Love Delayed

by Love Belvin

  Eligia nodded her head before excusing herself. It was official. I had a nanny and help around the apartment while I returned to school full time. But is that all?

  “There’s that damn clicking sound again. At least I have confirmation that something’s up,” he noted. “You’ve been brooding all damn morning. Are you sure you’re okay with this?”

  I wet my dry lips before scraping them in between my teeth. I never demanded anything from Stenton when it came to our relationship since he broke up with me after the Cayman Islands. I needed to finally confront this thing between us—or lack thereof. I didn’t think long before going for it.

  “How soon before you’ll have Jordan around other women?”

  Stenton’s expression quickly turned jarred. In all fairness, I couldn’t blame him.

  As he examined my eyes, his head slowly rolled left to right and then left to right again, ruminatively.

  “I can’t answer that question. It’s not a bridge I’ve thought to crossed,” he spoke slowly, and I could see the cogs of his mind churning.

  “But you will…soon, I’m sure.”

  “Zoey, I don’t know where this is coming from. Perhaps if you can tell me what’s going on in that busy head of yours, I can provide a more adequate answer.”

  My eyes dropped as I tried to think of my next move.

  “The christening…this whole period since our “break up” after the Cayman Islands,” I used air quotations because we were so far removed from that time; so tightly intertwined and yet I still didn’t feel as close to Stenton as I did before I got pregnant. “…the reason I’ve not kept in touch is because I need a barrier from you. I need to protect myself from the pain that I feel from when you stole my heart. When I hear your voice or when I’m near you, I feel things that delude me. It makes me want to be with you like we were before my stupid…” I bit my lip.

  Jordan is a blessing. He’s not a mistake.

  Stenton’s face wrinkled and he visibly heaved. I tossed my gaze away from him until the tears rescinded and I could speak again.

  “I want to be like that again. I want to be your best friend and…lover. I want you to want to be with me, not just take care of me,” my words turned inaudible as my emotions peaked.

  Stenton’s mouth dropped.

  “I saw the Wendy Williams show last night. I saw Erika.” I looked him deep in the eyes. That’s when I lost him. Stenton actually rolled his eyes and they didn’t immediately return to me. “Is she the woman you told me about when we first met? The one you said was a hook up by your PR teams?”

  Stenton swallowed with a clenched jaw. “Yes.”

  “Why haven’t you been with her all this time?”

  “I’ve been kind of wrapped up in something else in case you haven’t been awake for the past two years or so.”

  I ignored his quip. “Are you going to date her?”

  Then his eyes met mine again. “So, I now see the inspiration behind the superb blow job in my sleep.” My eyes jumped to his, cautioning his audacity, and his pierced into me, not backing down. “But why are you asking about her? Why is she of any fucking consequence to us?”

  I jumped from my seat, quickly angered by the direction of this conversation. Maybe I didn’t think this through, but I realized I was at a pivotal place in my life. Yeah, I’d had a baby, but my career track was about to resume. My life would have traction again. I wanted it all, including Stenton. My best friend. My lover.

  “Why can’t we be together?” I turned to him.

  He shifted in the bar chair. “And do what? Live together?” He snorted. “Get married?” I nearly leaped in his direction at that. “Tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen, Zo! I’ll go out and get the fucking ring right now. We can be at city hall in two hours! Just tell me, what do you want?” Stenton yelled angrily.

  My body trembled, my eyes glossed and my hands balled into fists. His words were elementary, but his tone was derisive. “I don’t know!” I grated through gritted teeth, meeting his volume. Never had I felt so infuriated by not being able to articulate my feelings, being misunderstood.

  Stenton stood and got into my face. “And that’s why we’re not together,” he grated, his voice eerily low, searing me with the depth of that revelation. “You have no fucking clue as to what your together means.” He violently yanked his body away and then stormed off to the floor-to-ceiling window just a few feet from me.

  We stayed that way for long minutes, trying to bide time to allow tempers to cool. I was shaken by his argument, but couldn’t deny its validity. It still stung. I may not have known what exactly I wanted to term us, but I knew I wanted him with me every day. I wanted more. I wanted his intimacy that went far beyond sex and yet I wanted that, too. I was so in love with this man that I couldn’t think straight. I was once again deluded by his presence after just two days.

