His Own Way Out

by Taylor Saracen

  “No! Why would you ever say that?” Blake chided, taking both of his boyfriend’s hands in his. “You could never be an issue.”

  “I told you I didn’t want to stand in your way if you wanted to do the porn thing.”

  “Who said I want to do it?”

  “You did.”

  “I never said that,” Blake asserted. “Not once.”

  “You never said it with words,” Jay agreed, “but you sure as hell say it in your actions. You don’t even jerk off when you go on the website. You get this faraway look in your eyes like you’re daydreaming. You randomly mention the business whenever you have a chance to bring it up. You kill it on BodyBanter every time you log on. Fuck, that even has me thinking if taking your career further is a good option for you.”

  “You think about it?” Blake asked, shocked by the statement. “Really?”

  “Really,” Jay confirmed. “I can tell it’s something you want.”

  “So, you know me better than I know myself?” Blake snarked. “You’re telling me what I want now?”

  “I love you,” Jay said simply. “I don’t want to stand in the way of what you want to do, of something you’d be successful with.”

  “Who said you were?”

  “I told you I couldn’t be with you if you did porn.”

  “And has your position changed?” Blake ventured, admonishing himself for the amount of hope that seeped into his voice.

  “My position hasn’t changed,” Jay said, regretfully.

  “Well, that’s good, because mine hasn’t either. I’m not interested.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “Why are you pushing this?” Blake sighed, dropping Jay’s hand. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I want you to do what makes you happy.”

  “You make me happy,” Blake promised. “You, this apartment, this summer, this life. That’s what makes me happy.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  “I don’t want to hold you back,” Jay continued, resting his palm on Blake’s cheek.

  He leaned into the touch. “You aren’t. It’s not like that.”

  “If you think it’s what’s best for you, I want you to do it.”

  “Are we still talking about porn?” Blake scoffed, opening his eyes abruptly. “Really? Like, we’re seriously talking about porn being what’s best for me?”

  “I mean, it’s not a conversation I ever foresaw myself having,” Jay admitted, “but here we are.”

  “Right,” Blake nodded. “I’m here with you, not doing porn, not thinking about porn. I’m not thinking about any of this shit. I’m thinking about how fucking badly I want a big plate of Jane’s macaroni and cheese,” he ranted, standing up and stomping into the kitchen. “And how much I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he yelled for good measure.

  So, they didn’t talk about it, until eventually, they did.

  Epilogue

  Three days after Jay mercy-dumped him, Blake sent his photos to Helix Studios. Twenty-four hours later, they emailed him a plane ticket to San Diego. Staring at his phone screen, he felt a swell of joy he hadn’t expected. Jay was right, Blake wanted it more than he was willing to admit. Enough to understand Jay’s intention when he once again broke up with him. Though it hurt, Jay gave him the gift of possibility, a chance Blake never would have taken at the expense of their relationship. Jay let him go because Blake wouldn’t leave on his own, and though it pained him, Blake was thankful. Without the push he would’ve remained happy but stagnant, something he was never comfortable being. He needed more, and Jay loved him enough to make him chase it, even if they both had a hard time believing that Blake’s more was a career most considered obscene.

  It wasn’t that way to Blake. Although he stopped short of thinking his cam shows bettered people’s lives, he did know he enhanced them. He’d chatted with enough of his followers to understand that they were from different walks of life and varied circumstances. While some of them were lonely, others weren’t, using the medium to spice up their relationships or get lost in a fantasy. Not only did heating up other people’s sex lives make him feel good, it also turned him on. He often wondered how many orgasms his viewers had along with him. How much pleasure he brought to another person simply by pleasuring himself. There was so much suffering in the world; to provide positive moments of release to fans who needed them was awesome.

  Growing up, Blake thought he was more like his mother than his father, but his adulthood had taught him that his assumption was wrong. His dad had always been an enigma, a man who spread love while not giving enough at home. Blake never got it when he was young, how his father could care about him and Logan if he was in and out of their lives. The older he got, the more Blake realized that some people were meant to move, to share with too many and be understood by too few. The things he’d never accepted about his father were the same ones he’d been forced to acknowledge in himself. He couldn’t be everything to anyone, but he could be something to everyone. Maybe he’d never be enough to the people who mattered, but he couldn’t worry about that, there was so much more to focus on.

  He’d spent years avoiding Uniontown. Turning down his mother’s invitations because he couldn’t stand the idea of being in a town full of people who ruined him. As soon as his mother pulled her car onto a familiar country road, Blake was plagued by thoughts of Jeremiah Burbar, Steve Cooks and the other assholes on the wrestling team whose prejudice made his life hell. The fields were orange with Adderall, the same color as the jumpsuit Nick Holgate would pull on and off for the rest of his life, a hue Blake vowed to avoid. The shade trees that hovered over the car as it drove down the street were Xander Marks and Claire’s family, people who judged him because he wanted something they didn’t want him to want, be it girls or boys. To them, he would never make the right choice. They didn’t understand that there wasn’t one. It wasn’t one or the other, it never had been.

