Blue Aspen

by Tenaya Jayne

  I left the gallery after putting the scrapbook back where I found it. I felt isolated and wanted to be closer to my uncle, even if he was asleep. As I walked up to my room, I thought to myself, I can do this. I can be alone here. There is no one to fear. There is no one around. All I have to do is stay busy.

  When I was back upstairs, I picked up the blue aspen book and climbed into bed. I opened it to the dog-eared page again.

  "She didn’t know how much he loved her. She didn’t even know his name. She had never looked in his eyes, but she would soon. And she would see herself there, not just her reflection, but her true self. Beyond the surface of his eyes, were the pools that would show her who she really was. The parts of her that she herself, did not yet know. Soon…"

  I sighed and shut the book. What I read made me feel that Vivian had loved my uncle very much. She had used this book to let him know. I yawned and rolled over to turn off my lamp. I lay awake a long time, listening to the silence. Would I be able to stand it when Uncle Jack was gone? I tried to think about something comforting. I thought about the book, and the note. I thought about being in love, and I thought about Theta. Finally, I fell asleep.

  I fell though the surface of Alpha into the second layer, and was dreaming again. The thick falling snow had me hypnotized as I rested my forehead against the window. It fell in patterns over the trees and lake. But the trees, ah, the trees, they were calling to me. Another world lay hidden under them. I just knew it. A world that was beckoning me to come, pulling at my heart.

  I looked down at myself and smiled. I was wearing the midnight blue nightgown again. I grabbed a handful of the material and rubbed it between my thumb and index finger, and shivered.

  "Dulcee…" It was like the whisper of a ghost, echoing around me.

  I looked out and there he was, Theta. He was standing at the very edge of the lake, facing me, looking up at me. All my muscles tensed and then turned to putty. He was not merely a shadow, as he had been before. The moon was full and it was illuminating him. I was not afraid, a warm peaceful feeling entered my chest. He was the most attractive man I had ever seen, tall and dark with pale blue eyes. I could find no flaw to his appearance.

  I felt a strong sense of longing twist in my gut. If I was designing a person, and I guess I was, he was it. It was my dream after all. He smiled at me, and I felt my heart flutter. Then he stepped into the lake and began to sink under the water. He was sinking not because he was continuing to move forward, deeper. No. He was sinking as if the water was quicksand. He continued to look and smile at me as he sank deeper and deeper. His smile never faltered as the water claimed him inch by inch.

  "Soon… " he whispered. Though he was fifty yards from me, I heard it as if he was whispering right in my ear. Then he was gone, without a ripple.

  My eyelids dragged themselves open. My room was still dark. A slow smile spread across my face. Dreaming is wonderful, I thought to myself. I looked at the alarm clock on my bedside table. It was only one in the morning. Plenty of time for more. I lay there for twenty minutes, willing myself to go back to sleep. I was almost sure it was futile to hope I would drift back into Theta sleep. I wished as hard as I could, pleading with my subconscious, to let me see him again, as I fell. But, it hadn’t been futile to hope at all.

  I was outside now, in my satin nightgown, barefoot in the snow. I wasn’t cold because I was really in bed. I was standing next to the lake, where he had been in my last dream. However, I somehow knew that the lake no longer held him. The snow was falling thickly, clinging to my hair, brushing my bare shoulders. I felt totally happy, which was something I had never been before.

  Everything around me was just as it should have been, the forest, the lake, the house. But it was all in a heightened state of beauty, subtly not the same. The snowflakes were three times the size they should have been, maybe more, and I could clearly see their intricacies; the unique design of each one, as if they all were under a microscope.

  I wondered what I should do. How could I find him? A faint humming filled my ears. I looked over my shoulder just in time to duck, as the blur of a blue hummingbird shot past me. It darted back and forth very close to my face and then took off into the trees. I was sad it had gone. Then it was back, darting again in front of me. It wanted me to follow it.

  "Not so fast," I said.

