All to Love You

by Anna Antonia

  You’ve already made your decision.

  I nodded and said my hellos to David at reception. I greeted my colleagues as if it were any normal day. My supervisor’s open door sent a shockwave of cold fright through my system. Steeling myself against emotion, I took a deep breath and let myself go cold and blank.

  I knocked on the door and Jerry Jefferson waved me in. I’d liked working for Jerry. He wasn’t a micro-manager and he wasn’t a screamer. He treated the staff as valuable colleagues and not like a group of misbehaving children. I knew good supervisors weren’t easy to come by and I’d definitely miss being here.

  “Have a sit, Emma.” He jumped up and closed the door behind me.

  I folded my hands in my lap and made sure my back was straight. I was going to make this direct and concise. The least I could do was have good posture while I dismantled my life piece by bloody piece.

  “Mr. Jefferson, I’m afraid I’m going to have to turn in my notice today. Effective immediately.”

  He didn’t look surprised or even angry. “I know.”

  My face froze. “You do?”

  “Yes. Mr. Gordon already contacted me.”

  I didn’t know which one that would be and didn’t want to ask even though it should’ve been my primary question.

  “He did.”

  “Yes. He also asked that I hold your position for you while you take your unavoidable leave and even supplied the temp.” Jerry leaned back in his seat. “You know this isn’t typically how we handle situations like yours but you’ve been a solid employee, Emma, and I’d like to see you stay.”

  “You’d like to see me stay.” I didn’t mean to repeat the words back to him, but it was all I could think to say as my mind whirled.

  “Of course.”

  I cleared my throat and asked, “And Mr. Gordon has handled all of this?”

  “Yes.”

  “May I ask which Mr. Gordon?” It had to be Gabriel.

  “Gabriel Gordon.”

  “Ah. I see. That was very kind of him.” I didn’t know what else to say. Gabriel had already covered his bases from halfway around the world. I should’ve been unnerved by his reach. I wasn’t. It made me feel like a spark was growing inside me, growing ever-stronger with each breath I took.

  “You can leave your personal effects in the locked drawer at your desk if you want. They’ll be undisturbed for as long as you’re out.”

  “Thank you.”

  Part of me wanted to tell Jerry it was all unnecessary, that I wasn’t coming back. The other part of me, the one warmed by the spark Gabriel put inside me, bade me to keep quiet and to trust that maybe we’d find a way back to each other.

  I shouldn’t have nurtured the sliver of hope when I was methodically taking apart my life. But I could forgive myself this bit of weakness.

  “We’ve got it covered from here out, Emma.” Jerry stood up and so did I. He extended his hand and I shook it automatically. “Good luck and we’ll see you soon.”

  “Is there anything you need from me as far as the temp goes?”

  “No. She came in yesterday and is already working.”

  I nodded, feeling irrationally miffed that my position was so easy to fill before sternly telling myself to knock it off. I just needed to be glad that Med-Tech wasn’t being left in a lurch.

  “Okay. I’ll just go take care of my things then.” I turned around, ready to walk out the door, before turning back around. “I appreciate you doing this for me, Jerry.”

  He shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “You don’t have to thank me, Emma. Really.”

  My gaze zeroed in on his before his flickered away. Jerry looked a bit guilty. Gabriel may have bribed him to ensure I’d have a place to come back to and so he had an incentive to keep me.

  “Thanks anyways. I’ll call in every two weeks if that works for you?”

  “It’s unnecessary, Emma, but you can check in once a month. But you don’t have to. We’ll have everything in hand.”

  I left Jerry’s office with a small smile. He had four kids and his wife worked out of the home. Any extra bit of money was bound to be heartily welcomed and needed in the Jefferson household.

  Never mind the fact that if it wasn’t for Gabriel I wouldn’t still have my job. The minor comfort to me now was that I did. I’d take all the little comforts that I could get.

