Pendrackon

by Aaron Oster

  Back on earth, he’d suffered from horrible claustrophobia, but as Gordon had told him back when he’d first arrived, increasing his Mind Over All skill had mitigated that greatly. Now, when he entered tight and enclosed spaces, he only felt mild discomfort, like an unpleasant tingling on the back of his neck, instead of the crippling fear of impending doom. Still, it felt good to be out of that tunnel.

  “Finally!” Emma said, pressing her fists into the small of her back and arching in a stretch. “Any longer in there, and I might have lost it. Tunnels like that give me the creeps.”

  There was a slight ding in Sam’s ear as Percy Valor, who was bringing up the rear, exited the tunnel as well, letting him know that this part of the quest was complete.

  “So, where do we go from here?” Sam asked, dismissing the notification.

  “Beats me,” Gawk Wayne said, taking a seat and letting out a long sigh. “But if I had a choice, I’d hightail it out of this kingdom and go work somewhere else. I like Ahr Thurr, but ever since that enchantress moved in, he’s been insufferable. I mean, he had us tossed in prison!”

  “Yeah, I don’t much feel like going back either,” Percy said, folding his arms.

  “That’s because you’re a coward who hates fighting,” Gawk said with a snort.

  “Hey! I’m not a coward! I just think there are better ways of fighting than charging straight in and swinging for the head.”

  “But that’s the knight’s way!” Gawk snapped back.

  “Yeah, and how did that work out for us the first time around?” Percy asked. “Everyone, except Spearlittle and the two of us, was enchanted within moments by that enchantress. The only reason we even got away was because she was too tied up with solidifying her hold over the others. And why? Because you said that she was weak, and we could easily take her!”

  “Wait, just how strong is this enchantress?” Sam asked, cutting into their argument.

  “She’s not really all that strong,” Gawk Wayne said. “It’s her magic that’s the problem. While we may be stronger, our defenses against magic aren’t exactly the best.”

  “What he meant to say,” Percy said with a glare, “is that we don’t have a single Mage in the entire court. That idiot Spearlittle convinced the king to exile our court Mage, Merr Lynn, and when the enchantress showed up, we had no one who could fight her. If the man wasn’t such a complete idiot, I might even have thought he was in league with her, but Spearlittle is too stupid for such conniving plots.”

  “Did I hear somebody say Spearlittle?”

  Everyone turned to see the man himself strutting out of the hidden tunnel, a wide, idiotic smile spread across his face.

  “Huzzah! I have vanquished the evil-doers and come to thine aid in your time of need. For I, the noble Sir Spear…”

  “Shut up!” yelled Percy and Gawk at the same time.

  “Yeah, what they said!” Emma yelled.

  “It’s because of your stupidity that we were in that situation in the first place!” Sam said, joining in the bashing party.

  “Fuck you!” Barry yelled, though only Sam, Emma, and Gordon could understand him.

  “I see not why you are so angry with me, my comrades,” Spearlittle said, his ego somewhat deflated. “Did I not come to thine aid when thou wert in need of…”

  “Shut the fuck up!” Gawk Wayne yelled, coming right up into the knight’s face. “If you had just told those two about the secret way in, they could have saved us without the need to fight More Dread! If we were hoping to catch Borgana off guard, your actions have well and truly fucked that plan in its proverbial ass!”

  “Good Sir! For a knight of your caliber to utter such vulgar…”

  “And STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!” roared Gawk, his face so red that Sam was beginning to become alarmed for the man’s health. “Literally no one talks that way!”

  The knight seemed dumbfounded as Gawk Wayne stalked away, muttering under his breath about all the ways he would end the idiot.

  “Ah, good old Temper Tantrum,” Spearlittle said as soon as he was out of earshot. “You know, back in the palace, his tantrums were the stuff of legend! Why, I remember when I went to slay that dragon nary a decade ago…”

  “Spearlittle, focus,” Percy said, snapping a finger before his face. “We need to decide what to do next regarding the enchantress.”