  The bird hovered inches from my face, looking me in the eyes. Then it took off again toward the forest, but much slower this time. I followed. It was dark under the canopy of the trees. The light filtered down through the boughs and played upon the ground where I walked. I smiled, feeling sure that the bird was leading me to something wonderful.

  The deeper in we went, the more frantic the little bird became. It darted back and forth in irritation. I could feel we were getting close. I supposed I wasn’t moving fast enough for the speedy little thing. I looked into the distance and became excited, too. Not far ahead was a small clearing, with a solitary tree in the center. The small space was bursting with the life of spring. The tree in the center was an aspen, and it was blue. It was also three times as large as an average aspen. My feet left the snow and stepped on warm soft grass. It was still snowing, but here in this confined place, the snow came down as flecks of gold. The trunk of the tree was the only thing in the clearing that was the right colors, black and silvery white. The hummingbird zoomed to the tree and disappeared in the blue leaves. The bird had been the same color as my nightgown, my nightgown the same color as the leaves. I couldn’t help but notice my dreams were filled with the same two colors, blue and black. Theta was also these colors, blue eyes, black hair.

  I approached the tree, close enough to touch it. It was the most magical thing I had ever seen. I began to walk around it. Then, hanging before me, in the low branches was a carved wooden heart, only slightly larger than an actual human heart. It was tied to the branch with a braided black cord. The heart looked old; the white and light blue finish was crackled. I knew it was a gift for me. I reached up with both hands and untied it. It shuddered in my grasp and almost felt like flesh. The ghost of a beat, thumped deep inside it. I turned it over and saw the word that was carved across it, yours.

  "Dulcee…" his whisper was close.

  I looked around and there he was, leaning casually against the nearest tree, just outside of the clearing. I stood where I was and gazed calmly at him, though my heart was pounding loud enough for me to hear it. I had never seen anything I wanted so badly.

  "Who are you?" I asked.

  He smiled and replied the way he had before. "Soon…"

  My eyes popped open and I sat bolt upright in bed, gasping. My heart was thrashing beneath my ribs like I had been running instead of sleeping. The late morning sun was filling my room with warm, blinding light.

  I lumbered out of bed, feeling a little strung out as my heart began to calm itself. I was going to go straight to the bathroom and shower when a bunch of noise distracted me. Loud clattering was coming through the walls. I could hear stomping back and forth and my uncle’s raised, harried voice.

  I went out into the hallway. His door was ajar and I could see him going back and forth. He sounded very angry. He was on the phone to someone. I figured that he was talking to his lawyer. I approached the door, quietly. I didn’t want him to know I was there. Now that I was closer, I could see that he was packing. There was an open suitcase on the bed and he was marching back and forth from the closet, throwing clothing into it.

  "NO! You’re not listening to me. I told you how to handle this…Well, If you weren’t so incompetent, I wouldn’t be having to get on a plane today.…Yeah, it’s pretty obvious you didn’t foresee this.…Yes, I’ll be there tonight. Everything better be in order when I get there." He hung up the phone and threw it on the bed.

  I tried to back away without him noticing. I almost made it back inside my room, when the floor under my foot creaked. Uncle Jack came out into the hall looking vexed.

  "I’m sorry you had to hear tha
t," he said.

  "That’s okay. Did I hear you right? Are you leaving today?" I was feeling a little vexed myself.

  "Yeah. My plane leaves this evening. I’m so sorry but there’s nothing for it. I have to go. We need to go to town right away to get you all the things you need. Get dressed and come down stairs."

  I got ready as quickly as I could. I really did want to take a shower, but I knew the delay would put even more pressure on my uncle. So, I pulled my dirty hair into a ponytail and threw on the same clothes I wore yesterday.

