Apple and Rain

by Sarah Crossan

  ‘I didn’t check,’ I admit.

  ‘That’s OK, we’ll find her,’ Del says confidently.

  Egan glances in the rear-view mirror and frowns. ‘We’ll try our best,’ he says.

  Rain isn’t on any of the roads near our house. She isn’t in the corner shop. She isn’t at the library. No one in the bus or train stations can remember seeing her. Del and I search the arcades too, checking by the fruit machines and grabby hands. Then we trawl through every park in town.

  After a few hours, we’re out of ideas. Egan pulls into the drive-in McDonalds where he pays for three Happy Meals.

  ‘You’re going to miss orchestra,’ I tell him.

  He sucks on his straw. ‘Doesn’t matter,’ he says. His mouth is covered in mustard. I look away. I hate mustard. Even the smell of it makes me sick.

  ‘What about the swimming pool?’ Del asks from the back seat.

  I shake my head and turn to him. A thick belt of sunlight is drawn across his face. His eyes are glittery and bright. Even compared to Egan Winters he’s quite good looking, maybe even a bit pretty. ‘She doesn’t have a swimming costume, I don’t think.’

  Del smacks a hand against his head. ‘How could we have forgotten? The ice rink!’ he says.

  ‘Oh, Del, yes!’ I say. ‘We have to go to the rink.’

  ‘Let me grab a McFlurry quickly,’ Egan says.

  ‘We haven’t got time for McFlurries,’ Del says bossily. I smile. He’s something else, Del Holloway – something really special.

  We speed up Beckett Hill and Egan pulls the car to a juddering halt outside the rink. Del and I hop out. Hope fizzes in me as I imagine Rain in a pair of thick blue skates, wobbling on the ice. She has to be here. It’s the last pos­­sible place.

  But almost as soon as I start to feel hopeful, I’m deflated again. The rink is empty. The café’s not even open. No one has seen a girl that matches Rain’s description.

  The corners of my eyes prickle, but before I cry, Del has his arm around me. ‘Don’t get all weepy, you. It’s not helpful.’

  ‘What if . . .’

  ‘Don’t even say it, Apple.’

  ‘What if she’s dead?’ I splutter.

  ‘Oh, shut up!’ Del shouts and points an accusing finger at me. ‘If you think she’s dead, we might as well go home.’

  I hold Jenny against me and squeeze. ‘What’s so bad about pretending a doll’s a real baby? It was weird, but Rain wasn’t hurting anyone, and it made her happy,’ I say. I’m not sure Del can understand a word I’m saying through the choking tears.

  ‘It made her happy?’ Del looks doubtful. He pulls me towards him and wipes his arm across my face to get rid of the snot. ‘Apple?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘When I met you, you were a bit of a grump, but it was like the grumpiness was an act or something. I don’t think it’s an act now, is it?’

  A rock hits the pit of my tummy. ‘No,’ I say. The grumpiness isn’t an act. Sometimes I feel like I’m full of hard music and spikes. ‘It doesn’t matter about me. We have to find Rain.’

  Del takes a deep breath. ‘We haven’t tried your nan’s house,’ he says. He puts his hand on my shoulder. ‘She can’t be angry. You haven’t done anything wrong.’

  ‘You don’t know her,’ I say.

  I knock and knock and knock at Nana’s door but the only thing I manage to do is make Derry howl and snuff at the letterbox. I take out my phone and dial Nana’s number. It rings then goes to answerphone.

  Del is at the gate. ‘Well?’ he asks.

  ‘She’s missing too. What’s happening?’ It’s like I’m in some awful dream, running after people and unable to find any of them.

  ‘I hate to say this, but I think it’s time we spoke to the police,’ Del says.

  Egan is out of the car. He leans on Nana’s wall. ‘I second that proposal.’ He opens his jacket, pulls out a packet of cigarettes and lights up. I don’t know why I’m surprised – half the sixth-formers smoke. I just didn’t think Egan was one of them. I thought he was different. Superior to everyone else.

  Egan blows smoke rings into the garden, right into Nana’s favourite hydrangea bush. A rush of relief swims at me: I don’t think I fancy Egan Winters any more. He’s being really helpful and he bought us lunch, but what I’m finding out isn’t all good – he’s moody and smokes and maybe worst of all, he likes mustard.