  “Listen, Zoey.” I turned to his back as he still faced the window. “When we started this…shit…you were so young. Privately, I struggled so damn much with your age. You were tender and inexperienced beyond your virginity. But when I was with you, all of those doubts, fears, and reservations fell by the wayside. I tossed caution to the wind and got swept up by your beauty, aptitude, ability to be transparent, your forceful spirit…the way you squared your fucking shoulders and kept your chin in the air against harsh winds.”

  Stenton turned to me. “The way you challenged me, and forced new lenses to my eyes…the way you always ride for your family, and the way you love me with no pretenses, seeing past all the bullshit of my lifestyle.” He stopped and furrowed his brows. “I mean, you’ve never asked to go to a game. Have you even watched one yet?” My eyes swept the floor. “You and Sarah; you two don’t give a shit about what I do on the courts. You make me feel valued off of it.” Facing me, Stenton lowered himself, aligning his head with mine. “Shit. That’s not something I can get from a fucking Erika Erceg. I’ve been in the league thirteen years and I’ve never come across a woman who saw past the ball in my hand or the bank account that follows it.”

  Stenton then cupped my face with his hands. “I’m not going anywhere. I swear on my life that I will always be here for you and Jordan. No one could ever replace or compare to what you two bring me. I don’t know what this next step will be for us. You’re going back to school and I’m starting a new season. One thing I do know is that I’ll be here for you and for Jordan.” He exhaled and closed his eyes before opening them again. “I love you so fucking much, Zo, it scares the shit out of me. But I will not force you to make a call before you’re ready. You need to experience life, conquer those goals you told me about two years ago. Go off and fucking take on the world. If you realize it’s me you want when it’s all said and done, I’ll be here waiting.”

  The tears fell from my eyes and mucous fell from my nostrils. I felt the emptiness once again, however this time I had answers. He wasn’t ready. Stenton still wasn’t choosing me. Oddly, I did feel he wouldn’t go too far while I “grew up.” Maybe there was hope after all. Maybe we’d one day be together.

  I nodded in silence. My eyes were to the floor because I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t face him with the tears and snotty face. It would add to his reasons for thinking I wasn’t mature enough for him.

  Stenton’s phone pinged on the counter. He exhaled, exasperated, as his lids slowly closed. He placed his forehead on mine.

  “That’s my driver. I have to run home and pack for my flight. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. My schedule is going to get crazy, but I’ll be here as much as I can, even if that means sleeping here more than my own place. I know you’re about to be busy preparing for school.” He used his index finger to lift my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Zo, if you ever need anything—I don’t give a damn how small or…personal the request—reach out to me. I don’t like the distance. I’ve not done well with it. I want that to change. Okay?”

  My answer took a while to surface. I’d never been much
of a liar. It was actually something I preferred to be absent from all close relationships I had. This thing with Stenton though was entirely different. It was a miscellany of emotions—contradicting ones—I’d never experienced. I knew I needed the space. I needed to work on me to become the woman Stenton needed, not the girl he perceived me to be. School would help with that. I had another start and I was prepared to take it. I had a lot to prove.

  “Okay,” I murmured as I gently removed his hands from the sides of my face to swipe my tears and running nose. I forced a smile as I backed out of his person and got a napkin from the center of the island and started to clean my face. “You’re right. I have lots to do to prepare for this new phase of my life. You go ahead and say goodbye to Jordan and we’ll see you when you get back into town.” My voice was less shaky than my belly as I lied through my teeth. My smile was still in tow as I exited the room without saying another word.

  From that moment, I had a new charge of pulling out that old Elizabeth and polishing her anew. I had to chase my future in order to find me.

  Chapter 15

  Now

  July 2014

  Stenton

  “You heard me, Dad?”

  “Huhn?” My head jerks toward Jordan.

  “I asked which one I should choose; Mariah or Marie?” Jordan asks as he tussles with his wrestling figures on the bed next to me.

