Conflicted

by Heather Dahlgren

  Once I get home after running three miles, I jump in the shower and get ready for the day. When I work the night shift, it sucks because everyone is at work while I’m here, and then they all get to go out while I work. I wouldn’t change it for the world, though. I love being a cop. I’ve done just what I promised myself I would. I put assholes like my dad in jail, and I smile every fucking time I do.

  I’m sitting at my desk going through mountains of paperwork. I need to get all the evidence possible to make sure my client goes free. I come across the police report and see Dick’s name, which causes me to feel the guilt I feel when it comes to our jobs. He arrests them, and I set them free. It causes a lot of unnecessary stress. I worked my ass off to get where I am. I’ve always dreamed of being a defense attorney, to prove the innocence of a person. I have always found the good in people. I know in my personal life that has not always been the best, but in my career, it proves to work time and time again.

  I look back down at the police report and Dick’s signature. It brings me back to a time when there was less tension.

  I just finished getting ready and made my way to the living room. Kenz and Maddie are laughing in the kitchen, and it makes me smile. I love these girls. They are exactly what I need in my life. They bring out my more adventurous side. I would never have the courage to go out and do the things we do without them pushing me. They truly are my family. It’s been so amazing since Dick and I have been together, the six of us together all the time as couples. I walk into the kitchen and join the girls.

  “Looking sexy, Becca. Dick is going to love it.” I smile at Kenz for the compliment.

  “Not as much as he’s going to love seeing it on his floor.” Maddie laughs at herself, and I shake my head, causing her to laugh harder.

  “Thanks, girls.” I grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and go lean on the counter.

  “I’m so fucking glad we ate without the guys. They take longer than we do to get ready, for fuck sake.” Kenz and I laugh at her. I’m so happy that things are finally looking positive for Maddie. I was so worried about her after everything came out about her mom. I always thought she might be hiding something like Kenz was, but never did I except it to be as horrible as it was. She is still seeing her therapist and making amazing progress.

  The door flies open, and Young comes in, which has Maddie smiling. “Who’s ready for some fucking fun?” He goes over and slams his mouth to Maddie’s and lifts her up. I look over at Kenz, and we both laugh. These two just don’t give a crap. I jump when I feel arms wrap around me. I feel Dick laugh from behind me.

  “You look beautiful, Becca,” he whispers, and I can feel my cheeks blush. I spin around, and he pulls me in for one of his protective hugs. We’ve been together just over three months, and things are amazing. When I’m in his arms, the rest of the world disappears. I can’t believe it took me so long to see him in this light.

  “You guys ready to get out of here?” Campbell breaks us out of our embrace. The girls and I grab our purses and all of us head out for a night of fun at the bar.

  We’ve been at the bar for almost two hours already. We are all feeling pretty good; well, Dick, as usual, isn’t as bad as the rest of us. Everyone is talking about their week at work, cracking jokes, and having a great time. Even though we are all together a lot of the time, it is still fun to go out and unwind. We decide that a game of pool is in order and head over when a table is finally free.

  “Girls versus guys,” Young yells before smacking Maddie’s ass and grabbing a pool cue.

  “Young, you are so fucking idiotic. It’s always a contest with you,” Campbell complains, shaking his head.

  “It’s fine, Campbell. He should know by now we can kick his ass.” Maddie and I laugh at Kenz, even though she is right.

  “Bring it on. The losers have to do whatever the winners want. Deal?” The girls and I all look at each other and smile. Maddie sticks her hand out to him and they shake.

  “Deal.” For the next hour, we play two games. They win one and we win one.

  “Alright, winning game. I’m getting tired,” Dick says, holding me close to him.

  “Whatever, pussy. You better not bitch out because you’re tired.” We all laugh at how serious he takes every game we play. The game seems to be taking forever, and that is probably because Young is taking his time with every shot. He is leaning over the table trying to line up a shot from every position he can possibly make it from.