  Squaring my shoulders, I walked the short distance over to my cubicle. Kevin was hunched over at his desk. He turned around when I came inside. “Hi, Kevin. I don’t know if you’ve heard—”

  His heavily lined brow furrowed deeper. “I heard. You got a leave of absence.” He stood up and enfolded my hand in his before giving it a firm shake. “Take care of yourself and get back as soon as you can.”

  My small smile couldn’t communicate how much I appreciated his gruff command. Although we didn’t talk much, Kevin was the only person here that I was even remotely personal towards. It felt good to know I was going to be missed. A little.

  I popped into my cube. My replacement, a serious-looking woman about my height with the same coloring, stood up and greeted me. “Hello, Ms. Adams. I’m Joyce and I’ll be filling in for you while you’re gone.”

  My lip twitched. I couldn’t help but wonder if I looked as dry and emotionless as she did. Something told me that yes, I did. There was no doubt this was also a message from Gabriel to me.

  Bittersweet nostalgia came over me as I imagined my love laughing and saying, “Live a little, Emma. The world will keep spinning if you smile every now and then. Here’s Joyce as a reminder of what you will turn back into if you try to leave me again. Take the warning seriously because I do.”

  Pain stabbed through me. Without Gabriel there was very little to smile about. Life seemed to stretch out in endless colorless miles. I gave Joyce a clipped nod. “I appreciate you coming in on such short notice. Please contact me via company e-mail if you need anything from me.”

  “Will do.”

  Looking over her shoulder at my pictures, I said with minimal emotion, “I just need to get a few things and then I’ll be out of your way.”

  She stepped aside and then told me she was going to the break room for a drink and did I want any? Thanking her with a polite “no” I waited until she stepped out. I then got my desk key and unlocked the empty bottom drawer. I made quick work of putting my few pictures with my mom inside. When I got to the one of Gabriel and me at the fundraiser, my resolve faltered.

  I didn’t want to see it locked away. My troubled gaze went over to my flowers. I also didn’t want to be the one to toss them away. It was better to just leave them there for Joyce to enjoy for another day or two.

  That’s when I noticed the card nestled snugly within the velvety blooms. I touched the corner of the crisp rectangle, making sure it was indeed mine and not Joyce’s.

  Emma.

  Definitely mine. Reaching out, I carefully pulled it free. I was afraid to read it just yet.

  Inhaling deeply, I slipped it and our picture into my bag and then locked the drawer. It wasn’t going to hurt any less to keep it with me and considering everything that I had done, I could be a little selfish this time.

  I briskly left my cubicle, stopped, and then turned around. Those were my flowers and I didn’t want to leave them behind. I plucked the vase off the grey surface and then left again, not allowing myself to turn around and look back. Whether I’d ever be here again wasn’t quite as clear as before, but I couldn’t hang my hope on it.

  Still, the ember burned steadily inside with each whiff of my fragrant roses. Gabriel had found a way to talk to me and maybe this time I’d listen for a little bit.

  SIX

  Driving out of the parking garage, I felt undeniably lost. There was nowhere for me to be and nowhere for me to go. I could always make the long drive back to my mom’s and camp out there for a bit. I could also see if I could meet up with Gretchen…

  No and no.

  I didn’t want to hang aroun
d like fungus in my mom’s house, making her worry for me over something that was my own damned fault. I also didn’t want to cry on Gretchen’s shoulder once again. She wasn’t a doll I could pull off the shelf every time I needed to talk about my Gabriel problems. It wasn’t fair to either of them to have to shoulder my issues.

  I needed to handle my problems myself. Clenching my jaw, I looked up at the sky. I could see this view anywhere. An idea took hold of me and didn’t let go.

  Paris.

  I was supposed to be going in two months. Maybe I could bump that up. I could exchange the tickets and surely I’d be able to arrange for a room at another hotel if need be.

  I had plenty of money set aside for my trip without ever having to dip into my savings. I wasn’t quite ready to buy the house for my mom yet, but that was mainly because I didn’t have a year’s worth of mortgage payments saved up. The down payment was already handled. Maybe it was time to pull the trigger. I needed to contact the Rosenburgs and see if they’d be ready to sell sooner than later.

