by Anna Antonia
“You won’t have to pay, Gabriel.”
“Won’t I?”
“No. You never have to pay for love.”
“Oh, Emma. It’s so beautiful that you think this way.”
***
I’d learned the hard way that Gabriel was right. I’d had to pay by leaving. He’d had to pay by being abandoned.
God, I feel like such a monster.
Gabriel reached for my face. His fingertips skimmed across my cheek with a butterfly’s delicacy. “Why would you start with me if you were going to be so quick to throw me away again?”
It was a fair question. I wish I had a fair answer.
“Gabriel, I wasn’t throwing you away. I was trying to do the right thing.” I dared to place my much smaller hand over his. “I was trying to protect you, to keep you from having to choose between me and your family, your work, the people who count on you!”
He whipped his hand away. Standing up, Gabriel pointed his finger at me like a spear. “No! That’s not what this was about.”
“Yes, it was. I swear it was.”
“No. It wasn’t. This is about your fear, Emma. Your fear about us, about the future. Hell, about here!” Gabriel came back to me in a flash and grabbed my arms. He lifted me up effortlessly. “You let Lucas get in your head, Emma, because you still don’t believe when I say I’ll love you forever and there’s nothing that can change that.”
Everything was closing in on me too quickly. “Stop. You don’t have to say that to me. You shouldn’t say that to me.”
“No. I won’t stop. Not ever. I know that scares you to death because you don’t believe in forever. Not for girls like you and especially with boys like me, right?”
The gentle patience in his voice did what nothing else could’ve. Sobs broke through my lips. I hated every word because it was true and so obvious to him. “One day you’d look at me and regret being with me. I know it.”
“Never.”
“How do you know?” I beseeched, searching his beautiful face for some clue that maybe he was right and I was wrong.
That maybe I wouldn’t ever have to leave.
“Because I’ve known since the first time I laid eyes on you, Emma, that you were my forever.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t help but look further down the bleachers and saw the Gabriel Gordon of a thousand teenaged dreams. “You can say that and still not be with me. Just like then. My place can be occupied by a better, prettier, short-skirt wearing version.”
He didn’t miss a beat. “Just like that, huh?”
“Yes. Just like that.”
“That’s why I know, Emma, what you’re feeling. I know because I felt it too. I wanted you so badly but didn’t think I was good enough for you so I kept my distance, somehow convincing myself you were better off without someone like me in your life.”
Pain wrapped tightly around my heart like a chain. My rejection of him had hit on that fear dead. I was ashamed.
***
“There’s no way in hell I’d ever be your girlfriend, Gabriel. I know who you really are. I’m not mad enough to ever put myself through that kind of misery. I’m worth more than just being a notch in your belt. A lot more.”
***
Gabriel gestured down towards the bleachers. “That’s why it didn’t really matter who was by my side. But you know what? I was wrong. Don’t make the same mistakes I did, baby. Please.”
Gabriel shook the foundations of my worldview. I could hardly believe he had pinpointed the nexus of my pain.
Bewildered, I looked down at my feet. “How can you love someone like me?”
“How can I not?”
“I’m nothing like you.”
“So?”
“I’m always hurting you.”
“I can get even by hurting you back.” His naughty grin told me exactly what he meant.
I wanted to respond to it, to pretend that all our problems could be solved with hot sex and sweet kisses. I tried to take a step back but he didn’t let me. Too emotionally exhausted to fight much further, I tried one more time to free him from me.
“Gabriel, it’s not just about us.”
“Wrong. There’s no one else but us.” He pulled me into him and wrapped his arms around my waist. His lips branded my neck. “It’s just you and me. Always. Say it, Emma.”
“Gabriel,” I floundered weakly.
“Say. It.”
His authoritative growl destroyed all my defenses. I instinctively responded, craving to please him with my submission. So I closed my eyes and succumbed.
I loved him so much. My selfishness was bound to be my undoing but I didn’t care anymore. Not now. Not when Gabriel’s arms held me like he’d never let me go.
“It’s just you and me, Gabriel. Always.”
“Again.”
“It’s just you and me. Always.”
“Again.”
“You and me. Always and forever.”
“Good girl.” He carefully bit the side of my neck, applying enough pressure to balance on the line between pleasure and pain. I melted into him.
“I love you, Gabriel. I love you so much. It scares me to feel like this but I don’t care.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’ll die without you.”
He kissed then tender spot on my neck sweetly. “Baby, you don’t know what you did to me when you didn’t return my calls.”
“I’m sorry.” I’d say it forever if he’d still have me.
“And then your apartment? Do you have any fucking clue what I felt when I watched that tape? It hurt so much I thought I’d die.”
I tightened my hold around his broad shoulders. “I didn’t want you to feel that way, Gabriel. I just wanted you to have everything you deserve.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not!” I tried to pull back once again but he wouldn’t let me.
Gabriel wound his hand in the hair at the base of my skull and cradled me against him. “I know you’re lying because I deserve you and you left anyways. So what was it really? You can tell me, Emma, because I’m sure I already know.”
