by Tenaya Jayne
"I’ve messed up so badly," I moaned. "I was very rude to my uncle just now. I think he thinks that there is something wrong with me, the way he looked at me. I just don’t know what to do. My temper got the better of me. He said he's going to be up all night, and I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see you. I just…I…" My voice trailed off.
Vincent exhaled loudly. "It will be all right," he sighed. "Just try your hardest to act normal. Don’t get mad over little things. One way or another, I will come to you."
I took a deep breath. "Okay. I’ll do my best. I just don’t feel right when I’m not with you. I had this terrible headache this morning, and then, when we went to town, it got worse. The further I was from you the worse it got. I feel strung out and jumpy, not to mention irritable. If this is how I’m going to feel when we’re apart, I don’t know how well I will be able to behave. I’ll start to go mad. I need you, Vincent."
"I know, but you really shouldn’t suffer anything worse than what you did today. You can handle it. I know you can. I must leave you now. Your uncle is on his way to see you."
"No," I whimpered, pulling him tighter.
He looked into my eyes. "The price, remember? You said you could pay it."
I bit my bottom lip and nodded. He smiled and pulled my face to his, kissing me quickly. Then he let go of me and pulled open the French doors leading out to my terrace. I shut the doors quietly behind him. We gazed at each other wistfully through the glass for a moment, before he swung himself over the railing and jumped to the ground. I was worried the fall would have broken his legs, but after a second, I could see him running to the edge of the forest. A soft knock on my door made me tear myself away from the window.
"Hi." I opened the door.
"Hi…Look, I was a little worried about you. Are you sure that you’re okay?" he asked, looking a little gun-shy.
I smiled feeling more centered. "I’m fine. I’m sorry about the way I acted downstairs. I just am not feeling myself today… And, I would like to do something, if the offer still stands."
He looked happy and a bit relieved at my change of attitude. "Sure it does. Want to watch a movie in the theater?"
"That sounds good." I smiled.
"Well, let's go!" Uncle Jack looked positively ecstatic. I went with him down to the theater. He had a great time bustling around, getting popcorn and soda for me, and turning on all the equipment.
"This is my favorite," he said, plopping down next to me and spilling popcorn on the floor. A few seconds later the screen started flashing. Uncle Jack’s favorite movie turned out to be a cheesy old western. I sat through it pleasantly enough, laughing at the silly one-liners absentmindedly. My real thoughts were in the solarium across the hall. I wondered if I would be able to go in there at all tonight. The movie seemed to drag on and on, but my participation in the whole thing seemed to mean the world to Uncle Jack. Finally, the movie was over and I made a point of doing some large theatrical yawns.
"Well that was really fun," I lied. "I think I’ll get a book from the library and go to bed."
"Okay. Thanks for watching a movie with me."
"No problem…Do you think you are still going to stay up all night?" I asked offhandedly.
"Oh probably. I might get a few hours in. Well, goodnight."
I escaped the theater into the hall. I walked quickly to the solarium and peeked through the door. It was dark and still in there. I shut the door and trekked down the hall to the library. Vincent was not there either, though I hardly expected him to be. I walked over to the shelf that held our book and pulled it down. I leaned against the shelf and opened it to the first page. There was only one small little note there.
Go back to your room. -V
I gasped and put the book back. I jetted from the library and up to my room, tripping once on the stairs. I burst through the door, out of breath. It was dark in my room. I left the light off, shut, and locked the door behind me.
"Vincent?"
He chuckled from across the room. I could see only his eyes, burning in the darkness. He rushed silently to me, consuming me with his arms and his eyes and his lips. He seemed as crazed for me as I was for him. Once we both had calmed down a bit, he asked, "Are you ready for bed?"
I laughed. "Do I look ready for bed?"
"Well, get ready, Woman," he ordered. "You did take a nap today, didn’t you?"
I paused. "Yes…A little one."
Vincent sighed. I could feel his reluctance again.
"Oh, please don’t say no! I tried. Really I did. It was just so hard to get to sleep. Please, please." I begged.
Vincent put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me intently.
"I don’t know, Dulcee…"
I threw his hands off my shoulders and wrapped myself around his chest again. "If you have to say no, then can you stay the night with me? The real you." I squeezed him around the middle. "I won’t complain about dreaming…we can just sleep. Okay?"
"It’s too risky, Dulcee. Just think what would happen if he caught me."
I shuddered at the thought. I knew he couldn’t stay. I whimpered in desperation. I had to convince him to stay with me in my sleep. I had to dream tonight. I just had to.
"I’ll get ready for bed. I’ll be quick."
I went to the bathroom and moved at super speed, getting my pajamas on, and brushing my teeth. Vincent was laying on the bed when I came back in. I skipped over to the bed and nestled down next to him, my head pillowed on his arm. He rested his face in my hair and breathed deeply.
"Vincent, please. I need you so badly. I want to fly again. Please can we fly like we did last night? You enjoyed that, I know you did."
