Honor

by Sherryl Woods

  No matter how much it might hurt later.

  * * *

  Kevin had the entire, endless night to think about Lacey’s answer. He knew what it had taken for her to overcome her reluctance. The look in her eyes had spoken volumes about the struggle that raged inside her. He swore that he would do whatever it took to overcome her doubts. He viewed the coming days as a honeymoon of sorts, a chance to put their marriage on a new, more solid footing.

  And he began making careful plans.

  “I’ll take care of everything,” Brandon announced the following morning when he learned of their arrangement, which he clearly viewed as permanent. “Over the years I’ve learned a thing or two about patching things up after a spat.”

  “I’m sure you have,” Kevin agreed, recalling the flurry of expensive gifts that would pour in whenever his father and mother argued.

  His mother would point to a piece of jewelry and say, “This was for the time he stayed the whole night through at the factory and forgot to call. And these earrings were for that time he didn’t tell me he’d invited guests for dinner and showed up with two of his most important customers.”

  Kevin grinned at the memories, but held up his hand. “Slow down, Dad. I think I’ll handle this one my way. Besides, Jason’s already called the caretaker. The house will be ready for us.”

  “What about flowers? Never was a woman who could resist a few bouquets of flowers.”

  “Like the five dozen roses you sent Mom, when you forgot your anniversary? Or the orchids that came when you missed her birthday?”

  Brandon scowled at him. “Okay, so I had a lousy head for dates. Your mother loved those flowers just the same.”

  “Yes, she did,” Kevin said softly, “because they came from you. Let me deal with Lacey my own way, Dad.”

  Brandon went on as if he hadn’t heard a word Kevin was saying. “Maybe I ought to take a drive out there and check on things. You can’t trust strangers to remember everything.”

  Kevin groaned as he envisioned his father standing in the doorway to welcome them. Lacey would no doubt turn tail and run. Although, on second thought, she might welcome a buffer between them. Either way, Kevin had no intention of letting Brandon meddle in this particular scenario.

  “Forget it, Dad. For a man who spent years trying to keep us apart, you’re suddenly awfully anxious for us to get back together.”

  Brandon didn’t rise to the bait. “I’m not one bit afraid to admit I’ve made mistakes in my life. A few of them have been doozies. I know what I did back then to try to ruin what you two had was wrong. Lacey’s a fine woman. You couldn’t have done better.”

  “I know that. I’m glad you can see it now, too.”

  “You think this plan of yours is going to work?” he inquired, his brow furrowed. “Seems mighty chancy.”

  Kevin sighed. “It is a risk. If it doesn’t work, I’ll just have to come up with another idea. I’m not going to let her go without a fight, Dad. Not a second time. Come on. Let’s go for a walk around the corridor. I’m going to need all my strength back if I’m going into battle tomorrow.”

  As they walked the length of the hospital hallway, Kevin saw the elevator doors slide open. He paused and watched, unwilling to admit how much he was hoping Lacey would be among those getting off. When she emerged behind a group of nurses, he spotted her at once, astonished at how youthful she looked with her honey-blond hair skimming her shoulders, her cheeks tinted pink from the March winds.

  She started toward his room, then noticed him out of the corner of her eye. She turned his way, a smile spreading slowly across her face.

  “I like the fancy new pajamas,” she said, grinning at the outrageously expensive pair Brandon had brought him from a British collection made with Halloran fabrics.

  Kevin would never have worn them if the only alternative hadn’t been one of those indecent hospital gowns. In fact, as he thought back, the last pair of pajamas he’d owned had had bunny rabbits on them and he’d been going to sleep with a pacifier.

  “What’s wrong with them?” Brandon demanded. “This is one of the finest cottons we make. Do you have any idea what they charge for these things?”

  “Settle down, Dad. I’m sure Lacey is truly awed by the quality.”

  “Awed isn’t quite the word I had in mind,” she teased. “I think I saw a pair just like these in some forties movie with Claudette Colbert. Or was it Katharine Hepburn?”