I buried my face into his chest and cried. I was so ashamed, so broken for not being strong enough to be his true equal. Gabriel already knew this about me and had been telling me all along.
He’s wanted me open to him so that he could help me understand his heart and my place in it. But I couldn’t see that.
I was still so mired in my fears, in my wretched beliefs. To think that it could be so obvious to him…
His other hand circled my back, patient and soothing. “Tell me, Emma. Tell me and set it free. It can’t have power over you once you set it free. It doesn’t matter what you say—I won’t judge you. I promise.”
I clumsily swallowed my sobs. Terror made my voice high and thin. “I didn’t want you to resent me for losing everything. You’d do it, Gabriel. It’d be like Lucas said. You’d look at me one day and see I wasn’t worth the trade.
“And the worst part of it is that I’d never feel that way about you. I’ve loved you forever even when I didn’t want to. Even after I left I still knew I’d always love you.”
I collapsed in his arms like a paper doll. Gabriel held onto me for long minutes while I cried as I’d never done before. It felt so blisteringly raw to say, much less hear, the words out loud. Just trying to imagine the day when Gabriel would look at me and say, “I wish I’d never met you” just about killed me.
He could and did say that it would never happen but the fear was so powerful, so easy to manipulate that it was no wonder Lucas had been able to use it against me.
How could I have been so stupid?
“I fucked it all up, Gabriel. I’m sorry! Please forgive me!”
Lost in my head, I sobbed and sobbed. I didn’t care that we were in public, where anyone could come across and hear my wails of grief. I just knew that I hurt and I didn’t want to keep hurting. I especially didn’t want to keep hurti
ng the only man I’d ever loved.
“Gabriel, I…l-love…you so…so…so much…but I…I didn’t stay…I’m sorry!” I gasped over choking breaths, feeling so sick I thought I’d collapse on myself.
Gabriel cupped my face. His thumbs swept over my reddened cheeks. “My poor sweet Emma. You’d leave me first so I wouldn’t leave you. Just like last time. Isn’t that the right of it?”
He waited until I nodded with clumsy jerks of my head.
“You’ll have to keep leaving me then, Emma, because I would never leave you. I love you so much, so very much, and have for so long. I’m so sorry that you’re this afraid, love. I’d do anything to take that away from you. Anything.”
Looking up into his exquisite face and seeing the wetness in his eyes, reduced me further. How could he apologize like that to me when I didn’t deserve it?
“Gabriel…”
“Shh, Emma. You don’t have to say anything else or justify how you feel. I’ll fix this. I promise. One day you won’t have to be scared, Emma. One day you’ll really be free of all this.”
Violent tremors bowled me over. My teeth chattered and I struggled to keep my legs from crashing beneath me. He was so loving towards me, so true, and here I’d been planning my life without him.
“I don’t deserve you, Gabriel.”
“Then that makes us even because I don’t deserve you.”
Trust his humor to soften the turbulence churning in my black well of grief. “I’m such a coward.”
“No. Not a coward at all.”
I just couldn’t understand Gabriel’s kindness. I wished he’d at least yell at me or curse me out for hurting him. Make it even. Punish me.
“You’re so good to me. How can you be this way after I broke my promise to you and left?”
Gabriel confessed softly, “Because I’m not as good a man as you’ve determined to see me as.”
“Not true.”
“Yes, true. If I was a really good man I’d respect your decision and let you go. Instead, I’m here.”
“I’m…I’m glad you’re here. That doesn’t make you a bad man.”
“If you only knew what I’d been thinking you wouldn’t say that, Emma.”
“Like what?”
“I knew why you left me again. I also knew you were a woman of your word. I came here, fully expecting you to tell me to leave you alone. I wasn’t going to do it. I was going to ignore what you wanted, forcing you to leave with me, and then I was going to lock you up in a house far from here.”
Gabriel’s dark tale lulled me as much as his soft voice did. “Even if I didn’t want it?”
“Especially because you didn’t want it. I would’ve used your sexual appetite against you. I would’ve tied you to my bed, spread-eagle, and helpless. I wouldn’t let up until you gave me what I wanted.”
“For me to say I’d stay with you no matter what?”
Something menacing flashed in his gorgeously blue stare. “No. Until I made you my slave, Emma.”
Desire blossomed as my twisted imagination unfurled. It would’ve been a beautiful world for me, one where I could hide. I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions and I wouldn’t have to answer to anyone other than him. Right or wrong wouldn’t matter. Gabriel would be the only god I needed to serve, his will blessed to becoming my own.
“What changed your mind?”
He inhaled sharply. Gabriel’s hand sculpted my cheek. “What you want matters to me, Emma. It always has. You are a strong, intelligent woman and no one has the right to make you do what you don’t want to do. Especially me.”
Tears overwhelmed me again. This had always been his love for me.
My gift of freedom had been in running away. His gift of freedom was in making me a better person.
Gabriel sat down and pulled me gently onto his lap. He tucked my head under his chin and held me as I finished crying. He didn’t say another word for a long time, but merely rubbed my back in large soothing circles.
