Room at the Top

by Jane Davitt

  “It’s okay,” Austin said, stroking Jay’s head. “He knows we can’t. I told him.”

  Jay turned his head to look up at Austin. “He shouldn’t be worrying about us!” he hissed.

  “I can hear you even when you whisper,” Patrick said, a suspicion of a chuckle audible. “Jay, I just put forward a proposal, but it’s obviously something that both of you have to be fully on board with.”

  “You’re coming back?” Jay said, the eagerness in his voice painful to hear.

  “No. For a visit, maybe in the fall, but no. I can’t. Not yet.” Patrick sounded regretful but firm. “I think that you both trust me enough to go along with my idea of a new dom, so I’ll let Austin fill you in on that and you can call me when you’ve come to a decision. What I want to talk to you about is the way you two are doubting what you have.”

  “We’re not.” Jay sounded hurt. He gave Austin an accusing look. “Did you tell him that?”

  “I told him you came in here to sulk,” Austin snapped back. Jay was entitled to his space. Of course he was. But to just walk off like that was rude.

  “I wasn’t sulking!”

  “Boys.” Patrick sounded irritated, and that was rare enough to make them both go quiet. “God, if I was there, you’d both be yelping.”

  “If you were here, we wouldn’t be fighting.” Jay’s voice cracked, and he struck the surface of the water with his hand, splashing Austin and the wall. “I need—I need so fucking much, Patrick, and so does Austin and we can’t…we tried to do it ourselves and it didn’t work—”

  “You tried… No, don’t tell me. I can only imagine.” The irritation had gone now. Patrick sounded sympathetic—even if Austin suspected some amusement still lurked. “Trust yourselves. I do. Implicitly. You two are solid, rock solid, and this is just going to make you realize that.”

  “No pain, no gain?” Austin said, using a towel to blot the water from his jeans.

  Patrick laughed. “Well, you can’t expect me not to agree with that particular saying, now can you?”

  “Who’s this new dom you’re thinking of?” Jay asked with a spark of interest Austin silently thanked Patrick for inspiring. “Someone we know from the group?”

  “Someone I know,” Patrick said. “We met a few years ago, though he wasn’t active in the scene at the time. His wife needed to redecorate, and I supplied some nice pieces of Regency furniture from my store. We hit it off. Liam and I, not his wife. She wasn’t my type at all.”

  “His wife?” Jay gave Austin a questioning glance, and Austin shrugged helplessly. “He’s straight?”

  “I believe so. The redecoration was a last-ditch attempt to salvage the marriage, but it didn’t work. Liam’s divorced now, living in that new subdivision, Maplewood Estates.”

  “I know it,” Jay said with a hint of scorn. “Cookie-cutter four-bedroom houses with double garages.”

  “Yes, but Liam’s not… Well, if you meet with him, you’ll be able to see what he’s like for yourself.”

  Austin was feeling desperate enough to agree to just about anything right then, especially since it was Patrick suggesting it. “We can’t just turn up and ask him to spank us. He doesn’t know us.”

  “I’ve mentioned you to him from time to time, as it happens.” Patrick chuckled. “I may have even boasted a little about how good you were. Even so, I’m sure you’ll all have questions. Do you want me to give him your number and have him call you?”

  Jay and Austin exchanged a look, and Austin could read Jay’s eyes so well that it gave him hope. Jay was desperate too, and wanted this to work. And Jay loved him. “Yes,” Austin answered for both of them. “Yeah, that would be great.”

  Chapter Four

  “Don’t freak out,” Jay warned Austin. It was a pretty funny thing to say, since the chances of Austin freaking out in any visible way were slim to none. Still, it was reassuring to hear the words out loud even if they were both unnecessary and pointless.

  “I just don’t want you to be disappointed.” Austin finished tying his work shoes, straightened, and looked at Jay.

  “If I am, I am. You can’t stop that.” Jay knew he was being perfectly reasonable, but it warmed him anytime Austin said something protective.