  I make kissing sounds through the letterbox for Derry and head down the path as Nana’s neighbour, Mrs Humphreys, sticks her head out of a top window. She’s got a towel wrapped around her hair. ‘Apple, is that you?’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Humphreys. Do you know where Nana is?’

  ‘Oh, Apple. I was just home from bowls and was about to jump in the bath when I saw the flashing lights. The paramedics took her out on a stretcher. But I thought you were with her. Where’ve you been?’

  ‘Nana’s sick?’

  Mrs Humphreys throws her hands into the air. ‘I’ve no idea. As I said, all I saw was the ambulance taking her away. Oh, I hope she’s all right. She told me she hasn’t felt herself lately.’

  ‘Did they take her to Brampton University Hospital?’ I ask.

  ‘Well, they didn’t airlift her to London, that’s for sure,’ Mrs Humphreys says.

  Del is behind me. He takes my hand and pulls me down the path.

  ‘What’s wrong now?’ Egan asks.

  ‘Change of plan,’ I tell him. ‘We have to go to the hospital.’

  Part 6

  44

  I’m out of the car door before Egan has come to a complete stop. Del calls something after me. I don’t hear what it is because I’m already through the automatic doors and in the Emergency waiting room. It’s full of blood-smeared children and gloomy adults gripping white plastic cups. I can’t see Nana anywhere.

  I go to reception. ‘I’m looking for Bernadette Kelly,’ I say.

  A woman with orange hair and a faint moustache yawns.

  I slap my hands against the desk. ‘I’m her grand­daughter and an ambulance brought her here. Where is she?’

  The woman doesn’t flinch. She types into a computer and whispers something to her colleague. Why the whispering? My heart shrinks. My head thrums. I grip the desk.

  The woman checks her computer screen again. She covers her mouth with her hand, and I get ready for the bad news. I wait to hear what I never really thought I’d have to hear because I thought Nana would live for ever. I thought she’d somehow manage to outwit God.

  ‘Mrs Kelly is in Ward B. But she’s waiting to see a doctor. You can’t go down there.’

  Everything around me disappears. Nana’s in a ward and waiting for a doctor. That means she can’t be dead. She’s alive. Nana’s alive. I ignore the woman at the desk, scan the signs for Ward B and run. I run so fast I almost trip over a wheelchair parked in the corridor.

  ‘Nana!’ I shout, as I reach the ward and scamper through it.

  A nurse frowns and puts a finger to her lips. ‘Shh.’

  ‘NANA!’ I shout again.

  In a panic I throw back curtain after curtain. Families huddled around beds frown and grumble.

  Then I feel a hand tug at my arm. ‘Stop that,’ a young nurse says.

  ‘Please help me find my grandmother.’ I start to cry.

  The nurse puts her arm around me. ‘Is her name Bernadette?’ she asks.

  ‘Yes, yes, that’s her.’

  ‘Come with me.’ She doesn’t tell me not to worry. She doesn’t try to reassure me. She takes me to the other end of the ward and pulls back a curtain.

  Nana is lying with her eyes closed.

  ‘Nana!’ I exclaim.

  ‘You’d be best to let her sleep,’ the nurse says.

  But I can’t. I throw myself at her even though her foot is raised and she has a bloody bandage wrapped around her head.

  ‘Apple? Oh, Apple!’ Nana’s eyes open and she rubs them. Tears form at the corners.

  ‘I was so worried. I
thought . . .’ I squeeze my eyes shut.

  ‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ the young nurse says, and disappears.

  I sit silently staring at Nana’s ankle. I have such a big apology sloshing around in my head, but every time I open my mouth to speak, I hesitate – it doesn’t feel like the time or place for it, and I’m not even sure where to begin.

  ‘What happened?’ I ask.

  Nana laughs. ‘I’m a stupid old thing. Went into the garden to hang out the washing and didn’t I turn right over on my ankle. Fell down the steps and knocked my foot and my head.’

  I sit in the chair next to her bed as a doctor with a too-big coat appears. She taps one of Nana’s toes with a pencil. ‘The ankle’s severely sprained but luckily there’s no break. We’ll keep you here a few hours to monitor the head injury, which seems superficial, and then you can go,’ she says. She talks directly to Nana’s toe.

  ‘But I’ve defrosted a piece of pork for lunch,’ Nana says.