  “Okay, enough, you two,” Brandon grumbled. He shot a pointed glance at Kevin. “You could be walking up and down these hallways with your bottom bare.”

  Kevin sneaked a look at Lacey, whose lips were twitching as she fought the urge to laugh. She refused to meet his gaze. Brandon sniffed.

  “Think I’ll go off and leave you two alone. It’s obvious you don’t need me around anymore.”

  “Goodbye, Dad.”

  Lacey gave him a peck on the cheek and murmured something Kevin couldn’t quite hear. From the amusement that immediately sparked in his father’s eyes, Kevin had a hunch it had something to do with the damned pajamas.

  When she finally turned back to Kevin, her expression was as innocent as a new baby’s.

  “What’d you say to him?” Kevin demanded.

  “That’s our secret.”

  “I thought secrets were taboo in a healthy marriage.”

  “Some secrets are taboo. Others add spice.”

  “You and my father have a secret that’s going to add spice to our marriage?”

  She grinned at him impishly. “You never know.”

  He regarded her indignantly. “You know, Lacey Halloran, it has occurred to me that locking myself away in a house on the Cape with you could drive me nuts.”

  “Not my fault,” she claimed innocently. “It was your idea.”

  “And you intend to make me pay for that, don’t you?”

  “The regimen I have planned for you will make basic training seem like child’s play.”

  He watched the play of light on her streaked blond hair and the sparks of mischief in her eyes. “What does Linc have to say about this plan you have?”

  “Who do you think gave it to me?”

  She waved several booklets without allowing him to catch a glimpse of the titles. He had to take her word for it when she flipped through them.

  “‘Cholesterol Management.’ ‘Triglycerides and You.’ ‘Exercise for the Healthy Heart.’ ‘The Low-Fat Diet.’ And my favorite, ‘Heart-Friendly Fruits and Vegetables.’ I can hardly wait.”

  “I could still go to Jason’s, you know. Sammy’s beginning to look like a saint compared to my wife.”

  “I hear he has the newest video game. You very well might want to reconsider,” she said agreeably.

  He stopped where he was and framed her face with his hands. He could feel the heat climb in her cheeks. “Not a chance, Mrs. Halloran. Not a chance.”

  Chapter Six

  The promise of long, quiet, intimate days on Cape Cod with Kevin terrified Lacey. It was possible—likely, even—that their expectations were entirely different. Anticipation and worry made the drive from the hospital to the Cape seem longer than ever.

  What if Kevin only intended to lure her back, but hadn’t thought beyond the challenge of the chase? she worried, when the first deadly silence fell.

  She had little doubt that he could seduce her, that he could scramble her emotions and turn her best intentions to mush. Even in the worst of times, she had responded all too easily to his touch. The loving had been wonderful, but toward the end it hadn’t been nearly enough. Now it would be a short-term solution at best.

  A trip like this was what Lacey had been longing for, but now that Kevin had made the commitment to spend time with her, she wondered what would happen if they couldn’t recapture what they had lost. In a last-ditch desperation, were they pinning too much on this time alone? Was she expecting something from Kevin that he couldn’t possibly give?

  As she clutched the stee
ring wheel with white-knuckled intensity, her thoughts tumbled like bits of colored glass in a kaleidoscope, leaving her hopelessly confused.

  Beside her, Kevin had settled back in the seat and closed his eyes, no more anxious to continue the struggle for nervous, meaningless small talk than she was.

  With a bone-deep sorrow, Lacey couldn’t help noticing the contrast to other trips they had made, times when the car had been filled with laughter and quiet conversation as they made the transition from their harried life-style in Boston to the relaxation of Cape Cod. Then even the silences had been lazy and comfortable. The anticipation had been sweet, not mixed with a vague sense of dread as it was now.

  She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally pulled into the driveway of the rambling old house with its weathered gray shingles and white trim. A few hardy geraniums bloomed in the window boxes, the splashes of red against gray reminding her of an Andrew Wyeth painting she particularly loved.