"I should say no, but I don’t think I can. You’re not the only one with needs. I need to be with you, too. But we can’t spend all night flying, you must get some rest. You run the risk of having a mental break down."
"Okay. Anything. A little flying and a little rest. I love you." I was so excited.
Vincent laughed quietly at me. "Alright, My Girl. Ready?"
"More than ready."
We flew that night, and the night after that, and the night after that. I was able to convince Vincent that I was okay and I traded half the night for sleep each time. Nevertheless, when I looked in the mirror I could see the emaciated effect it was having on me, I could feel it too. Along with my daily headache, which ranged in its level of vileness, my nerves were cringing and clawing just under my skin.
Life with Uncle Jack went back to the way it had been before he left. He got a call from his lawyer and then he stayed in his office most of the day and only ventured out to eat. This was a very good thing for me, but I knew Uncle Jack had seen the haggard look I now wore. We ate every meal together, and I could catch him examining me out of the corner of his eye, when he thought I wasn’t looking. It was a good thing he was wrapped up in his own trouble, because I could tell I was getting more and more loopy. Vincent was not going to give in anymore, until I recuperated.
During the days, when Uncle Jack was in his office, I would flit through the house, room to room, hoping to catch Vincent around the next corner. I never knew when he was inside or outside. I never had the time to ask him how he was getting in without setting off the alarm. There was always something better to do with my mouth when I encountered him. Vincent was over cautious, I thought. He was always worried about being caught. With the size of the house, and his ability to slink away like a shadow, I thought he was being a little silly.
After our last flying dream, I woke up feeling groggy and hung over. Vincent had told me that would be the last time for a while. I had been having headaches long enough to know to get slowly out of bed, but today it made no difference. I stood up very slowly, but the pain that morning was like an axe blade through my skull. I barely got to the bathroom before I had to vomit. I took a long shower once my stomach was totally empty.
I sat on the marble floor under the hot waterfall, trying to relax. I had both my shaking
hands pressing on either side of my head. I was in utter misery. I stayed in the shower longer than I ever had before, until the tremors in my limbs eased to a shiver. When I finally surfaced from the bathroom, Uncle Jack via the intercom was calling for me to come to breakfast. I shuffled over to it and pushed the button.
"I’m not hungry, Uncle Jack," I moaned. "I feel a little sick today. I’m just going to go back to bed and I’ll see you at lunch."
The intercom beeped at an annoying pitch, vibrating my head.
"Oh, okay. I’m sorry, sweetie. Let me know if you want me to bring you anything."
"Okay." The intercom beeped loudly again. I wanted to put my fist through it.
I slunk back over to the bed and fell into it. I knew there was no way I could sleep with my head thumping the way it was. So I just lay there, my eyes pinched shut, my hands pressing on my head. The next thing I knew, the intercom was beeping loudly at me again.
"Dulcee? Are you ready to have lunch?" Uncle Jack asked.
I was groggy again. How could I have slept? I didn’t think I had, rather that the pain was too much and I passed out. I rubbed my head. It felt worlds better, but was still tender. I wanted to just shut out the noise and go back to sleep. I was exhausted and I knew it now in no uncertain terms. But I dragged myself vertical. My stomach was growling loudly. I didn’t even bother with the intercom. I just headed down stairs to the kitchen.
"Whoa, Dulcee! You look terrible." Uncle Jack exclaimed when I came into his line of sight.
I was too out of it to make a sarcastic retort, so I just shrugged my shoulders and plopped down at the table. I stuffed down three soft tacos, too busy chewing to talk to Uncle Jack. He made some off-hand comments that I didn’t listen to. It wasn’t until the food hit bottom that I became more aware of things around me.
"Well, I have to go back to my office for a while. What are you going to do?" he asked.
I looked over at the clock on the wall and was startled. It was one thirty. I had been away from Vincent for so long. I really wanted to see him. Maybe I would go hunting around for him, on the off chance he was in the house.
"I don’t know. Mess around for a while I guess. I still don’t feel well."
"Yeah, I can see that," he said emphatically.
"Well, in any case, I’ll be going to bed early tonight."
"That’s good…Look, I want you to think about what I said a few weeks ago, about us finding you a doctor. I know you don’t like the idea, but, I think it might be necessary."
"Okay…" I lied through my teeth. "I’ll think about it."
He smiled, looking placated for the moment. "That’s right. We all have to do things we don’t want to sometimes."
I nodded and left the kitchen as quickly as possible, so he wouldn’t see me shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Uncle Jack was really starting to annoy me. I didn’t like him interfering in my personal business. I would see a doctor when I wanted to. It wasn’t like I hadn’t taken care of myself almost my whole life. I didn’t need his help.
I waited until I knew he was in his office, before I began aimlessly wandering around the house. I sat down against the wall in the art glass room and zoned out among the bands of color.
