Then he picks his helmet up off the chair and walks out of the kitchen, out the front door, and out of her life.
Just like he said he would.
Natalie doesn’t leave her spot on the counter for a long time. She tries to catch her breath, but can’t. Tries to swallow, but can’t. Her chest is tight and it feels as if she’s coming out of her skin. Her heart hurts. The pain slices through her like it’s cutting her to ribbons. She starts to shake all over and then a loud gut-wrenching noise comes out of her mouth.
It’s a sob.
Oh, my God, I’m crying.
Peter moves back in the very next week. Chloe is over the moon and Peter is in great spirits as well. Everyone in the house is happy, except Natalie.
But she does a good job hiding it. She puts on her best poker face. The one she hasn’t had to wear since she was a kid. And she’s damned good at it. It’s not for nothing that her dad was a World Series Main Event winner. Nobody suspects a thing except Lindsay, who of course, sees through it all.
“This whole thing is a train wreck,” Lindsay tells her. “And I can’t bear to watch knowing that you’re in it.”
Lindsay moved all her stuff out. She’s living in her studio temporarily until she finds a place of her own.
“We’re going to make it work,” Natalie says stubbornly. “We have to.”
She hasn’t told Lindsay about the crying, though. Hasn’t told anyone. Natalie decides to keep it to herself. It’s bizarre, too, because after years of not crying, she now cries at everything. Cereal commercials, flowery greeting cards, even homeless kittens. Not that she’s seen any homeless kittens. But just the thought of a homeless kitten—so sad!—is enough to get her crying.
Peter and Chloe think she has allergies and that’s why she’s carrying around a large box of tissues everywhere. And how can she tell them the truth? How can she destroy their happiness?
And then, of course, she cries when she thinks about Anthony. Which is a lot. She can’t stop thinking about Anthony. He even invades her dreams at night. The way he whispered “Miss Natalie” in her ear. The way his arms felt around her. The way he laughed when she teased him. The way he made her feel beautiful all the time.
Natalie keeps that to herself, too.
She hasn’t had sex with Peter. He wants to, but she can’t bring herself to do it, even though they’re supposed to be a couple again. Natalie moves her stuff back into the master bedroom. After a few weeks, she even agrees to let him sleep in there with her, as long as he doesn’t touch her.
“I can’t believe you gave Lindsay our bedroom while I was gone,” he says, one night, lying in bed together. “Why would you do that?”
“I just couldn’t sleep in here alone after all those years.”
Peter softens. “I guess I understand that.” He pulls her close and tries to kiss her, but Natalie stiffens.
“I’m still not ready.”
He lets out an annoyed sigh. “It’s been almost a month now, Natalie. I’m trying to be patient, but how long is this going to go on?”
“I don’t know.”
Peter runs his hand down her back and lowers his voice. “I want to be with you. You’re so sexy.”
Natalie swallows and tries to smile. She feels like crying, but she’s getting better at controlling it.
“Just give me a little more time. I have to get used to all this.”
He sighs. “That’s what you keep saying, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Do you still not trust me? Is that it?”
“You broke my heart. I’m still recovering,” she lies.
When he finally falls asleep, she sneaks out of bed, puts her robe on and heads downstairs. It’s summer and the nights are warmer, but she still wears her coat when she goes out into the backyard.
This is her new thing. Sitting out here at night alone, gazing at the stars.
She can still be close to Anthony this way.
First, she finds all the constellations he showed her, remembering how he told her they change with the seasons. And then she tries to find the planets, though that’s harder.
And then she cries. Quietly sobbing after holding it in all day.
She knows she’s in love with Anthony. She isn’t entirely stupid, and figured it out pretty fast once she had to give him up.
A part of her wishes now she’d known sooner, that she’d told him the night he said it to her, but a part of her is glad she didn’t.
Because then he never would have let her go. She’s stubborn, but Anthony can be stubborn in his own way, too.