Everything I’d done and this is where we ended up—back where it all started.
Thank you, Gabriel, for finding me. For respecting me. I finally know what it’s like to have your arms around me here.
I wouldn’t have traded anything for this moment and would pay everything to keep it forever.
TEN
Night finally fell completely.
I sat up and tried to wipe my face with my arms. Gabriel stopped me. He pulled out a handkerchief from his coat pocket and tenderly ran it over my blotchy face. Docile¸ I closed my eyes and tipped my head back. The soft cotton soothed my skin and made me feel clean.
“Can I tell you something, Emma?”
“Anything.” Licking my dry lips, I winced from how hoarse my voice sounded.
“I always wanted to come here and watch a game with you.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You didn’t come to games often, but when you did, you always sat here at this row every time.”
I didn’t have to look down to verify it. My habits had a ruthless hold on me. “And you always sat down there.”
“I did. Glad to hear you haven’t forgotten.”
“No, I haven’t. I especially remember how I never saw you look back at me either, Mr. Gordon.”
A smirk made its way across his perfect mouth. “I only looked when you weren’t looking at me, Miss Adams. Every single time I walked this way I’d hope you’d finally look up at me. I would’ve used any excuse just so I could stop and talk to you. Pity I never got the chance.”
“Why didn’t you do it anyways?”
He cleared his throat. “You, uh, intimidated me.”
“Me?”
“Yes, you. Emma, your frowns and frosty stares were enough to make a young man shrivel up inside.”
I laughed. “So what gave you the courage?”
“Do I have to say?”
I bit my lip, belatedly remembering the circumstances of Gabriel’s initial fixation and how he began chasing after me when I walked in on him screwing that girl.
“Maybe not.”
Gabriel brushed my hair off my shoulder. “I didn’t want the last real memory you had of me doing what, you know, you saw me doing.”
“Gross! Don’t remind me of you banging—”
He pressed his fingertips against my mouth. “Ssh, Emma. You’re right. It was absolutely disgusting.” Gabriel tapped my forehead. “It never happened. I command it so it must be true. I am the ruler of all things Emma—including her memories. Especially her gross ones. That’s why she finally let herself love me.”
I sighed and shook my head. “We wasted so much time, didn’t we?”
Gabriel made a final pass over my face. “Too much.”
“And then here we are.” I dared to run my fingers over his stubble cheek.
“Here we are, baby. You ran away and I had to run after you.”
“I really did try to make it right for you, Gabriel, because I love you so much. I want you to know that much—even though I made a mess of everything.”
He placed his hand over mine and closed his eyes. A sharp breath and then “I don’t need anything else other than your love, Emma. It’s all I’ve ever needed.”
“But what about Gordon Industries? Your uncle? How can we make this work? You heard what Lucas said. He’ll force you out, Gabriel. You’ll lose everything that you’ve worked so hard for.”
I couldn’t hide my agitation. His gaze hardened as it met mine. “I’ll take care of it. You’re all I want.”
“But—”
“Emma, my sweet girl, you are this close to having me put you over my lap—and you know exactly what I mean. I already said I’ll take care of it. Now do you trust me or not?”
Gaze still pinned to his, I nodded slowly. “Okay. You’ll take care of it.”
His angel smile unfurled and it knocked me silly. “Now you’re getting it. That’s what you should’ve realized from the beginning, isn’t it?”
“Ye
s. You’re right.” Abashed, I stared at my hands. “Everything I did was for nothing. I packed up my apartment, was ready to quit my job, and you found me anyways.”
“You’re the star I can’t help but revolve around.”
My heart fluttered. “Am I?”
“Always.”
I swallowed and the damned rush of tears came back to flood my eyes. At this rate I wouldn’t be able to see when I woke up tomorrow because they’d be so swollen. Sunglasses were going to be my best friend for at least half the day.
“I always think of you as my sun.”
“Your sun?” Pure delight brightened his expression. “Really, Emma?”
“Yes. You warm me, bring me to life, and color my world.”
“We’re a pair of stars then, aren’t we?”
“I guess we are.” Different words, same thing. Just like Gabriel. Just like me. I hugged him tightly, happy beyond words when he returned my hug.
“Emma, you can’t do this to me again. Do you understand?” he whispered raggedly in my ear. “You can’t leave me like that. You just can’t. I won’t survive it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not good enough. You have to make this up to me.”
“I will.”
“I’m serious. I expect you to spend the rest of your life making this up to me. I’m fragile, you know?”
“No, you’re not.”
Gabriel pulled back. His solemn expression convinced me of his sincerity. “I am, Emma. When it comes to you I’m fragile beyond repair. I know what I just said to you about respecting you and not forcing you to do what you don’t want to do, and I mean it, but I can’t…no…I won’t live without you. If that makes me sound like a crazy man—so be it. I don’t give a damn. I want you, Emma. Forever.”
Butterflies erupted in my tummy in the shape of a diamond ring and yards of white tulle. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“Of course, I am.” He winked, cocky attitude back as if it had never left. “But not yet.”
“Not yet?”
“No, not yet. But I will. Soon.”
