The Onion

by Sex;Other Natural Disaster The Onion Presents: Love

  “What the fuck just happened?” roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. “At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, ‘Why are we even doing this? I don’t understand why we’re doing this! It doesn’t make either of us the least bit happy. Just end it, already, just end it!’ ”

  Added Schumer, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  Despite opening only last week, Life Force Crusher-X is already one of Magic Mountain’s main attractions. The park has even been forced to extend its hours to accommodate ticket holders who said they would never come back, only to find themselves pounding on the gates at 2 a.m., desperate for just one more go-round.

  “I can’t decide if I hate the ride or hate myself for going on it,” read one comment on a website that reviews roller coasters. “At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier.”

  “I don’t know,” the comment continued. “Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve.”

  Park-goer Andrew Murray had a similar experience on the Six Flags ride.

  “Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off,” Murray said. “But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren’t trapped on that suffocating machine.”

  Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster’s structure—more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt—both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah.

  “ ‘I can’t decide if I hate the ride or hate myself for going on it. At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier.’ ”

  “Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman,” designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. “In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember.”

  Six Flags officials said they’ve already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling “even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah.”

  It’s scheduled to open in 2012 and will be based on not being in a relationship with Deborah.

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Former Couple To Remain Friends Until One Finds New Sex Partner

  MCMINNVILLE, OR—Bryce Tornquist and Stephanie Herrick, whose three-year relationship ended in August, are remaining close friends until one of them finds a new sex partner. “We still have a lot in common, and it’s really nice to have someone around who knows you so well,” the 26-year-old Tornquist said Tuesday. “So, until one of us is having sex with somebody else, it really works out for both of us.” Tornquist added that he really, really hopes to be the one to find a new sex partner first.

  NEWS

  SWM May Have Lied About Liking Sunsets, Long Walks

  NEW LONDON, CT—According to reports, Steve Zollner, 36, a New London–area non-smoking SWM, may have lied about his taste for long walks and sunsets.

  A June 1996 file photo of non-smoking SWM Steve Zollner sharing good times and outdoor fun with an unidentified woman.

  Zollner’s long-walks- and sunset-liking claim, which has appeared frequently in the personals section of The New London Examiner since late December, is believed by local police to be part of an elaborate scheme by the at-large Zollner to lure unsuspecting attractive, fit SWFs between the ages of 30 to 40.

  “Lurking somewhere in this city is a scam artist who lures innocent women to his voice-mail box with false claims of enjoying sunsets, long walks, and various other activities of a romantic nature,” New London police chief Eugene Woodall said. “We are urging all women in the area to exercise extreme caution when approaching unfamiliar men for friendship and possibly more.”

  “ ‘A well-built outdoors-type who loves spending cuddly evenings in front of the fireplace and going out to movies? It just didn’t seem possible for one man to have so many wildly divergent interests.’ ”

  In addition to sunsets and long walks, Zollner, who sometimes goes by the aliases “Classy Companion” and “Your Mr. Right?” claimed in the 58-word ad to have a fondness for candlelit dinners, close companionship, and new adventures. Zollner’s numerous victims said these claims are also false.

  “In the ad, Steve sounded like a real teddy bear, so I called him up,” said Rhonda Leland, a petite 36-year-old veterinarian’s assistant who is intelligent and independent, but also a dreamer. “Then, after a few weeks of dating him, it became clear that Steve wasn’t interested in anything but drinking beer and watching COPS. Once, I even suggested that we go for a walk and he said, ‘Walk? What do you want to walk for?’ It was obvious that I had been the victim of a scam.”

  Shoe-store manager Janet Dreisbach, a once bitten, twice shy, recently divorced professional with above-average looks, had a similar experience with Zollner. “When I saw #2567’s ad, it seemed too good to be true,” said Dreisbach, who has been looking for a discriminating soulmate for good times and great conversation since February 1996. “After all, it sounded like we had a lot in common, like the part in the ad that said he ‘enjoys having fun.’ Well, as I quickly found out, it was too good to be true.”

  Thus far, police said, Zollner’s scam has claimed eight victims. In addition to Leland and Dreisbach, six other women responded to Zollner’s personals ad during its five-week run, including three who actually went on dates with Zollner and one who left several messages for him on The New London Examiner’s automated Love Line.

  “Something about this particular personals ad just didn’t add up,” said Det. Daniel Stenson, who launched the investigation of Zollner after spotting his ad in a special Jan. 3 “Catch The Love Bug” pull-out section of The Examiner. “A well-built outdoors-type who loves spending cuddly evenings in front of the fireplace and going out to movies? It just didn’t seem possible for one man to have so many wildly divergent interests.”

  Also being sought by police is Erik Larsen, a friend of Zollner’s who is widely suspected to be the individual who suggested that Zollner try placing a personals ad. According to police, Larsen also may have assisted Zollner in writing the ad, in effect making him an accomplice to the crime.

  “Serving as an accomplice to fraud is a serious crime with serious consequences,” Stenson said. “If Mr. Larsen is caught, he will have some very grave questions to answer.”