  “Holy shit. Just take the shot.” I don’t normally curse or get worked up, but I just want to get this game over with already.

  “Hold your tits, Becca, I’m going.” He finally takes the shot and misses. We all laugh, and he throws his stick down on the pool table and goes off to the bar.

  “Tie?” We all look at Campbell and throw our sticks down.

  “Fuck yes. Let’s get the hell out of here.” Dick grabs my hand, and we wait outside for the others to grab Young. Dick has his arms wrapped around me while my head is lying on his chest. He kisses my head and moves my hair.

  “You ready for bed?” I don’t even talk; I just shake my head. He chuckles and holds me closer. “Me too. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms all night.” These are the nights that are so important to me. The six of us to start out, but just the two of us to end the night.

  A knock on my office door pulls me back to the present. “Come in.” Jeff, one of my co-workers, walks in.

  “You ready for some lunch? You’ve had yourself locked in here for hours.” I look at my watch and realize it is after one o’clock already.

  “Wow, I can’t believe it’s so late already.” I lean back in my chair and stretch.

  “So what do you say? Want me to order some Chinese, and I’ll help you finish this up so you can get home at a decent time?” It is the best offer I’ve had in a long time. I accept, and while he is back in his office ordering food, I decide to call Dick.

  “Hello?” There is a part of me that actually hurts when I hear his voice. It’s not because of our jobs, hours, or arguments, but because I don’t feel the butterflies anymore. My heart doesn’t skip a beat. It’s like calling Campbell or Young.

  “Hey. I just wanted to call and check in.” I am trying to get my paperwork in order when I hear him sigh.

  “Oh great. I’m just watching some TV before I get ready for work.”

  “Good. What time do you go in?” I pile the files and papers to the side so I don’t ruin anything with my lunch.

  “I’m heading in at four o’clock. What time are you working until?” I look at my watch again.

  “I’ll probably miss you. I still have a lot to do if I want to be ready for court next week.” He sighs again, and I know what is coming.

  “Well, you could just realize what a fucking piece of shit this guy is and let him rot in jail.” This time I sigh.

  “Let’s not do this. What time are you off tonight?”

  “I don’t get off until five in the morning. You should just sleep at home tonight. No sense in me waking you.” I close my eyes and wonder exactly when this all started going downhill. It isn’t just our jobs; it’s like we are roommates. We hardly have sex; we have more fun with the six of us together than we do alone, and most of the time when we talk, it’s conversations I would have with any of my friends.

  “That’s fine, Dick. Listen, I need to get off and get back to work. Well, I’m having lunch with Jeff first, but he’s going to help me finish up.” Jeff walks in with a soda for me.

  “Alright. Don’t work too hard, and tell Jeff I said hey. I’ll talk to you soon.” We both hang up, and I sigh again. Sometimes, I wonder if we are better off the way we used to be, before we got together.

  My partner, Charles, and I are just finishing up for the night. It wasn’t an active night. A few traffic stops and a call to a disturbance in an apartment building. Sometimes, it’s nice to have a night when you don’t have to see all the horrible things. I’ll sleep well knowing nothi
ng serious happened on my watch tonight.

  “You want to grab some food or just head back to the station?” I look over at Charles, who is playing on his damn phone again. The guy spends more time on Facebook than anyone I know.

  “I’ll stop at a drive-through, but I’m not eating anywhere. I’m fucking beat and just want to eat and go to bed. That cool?” He doesn’t say anything, so when I stop at a light, I look over to see him glued to his phone. I lean over and smack it out of his hands, causing it to fall behind his seat.

  “What the fuck, Keith? Why did you do that?” I’m laughing as I proceed through the light.

  “Because, you fucking prick, I’m sick of having a one-way conversation. You need to give that fucking thing a rest. I asked you a question. Is a drive-through good with you?” He is trying to find his phone when he looks up at me.