  Ten minutes later, we were outside on the snowmobile making our way down to the garage. I felt a rush of anxiety. I told myself to be positive and nonchalant, to set Uncle Jack at ease about leaving me. Once in the truck, we started descending to town. We didn’t speak much. I didn’t know what to say, and Uncle Jack seemed preoccupied in his own thoughts. The day was clear and bright, the sun glinting off the snow. It took forty minutes to get to town, and I was sure that Uncle Jack was driving a little too fast.

  Durango is a town that, to me, looks trapped in the past. The old steam train still ran tourists back on forth to Silverton. It was all very quaint and charming. We ate greasy fast food at the drive-up before going shopping.

  "We will get you your coat and boots first, and then go grocery shopping. After that, we need to go home. I have to finish packing and leave." he said.

  I looked at my watch. 10:30. I instantly felt the ticking deadline of his departure. It would be upon me very quickly.

  I took a deep breath, trying once again to steady my emotions. Uncle Jack took me to a large clothing store, where I picked out a matching snow outfit. I got a new coat, boots, gloves, scarf, and hat, also a new selection of jeans and sweaters. We had a good time, considering. I had never had such fine or expensive things before. The bill for my new things was outrageous, but Uncle Jack didn’t even flinch. Then I wondered what would happen if things went awry for him in court. Would he be poor? I was sure he had money of his own, but would he have to sell his house? Would we have to move? I knew I was having selfish feelings, but I didn’t want to have my new luxury taken from me.

  Grocery shopping seemed to take forever. We bought enough food to feed an army. I wondered if he always got this much when he went shopping. A young, gangly grocery employee, not much older than me, helped load the back of the truck with our food. His spiked blue and orange hair and excessive piercings were not nearly as odd as his nametag, which read: "Normal." When I asked him about it, he merely smiled and said it wasn’t a typo.

  It was mid-afternoon by the time we headed home. As we drove, I felt like doom was surrounding me. I knew Uncle Jack would be hurried to finish everything before he left. I hadn’t thought about how we would get all the food up to the house from the garage until we arrived. I thought we would have to take it up in loads, but I was quickly relieved.

  "Don’t look so worried," he said, chuckling. "The road's not so bad today. I just have to put the chains on the tires and we can go up." He chuckled some more, knowing what I had been thinking. I was pleased to see him smile again, even if it was at my expense.

  It was slow going up to the house after Uncle Jack put the chains on. Once in the garage we hurriedly pushed back and forth past each other carting the food to the kitchen. It seemed to take hours, with the anxiety level continuing to climb. I really wished we had kidnapped "Normal" to help.

  When all the food was put away, I went to my room with my bags of new clothes. It was four fifteen. I didn’t know exactly what time Uncle Jack had to leave, but I knew it was crunch time.

  Going over to my window and looking out over the lake, my dreams came back into my head. I hadn’t even thought about them since I woke up. It had been quite delicious. A warm shudder went through me, as I thought about my dream guy again. I hoped I could mentally hold on to his face, and then maybe he might drift into my dreams again. By the time I hung up all my new clothes, I could hear Uncle Jack tromping up the stairs. I poked my head out of my room as he went past.

  "Need any help?" I asked.

  "No, I don’t think…hey come here, I better show you how to work the control panel."

  I followed him into his room. I hadn't really looked inside it before. The room was smaller than I thought it would be, not much bigger than my own. He had decorated it in a rustic log cabin kind of way. Dark rich colors and lots of wood, with bear and moose motifs.

  "Okay." He waved me over to the control panel on the wall. "I am going to set the system so you won’t have to deal with it much. The alarm will be on at all times. If you want to go outside, just push this long button before and then again when you come back in. If you set it off by mistake, just run up here and punch in the code 8876. Got that? Good. I am going to turn off the light’s control. You can leave the lights on at night if you want, all the lights will work like normal, on the switches. The fireplace will turn off at twelve every night, and if you need to adjust anything else all the buttons are marked, it’s pretty easy."

  I pushed all my stress down into my stomach, ignoring it, and smiled. "Okay, I got it. Is there anything else I need to know?"