  “Ah, but of course!” said the knight, puffing out his chest. “Now that I have been joined by my brave – but obviously not braver than I – comrades, we can mount an assault on the witch’s fortress and save the king and the princess!”

  “Wait, I thought the princess had fled?” Percy said, confused.

  “Alas, evil has a far reach…”

  “This idiot hired some goon to kidnap her and then drag her back to the king,” Sam cut in. “It’s all his fault, and don’t let him convince you otherwise.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” Percy sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. “Look, Spearlittle, posturing and idiocy aside, how do you plan on saving the king?”

  “Huzzah!” Spearlittle said, seemingly unfazed by the insults. “All we must do is mount a frontal assault on the castle and bring the enchantress to justice!”

  “No! That won’t work!” snapped Percy. “That’s what we did last time, and it’s why nine of the Knights of the Oval Cushion are now under her thrall. If we charge in headlong, we’ll all be captured or killed. So, you either come up with a viable plan or Gawk and I will be defecting to the South. It’s warmer there and the Queen there isn’t a total moron.”

  “How dare you? That is high treason!” Spearlittle roared, drawing his lance.

  Percy Valor turned to Sam and gave him a shrug.

  “I tried. I’m out. Thanks for saving us and all, and if I were you, I’d just leave this dump of a kingdom to burn.”

  “Where dost thou think you are going?!” Spearlittle yelled as Gawk Wayne flipped him off, then joined Percy.

  “I shall not forgive thine treasonous act. It is a declaration of war!”

  “Shove it up your piehole, dick!”

  Sam watched the two knights go with a mix of pity, confusion, and anger. The whole reason for pulling these two out of the dungeon was so that they would help take down Borgana. But now, with the two of them defecting to the South Kingdom, it would be just Emma, Sam, their companions, and Spearlittle once again.

  “Fiends, I shall not forgiveth thee!” Spearlittle yelled.

  “For fuck’s sake, just give it up!” Emma finally said. “If you’re just going to stand here and threaten them, but not actually do anything, then shut up! You’re not helping anyone, and you’re just drawing attention to us!”

  Spearlittle turned to her, but instead of being angry as they all expected, he flashed her a beaming smile.

  “Alas, my fair maiden, being a knight is never easy! Huzzah! Why, I remember a time when…”

  “Listen, pal,” Sam said, feeling a serious migraine coming on. “If you don’t give us the next part of the quest within the next five seconds, we’ll be leaving, and you can go rescue your kingdom on your own. No reward is worth listening to your bullshit for even another second.”

  “I…see,” Spearlittle said, the smile slipping from his face. “Very well, I do have a plan to rescue the king, but seeing as my comrades have lefteth me, I shall have to modify the plan to suit our needs.”

  “While we’re at it, you’ve gotta drop that Shakespearian bullshit,” Emma said. “You’re not fooling anyone, and you’re not even using the words correctly half the time!”

  “But, alas, my fair maiden,” Spearlittle said with a false, mournful expression. “One cannot simply change who they are, simply because another wishes them to do so. It is called standing up for thineself! Why, when I was nary but a young lad, back in my small hometown of…”

  “You’ve got two seconds left,” Sam said, already half-turning to leave.

  “Wait! Here is the updated quest!”

  33
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  QUEST UPDATE

  Enchanted Kingdom: The enchantress Borgana has infiltrated the palace and enthralled the King. After rescuing the knights, they defected, due to Spearlittle’s idiocy. It now falls to you, and you alone, to save the kingdom.

  Difficulty: Extreme

  Main Objective: Kill Borgana the Frayed

  Current Objective: Clear the Temporary Dungeon – Kamellittle Castle

  Rewards: 85,000 XP, 2 Legendary Items, 1 Master Spell Scroll, 10 Electrum coins, 1 1LB Bar of Orichalcum

  Sam debated dismissing the notification and dropping the quest on the spot. After all the work they’d done to free those two knights, Spearlittle was now going to make them enter the palace, which had apparently been turned into a Dungeon, and clear it on their own, without any help. Sure, the rewards had gone up, but he didn’t think it was worth it, and this time, he went with his gut.