I left there when my butt couldn’t stand the floor any longer and made my way down to the solarium. I was walking around in a fog. The solarium was just as alive as before. The fresh fragrance in there made me feel a little better, more alert. I stayed there a while, waiting for the night to come. I pulled my shoes off and walked barefoot in the moss, but that only made me sad because I was alone.
I began to get restless and jittery. I needed to purge my head. So I went to the library to empty myself in our book. I grabbed the book from its place and sat down with it at the table in the center. I felt as though a piano wire had been wound around my heart and it was continually pulling tighter. I was starving and only given small crumbs to stay alive. Vincent had left me a long note, well, long for him. My eyes started to sting with tears as I read it.
Today, My Love, it rained. I found myself among the trees, wallowing in the sorrow of my solitude. Though it is the dead of winter, it rained, but it was only raining on my face. The storm came from my heart. It’s cold where I am, but not half as cold as the distance between us. The frost bites at my heart, and the only way I keep it at bay is to remember the warmth in your eyes. The heat of your affection chips the ice around me. I pine for you and for the time that’s been lost. Time is, however, on our side. It moves us closer to each other and to the future, our never-ending future. The fire inside me burns for you and you alone. My heart and soul belong to you absolutely. I’ll see you, soon. -V
I read it over and over again. I missed him so much it hurt. I grabbed a pen from the cup on the table and began to write back to him. I poured my heart onto the page along with my tears. There was a miserable beauty to my words, ink streaked with tears. Once I began to write it was hard to stop. Page after page I filled with my thoughts and longings. I told him everything I could about the way I loved him and how much I needed him. The time began to slip away from me. My hand was stained with ink and my fingers were aching from the force of gripping the pen.
The sound of the door creaking made me jump and twist around. There in the doorway stood my uncle. I gasped, feeling like I had been caught naked. I slammed the book shut, clasping it to my chest.
"What on earth is wrong?" Uncle Jack asked, quickly walking toward me. "Why are you crying?"
He sat next to me and put his hand gently on my back. I wanted to tell him the truth so badly. He had confided in me. I wanted to confide in him. It would help so much if he understood. All of this charade could be over and Vincent and I could be together.
I sighed heavily, stifling my tears. "Nothing is wrong," I lied, holding to the instructions Vincent had given me. "I’m just very tired, and I got lost in this sad book."
Uncle Jack looked down at the book in my arms. "What book is that? I don’t recognize it. Can I see it?"
He reached out to take the book from me. I pulled it tighter into my chest.
"No!" I half-screamed getting quickly to my feet.
Uncle Jack looked incredulously at me, his brow furrowed. "Sweetie, why not? I mean it’s fine if you don’t want to share it. I just…" he stammered, perplexed.
I didn’t know what to say. All I wanted to do was get away from him. "Please. I just want to be alone. I … I … I’m over tired. I should go to bed."
Uncle Jack looked worried. He reached out to touch my arm. I pulled back from him and he let his hand fall.
"Dulcee, please tell me what is wrong. You’ve not been acting like yourself lately."
"How would you know that?" I shot back. "You hardly know me!"
"Dulcee…"
"Just mind your own business!" I snapped.
I turned on my heel. Walking swiftly through the door, I heard him call after me but I didn't respond. My life resembled a fully assembled puzzle that was slowly crumbling back to its tiny fragments. I ran to my room and shut the door behind me. I fell to my knees, weeping. What had I done? Why did I have no control over myself? Was I deliberately trying to sabotage everything? No. Never in my life had I even dreamed of having the kind of love Vincent had for me. My whole life had been devoid of love, I couldn’t lose it. I was in a wild frenzied fit, flailing like a baby. It was as though I had regressed into one, too.
Why was I behaving this way? Was I really that tired? I sat very still for a moment trying to analyze the physical state of my body. I did still feel strung out. My hands shook as I held them out and I felt a knot in my stomach. I put our book under my reading chair, and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and large dark bags hung underneath them. I desperately needed more sleep.
I stalked back into my darkening bedroom and rested my clammy forehead against the window, staring out into the forest. I felt so cold. The last light of evening was almost gone. I had not seen Vincent all
day. I decided to lie down and sleep for a while, maybe Vincent would find his way into my dreams. I fell onto my bed fully dressed and went to sleep almost instantly.
I tumbled into the abyss of my unconscious brain, falling headlong into the smoke and cobwebs of the recesses of my mind. I was pulled through room after room of the house, unable to stop, like I was standing on a conveyer belt that was moving very fast. When I entered a room, I would catch a glimpse of Vincent standing in a corner or behind a door. I reached out to him, but I couldn’t stop, swiftly moving into the next room. This seemed to go on. Every time I saw him, I would reach for him but he just stood still. "Vincent, please." I begged. He never moved or said a thing. I felt hurt and sick, wishing the movement would stop. The invisible conveyer belt swept me through a door at the end of a long hall and then all the moving stopped.