  ‘Afraid you won’t be doing much cooking for a while, Mrs Kelly, or standing on your feet at all. Do you live with someone who can help you get around?’

  Nana tuts. ‘I’ll be absolutely grand on my own.’

  The doctor sighs impatiently. She finally looks at Nana. ‘What about a neighbour?’

  ‘Mrs Humphreys? I hardly know her. And I wouldn’t want her poking through my cupboards.’

  I put a hand on Nana’s arm. ‘I’ll help,’ I say.

  ‘Great,’ the doctor says unenthusiastically. ‘I’ll send in a nurse with the support boot and crutches to show you how you’ll hobble about for the next few weeks. Remember – keep the weight off it. We don’t want to see you again.’

  Without another word, the doctor marches away, scanning a list on her clipboard as she goes.

  ‘Well, she has a charming bedside manner,’ Nana says.

  I giggle, and pull my chair closer to Nana’s bed.

  ‘I’ll be fine taking a taxi home,’ Nana says. ‘You should call your mother and get her to pick you up.’

  ‘I’m not leaving you,’ I say.

  Nana suddenly frowns. She’s looking at a clock on the wall. ‘Shouldn’t you be at school?’

  ‘School doesn’t matter. You’re sick.’

  Nana shakes her head. That isn’t what she means. ‘How did you know I’d fallen?’

  I tense. I was planning to tell Nana everything anyway, but now it’s come to it, I don’t know where to begin. So I tell her the most important bit. ‘Rain’s missing. Nana, I didn’t know what to do. I came to your house to tell you. Mrs Humphreys saw me and said you’d been carted off in an ambulance.’

  ‘Rain’s missing? Has Annie told the police?’

  ‘No,’ I mutter.

  ‘Why did Rain run away? Is Annie out looking for her?’

  I bite my bottom lip. ‘Nana, I don’t know where Mum is either. She went to London on Sunday and hasn’t come home. It’s been two nights. She doesn’t even know Rain’s missing.’

  ‘What do you mean two nights?’ Nana sits up in bed and winces. ‘Why didn’t you tell me straight away? And why didn’t you stay with me? Am I that bad? Have I treated you that badly?’

  ‘No!’ I protest. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking.’ I pick at a small scab on my hand.

  ‘Is there anything else I should know?’ Nana asks.

  I shake my head. There’s a lot I’ve left out; it doesn’t mean Nana has to know what it is. Not now anyway.

  ‘The thing is to find Rain. We’ll speak to the police. I’ll speak to them.’ Nana presses the call bell then uses her fingers to make the sign of the cross on her forehead, chest and two shoulders. She closes her eyes and mumbles a prayer under her breath.

  My phone beeps and Nana opens one eye. My body tightens and I check the messages. But it isn’t Rain. It’s Del. Is ur nan OK????

  I type back a quick message: Shes OK. I have to stay with her. Can u find Rain? Pleeease.

  I’ll find her, Del replies, and I believe he will.

  He has to.

  45

  Three hours later, Nana gets discharged. We order a cab to take us home. On the way, Mum finally calls. I should be elated. I haven’t even got the energy to feel relieved. I look at her name lighting up my phone, and wait a few rings before answering.

  ‘Oh, Apple, what’s going on? I’m on a train and I got your messages. Is everything OK? Apple?’

  ‘Rain’s missing, Mum,’ I tell her.

  She doesn’t answer.

  Nana snatches the phone from me and yells into it. ‘Where the hell are you, Annie? On a train? A train to where? I don’t know how you can call yourself a mother. Rain’s been missing since last night and you’ve only found out a day later. Just so you know, if anything’s happened to that child, I’ll make sure you pay for it. Do you hear me? Annie? Annie?’

  Nana stares at the phone. ‘She cut me off,’ she says.

  ‘Is she on her way back?’

  ‘Who knows?’ Nana says.

  I help Nana into her favourite chair, not that it’s easy with Derry jumping all over us, and go to the kitchen to put on the kettle. Making tea seems like such a shallow thing to do with Rain still missing, but I’m out of ideas. We’ve filed a missing person’s report with the police, and they have alerted all of their squad cars in the area. They’ll wait until eight o’clock tonight to start an official search.

  I already feel in my heart that it’s too late.

  The kettle gurgles and my phone beeps.