  “Hell no,” he said, dismissing the update. “There’s no way we’re going into that death trap alone after your screw-up. If you want to sucker someone else into this quest, go right ahead. But we’re not going to do it!”

  “Fiend!” Spearlittle said, righteous indignity practically oozing out of him. “Art thou refusing to complete a quest after accepted? In the name of our Overlord, this shall not stand!”

  Sam hesitated for a moment at that, remembering that Spearlittle could technically call an Inquiry, and he would be obliterated.

  “There is nothing to fear here,” Gordon assured him, as though sensing his uncertainty. “Spearlittle is not the original issuer of this quest and thus has no power to call an Inquiry. Honestly, you could likely call one right now, citing that he has been stringing you along, making ever more ridiculous demands without offering any reward or compensation for completing a task.”

  “Cannot you even control thine own hound, dishonorable cur?” Spearlittle demanded, eyeing Gordon with distaste.

  “Yeah, I’m not falling for that bullshit, knight,” Sam said, folding his arms. “Now, you either cough up the rewards that we’ve earned, find us a better plan, or I’ll call an Inquiry and see whose side the Inquirer takes.”

  For the first time since they’d met, Sam saw the knight grow pale as fear flashed in his eyes. It seemed Gordon had been right. The knight had been stringing them along without offering a reward, instead promising to pay them when this was all over. In fact, they were expecting the princess to doll out the entire reward. However, her original promise had been for far less. So, who would be paying up for all the rest?

  “Now, now, there is no need to be hasty…” Spearlittle began.

  “No, I think there is,” Sam replied, folding his arms over his chest and narrowing his eyes. “The rewards keep increasing, but who is going to pay up if we complete the quest? Or, are you hoping that by forcing us in alone, we’ll weaken them enough to make it easier for you but die in the process, thus eliminating the need to pay up?”

  “Now, see here…!”

  “No! You see!” Sam replied. “I’m done! I gave you a chance, and you blew it. It’s your fault the princess was captured and your fault that there’s no backup. It’s your mess, so you clean it up!”

  Sam then opened his status and declined the quest before turning to face Emma.

  “Sorry that I made an executive decision, but I have a feeling that we wouldn’t have survived to enjoy the rewards.”

  Emma shrugged.

  “Hey, no complaints here,” she said. “But you do realize that this will put us squarely on the guild’s bad side, right?”

  Sam nodded. Seeing as the guild had also played some part in this quest, they would be pissed that they hadn’t followed through, but he couldn’t care less. They hadn’t offered him any reward past a botched teleportation that had nearly gotten them turned into pal-tee stew. He was sick and tired of trying to fix other people’s problems.

  Why was it that none of these morons even tried to fight for themselves instead of pawning it off on others?

  All these people were always like: ‘Boohoo, someone stole my cows, but I’m too much of a wuss to go get them myself or report it to the guards, so you go get it for me and I’ll pay you.’

  Or, ‘I’m a powerful warrior, but for some convoluted reason, I find myself unable to go into the woods and kill a monster I can squash with my pinky. Instead, I’ll let my people suffer unless you go and stop it.’

  Or who could forget the favorite, ‘Wah, the kingdom is in danger and no one’s qualified except for you, random stranger. Do it, and I’ll shower you with wealth.’

  All of this whining and bullshit made him sick. From now on, he would be doing things his way. No more stupid quests. He would gain all his XP and rewards from Dungeons and nothing else!

  “Would you perhaps consider completing the quest for this?” asked Spearlittle.

  QUEST UPDATE

  Enchanted Kingdom: The enchantress Borgana has infiltrated the palace and enthralled the King. Spearlittle has offered to join you and will stand by your side.

  Difficulty: Very Hard

  Main Objective: Kill Borgana the Frayed

  Current Objective: Clear the Temporary Dungeon – Kamellittle Castle

  Rewards: 150,000 XP, 1 Soul-Forged Item, 1 Master Spell Scroll, 20 Electrum coins, 1 1LB Bar of Orichalcum

  Sam blinked, noting the massive increase in reward and the drop in difficulty from Extreme to Very Hard.