  I didn’t know what was going to happen with my life next, but I was ready to take care of my obligations regardless of my personal issues. My mom deserved to have a beautiful house for all the sacrifices she’d made for me. From then on, I’d figure out the next step. It wouldn’t take long for me to find employment. I was smart, hardworking, and determined. There was nothing I couldn’t do.

  Calmed by my planning, I felt my stomach finally settle down and my heartbeat resume a somewhat normal cadence. My roses, carefully strapped in the passenger seat next to me, reminded me of Gabriel’s unspoken promises. He was planning for the future like I was, but unlike me, his plans were of hope.

  Just as I thought I’d gotten my strength back, the tears came back again. How could he still even want me after I cut him out like I had? How could he send me flowers knowing I wouldn’t even pick up the phone and talk to him? How could he have made sure I’d still have a job, despite Lucas’s threats?

  Why was I so important to him?

  I dashed a hand across my face. My mom was right. I was absolutely terrified of my emotions. I wanted to shut them down because if my emotions were to have control, I’d pick up the phone and beg for Gabriel to forgive me and to let me come back to him.

  I’d be selfish, damning Gordon Industries and Lucas Gordon. I’d turn a blind eye to Marie and her discreet but obvious feelings for her brother-in-law. I’d ignore my suspicions that Lucas and not Ryan was Gabriel’s real father. I’d thumb my nose at society and keep Gabriel by my side, regardless of the damage it would cause.

  It was obvious why I couldn’t let my emotions have free rein. I was selfish at the core and always had been. I’d always wanted my mom’s attention and time all for myself, regardless of how much she had to work. I pretended I was self-sufficient because I didn’t want that ugly side of me to take over.

  And Gabriel.

  Gabriel was the one I’d always needed. I’d been so obsessed with him, pretending that watching him was enough for me, that I’d never want anything more. It was all lies. I’d wanted everything.

  I still did.

  I wanted him so much that if I gave myself any wiggle room at all, I’d never let him go. I’d put my needs above Gabriel’s in a heartbeat. I’d be that self-centered, that disgusting, because the very idea of being out of his sphere made me feel lifeless.

  I was unbearably selfish to even think it.

  No wonder I didn’t care for my emotions. It was best for everyone to keep a lid on them. Otherwise it was too dangerous to see what else would slither out.

  Was everyone this twisted in the head? It was probably just me. Like always.

  My gaze cut back to the passenger seat. The roses couldn’t be looked at in the hopes of a deeper commitment or a way out of my predicament. What was I thinking? Not even more than a day in and I was already looking for a way to back out of the situation. Filled with anger and disappointment, I changed lanes and maneuvered my way off the interstate.

  I needed to change everything about my life. First, I needed to get a new number. Was it extreme? Probably.

  Still, I couldn’t take the chance of keeping the digital link between us. Eventually, I was going to have to turn my phone back on. How much time would it be before I’d give into temptation and take a call from him? Or worse, call him in tears because I missed him so damned much?

  The first strip mall I passed had a store for my carrier. Thankful for this bit of luck, I pulled in and walked into the near-empty store. Less than an hour later I left with a brand new number. I then swung over to my storage shed for my suitcases.

  I couldn’t say I was exactly looking forward to Paris but I needed a place lick my wounds in private.

  What better place than the city of lights and love? The one place in the world where I’ll be surrounded by lovers of all ages?

  Fuck. Me.

  Throwing my suitcases in the trunk made me feel only slightly better.

  SEVEN

  “Are you sure you don’t want to stay here for a bit, Em? You know I don’t mind. I’ll even put you on a crew to work if you want to clear your mind.”

  It wasn’t any wonder that I’d regularly lose myself in work as a coping mechanism considering I’d learned from the best.

  “Thanks, Mom, but no thanks.”

  “You sure? You always were one of my best girls. I never had to go behind you and redo your work.”