  “Are you okay?” Grace asked, patting Blake’s knee as she drove.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” he replied, too embarrassed to admit that he was anything but. The smartest thing he’d done over the last couple of years was avoid Uniontown. The deluge of emotions wasn’t worth the effort, even if it made his mom happy. He didn’t know why she cared about having him at the house anyway. They had a great time when she visited Lexington. Her insistence that he come home, even just for a couple of hours, was like her torture. He couldn’t blame her for wanting everything to be alright. Deep down, he did too, but Blake doubted he would ever find solace in a town where his life had been so turbulent.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” she replied, biting her lip. “I want you to remember where you come from before you go away.”

  “What’s the point of remembering this place?” Blake asked.

  Though he’d never filled his mother in on all that had gone down during his days at Woodland County High School, she couldn’t have been dense enough to miss the signs that things had been bad.

  “Because whether you like it or not, it made you who you are, and I want you to remember who you are when you get to wherever you’re going.”

  Blake had told Grace exactly what he would be doing in San Diego, and she seemed to cope with the news by speaking like Yoda and remaining as vague as possible. He didn’t give her shit about it, though. He’d given her enough of that throughout his high school years.

  “You think I should hold Kentucky values?” he scoffed, shaking his head at the suggestion. “I don’t think that’ll get me far in California.”

  “Not Kentucky values, per say, but Mitchell values, maybe. I haven’t raised you to be any certain way other than smart, Blake. Be smart out there. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. You know that, and you know how to say no.”

  “Of course I do,” Blake promised. “It’s not like that, though. It’s not predatory like you’re making it seem.”

  “And you know this how?�
� Grace challenged. “I’m just saying, despite everything, you have a good head on your shoulders and I want to know you’re going to use it.”

  “I’ll use it.”

  “You should take Greg out there with you. You’re still in touch, aren’t you? It may be good for you to have some moral support.”

  “You have time to wrap your mind to wrap around the fact that this is a good thing. I’m not scared of it, I’m not dreading it...”

  “It’s hard for me to imagine you doing this, Blake.”

  “You really shouldn’t try to imagine it,” Blake cringed. “Seriously, did you ever think about the sex I had with my girlfriends or boyfriends? There are just some things that parents shouldn’t think about, right?”

  “It makes it difficult when you’re looking to have this as a career. What should I tell people? When they ask what you’re up to, what should I say?”

  “Who the hell is asking about me?” Blake said with a laugh.

  “Sometimes the girls at the office ask me,” she informed him defensively.

  “You can tell them I’m at the restaurant. What do you care what they think anyway?”

  “What a blessing it is for you that you don’t care about other people’s impressions of you!” Grace exclaimed. “I wish you got that quality from me.”

  “I got a lot of good qualities from you,” Blake promised. “You know what you should do? Tell them to fuck off.”

  “Blake!”

  “I’m serious. It would be liberating for you.”

  “Do you know what would be liberating for me?”

  “I think you’re about to tell me...”

  “Your success. I don’t want to lose sleep worrying about your future,” Grace stated.

  “You don’t have to worry about me,” Blake said. “I’ve been worrying about myself for a while, and I’m doing well. It may not be what you imagined for me, but this is good. It’s something I need to do.”

  “How could I not worry about you?” Grace asked.

  As she pulled into the driveway, Blake remembered pushing the blue Saturn to the street

  in an attempt to avoid revving the engine and waking his mom.

  “I’m different now.”

  “In what ways?”

  “All the ones that matter,” Blake stated, exiting the car the moment his mother turned off the ignition. “I’m going to go for a walk.”

  “We just got here,” Grace tsked. “At least say hi to your brother first.

  “He’s not going anywhere.”

  “Come back soon,” she relented, “Dinner’s in twenty.”

  Blake nodded before heading on his way. Although he didn’t know where he was going, he knew he needed to walk and clear his mind of oppressive thoughts. Trekking down the road, he made his way to a familiar spot. The place didn’t hold much meaning to him, but it didn’t stop the moment from being meaningful. He’d been there hundreds of times, but he’d never felt the way he did that day. It was as if he was seeing an old world through new eyes, an unexpected awakening. What had seemed promising in Lexington was suddenly promised in Uniontown, not because of where he was, but because of who he had become in spite of the place where he was raised.

  As he stood on the hill overlooking the lush green land below, Blake was bigger than the small town that had sought to minimize him. The fear of failure that had tethered him to ideals that were never ideal for him dissipated more and more with every dollar he made doing something he enjoyed. Like the flock of birds he watched fly toward the apricot sunset, he was free. He wasn't his mistakes as he believed he was in the past. He was his future, and even in the dimming moments of the dusky hour, he was bright.

  The Rise Up Series

  Book Two

  October 2018