  She vividly recalled the precise moment when she and Kevin had first come upon this place, choosing it over all the others they had seen because of its haphazard wandering over a spectacular oceanfront piece of property. Later in the spring there would be daffodils and tulips everywhere and the scent of lilacs from a bush near the kitchen window.

  Lacey glanced over and saw that Kevin was awake, his intense gaze closely examining the house that had once been so special to them.

  “It looks neglected,” he observed ruefully. “When was the last time we were out here?”

  “Together?” she questioned pointedly. “Three years ago. We drove out for the day.”

  He regarded her with astonishment. “Surely that can’t be.”

  “You’ve been too busy,” she reminded him, trying—and failing—to keep the note of censure out of her voice.

  He sighed. “That excuse must have worn thin. I remember how much you always loved coming here, especially this time of year before the summer crowds came back.”

  Kevin leaned closer, his breath fanning her face. He trailed his knuckles along her cheek, stirring her senses. She turned into the caress, and his fingers stroked her skin. The pad of his thumb skimmed provocatively over her lips.

  “I’m sorry, Lace. I truly am.”

  She could tell from the look in his eyes that he really meant it, and something deep inside her shifted, making room for emotions she wasn’t yet prepared to handle. Trying to ignore the trembly feeling he could still evoke in her, Lacey swallowed hard. She pulled away and summoned a smile.

  “No more apologies, remember? We’re here now.” Her tone turned brisk. “We’d better get you inside. Linc wasn’t all that thrilled that you wanted to come here, rather than stay in Boston.”

  “He just hates the fact that he won’t be able to run up my bill with all those house calls,” Kevin said as he opened the door and got out, following her to the trunk.

  Instinctively he reached for a bag as they began the familiar ritual of unloading the car. Worried about the strain on his still-healing heart, Lacey quickly waved him off. “I’ll get these.”

  A rare flash of anger rose in his eyes, then died just as quickly. “You’re right,” he said stiffly. “I’ll go unlock the door. I should be able to manage that much at least.”

  Lacey cursed the fact that she’d reminded him that for now he wasn’t as vital and healthy as he’d always been. Kevin had never been able to cope with so much as a cold, hating the slightest sign of weakness in a body he’d always tested to the limits. He looked so strong, with his powerful shoulders and well-sculpted legs, that she herself could almost forget that inside he was not yet healed.

  Tennis, sailing and, years earlier, football—he had played them all with demanding intensity. How difficult it must be for him now to defer the simplest tasks to her. Still, Linc’s instructions had been specific, and she intended to follow them to the letter.

  There was no sign of Kevin as she made the half dozen trips to carry their luggage inside. He had vanished as soon as he’d opened the front door for her.

  After an instant’s hesitation, Lacey placed his bags in the master bedroom and her own in the guest room across the hall. The width of that hall was no more than three feet, but she saw it as symbolic of the ever-widening chasm between them in their marriage.

  Worried that Kevin was still not inside—on such a chilly, blustery day—his first out of the hospital—she went in search of him.

  She found him at last in back of the house, standing atop of a distant sand dune. Wearing only a thin jacket, a knit shirt and jeans, he had his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched against the wind. He was staring out to a white-capped sea that roared its strength as it crashed against the shore.

  Guessing a little of what he must be feeling, Lacey walked to his side, hesitated, then tucked her arm through his.

  “It certainly is setting up a fuss today, isn’t it?” she observed.

  At first she didn’t think he would answer her, either out of some lingering resentment or because he was lost in his own thoughts. Finally he glanced at her, then back to the ocean and said, “I’d forgotten what that sound is like, how it fills up your head, driving out all petty annoyances.”

  “Like a symphony. Isn’t that what you told me once?”

  Kevin shook his head, clearly bemused by the words. “Was I ever that poetic?”

  “I thought you were.”