  I wrinkle my eyebrows, trying to recall previous conversations about these girls. “Mariah is the Puerto Rican girl and Marie is the Haitian, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  I shrug. At least he’s an equal opportunist. “I really don’t have an answer for that. How about neither? What’s wrong with being single?”

  My son is only six and talking about girlfriends, not just me teasing him on the subject like before. What are they teaching at that preparatory academy? My attention goes once again to the muffled voices I can swear to hearing beneath my room.

  Is that her?

  “I know. I told them both that, but they keep saying everybody else is hooking up—”

  “Hooking up? What the hell, JR?” He has my attention again that quickly. “You know about peer pressure. Your mother and I both talk to you about leadership. There’s nothing wrong with blazing your own trail. You don’t need a girlfriend to be the man.”

  “That’s what I told everybody in the class. I said my Dad is the coolest man on the planet and he ain’t got no girlfriend.”

  “Doesn’t have.”

  “Huhn?”

  “Your Dad doesn’t have a girlfriend,” I correct. I’m not paying out the ass in tuition for my son to speak like he’s from the fucking Westside of Brick City.

  There’s a knock at the door.

  “Come in,” Jordan calls out.

  The door cracks and in seconds, I see her tentative smile as she scans the room while walking in. She’s wearing a simple fitted white tee with light gray cropped jeans and flip flops. Zoey’s mane is pushed back with her long hair falling onto her shoulder blades. Her face is naked and her visage is breathtaking.

  “Mommy!” Jordan jumps from the bed and is in his mother’s arms in milliseconds.

  Lucky kid.

  Zoey giggles. “Whoa! If this is how you are after just two days, what’s your summer going to look like, kid?” She smiles without guards just the way I met her seven years ago.

  Jordan is clasped to her small frame, being silly. Zoey’s eyes trail up to me. “Hey.”

  I fight my excitement at seeing her and offer her a one-cheek smile instead. “Glad you made it down safely.”

  “I did. Even survived Bernard’s snoring on the plane.” She attempts to pull JR from her.

  Bernard. I forgot he was coming.

  “Mom said you guys made it in this morning. I’m jealous,” she calls over to me, then drags her body with Jordan still clamped onto her towards me on the bed. “I’m sure she cooked for a castle.”

  “Yeah, she did,” I confirm. “I’m sure there’s more left.” Zoey stumbles. “Jordan, off your moms, dude. She just got in,” I chide. I know he’s happy to see her—shit, I’m happy to see her. Zoey has that effect on people. Her presence lights up a room.

  “Mom, come look at these new wrestlers I got.” Jordan hops back on the bed.

  Zoey follows and tosses herself on the bed as well, at a close proximity. I haven’t shared a bed with her in so long, which could likely be the reason my heart rate just increased. After paying a few minutes of attention to Jordan’s animated talk and fight with his action figures, she turns towards me.

  “So, Mexico this summer?”

  “Yeah. I have a photo shoot out there and I figured I could take JR to Punta Mita.”

  “Nice!” She beams.

  “Mom, you should come,” Jordan calls over his shoulder.

  “I wish.” Zoey pouts playfully. “I have work and meetings. Tynisha is still holding rehearsals for her fashion show, and Bernard has a gig in Baltimore next weekend. I don’t know when I’ll be able to slip in time to sleep.”

  “You could always sleep here,” I murmur slickly.

  Zoey’s head swings in my direction and the first thing I see is her collapsed jaw.

  I don’t speak and neither does she. She caught my fucking message. I can tell as my eyes descend to her engorged nipples. She follows my line of sight and when hers return to my face, mine stall before meeting them. I see her mask slip. I still affect her. All Zoey has to do is say the fucking word and I’ll be whatever she wants me to be…or do whatever she wants me to do. I don’t give a damn what she does with Bernard; he can’t fuck her the way that I can. I’ll make sure of it.

  “Well…well…well, if it isn’t my favorite lady with…her son and…his dad.”

  I glance up to find Bernard’s pseudo-cocky ass, standing in the doorframe, smirking smugly.