The week after they split up, true to his word, she got a new phone. Maya came into the bakery and delivered it.
“How is he?” Natalie asked.
Maya shook her head. “Not good. He won’t talk to me about it. What’s going on with you two?”
“I went back to my ex-husband.”
“Oh.”
“I had my reasons,” she said defensively. “I wish I wasn’t hurting him, though.”
Maya tilted her head of dark curls and studied Natalie. “To be honest, you don’t look so good either.”
“I’m not sleeping much. Tell Anthony I said thanks for the phone.”
“You should call him,” Maya said. “Tell him yourself.”
But Natalie knew that was a bad idea. She needed to let Anthony go.
And so she sits outside alone every night, gazing up at the stars. She knows he went to Rome recently. Made the mistake of googling his name. It was excruciating to see pictures and read about him.
I won’t be doing that again.
At least she and Blair are solid once more. Though Blair and Lindsay have been hanging out together a lot, and the two of them seem to be of the same mindset regarding Peter.
“You know I felt betrayed after you started dating Anthony,” Blair says one day. They’re taking a break together, sitting out in front of La Dolce Vita where they set up some tables and chairs on the sidewalk. “I thought you weren’t thinking clearly, that you were throwing away everything we’d worked so hard for on a fling. But after watching your deterioration these past weeks, it’s obvious it wasn’t just a fling. Things between you and Anthony were serious, weren’t they?”
“My deterioration?” Natalie is taken aback. “What are you talking about? I’m in the best shape of my life.”
She exercises all the time now, driven to it like a maniac. It’s one of the few ways she can stop thinking and feeling. She works out every morning, including Sundays, and she’s even started boxing three times a week—sweat dripping from her body as she hits that punching bag as hard as she can. Natalie has developed a wicked right hook.
“You look fantastic,” Blair agrees. “I’m not talking about your appearance though. I’m talking about how you act.”
Natalie takes a sip from her latte. “I’m the same as always.”
“No, you’re not. You’re sad a lot.”
“Sad? I’m not sad.” She laughs. Or tries to. She has to admit her laugh sounds a little scary these days.
“When you think no one’s looking, the light goes out of your face. At first Lindsay and I thought it was Peter’s fault you were struggling. But now we think it’s because you miss Anthony.”
Natalie turns away and watches some of the pedestrians streaming by. Ironically, the clothing shop next door has brought more business their way. “I can’t talk about this,” she says. “I just can’t.”
Blair nods with sympathy. She picks up her iced coffee and stirs the straw around. “Our lease here is up soon. We should decide what we’re going to do.”
“I know. I’ve been thinking about it, too.”
Blair leans forward in her chair. “I heard something interesting recently. Apparently, Santosa’s is definitely moving to that new place on Roosevelt.”
“Where did you hear that? Did Austin call?”
“Graham told me. He’s the lawyer for the investment group who owns the building. We’ve been seei
ng each other again.” Blair gives a small smile. “I hope that isn’t weird for you.”
“Not at all. That’s great. I always thought you two seemed well matched.” Natalie pauses. “So how much is the rent for Santosa’s old location?”
Blair tells her a number.
Natalie raises her eyebrows. “That’s only a little more than what we’re paying now. We could totally swing that.”
“That’s what I thought. Should I give Graham a call?”
“Definitely! That would be an amazing space for us.”
Blair grins. “It sure would be.”
A few nights later, as she sits outside contemplating the stars, she’s surprised when Chloe comes out to join her.
“Hi, Mom.”
“It’s late, sweetheart. What are you doing up?”
Chloe comes over, stepping tentatively over the grass with bare feet, and then sits down beside her in one of the lawn chairs.
Neither of them speaks for a while and they gaze up at the sky. It’s a clear night and late enough that it’s both quiet and peaceful.
“Why do you come out here so much?” Chloe asks.
“What do you mean?”