  They were meeting Patrick’s friend Liam—well, calling them friends might be stretching it a bit—for coffee at a local bookstore. Jay suspected Austin had suggested the location because if it didn’t go well, it would be easy enough to distract Jay with all the lovely books. But it was also a good place to talk, in an older building with lots of comfortable stuffed chairs and couches tucked away into little alcoves while still being public enough to feel safe.

  Before Niall, they would’ve probably agreed to go to Liam’s house to do this without thinking twice about it, but they were both more cautious now. Jay couldn’t decide if that was a good thing. On the surface, yes, but they’d lost something that night. If he started thinking about that, he was going to be all melancholy and mope, and this Liam guy would probably decide they were too much trouble.

  “I can make it less likely to happen.” Austin put his hand on Jay’s face, cupping his cheek. “At least, I wish we knew what he was like.”

  Jay had formed a mental picture from the little Patrick had told them: expensive suit, intense blue eyes, doesn’t smile often, dark brown hair, shorter than either of them would ever wear it but compared to Patrick, he had plenty, taller than either Jay or Austin. And Liam sounded intimidating.

  Patrick could be stern. Jay had loved it when he was, though he’d never admitted it even to Austin, who probably already knew. But Patrick had never made Jay feel anything but safe. The phone call had been short, with Liam sounding distracted if polite.

  “Patrick likes him,” Jay offered. Those three words were the mantra he’d been using to calm down, and they seemed to work on Austin too because he relaxed visibly.

  “Yeah. True.”

  “It’s going to be fine.”

  Austin glanced at the clock and winced. “Unless we’re late, in which case, way to make a bad first impression. Come on.”

  If Austin drove more than a little bit over the speed limit, it was understandable though out of character for him. His thumbs beat a nervous rhythm on the steering wheel as they waited for the one empty space in the parking lot to open up.

  “Come on, asshole, let’s go,” he muttered under his breath.

  Jay gave him a disbelieving look. “Relax, would you? You’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Austin took a deep breath and let it out as he pulled the car into the finally vacated space. “Sorry. Okay. I’m under control. I just, you know—”

  “You hate being late. I get it. But if you’re worried about making a good first impression, this isn’t the way to do it.” Jay felt for Austin, he really did. He also knew Austin would blame himself if this didn’t work out, no matter what Jay said. “You’re amazing. He’s going to see that.”

  Austin shut off the car and gave Jay a look of such warmth and love it took his breath away. “You’re the one who's amazing.”

  Jay smiled. “Well, let’s get our amazing selves in there and meet this guy.”

  He saw the man who had to be Liam right away, already holding a cup of coffee and reading the back of a bestseller he must’ve taken from the display beside him. It was good the man was distracted, because it meant Jay could take time to study him without being too obvious.

  Liam was wearing a beautifully fitted suit, his hair looked newly trimmed, and his shoes had to have cost at least three hundred dollars. If you looked closely, smile lines were visible around his eyes and mouth, but on casual viewing the man appeared to be stern, professional.

  Perfect.

  “Is that him?” Austin said into Jay’s ear.

  “Who else could it be?” Jay had never been very good at figuring out if someone was gay or not. It had led to one embarrassing moment in high school that he really wished he co
uld wipe from his memory, though the guy he’d impulsively kissed hadn’t looked insulted or angry—just stunned. When it came to spotting someone who looked capable of bringing him to his knees with a downward twitch of a finger, though, he was pretty damn good.

  Liam Thornton probably wouldn’t even need the finger twitch.

  “Good point,” Austin muttered. “He’s very, uh, he’s…”

  “Waiting for us,” Jay said, feeling like a kid caught sneaking candy. “Shit.”

  Liam had glanced up, spotted them immediately, and frowned just slightly, as if he was trying to figure out why he was being stared at like a zoo exhibit. It made him look forbidding, and Jay found himself groping for Austin’s hand, needing something to ground him before he fucked this up by running away. Okay, maybe that wasn’t the direction he would’ve gone. The patch of carpet by Liam’s feet looked far more tempting, if totally off-limits.

  “I don’t need to guess,” Liam said in an unexpected British accent, putting the book back and coming toward them. “Patrick e-mailed me some photos, so I’d know what to expect.” He offered his hand, and Austin shook it.