  I say pseudo because his arrogance doesn’t drip naturally to me. It seems so contrived. I’ve always felt it’s what he feels he must offer to Stenton Rogers, the father of his girlfriend’s child. He’s one of billions that only see the ballplayer and not the man…a detrimental mistake for a man who’s proposing to govern the house my seed lives in.

  Like that shit’ll ever happen.

  Zoey jumps off the bed and nervously leaps over to him. His arrogant smile broadens as he takes her at the small of her back.

  “Oh, what’s up, B,” Jordan murmurs noncommittally.

  Bernard’s neck jerks back. I stifle my laugh. Zoey gasps.

  “It’s Bernard,” Zoey lightly scolds. I notice her nipples are no longer taut under her man’s arm, under his touch.

  “Yeah,” Jordan returns, his eyes still below on his toys.

  A boy after my own heart. I’ve never kicked Bernard’s back in to JR. Real men never do. Let’s just say he can sense his Dad’s enemies.

  “What’s wrong, young fellow?” Bernard perks up. “Your mom told you the news about us moving?”

  “Moving?” Jordan and I croak out at the same time.

  “Yeah. I can’t stay in another man’s place with my bride. We need our own space, to make room for our newly formed family,” Bernard proudly announces.

  My chest tightens and I can feel my nose flare. Zoey’s eyes shoot to me. Her anxiousness is obvious.

  “Well, that hasn’t been decided yet, Bernard. You just broached the topic last night.” Zoey runs her hand down his stomach onto his belly, causing my abs to flinch. I hope no one picked it up.

  “I’m sure once you two come to an agreement, you’ll discuss it with me.” I look Zoey directly in the eye.

  She nods emphatically. “Of course.”

  “I’m tired, sweetheart,” Bernard prompts.

  Zoey gasps nervously as she tosses a glance my way. “Well, it’s off to bed we go. It’s been a long day.” Her plastered smile is so contrived. Then her attention goes to Jordan. “You,” she calls out pointedly. “Make sure you brush your teeth thoroughly before turning in.”

&
nbsp; “I know, Mommy,” Jordan whines.

  “Goodnight, pumpkin,” she bids then waves to me before turning for the door.

  Bernard gives a dramatic gaze after she leaves the room. Do you know that feeling of having the asshole who’s fucking the love of your life throw you a pompous glare? I do. I want to crack Bernard’s fucking face. But my hands are tied in more than one way.

  “Goodnight, JR,” Bernard finally offers.

  “Jordan,” my son calls out to him as his attention is still devoted to his wrestling men.

  “P-Pardon?” Bernard stammers.

  Jordan’s head rises from the bed and he looks directly at Bernard. “My name is Jordan. Only my family calls me JR.”

  My unwilled smug grin appears. My fucking seed. Internally, I beg Bernard to try to check my son. I’d be two milliseconds on his ass.

  “Ah… Oh…okay. Good night, Jordan.” Bernard appropriately responds. He gives me a respectful nod that I return before he follows Zoey.

  I have Jordan wash up for the night and I’m right behind him. He’s sleeping in my bedroom tonight, on the pullout, because Alton is staying in his until tomorrow when Tynisha is due to arrive. We’re all at Zoey’s parents’ vacation home in South Carolina for two days. Sarah’s having a big birthday celebration tomorrow night. The following morning, Jordan and I will board a plane to Mexico.

  Being here with Zoey and Bernard is harder than I realized. He goes boor in my presence all the time. I’m not sure if he can sense my desire for her, but he damn sure makes it clear that he’s the leading man in her life. For the moment.

  I toss and turn all night, preoccupied with thoughts of Zoey being with another man. The first couple of hours are spent ear-hustling the sounds of their room down the hall. I can hear faint sounds of Zoey’s giggles and their conversation. I don’t pick up actual words, as they are down the hall and not next door. Nonetheless, I could recognize my Niña’s voice from miles away. If I told the truth, I’d say I waited to hear signs of them fucking. I know Zoey fucked Bernard. She made that clear some time ago. However, witnessing it would destroy me. I lay in bed, stretching my ears beyond the walls.