Chloe tucks her feet beneath herself. She’s only wearing a nightgown, but Natalie is too, since the nights have grown balmy lately.
“I see you out here all the time from my bedroom window.”
“I didn’t know that. Am I keeping you awake? I thought I was being quiet.”
“It’s okay.” Chloe plucks at a loose thread and then speaks softly. “Aunt Lindsay told me you only got back together with Daddy for my sake.”
“What?” Natalie sits up straight. “She had no right to tell you that!”
I’m going to wring my sister’s meddling neck.
“Is it true?” Chloe asks. “That you don’t love Daddy anymore?”
Natalie closes her eyes. Tries to be honest. “A part of me will always love your dad because he gave me you.”
“Good, because I’m glad Daddy’s home.”
“I know you are.” Natalie has always wanted to be a strong example for her daughter, to show her what’s possible. She thinks about Chloe, and imagines her years from now as an adult. Would she want her daughter to spend her life in a loveless marriage? No, I wouldn’t. Natalie takes a deep breath and lets it out. Then is it right that I spend my life in one?
Chloe looks around the yard. “I kind of like it out here this late.”
“Me, too.”
“It reminds me of that night at Anthony’s with Serena, looking through the telescope. That was fun.”
“It was,” Natalie agrees.
Chloe chews on her lower lip. “Are you going to make Daddy move out again?
Natalie doesn’t reply right away, just leans back in her chair and ponders her daughter’s question. As much as she cares about Anthony, in some ways her life would be so much easier if she’d never met him. But I did meet him. She reaches over and takes Chloe’s hand, meets her worried gaze. “Whatever happens, remember this—I love you. And I need you to trust me to make the right decision for both of us.”
Natalie has the next day off and she does something she’s been meaning to do, but hasn’t yet. She opens the email Anthony sent her ages ago that contains his financial program and file on the bakery.
After installing the program, she studies the file he created for La Dolce Vita. Natalie compares the numbers against the ones she and Blair have in the spreadsheet they use to track all their finances. And after studying it for half the day, she comes to an astonishing conclusion.
Anthony has been right this whole time.
They can’t afford the space next door.
Doubling their rent along with the cost of remodeling would have eventually put them out of business.
Blair is wide-eyed after Natalie tells her this. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. We overestimated how much business we’re turning away. Plus, there are things we forgot to include with the cost of remodeling.”
“I feel terrible.” Blair shakes her head. “I’ve given him such a hard time. It looks like we owe Anthony a big apology.”
“Yes, we do.”
They’re in the bakery’s tiny back office, with Blair sitting at the desk. “I have some more bad news to add to that,” Blair tells her. “I just got off the phone with Graham about Santosa’s. They want a year’s rent paid upfront for that space.”
“Why?”
“I guess that’s standard for them. There’s a lot of interest, so they want to be sure whoever leases it is serious.”
“We can’t afford that. Not with the remodeling we’ll have to do.”
They look at each other with disappointment.
Finally, Blair sighs. “We’ll just have to keep searching.”
Natalie goes back to work and tries to push her disappointment aside. Her mind keeps straying back to Anthony. It figures he was right all along about their finances. Finally, before she can stop herself, she picks up her phone and types in a text to him.
Could you stop by the bakery sometime? Blair and I owe you an apology.
And then she hits send. Natalie tells herself it’s only to apologize, it’s not because she wants to see him. She just doesn’t want to leave any loose ends.
Late that afternoon, Natalie is in the back kitchen closing up when Carlos comes in and tells her there’s someone here to see her.
“It’s Anthony,” he whispers.
Natalie doesn’t move or speak. She glances down at the croissant dough she’s prepared for tomorrow.
That was fast.
“Tell him I’ll be out in a minute,” she says, finding her voice.
After putting the dough in the fridge, she washes her hands and walks to the mirror by the back door.