  “Yeah. We weren’t sure.” Austin smiled. “I’m Austin, and this is Jay.”

  “I didn’t realize you’d be so tall,” Liam said to Jay, who took his turn shaking hands. Liam’s was solid and strong.

  Jay wasn’t sure what to say to that—should he apologize?—and ended up not saying anything. He managed to nod, though.

  Fortunately Liam seemed comfortable taking control of the situation right from the start. “Austin, why don’t you grab some coffee or whatever, and Jay and I will get a table. I’m sure you’ll be able to spot us.”

  Jay found himself alone with Liam, following the older man between long sets of shelves to a corner near a window where there was a love seat and a padded chair. A table nearby held a few stacks of books and several coasters, no doubt intended to encourage people to set their cups where they wouldn’t damage the wooden surface.

  “Sit,” Liam said, and Jay did. He clasped his hands on his lap. It made him feel like a kid, so he forced himself to put them on his knees instead. “Tell me about yourself.”

  Jay blinked at him. It was one of those questions open-ended enough to give him agoraphobia. “Uh…”

  Liam waited for him to continue with a patience Jay appreciated. He had the feeling, though, that it was limited, and when it ran out, Liam would be expecting something more than a mumble. He reminded himself of just how much this mattered and tried again.

  “I build dioramas.”

  The words hung in the air, unsupported by any gleam of interest on Liam’s face, and Jay felt his throat close up. He looked around for Austin, but it took forever to get served here and Austin would be worrying about him and probably fumbling the order, dropping his change, spilling their drinks and needing to order more—

  “Jay.”

  Jay’s gaze went back to Liam’s face. Impossible not to when his name had been spoken with that much calm assurance.

  “Breathe. If you pass out, your boyfriend will blame me, and I don’t really think that’s fair, do you?” Liam smiled, a small upward curving of his lips that took him from good-looking to handsome. “Let’s try again. Patrick tells me you work at the library. Was that always your plan or just a job that presented itself?”

  Given something specific to answer was a lifeline in a choppy ocean. Jay exhaled and felt the tight band of tension around his forehead ease off. “Sorry. We’re both nervous as hell, and I guess I let it get to me.” He cleared his throat. “Like I said, I build dioramas, but that’s a hobby. I’m good at it, but it’s not something I could turn into a job. Books, though, there’s a lot you can do that involves them. I’ve always loved reading. I can’t write them; I tried and it just didn’t work. But I’ve spent so much of my life in libraries I figured, hey, why not get paid for it?”

  He ran out of words then, sending Liam a beseeching look—how did I do?—and hoping he didn’t look as freaked out as he still felt.

  Liam nodded. He didn’t say good boy, but the implication was there. “So you took a masters in library science?”

  “Yeah.” Something sparked in Liam’s eyes, a warning glint, and Jay swallowed, uneasily aware he was half-hard. Not the place for it. Shit. “Yes, Sir,” he said, amending his answer to something less casual. “At Simmons College in Boston. I’m not from Madison, but the position looked interesting and I liked the town. I moved here two years ago, and that’s when I met Austin.”

  Liam opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Austin joined them. Jay wanted to sigh with relief, but he wasn’t sure how Liam would take that. He settled for giving Austin a welcoming smile and moved over on the love seat to make room for him. That put him closer to Liam, close enough to smell him. Liam wasn’t wearing cologne, but he smelled expensive in some way Jay couldn’t define but found himself liking.

  “I couldn’t get your usual,” Austin told him, setting two large paper cups down on the coasters. “They were out of Kenyan, but she said the house blend would be similar and if you didn’t like it, she’d replace it with one from Guatemala.”

  Liam snorted with amusement. “You Yanks and your complicated coffee. I’ve lived here fifteen years, and I still can’t get used to it.”

  “England doesn’t have places like Starbucks?” Jay asked, surprised.

  “It does now,” Liam said, “but then so does the Gobi desert.” He grinned unexpectedly. “That was a joke, but you’re not required to laugh at them, don’t worry. I’ve been told my sense of humor is on the abstract side.”