  “Drive-through is fucking great, you prick.” I laugh and put on my blinker before turning into McDonald’s. Once we get our food, I head to the station. “So dare I ask how things are with Becca?” I glance over at him and raise an eyebrow. “Dude, don’t act like it’s not obvious. I know you guys aren’t as close as you were. Just wondering if you guys realize it yet?” I flip him off and completely ignore the question. I want to tell him what a fucking asshole he is for saying something like that, for assuming things are different. But I can’t because he’s right. It’s become almost as if we are together because that’s what is expected at this point. In the beginning, it really felt like this was meant to happen, but now I feel like we are just sticking it out because we are supposed to. It should be the six of us together, happily ever after, right? I just wish I still believed that.

  “How are the wedding plans coming along? Lisa still trying to get you to Paris for the honeymoon?” I’ll talk about anything at this point. I just want conversation. Charles blows out a breath and scrubs his face.

  “Every time I turn around, we are needing more money for something. I wanted to have a small thing, but she wants this huge wedding, and lucky for her, I love her more than life itself. It just sucks handing over my entire paycheck and worrying how the hell the bills will get paid.” I chuckle even though I feel a bit of jealousy that he has this undeniable love with Lisa. I want that. I want to have a love that is worth fighting for, worth laying my life down for. I’m so thankful to be turning into the precinct right now because I feel guilty for my thoughts.

  “It will be worth every penny, man, when you see her walking down the aisle to you.” He slaps my shoulder, and I look over at him smiling as I throw the car in park.

  “Dude, you have no idea.” We both climb out of the car and go inside to finish up a bit of paperwork from the night. Once we are finally done, we head home, and I eat my burger on the ride.

  I go up to my apartment and jump in the shower. I go into my room, throw on a pair of boxers, and fall into bed. It’s after six in the morning, and I’m fucking exhausted. I just close my eyes, and my cell phone rings. I reach over to my nightstand and fumble around to find it. I’m sure it’s my mom just checking in. She does that weekly, and I love hearing her voice. “Hello?”

  “Keith?” I bolt up in bed at the tears I hear in Connie’s voice.

  “Connie, what’s wrong?” She starts to really cry, and I jump out of bed and start pacing. I don’t like the feeling I have. I hate being this far away; I can’t just run over to them. After she still doesn’t say anything, I try to get her to relax. “Hey. Listen, whatever it is, I’ll fix it, but you need to calm down, and tell me what happened.” She sniffles a few times before she finally starts talking.

  “It’s Dad.” I freeze in place. What the fuck did that prick do now?

  “What happened, Connie?” She blows out a breath and clears her throat.

  “He’s back in jail; this time I think it will be for a long time.” I shake my head thinking of all the things he could have done now.

  “Connie, please just tell me. You are fucking killing me here.”

  “Sorry. He came home completely drunk and . . .” She starts crying again but tries to talk through it this time. “And he hit Mom. It was bad, Keith, really bad. Karen was here and called me. I got here as fast as I could, but he really hurt her. I called the cops on the way over, so they got here the same time I did. We ran in the house, and he was sitting on her, choking her. Karen was screaming. The cops tackled him, and he still kept fighting. Karen and I ran over to Mom, and she had tears running down her face with a bloody nose and busted lip. They cuffed dad and called an ambulance. Karen and I wanted to go with Mom, but they needed us to stay to get our statement. They told us that he will probably be in jail for a long time.” She is sobbing at this point, and my blood has literally turned to ice. That fucking piece of shit. I need to go take care of this and my family. I will make damn sure that fucking worthless asshole stays in jail this time.

  “Connie, try to calm down. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I need to see if I can take some leave and tie up a few things here. I promise I’ll be there as soon as possible. Have you been to see Mom yet?” I’m pacing my room trying to figure out how long I can leave without losing my job. In the past when I went home, I was just missing school, so I stayed as long as I was needed. This time, I know it will take a while, and I fucking hope I can get the time.