  "Oh yeah, one more thing…" He walked across the room over to his bed. Reaching into the drawer on his bedside table, he pulled out a black 9mm. I was shocked. All my muscles tensed. I didn’t move.

  "Don’t be alarmed, come here. I want to show you how to use it."

  I stood still. Uncle Jack looked at me, questioningly. I willed my feet to move forward.

  "It’s okay, Sweetie," Uncle Jack crooned. "You don’t need to be afraid of guns. It’s just a machine. It’s here to protect you."

  He handed it to me. He didn’t understand my hesitation, I wasn’t afraid of the gun. I was afraid of his reaction, once he saw what I could do with it. Its size and weight were familiar to me. I ejected the magazine. It was loaded. I planted my feet and squared my shoulders. My hands were steady and confident as I flicked off the safety, cocked it, and aimed at a print of a bear on the wall.

  Uncle Jack’s eyes flew open in surprise, as I knew they would. I eased my stance, lowering the pistol. I handed it back to him, the hammer disengaged, the safety back on. I grimaced, knowing what he was about to ask me.

  "So, I guess this isn't the first gun you've handled. Where did you learn to shoot?"

  "That’s a rather long story," I hedged.

  He looked at me, calculating for a moment before smiling. "Well, that’s one less thing I need to worry about. You can use it if you need to."

  I was feeling slightly bemused. "Will I need to?"

  "No. You won’t need to, but this world is an unsteady place. Just for paranoia sake. Better safe than sorry." He smiled and put it back in the drawer.

  The whole thing had just made me feel a lot worse. I suppose it should have made me feel better, extra security. But I was unhappy to have exposed one of my secrets to him like that. I didn’t want to talk about that, not now, not ever, and not with him. I stomped down stairs, annoyed, as Uncle Jack finished packing. I sat down by the fire, staring into the flames. I would be totally alone in a matter of minutes.

  Uncle Jack came clomping down the stairs with two large suitcases. "After I load up, I have to go," he wheezed under the weight of his luggage.

  The next thing I knew, he was in the truck, waving at me out of the window. I waved back with a very fixed smile on my face. It had begun. The taillights vanished into the snow. I was alone.

  Walking back inside from the front stoop, everything slowed down. As I shut the door behind me, it seemed to move with super heaviness. The sound of it shutting, echoed off the walls and floor. I stood still, breathing slowly. I was trapped. I had no means of escape; the snowmobile was all the way down at the garage. Even if I got to it, there was no way the snowmobile could get me all the way to town. I just had to make my peace with the situation.

  "Okay," I said loudly. "We are going to get some things straight, right here and now, House. I am not afraid of you! And jus
t in case you haven’t heard, size isn’t everything. You will bend to my will, because while Uncle Jack is gone, I’m the Queen. You got that? Good."

  After a few hours had passed, I learned that keeping the TV in the living room on at all times helped a great deal. Just to hear talking made me feel much better. The light outside was fading; the night was coming in with force. I walked around the main floor turning lights on. I decided that once it got dark, I would not go wandering around the house. I would stay on the main floor and only up to my room, nowhere else.

  I tried to forget the size of the house and just pretend it was only as large as the living room, kitchen, and upstairs bedrooms. I shut all the drapes and plopped down in front of the TV. I began to feel relaxed, channel surfing. I stopped on a special about the migration of killer whales and slipped into a sleepy semi-consciousness.

  My mind began to wander places I didn't want it to go. And try as I might to rein it in, it just became more and more unruly. Unwillingly, I thought about my mother. It had been some considerable time since I had allowed myself to feel any pain over her. It had become clear to me at a very young age that, unlike my schoolmates who were loved by their mothers, mine loathed me. My little friends had love and trust in their mothers, but I had fear. I was always unsure of what she was capable of. My father was my shelter. He never held it against me that I was what bound him to her. When he died, my security was buried with him and a great fear entered my heart. From that day forward, I contrived how to escape her clutch.