  Though no formal charges have yet been filed against Zollner, police have collected substantial evidence against him. For example, contrary to Zollner’s claim of being “a major music lover,” a police search of his home found that he owns only six CDs, one of which is a Little River Band disc still in its plastic shrink-wrap. Further, Zollner’s assertion that he loves “drinking wine by the fireplace” was cast into doubt when investigators found no trace of either wine or a fireplace in his three-room apartment.

  “Contrary to Zollner’s claim of being ‘a major music lover,’ a police search of his home found that he owns only six CDs, one of which is a Little River Band disc still in its plastic shrink-wrap.”

  “It is clear that by concocting these deliberately misleading fabrications, Zollner intended to represent himself in a positive light to overly trusting members of the opposite sex,” Stenson said. “And for what purpose? To ensnare them in the cruel web of banality and boredom that is his existence as an aging single.”

  Anyone with information about Zollner is urged to call the New London Police Department at 1-900-555-9365, box #2952. Callers must be 18 or older, and all calls are strictly confidential. Touchtone phones only. No fatties.

  NEWS

  Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differen
ces To Find Love

  DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed “Goth for life” Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway, 26, faced bigger obstacles than most couples. In spite of having come from vastly different subcultural groups, the unlikely couple celebrated their three-month anniversary Monday.

  Rick Halloway and Danielle Richardson, who overcame odds to find love.

  “It hasn’t been easy dating someone so totally different,” said Halloway, wearing faded black jeans and a Mastodon T-shirt. “There have been times, like when Dani asked who Phil Anselmo was, that I almost wanted to say ‘forget this bullshit.’ But then I reminded myself that nothing good is ever easy. That’s why I chose the path of metal—living fast and rocking hard. I never in my craziest dreams thought that path would lead me to Dani, but I’m so glad it did.”

  Added Halloway: “Fuckin’ A, she totally rocks.”

  Richardson said that, although she has lived her whole life in the same small, largely middle-class Midwestern town as Halloway, the two couldn’t be more different. While Halloway spends his free time fixing his car or plugging the jukebox at T.J.’s Tap, Richardson spends her free time shopping at thrift stores and reading poetry at The Black Cat, a red-velvet-curtained bar nearly 10 blocks away from T.J.’s.

  “No one is more surprised by our union than I,” Richardson said. “When we met, there was a strong attraction, but so much more is required for lasting love. I never believed one such as Rick could touch my shadowed heart, but touch it he has.”

  “ ‘Danielle was wearing this black lacy thing. I like women who wear black, but usually it’s leather with studs. But something about her made me wait for her after my movie got out.’ ”

  Halloway admitted that the relationship got off to a shaky start.

  “Me and some of my friends were hanging out in front of the Midas when Dani walked by with a big, black umbrella,” Halloway said. “Well, it wasn’t raining, so my friends started making fun of her. But when she looked over, our eyes locked. I was like, ‘Whoa.’ ”

  A few days later, Halloway ran into Richardson at the Danville Cineplex.

  “I asked her what she was going to see—I think it was that gay-ass Blade: Trinity movie,” Halloway said. “Danielle was wearing this weird black lacy thing. I like women who wear black, but usually it’s leather with studs. But something about her made me wait for her after my movie got out. I’m so glad I did.”

  “ ‘I thought Danielle was just trying to get a reaction from us by going out with some loser. I could see how our outrage might be delicious to her, but now, she actually seems serious about Rick. This lunacy makes my mind swim with sadness.’ ”

  Richardson said she began dating Halloway with serious reservations.

  “Our first date was positively chilling—Rick’s soul seemed to be crying out to me,” Richardson said. “Still, it brought me much pain to realize that we would have no future together—we were so very different.”

  “But at the end of the night, when I reached out to take Rick’s hand, I noticed that his fingernails were painted black,” Richardson added. “I told him how sexy it was, and he told me he got the idea from a Danzig video. That was the first time I realized we had something deep and eternal in common.”

  Although he had similar doubts, Halloway said he “decided to say ‘fuck it’ and go for it.”

  “On our next date, Danielle took me to this place where a house had burned to the ground—the whole place was all scorched and shit,” Halloway said. “It looked like a Sepultura video. It was such a kickass spot that we started making out like animals.”

  Continued Halloway: “For a girl who writes poetry, Danielle is a totally crazed hell-demon in the sack. She tears the shit out of my back. She’s a righteous chick, even if she doesn’t like me calling her that.”

  Although the couple overcame subcultural differences, their friends have not been so open-minded.

  “I thought Danielle was just trying to get a reaction from us by going out with some loser,” said Valerie Brasher, a longtime Goth. “I could see how our outrage might be delicious to her, but now, she actually seems serious about Rick. This lunacy makes my mind swim with sadness.”

  “Danielle will always be very dear to me, but I can’t support that relationship,” Brasher added. “Once, I suggested that Rick wax his goatee into a tapered, devilish point and he told me to keep my pale-ass freak hands to myself. I mean, talk about your typical close-minded metalhead vulgarian behavior.”