  It’s Del again. Where r u? Egan’s bro needs the car. He’s dropping me home but I’ll search by foot once I’ve told Mum where I am. OK?????

  I’ll be at urs in 10 mins, I text back.

  I make Nana a mug of tea and some toast with thick-cut marmalade. ‘I’m going out to look for Rain again,’ I tell her.

  Nana blows into her mug. ‘No, Apple. I don’t want you getting lost too.’ She reaches for the phone. ‘I’ve remembered that Patricia Barnet’s son is an inspector over in Southend. I’ll see if he can pull a few strings with some friends at the station here.’

  ‘Nana, I have to find Rain,’ I say quietly.

  ‘I already told you –’ she begins.

  I interrupt. ‘I know what you told me, Nana. But I’m not a baby any more, and if we’re going to be friends again, you have to start trusting me.’

  ‘After this? How can I, Apple?’ The clock on the mantelpiece chimes. It’s six o’clock – twenty-two hours since I last saw Rain.

  ‘I never tried to lie. I was protecting Mum. I knew what you’d think if I told you she went to London and left us,’ I say.

  ‘Everyone has been so irresponsible, Apple. You and your mother.’

  ‘I know, Nana.’ I put my phone into my pocket. I kiss Derry on the nose. Then I head for the hall. Jenny is lying at the bottom of the stairs. I strap her against me.

  ‘Apple!’ Nana shouts. She can’t come after me with her sprained ankle; she can only shout and be disappointed.

  ‘I’ll be back soon. I’m on the phone if you need me.’ I pause as I open the front door. The street lamps are flickering pink. ‘I love you,’ I say. And I’m gone.

  Del is sitting on his front wall swinging his legs. ‘We searched everywhere,’ he says.

  ‘I know you did,’ I tell him. I sit next to him and he pats the top of Jenny’s head. He looks tired and much sadder than I’ve ever seen him. ‘What do you think’s happened to her?’ I ask.

  He takes my hand. ‘We should retrace our steps one last time. Look more carefully. Anyway, she won’t have stayed in the same place all day.’

  ‘We could try the arcades again,’ I suggest.

  ‘Exactly,’ he says. He hops off the wall but keeps hold of my hand. A few days ago I would have pulled away. But I don’t today.

  We weave in and out of the crowds at the arcades. Everywhere we go it’s blank stares or definite noes. A man in a grey jacket smiles when he sees Rain’s picture
on my phone. ‘Pretty little thing, isn’t she?’ he says.

  My insides curl up. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Come on,’ Del says. He drags me away.

  ‘What if he kidnapped her?’ I shout. I point at the man who is now smirking at me like he knows something I don’t.

  It’s after seven o’clock. Less than an hour until the police search party is sent hunting for Rain. I press my nose into Jenny’s head and breathe in her smell, which is Rain’s smell too.

  Back on the promenade, Del squeezes my hand. ‘This isn’t your fault, Apple,’ he says. I stare at him. I wish I could forget what’s happening. I wish I could just disappear. I’m so sad I feel like my heart is a flower whose petals are gently falling away.

  Del lets go of my hand and points at me. ‘Did you hear what I said?’

  ‘Yes, I heard you,’ I say. I already feel like I’m drifting off somewhere else.

  ‘You don’t believe me. But it really isn’t your fault. What could you have done?’

  ‘I just wish . . . I wish I’d been nicer, that’s all.’

  Del laughs into the sky. ‘That isn’t really your style.’

  ‘But I knew she was upset. I mean, there was this one morning that we came down to the beach and she tried to wade in. The waves would have swallowed her up, if Jenny hadn’t been tied to her.’ I pause. Del is staring at me. Why didn’t I think of this earlier? It was the most obvious place. ‘You don’t think . . .’

  Del shakes his head. Shakes away the idea. ‘We checked the beaches. All of them. She’d have washed up. She’d . . .’ He isn’t convinced. He looks terrified.

  ‘I have to go,’ I say, and hurtle along the promenade. Del is shouting something behind me, and then he’s level with me, and we are running together as fast as we can in one last-ditch effort to find Rain. Dead or alive.

  The moon is reflected in the ocean like a giant white plate. If you had to choose a place to be kissed, or a place to die, this would be it.

  I squint, checking along the shore for a figure, and when I see one, narrow and disappearing into the distance, I almost don’t believe my eyes. I point. Del nods.