  “The cops just left. I wanted to call you first. We are going to leave now.” I look out the window, see the sun starting to rise, and think that to someone this is a fresh start of a new day. To me it means the start of weeks of hell.

  “Go to Mom. Call me when you know how she is, and you make sure that she presses charges, Connie. I’m not fucking around. I can’t get there fast enough to make sure it’s done. I’m depending on you.” Without that, my dad won’t spend more than a few days in jail. She needs to do it. Connie starts crying again, and I feel like an asshole for being so tough. “Connie, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’ve just seen this so many times, and once the wife has time to justify things, she doesn’t press charges, and things always get worse. I can’t have that for Mom or you and Karen. Please promise me you’ll make her do it.” She takes a deep breath and blows it out.

  “I promise, Keith.” I hear Karen in the background, and I know they will be leaving.

  “Alright, you guys go. Please call me, and don’t forget what I said. I love you.”

  “I love you too, big brother. I’ll call you soon.” We hang up, and I squeeze my phone in my hand. I can’t believe how bad shit has gotten since I was there last. I need to get there, to take care of my family like I always said I would.

  I go out into the kitchen to start the coffee pot because I won’t be getting any sleep now. Once the coffee starts brewing, I lean on the counter with my folded arms and close my eyes tightly. The thought of what my mom just endured, and my sisters having to see it, makes me sick to my stomach. This is why I’m a cop, and I’m not even there to protect them.

  “Dick, you alright?” I snap my eyes open when Campbell asks me. He is standing in the kitchen with a look of worry on his face. I might as well tell him since I’ll be leaving soon.

  “No, man, I’m not.” I proceed to tell him everything, and he pulls me into a hug.

  “Fuck, I had no idea it was so bad at home. When are you leaving?” We break apart and lean against opposite counters.

  “I don’t know; as soon as possible. I need to make sure I can get some leave; I don’t want to lose my job. I also need to talk to Becca about some things.” He raises his eyebrows, and I shake my head. “I need to talk to her first.” He nods and grabs two mugs out of the cabinet. After we fix our coffee, we go sit on the couch.

  “Well, since it seems you probably won’t be here, I’m going to tell you first.” I cock my head waiting to see what he has to say. He gets a huge grin on his face, and I crack a small smile.

  “I’m going to ask Kenz to marry me.” We hug it out for the second time. I couldn’t be happier for him. He and Kenz are perfect for each other;
they belong together. She couldn’t ask for a better husband.

  “Campbell, I am so fucking happy for you. I wish you guys all the happiness in the world. Did you get a ring yet?” He shakes his head as he sips his coffee.

  “Not yet. I was going to look after work today. I know exactly what I’m looking for, it’s just finding it.” I smile again. These two have been through hell and back, yet they still came out on the other side. That takes a lot of love.

  “Listen, I need to go talk to Becca before she leaves for work. I really am fucking happy for you.” He has a huge smile on his face so I know he heard me, but he is lost in thought of Kenz, no less. It makes what I need to do that much more important.

  I walk across the hall and knock on the girls’ door. I know it’s early as fuck, but Becca will be up. She is always up early. Just as I figured, she is the one to open the door. “Dick? What’s wrong?” I try to plaster a fake smile on my face, but it is useless.

  “Becca, we need to talk.” She nods her head and lets me in. She must know because she leads me into her room and closes the door. She sits down on the bed, and I sit next to her. I clear my throat a few times, and I notice she is wringing her hands together. “First of all, I need to go home. My dad beat the shit out of my mom. He’s in jail; she’s in the hospital.” She turns her head and looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Don’t cry. I’m going to handle it all, but I need to do that from home. I can’t help them if I’m here.” She shakes her head but doesn’t say a word. “There’s more.” She gives me a half smile and grabs my hand.

  “I know, Dick. I feel it too.” I feel like a weight has been lifted.