the bottom of my top drawer? Maybe. I tended to lose a lot of stuff among my socks. Under my bed? In the couch cushions? In the medicine cabinet?

  I barely heard Dr. Ramsay when he said my name. “Mr. Demelo, did you hear me?”

  “Yeah, I get the picture. My days at Longwood University are officially over. You’ve made that crystal fucking clear,” I said, getting to my feet.

  Dr. Ramsay looked taken aback by my venom. “That’s not at all what I said, Maxx. You could still have options.”

  “Look, Dr. Ramsay, I know I messed up. I own that. I accept that I wasted this opportunity. Now I just have to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life.”

  “Mr. Demelo, I understand you’re upset. But let me call over to the financial aid office, see if I can get you an appointment this afternoon,” he said, picking up his phone. I was surprised he was making the effort, but he needn’t bother. One thing was obvious. I had never been cut out for college, no matter how much I had hoped that being at Longwood would lead me to something better.

  I had been playing the role of student to fulfill some crackpot promise I felt that I owed my dead parents. I had thought by getting a degree I could prove that I could do something right and that Landon wasn’t completely misguided in his hero worship. But was I ready to give up on a dream that had never been mine to begin with? Could I let go of that last shred of the Maxx I had been trying so hard to be?

  Even though I was angry and wanted nothing more than to tell Dr. Ramsay and Longwood University where to shove it, I swallowed my pride and nodded. “Sure, that would be great,” I said.

  Dr. Ramsay lifted the phone to his ear and spoke to someone on the other end. After a few moments he hung up and wrote something down on a sticky note and passed it to me: Leah Fletcher @ 2:30.

  “They may be able to help, but the rest will be on you. You’ve got to come back next semester ready to work. Otherwise all of this will have been a waste of both of our time,” Dr. Ramsay said, pursing his lips.

  “Well, I wouldn’t want to be a waste of anyone’s time,” I muttered, stuffing the slip of paper into my pocket.

  I had a few hours until my meeting at the financial aid office and I didn’t want to go back to the apartment. I knew that being alone right now was the worst thing I could do. In rehab I was always surrounded by people, whether I wanted to be or not. Now I realized that had kept me from thinking too much about the very thing that had put me there in the first place.

  The lull was the most dangerous time for me. Because when I was alone, I would think. Then I’d want to stop thinking. Stop hurting. And the only way I knew to do that was to use. To take so many pills that my mind would go blank and my heart would go numb.

  God, I missed it. I missed the perfect moment when the drugs hit my system and I stopped feeling altogether. Because feeling meant bleeding. And I was almost bled dry. So I headed to the library and figured I’d use the time to get on the computer and start looking for a job.

  I had a mountain of bills stacked on the counter, unopened. I still had some money, but it wouldn’t last long. It seemed my drug-dealing lifestyle wasn’t profitable enough to pay my bills and support my habit while saving for that rainy day. I was damn close to being completely broke.

  The library was busy and the low buzz of conversation was exactly what I needed. I found an available computer and sat down. After fumbling around for my wallet, I found my student ID card and typed in the seven-digit number by my name.

  I browsed local newspapers for job listings online. After a few minutes it became obvious that my options were severely limited. I didn’t possess much in the way of a skill set, though I wondered if my drug-dealing past could be construed as “marketing and sales.” I snickered to myself as I thought about how I’d explain that during an interview.

  The more I clicked through Web sites, the more frustrated I became. Unless I wanted to spend my days slinging fast food, I was out of luck. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I pulled it out, seeing another text message from Marco. I was surprised he hadn’t come pounding on my door. But I had a feeling he had already done that. And not finding me, he had resorted to phone stalking.

  I didn’t know how long I could get away with avoiding him. Marco was my oldest friend and my link to that world I was trying to leave behind. And I knew that if I called him back, the temptation to return to my old job would be too hard to resist. So I erased the text without reading it.

  “Maxx! Hey!” I glanced up at a pretty girl with long black hair who looked vaguely familiar. She was smiling at me like we definitely knew each other. And she knew my name, so our having some sort of connection was obvious.

  I wondered absently if we had fucked. I sure as hell hoped not. The last thing I needed was a stage-ten clinger.

  “Hey,” I said noncommittally.