  My mom and I were curled up on opposite ends of the couch, a blanket draped over both of us while Dr. Phil was telling it like it was to some couple trapped in a bizarre love triangle.

  “Thanks, Mom. Really. I just need to leave for a bit, you know?” I’d just finished telling her about Paris. Not surprisingly my mom zeroed in on the practical.

  “What about your job? Your vacation was scheduled in a couple of months, right? Surely they don’t have enough time to cover you.”

  “Yeah, well about that…” I managed to fill her in on Joyce and my job and Gabriel’s elegant hand in all of it.

  Her eyebrows rose high. “So he knows already that you’re trying to break it off.”

  “So it would seem.”

  “It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to let you go though.”

  “I guess not.” Did it make me a really bad person because I took comfort in that?

  “I saw the roses in your room. Are they from him too?”

  Nodding, I explained, “They were at my cubicle. He likes to give me flowers for, as he calls it, my little cage.” A laugh tickled my throat chased by a small sob. I coughed to cover it up.

  My mom waited a beat. “You know it could be said that Gabriel’s a little obsessive, Emma.”

  “Hmm.” He wasn’t the only one. Not by a long shot. I tossed out a little smile accompanied by a shrug. “Our relationship isn’t normal and never has been.”

  My mother cocked her head and asked softly, “You don’t feel unsafe though?”

  Shock reverberated through me. I felt safest when I was with Gabriel and the knowledge that I’d never know that comfort, that exquisite freedom of being completely vulnerable with another human being was enough to send a quiver through my voice.

  “No! Gabriel would never hurt me, Mom. Ever. That’s not why I’m leaving or doing any of this. I would’ve stayed with him forever if I could’ve. If being with him didn’t bring him problems.”

  “I believe you,” she soothed quickly. “I just wanted to put it out there and see how you reacted. That’s all. I needed to know if I had to kick his ass. Obviously, I don’t.”

  The tension eased out of me. How could I forget the many inventive ways my Mom pulled information out of me? I laughed and pointed out, “Language.”

  She waved it off as she always did. “Just as long as you know where I stand.”

  “I do and you’re the best mom I could ever ask for.”

  “I do what I can.” She winked and handed me the half-empty bowl of popcorn. “So when are you le
aving again?”

  “Tomorrow night. I’m catching the red-eye so I can be there in the morning.” I munched on a fistful of the salty snack, letting my mind drift to the last time I’d eaten popcorn.

  Last week. I’d introduced Gabriel to the classic “Big Trouble in Little Chinatown.” It was so fun watching it together.

  Was this how life was going to be? Every experience a potential pitfall of memory and associated pain? God, help me. How was I going to survive the rest of my days like this?

  Growing older, experiencing the steady siphoning of my youth as my heart lay firmly in the past, until one day I’d see that my whole life was gone and yet the spent decades still couldn’t compare to the one magical month I’d had with a beautiful angel.

  It was too tragic to bear.

  “Are you already packed?”

  I dragged my attention from my inner morass of ugly self-pity. “Yes. I’m not taking much.”

  “You’ve got everything you need? Passport and all that stuff? What about money? Do you need some cash? I have some to spare.”

  How sweet and so typical of her, always trying to give me what little she had. I appreciated it more than she ever knew. “All I need to do is show up on time.”

  I handed her the popcorn, no longer wanting to eat. I had everything I needed to run away. I excelled at it.

  “I should’ve known better than to ask. You’ve always been prepared, all the way back to preschool. Type A to the core.”

  “I learned from the best,” I quipped.

  She looked at me with a wry grin and shrugged. “Guilty.”

  My attention fixed back onto the TV. The two women were sniping back and forth over the object of their affection. It was rather ugly to see two grown women acting like immature girls from high school.

  Hey Kettle. Meet Pot.

  The parallels to my life couldn’t be more obvious. I wasn’t calling anyone a fat bitch, but I was still repeating the actions of my past. Running away when things got tough and leaving Gabriel because someone higher up the social rung didn’t approve of my association with him.