  “If you don’t accept this, I’m going to kick you in the balls,” Emma whispered, letting him know clearly that under no circumstances was he to turn away such a massive reward.

  “Sold,” he said, accepting the quest.

  “Wow, you’re such a hypocrite.”

  “Shut up, shoulder devil, I didn’t ask for your opinion!” Sam mentally snapped, slapping his shoulder and making the little red version of himself vanish in a puff of smoke.

  “Huzzah! Nobility shall serve until the end!” Spearlittle crowed.

  “No,” Sam said. “It was greed. Plain and simple. Now you’re going to help us clear this Dungeon and kill the enchantress. Then, we’re going to get our reward. After that, we will never see each other again. Is that a deal?”

  “Very well! We have an accord,” Spearlittle said, shaking his hand. “Now let us be off to save the kingdom. Huzzah!”

  ***

  “If I hear one more ‘huzzah,’ I think I’m going to lose it!”

  It was the following day, and their group was well on its way to the city of Kamellittle. They’d spent the previous night camped in the woods, hiding from patrols sent out to find the intruders. But luckily, it seemed they’d given up by morning, which begged the question as to how this kingdom was still running with such lazy soldiers guarding the place.

  “Hey, you’re the one who insisted on working with this clown,” Sam said with a grin.

  Emma glared at him, then turned her attention straight ahead to where Spearlittle was strutting with his head held high as he tortured Gordon with stories of his exploits. Clearly, the man would talk to anyone, even a dog, about his great deeds. He had no way of knowing that Gordon could understand everything he said, yet he still rambled on.

  He’d tried to rope Barry into it as well, but when the bird had crapped on his head, he’d quickly changed his mind. Now the bird sat on Emma’s shoulder, eating a small piece of pepper while he stared at the knight with narrowed eyes. Spearlittle hadn’t let him get away with crapping on him and had pulled a small tuft on feathers from Barry’s rear, leaving him with a very noticeable bald spot. The bird was likely planning his revenge as they spoke.

  “Don’t give me that look,” Sam said in response to Emma’s glare. “We’ll be done with this quest in a day or two, and then we’ll be home free and rich, to boot. You have any idea how much a full pound of orichalcum is worth?”

  “Well, if I’m not mistaken, there are ten electrum coins to a single orichalcum. If a coin weighs about an ounce and there are sixteen ounces to a pound, then that would
end up being one hundred and sixty electrum, or sixteen-thousand gold. If we include the twenty electrum coins that we’ll be getting on top of that, we’ll finish this job with one hundred and eighty-thousand dollars-worth of currency, and that’s not even factoring in the items we will be getting.”

  “Wow, you’re really good at math,” Sam said, impressed. “I was asking because I genuinely couldn’t figure it out. I’m terrible at math.”

  “Don’t you worry your cute butt about that,” she said with a wink. “Keep me around and I’ll figure stuff out for you anytime.”

  “Thanks,” Sam replied, brushing over the innuendo there at the end. “But I’m really hoping this increased intellect thing comes along soon so I don’t have to keep relying on you.”

  “Are you saying you’ll ditch me the second you can think for yourself?” Emma asked in mock surprise.

  “You bet your ass I will,” Sam replied. “With you gone, my butt will be safe once again.”

  “Well, don’t think you can get rid of me so easily,” Emma said with a smirk. “I like your butt and don’t feel like letting you have it all to yourself.”

  Sam tried to dodge, but his Agility was way too slow to avoid the slap.

  “You know, if I’d done that to you without asking, it would be called sexual harassment,” Sam grumbled.

  “Perks of being a girl,” she replied with a cheeky wink.

  “…and that’s how it went. I defeated the dragon, stole its gold, and set the kingdom free! Huzzah!”

  “Fucking hell, that guy knows how to ruin someone’s good time!” Emma exclaimed.

  “Well, if it bothers you so much, just think about poor Gordon having to endure that clown’s antics,” Sam pointed out, motioning to the dog.