  Halloway’s friends have similarly disparaged the union.

  “I told Rick that there’s a reason why, when we were all in high school, our friends would hang out under the bleachers and the Goths would hang out in the atrium,” Mike Kryzinski said. “It was because our kinds don’t get along. What’s gonna happen at their wedding when Danielle starts playing Sisters Of Mercy or some shit like that? What kind of music are their kids gonna listen to? Hasn’t he ever stopped and thought about the future?”

  NEWS IN BRIEF

  Woman Only Dates On National Television Now

  HOLLYWOOD—After stints on Temptation Island, The Bachelor, and For Love Or Money, 23-year-old bartender/model Angela Langdon announced Monday that she refuses to date anyone who’s not courting her in a front of a national TV audience. “Unless there’s the promise of a million-dollar payday, a romantic evening in the tropics, or a humiliating rejection in front of all of America, I’m not interested,” Langdon told potential suitors. “Come with cameras, or don’t come at all.” Langdon also expressed a preference for network shows over those in syndication.

  NEWS

  Soulmate Dropped For New, Better Soulmate

  BLOOMINGTON, IN—The deep and abiding love shared by soulmates Andrew Colton and Brenda Smolensk ended Monday, when Colton broke up with Smolensk to go out with new soulmate Mandy Damrush.

  Soulmates Andrew Colton and Mandy Damrush. Inset: Brenda Smolensk, Colton’s former soulmate.

  “Mandy and I are so perfect together, I almost can’t believe it,” a beaming Colton said Monday. “It’s like we’re the same person. Even though we just met, I feel like we’re soulmates, like I’ve known her my whole life.”

  From June 17, 1996, until 2:15 p.m. Monday, Colton and former soulmate Smolensk were inseparable, describing themselves as “unwhole without each other.” In a poem he gave to Smolensk in June to commemorate the third anniversary of their meeting, Colton described their relationship as “like one mind in two bodies, ever understanding and ever clear.”

  According to Colton, Smolensk was the love of his life at the time.

  “Brenda and I were a perfect match,” Colton said. “We would go on long walks and talk for hours about literally any subject. I would start a sentence, fumble for a word, and Brenda would finish for me. Or she could just look at me and say out loud what I was thinking.”

  Added Colton: “Fortunately, Mandy doesn’t interrupt me or do any of that annoying stuff Brenda did.”

  Colton also fondly recalled his last Christmas with Smolensk. “One of my gifts to her was a Thighmaster, and she got all excited and asked, ‘How did you know I wanted to work on my thighs?’ ” Colton said. “How did I know? Well, I would often see her standing in front of her full-length mirror and, just from the way she looked at herself, I could tell she was unhappy about all the dimples in her thighs. That’s just the sort of deep understanding we had for each other.”

  “ ‘I want to be clear that I’m not trying to bad-mouth Brenda at all. I have nothing but good things to say about her. What we had was truly once-in-a-lifetime. But what I have now is even more once-in-a-lifetime.’ ”

  Colton then slipped his arm around Damrush and said, “Mandy has got incredible thighs.”

  But despite the fact that the pair’s relationship seemed made in heaven, Colton and Smolensk gradually grew apart.

  “ ‘Mandy is so incredibly wonderful. I mean, I thought Brenda was the only w
oman in the world for Andrew, but now it’s clear that it’s Mandy.’ ”

  “As great as Brenda was, we somehow fell into a rut. Toward the end, we didn’t do anything together. We didn’t even talk very much,” said Colton, recalling his last days with Smolensk. “On the other hand, Mandy and I already get along so well, it’s like we have a telepathic bond—neither of us even has to say a word. Mandy truly is the only person on the planet I can see myself with. What are the odds we would meet?”

  Colton’s friends have already accepted his newer, even more ideal companion into their circle.

  “Mandy is so incredibly wonderful,” said David Rudd, Colton’s best friend and roommate. “I mean, I thought Brenda was the only woman in the world for Andrew, but now it’s clear that it’s Mandy.”

  “I know it sounds like a cliche, but Andrew and Brenda were so right for each other, it seemed like it was, like, cosmic or something,” longtime friend Marc Elliot said. “Believe me, the last thing anyone expected was that Andrew would actually find a soulmate who was even better.”

  “Good for him,” Elliot added.

  Despite having moved on, Colton stressed the special place his ex-soulmate will always have in his heart: “I want to be clear that I’m not trying to bad-mouth Brenda at all. I have nothing but good things to say about her. What we had was truly once-in-a-lifetime. But what I have now is even more once-in-a-lifetime.”

  Colton said he will always be thankful for meeting Smolensk, as he learned much from her.

  “When fate led me to Brenda, I was a wounded person, afraid I would never again be able to trust a woman. After all, my heart had been broken by three previous soulmates,” Colton said. “But Brenda taught me that I could find true love again. And you know what? That’s exactly what I’ve done.”