  “At least you have one,” Austin said. He sounded confident, and that made Jay feel even more relaxed. “I think that’s what I was most worried about. I was kind of picturing you as a caricature, you know? Instead of a real person.”

  Liam gave them a quizzical look. “Oh, I’m real enough. Just because Patrick likes me doesn’t mean you two will, though. If that’s the case, just tell me. Don’t pretend it’s working if it’s not. God knows that’s the last thing any of us needs.”

  Jay nodded. It was good to have that spoken aloud, an affirmation they weren’t committing to anything yet. “This is like an audition.”

  “No,” Liam said, frowning. “Not really. That implies there are roles that need to be filled, and while that’s true on a basic level, it’s more complicated than that.”

  “So you’ve done this before? This early stuff, I mean,” Austin explained. “We’re kind of new.”

  “I gathered as much,” Liam said drily. “Yes, I’ve been through this early stuff, as you put it. More than once. Try not to be nervous, all right? I promise I don’t bite unless you want me to.”

  Jay smiled. It was true: Liam did have a sense of humor. “More than once? Are you, um, seeing anyone else right now?”

  “I have an ex-wife and two nearly grown children living in Maryland.” Liam sipped his drink, then set the cup down on one of the coasters. “I’ve had a few relationships since my marriage ended, but they’ve all been casual and temporary. Would it be a problem for you if I met someone I wanted to date?”

  “No, of course not,” Austin said, and Jay nodded his agreement. “Unless it was an issue for her. I mean, would you tell her about us? You’d have to, right?”

  Liam glanced away from them, his gaze distant. “I’ve kept this part of my life separate for a long time. It’s become something of a habit.”

  “That’s not really an answer,” Jay said, surprising himself with his boldness. “So your wife wasn’t in the scene?”

  “I would prefer it if we didn’t discuss Barbara,” Liam said with a chilly politeness. “And I’m not in the mood to be lectured about my failings as a husband.”

  “Slow down,” Austin said immediately, saving Jay from the need to reply. “Jay didn’t say anything like that. It’s a reasonable question. We appreciate this is something you maybe don’t want to tell a lot of people about—neither do we—
but if you’ve got this idea it’s something to be ashamed of, then maybe we’re not interested in…in anything.”

  Jay slid his hand into Austin’s and held on tight. He hated confrontations, but like Austin, he couldn’t see this working if Liam saw them as a dirty little secret. It would spoil everything.

  Liam leaned forward, his hands linked loosely, resting on his knees—strong hands, with long, elegant fingers, Jay couldn’t help noticing. “I’d like you both to stop talking and listen before this goes too far and we all walk away with nothing.” He waited for them to exchange uncertain looks, then nod before continuing. “No, she wasn’t in the scene. If you’re asking if I was faithful to her, yes, I was. I respected that our interests weren’t the same, and I stepped back from my…activities. For many years, the only outlet I had was my imagination, and I don’t think I need to tell you how unsatisfactory that was. It wasn’t the only reason the marriage didn’t work, but it was what the divorce lawyers like to call a contributory factor.”

  “I’m sorry,” Austin said. “I can’t—”

  “I think I told you not to talk,” Liam said evenly.

  Austin bit his lip. His hand tightened on Jay’s. They waited, and after a minute, Liam went on.

  “Now we’re legally divorced and I’m free to live my life as I like, that’s exactly what I intend to do. If I start seeing someone and I think she’ll understand, I’ll tell her. Otherwise I’ll keep it to myself. But I don’t intend to go back to living the way I did when I was married, and it’s not an issue that’s up for debate. So think about whether or not that’s something you can accept.” He nodded at them and picked up his coffee again.

  “To you,” Jay said softly, “it wouldn’t be being unfaithful because it wouldn’t be sex, is that it?”

  “I’m not gay, yes. I know Patrick told you as much; this would be different from what you had with him in some ways. Another thing for the two of you to think about and discuss together.”

  Austin sighed. “They say nothing worth having comes easy.”