  He turned and met her gaze then. Lacey thought for a moment she could see straight into his soul. Such sadness. It made her ache to think of him hurting so deeply. Yet her own sorrow was just as deep, just as heart-wrenching.

  “Past tense,” he noted wearily.

  This time she lifted her fingers to caress his cheek. “Don’t,” she said softly. “Please don’t. We have to make a pact to stop looking back. We have to look ahead.”

  “I’m not sure I dare.”

  Surprised by the genuine note of dismay in his voice, she asked, “Why?”

  “What if there’s only emptiness? Without you, that’s all it would be, you know.”

  Hearing him say the words, hearing him admit how much she meant to him should have made her feel deliriously happy. But she was no longer that shy, innocent girl who’d given her heart so freely. Instead, knowing all she did, she felt this terrible pressure—pressure to forget the differences that had brought them to this moment, this place.

  A part of Lacey wanted to give in now and promise him that everything would be as it always had been. She desperately needed to believe that coming here had been enough to reassure her. But the part of her that listened to her brain, rather than her heart, knew it was far too soon for either of them to make a commitment like that. Despite the pretty words, Kevin was no more ready for promises than she was.

  She touched his cheek again, her splayed fingers warm against his chilled flesh, the gesture meant to comfort, not to promise. Their gazes met, caught, lingered. The silent communication was filled with hope and wistful yearning.

  “I’m going to start dinner,” she told him after several seconds passed. “Don’t stay out here too long. It will be dark soon and the air is already cold and damp.”

  His gaze once again on the sea, he nodded and let her go.

  Inside, Lacey found the refrigerator already well stocked with groceries, including a container of clam chowder left by the caretaker with a note saying it was from his grandmother. She poured it into a cast iron kettle on the stove, turned the flame on low and went to check more thoroughly on the rest of the house.

  Everything had been readied for them. A fire had been laid and extra wood was stacked beside the hearth. Without the salty haze that would be back again within hours, the just-washed windows glistened with the last soft rays of sunlight. The wide plank floors had been rubbed to a soft glow, the furniture polished with something that smelled of lemons.

  Best of all, a huge basket of her favorite spring flowers—daffodils, tulips and lily of the valley—added a cheerful finishing touc
h. Brandon’s romantic idea, no doubt.

  If Lacey hadn’t known how long the house had stood empty, she might have believed she and Kevin had been here only yesterday. As it was, she hadn’t been able to bear more than a quick day trip now and again. Alone, she had been all too vividly reminded of what she and Kevin had lost. The ache in her heart had been too much so she had never lingered.

  Now she touched the automatic lighter to the kindling in the fireplace. Within minutes the flames had caught and a cozy warmth stole through the chilly room.

  Back in the kitchen she grabbed a handful of silver and a pair of placemats and set places on the coffee table in front of the fire. When they were here alone, they rarely ate in the formal dining room or even in the huge old kitchen, preferring the intimacy of meals in front of the fire’s warmth. Only on the hottest days of summer did the routine vary and then they moved to the beach, where they could listen to the waves and watch the stars as they ate by candlelight.

  Kevin came in just as she was pulling a loaf of crusty, homemade bread from the oven. His eyes lit up as he shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair.

  “Is that what I think it is?” he asked, coming closer to sniff the wonderful aroma.

  “Mrs. Renfield’s homemade bread,” she confirmed. “And her New England clam chowder. Your favorites.”

  “What can I do to help?”

  “If you’ll take the bread in, I’ll bring the soup. That should do it.”

  “I don’t suppose she left one of her peach pies in the refrigerator.”

  “Sorry,” Lacey said, amused at his immediately disappointed expression. “Looks like a cherry cobbler to me. And don’t tell me you didn’t know perfectly well that she was going to leave all this for you. You probably called her up and pleaded with her.”

  “I did no such thing.”

  “Then you had Jason do it.”

  He grinned at her. “Okay, maybe I did suggest he drop a few hints.”