  The girl pulled up a chair and sat down beside me, ignoring the annoyed look from th
e guy who sat at the computer beside me as she squished herself into the small space. “Where the hell have you been? Group has been such a snooze without you there!” she exclaimed, and it dawned on me that she must be in the addictions support group on campus.

  I looked at the girl again and tried to remember her name, but it just wasn’t coming to me. She must have sensed my lack of recognition, because her face fell a bit. “It’s Lisa. Remember? I sat beside you every week.”

  “Oh, yeah, Lisa. Hey, how’ve you been?” I asked, not really caring.

  “Not so good. Twyla got busted last week for having a bottle of Oxi in her room. Her parents pulled her out of school,” Lisa said, and I tried to remember who Twyla was.

  “Oh, well, that sucks,” I said, turning my attention back to the computer screen as I scanned the want ads.

  “Yeah, it really does, now I don’t have a roommate. So anyway, where have you been? Are you not coming to group anymore?” she asked, and I was three seconds away from telling her to take a hike.

  “Nope,” I answered shortly, grabbing a pen from the cup on the desk and writing down a few numbers of jobs that could have potential.

  “I understand, it’s so boring. Kristie has a new guy in there helping out now that Aubrey is gone. And he sucks even worse than she did.”

  Her flippant comment caught my attention. “Wait, Aubrey’s not helping out in the group anymore?” I asked.

  Lisa’s eyes widened. “Oh, that’s right! You guys were involved! But you’re not anymore, right?” she asked, frowning slightly.

  How the hell did this chick know that Aubrey and I had been together? Aubrey had gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that no one ever found out. Hell, I was hammered in the head over and over again about how bad it would be if anyone ever knew. It had never occurred to me that Aubrey had to face any repercussions as a result of our relationship. “What are you talking about?” I demanded, not confirming or denying what Lisa was saying.

  “So, it’s not true? Twyla had told me that she heard you two were together and that’s why Aubrey wasn’t helping out anymore. Got kicked out or something. Whatever, she was way too straight edge. Don’t you remember how she flipped out on Kyle?”

  I got to my feet so abruptly that my chair was knocked over. I didn’t bother to pick it up as I left.

  chapter

  fifteen

  aubrey

  after Boundaries and Ethics class, I ended up blowing off the rest of my day. My run-in with Maxx that morning had rattled me, and all I wanted was a bubble bath and to rearrange my closet. I needed to get my equilibrium back. I was proud that I’d been able to walk away with my head and heart intact, but I still felt unsettled.

  Renee was in class until early evening, so I had the place to myself. I turned my music on, blasting old-school Nine Inch Nails and pulling all of my shoes and sweaters out of my closet. I was knee-deep in shoeboxes when the doorbell chimed. I stood up and wiped my dusty hands on my jeans, pulled my stringy hair into a low bun, and headed out to the living room. The doorbell rang again and I growled in frustration. “Hold your horses,” I muttered as I turned the lock and opened the door, not bothering to look through the peephole.

  And then I froze. I should have known walking away from Maxx had been too easy.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked shortly, thinking about shutting the door in his face.

  He frowned, the lines between his eyebrows deepening. “We need to talk.”

  “Well, I’m sort of busy—” I began, but Maxx cut me off. He stepped forward, forcing me to back up and let him into the apartment.

  He shut the door behind him and stared at me with an intensity that made my stomach drop into my scuffed sneakers.

  “No. We need to talk now,” he said, his words strong and brooking no argument.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and leveled my hardest glare in his direction.

  “Uh, excuse me? Where do you get off?” I fumed.

  Maxx closed his eyes, clearly frustrated.

  Well, that makes two of us, buddy.

  Maxx opened his eyes again, the blue blazing with a ferocity that made me take another step back. “What happened after I went to rehab?”

  Huh?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.

  Maxx advanced toward me and I backed up until my legs hit the side of the couch and I was forced to sit down on the arm, a position that gave him too much of an advantage, but I couldn’t move.

  “You’re not leading the support group anymore. Why?” he asked, his words clipped and harsh, as though the thought really pissed him off.

  Why would he be angry about whether or not I was facilitating that stupid support group anymore?

  “Why?” I snipped. I leaned back, trying to get some distance, but I was in danger of sliding down the arm of the couch and onto my back. That inelegant move would have made me look even more ridiculous than I already felt.

  “Can you give me a little space here? You’re making me feel claustrophobic,” I said, holding my hands out, making sure not to touch him.