She pulls the hairnet off her ponytail so it swings free, wondering why Anthony didn’t just come into the kitchen. Her hand is shaking as she dabs on lip gloss.
Finally, she takes a deep breath and goes out front. Anthony is standing with his back to her by the front window, looking outside. She walks over to him and it’s like she can barely breathe.
Sensing her, he turns. It’s warm out and he’s wearing faded jeans and a short-sleeved Star Wars T-shirt.
Natalie smiles, remembering how she’d once counted all his Star Wars T-shirts and discovered he owned twenty-two. “That’s it,” she’d declared. “I’m calling Star Wars Anonymous and we’re staging an intervention!” He’d laughed quite a bit over that.
Anthony pulls away from the front window. “Hi, Miss Natalie.”
His pet name does strange things to her insides. Makes her heart hurt and her stomach flutter. “Hi, Anthony.”
Right away, she sees he’s tan and his hair is longer. He’s still blindingly handsome. With his long hair and the aviators perched on top of his head, he looks like a rock star. His teeth and the whites of his eyes almost glow against his dark skin. She realizes the tan must be from his trip to Rome.
This does strange things to her insides, too, but not in a good way.
I should have been there with him.
“I got your text,” he says, and she can feel his eyes roaming over her, studying her too. “What’s this about an apology?”
Natalie glances around. Unfortunately, most everybody, including Blair, has gone home for the day. “Blair’s already left, but we both wanted to apologize to you.” She explains how she finally downloaded the file he sent her and how they realize now he’s been right all along.
“Thanks, I appreciate that.”
Neither of them speaks. They just stand there gazing at each other.
Finally, Natalie comes to her senses. “I guess I should get back.”
“Are you done closing?” Anthony asks suddenly. “Do you want to take a walk? I have something I want to talk to you about.”
“Uh, okay.”
Natalie goes in back and tells Carlos she’s leaving, that he can lock up.
<
br /> She and Anthony go outside and head down University Avenue together. It’s a sunny day and there are a lot of people out. It’s strange, walking next to Anthony without holding his hand. They were always so physical with each other. She wonders if he’s thinking the same thing.
“Your lease on the bakery is up soon,” he says. “Graham tells me you guys are considering moving to another location?”
Natalie sighs. “That’s true, we wanted to, but we just found out it’s not going to work out after all.” She tells him a little about Santosa’s, how it would have been a great fit for them. “The location is perfect, and close enough we wouldn’t lose customers.”
“Why isn’t it going to work?”
“The investment group who owns the space insists on a year’s rent in advance, and we can’t afford that.”
They slow down and are standing near a flower shop when Anthony turns to her. Up close and in broad daylight, she notices he looks tired. There’s strain on his face.
“It’s good to see you. I was surprised when I saw your text,” he tells her.
She bites her lip and watches the way he lingers on her mouth. Butterflies dance in her stomach.
“It’s good to see you, too.” And she means it. It’s all she can do to pull her eyes away instead of drinking him in.
“How have you been?” he asks quietly.
Natalie glances at the flower shop window and then, unable to stop herself, blurts out the truth. “I miss you.”
Anthony takes this in. He doesn’t reply for so long she wonders if he’s going to. It only highlights her embarrassment.
“I miss you, too,” he says finally.
Their eyes meet. His are rich and warm just as she remembers.
“I shouldn’t have told you that,” she admits. “Was it wrong of me?”
“No, I’m glad you told me.”
“I’ve started crying,” she says.
He raises his eyebrows. “Seriously?”
She nods, smiling. “I cry all the time now. You wouldn’t believe how much. Over every dumb thing, too. I haven’t told anybody about it, though.”
“When did this start?”
“The night we broke up.”
Anthony is watching her face in an intense way, a way she’s never seen before, and then he reaches out and takes her hand. His is warm as always. For a few moments, she allows it, because it feels so good, but then pulls away.
Year of Living Blonde (Sweet Life in Seattle, Book 1) Page 40