  Maxx looked at the shrinking space between us and muttered, “Sorry.”

  “Can I sit down?” he asked, looking suddenly unsure. For all of his bluster only moments before when he had barged into my apartment, his confidence seemed to have waned.

  “Sure, it’s not like I’m going to be able to make you leave, am I?” I threw back at him.

  Maxx winced and I felt a little bad for being so hateful. But only a little.

  “I didn’t mean to just march over here like this. But I heard some stuff today and I needed to see you. To hear from you that it wasn’t true. Because if it is true, God, if it is . . .” He trailed off and stared at me again, his eyes wide and suddenly anguished.

  I felt that uncontrollable pull toward him again. But I ignored it. It was a matter of survival to pretend it didn’t exist at all.

  “You’re not making a whole lot of sense, Maxx,” I said wearily. He seemed . . . tortured, and that need to take care of him reared its traitorous head. It took everything inside of me to not pull him close and hold him the way I would have done without reservation once before.

  “I heard—” He stopped abruptly and swallowed audibly before speaking again. “I heard that you were kicked out or something. I didn’t get the whole story. But I heard it was because of me. Because of us. That you got in trouble as a result of our relationship. Is that true?”

  Maxx’s insistence irritated me. I was unsettled having him here, in my space like this. He enveloped. Took over. Consumed.

  “Why would it matter if it were true?” I asked sharply in an attempt to hide my unease.

  Maxx covered his face with his hands and scrubbed his fingers down his cheeks as he raised his head to meet my eyes.

  “Because the last thing I have ever wanted was for you to be brought down with me. I never wanted what I was, what I chose to do, to impact your life like that.”

  “Are you serious?” I scoffed.

  Maxx reared back as though I had slapped him. “Yes, I’m serious!”

  “Because if you ever thought for one second that your habit . . . that who you are,” I spat out, “wouldn’t affect me, then you were even more deluded than I thought.” Maxx opened his mouth as if to argue, but I shook my head, cutting him off.

  “C’mon, Maxx! I loved you! We were together! We made the decision to share our lives, for whatever that was worth. I warned you about the risks for both of us! But I made my bed and now I’m lying in it. Because that’s life, Maxx. When we make bad decisions, we have to deal with the fallout!” I yelled. I was getting worked up. I couldn’t help it.

  “I know there are consequences, Aubrey! I’m one big, walking consequence! You think I don’t realize that? But, God, I never meant for any of this to happen!” We were both breathing rapidly. Maxx’s face was flushed and his eyes were a little wild. I knew that I must look the same way.

  �
�I need to make this right. For you. For us,” he stated emphatically.

  I shook my head. “There is no us, Maxx. I told you that,” I said tiredly.

  Maxx’s eyes flashed with fury. “I don’t believe that, Aubrey, and I don’t believe that you believe that! There will always be an us!”

  Good God, I actually wanted to believe him.

  “I don’t want to do this right now. You need to leave,” I said in a shaky voice. I lacked any real conviction, but I hoped the words would be enough.

  They weren’t. Maxx dropped to his knees and crawled across the space between us until he was kneeling in front of me. He looked up at me and brought his hand up to my chest, placing his palm over my heart, which beat erratically.

  “I feel it, Aubrey. Right there, where it matters. You want me here.” He grabbed my hand and brought it up to his chest, where I felt the frantic thud beneath my fingers. “Do you feel that? That’s where you are. That’s where you will always be. And as long as this heart beats, I will never give up on what we had. I will make you see that I can change. I can be the person you need me to be.”

  I tried to pull my hand away but he held me firm, the flat of my palm pressed to his chest.

  “Please, Maxx. Stop it! Stop talking to me like this! You’ve already done enough! I can’t survive you again!” I beseeched, feeling myself start to panic. If he stayed much longer, speaking to me like this, my control would slip.

  He dropped his hand to my leg. “I hate myself for everything I’ve done to you. What I’ve put you through is my biggest regret. Aubrey, you were the only beautiful part of my nasty life. And to know that just by loving me, you lost so much . . . I don’t think I can deal with that.”

  The anxiety in my gut twisted painfully. I felt the press of his hand on my leg and could see the wetness on his face. We were so close. Achingly so. If he kissed me now, I wasn’t sure I had the strength to resist him.