War of the Posers

by Eric Ugland

  The pursuit ended there, so I walked home with my new saddle. Once outside the apartment, I found a dark spot to wait. I sat on the saddle, which was on the ground, not some magical floating thing, and while I gave a moment for anyone following me to pass or show themselves, I went through the saddlebags.

  One bag had a piece of paper in it, and on that paper was a very well-done drawing of myself. I was flattered. A little. The other side had a sack of oats, a skin of wine, and a small picnic sort of lunch — hard cheese, some bread, three small apples. I almost felt bad about taking the saddle. Almost.

  No one came by, so I took my new saddle up to my apartment.

  Chapter Forty-Six

  My apartment had no empty beds. I sighed. The chivalry of continuing to take people in and letting them stay in my apartment was beginning to wear on me. I needed my own space.

  Thankfully, because I was still a thief, no one woke up when I went inside and dropped the saddle off. I kept the picture of me, thinking it might be fun to get it framed. A small reminder of the time some random asshole had me followed. And sure, that random asshole might be the high prince of the Empire.

  I went down the stairs, and stepped into Hellion’s apartment.

  He was not alone. He was awake however. His eyes — I counted eight of them — flicked to me when I went inside, but I got a sense of recognition from him. Like a warmth, because it was me. His grimeling buddy lay zonked out on his head, or the chest lid, snoring lightly. Also snoring? Nadya.

  She’d found a reasonably flat spot on the obstacle course, and had piled the various gym towels there to make an improvised bed. It didn’t look particularly comfortable, but given the alternatives in the apartment, it seemed the best thing she could have done. Unless, you know, she’d figured out some way to convince Hellion to make himself into a bed. I wondered if that was a possibility.

  I put the picture of myself in a closet, setting it down under a history book to keep it nice and flat.

  Then I stood there, like an idiot. I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I knew what I wanted to do — to have it out with Nadya. To talk and potentially yell. I wanted to know what was going on and why it was happening to and how to make it nice and neat on the other side.

  I walked over and gently shook her shoulder.

  She looked up blearily, then shook her head and moved away from me, nearly rolling off the platform. I had to grab her.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I just—“

  “No, uh,” she said, still waking up, “it’s fine. I, it’s fine.”

  “I figured, maybe, you wanted to talk. Since you’re here.”

  She nodded as she wiped her eyes and stifled a yawn.

  “I do,” she said.

  But then she didn’t say anything. While I was willing to give her a little room for having been asleep, I also wanted to do some sleeping myself. So I wasn’t really willing to just stay in the liminal silent state forever.

  “The grimeling came back,” I said, pointing over to the little creature.

  “I noticed,” she said, dropping her volume a little so as not to disturb the sleeping monster. “Is that the same one?”

  “Honestly, no idea. I want to think it is, but—“

  “Do you know why?”

  “It has something to do with this, uh, wizard guy. I’m, well, he’s going to be my mentor, and I’ll be his apprentice. He sent me a note, telling me to come and meet him. And the note was delivered by this little guy. No idea what happened to make that happen, but, uh, it happened.”

  She nodded, watching the sleeping grimeling and the mimic carefully.

  “I didn’t mean to, um, leave like that,” she said. “I just wasn’t prepared for what it was you had to say.”

  “That I came from a different world?” I replied.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s a strange thing to wrap your head around, huh?”

  “Yes,” she said. “But it’s more than that. I, I guess, um, you could say that I am, you know who I am.”

  “Royalty.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m not really royalty.”

  “You’re a Glaton.”

  She nodded again. “I am a member of the Glaton family, who rules the Glatonese Empire from a city called Glaton.”

  “Not the most creative in naming things.”

  “I suppose it could be said that my ancestors weren’t the most original of, uh, namers. But there’s more to it than that.”

  “Are we still talking about the names?”

  “No,” she said with a shake of her head. “The names aren’t, no. We aren’t. My, I’m, I know you know about my uncle. And you know him. He’s... I don’t think he’s going to be Emperor.”

  “I don’t either. I know he’s not even keen on the idea.”

  “That’s what my mother says. That Valamir is not interested in the throne, and wants nothing to do with it. He’s been talking about leaving the capital, and just living at his lands. Staying away from everything else.”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  “No. But I’m not trying to say that’s a bad thing. I’m saying that I think that is what he’s going to do. It’s just that puts the rest of the family in something of a difficult position.”

  “Why? I think I’m missing something.”

  “There’s, I mean, I don’t exactly know how to say this without sounding like a petty brat or something, but my family is a bit crap right now. My parents, don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they’re much more interested in being nobility in name, not actually doing any of the work. They don’t go to any of their lands. They don’t speak to any of their followers or those who’ve sworn to them. They like to have intellectual debates, dinner parties, dancing, books. They’d rather organize lectures than deal with farming subsidies or goblin raids. They don’t want to do the job of governance. And I think that’s a pretty accurate view of, well, everyone in the Glaton family right now. We’re all, uh, the sort of bad kind of nobility. Maybe not bad, but certainly not good. Absent, I guess. Everyone assumed someone else was going to be stepping up. Valamir, for one. No one thought Valamir was just going to, uh--“

  “Run off and actually govern his lands?”

  “Right. That. But if he does, then, um, who’s going to be Emperor?”

  “Maybe not a Glaton.”

  “Maybe, but that is not something my family is really, um, keen on. They like being in charge. If nothing else, it was our ancestor who founded the country, and it’s our name on, um, everything.”

  “I really don’t want this to come out as being an asshole, because I understand this is really important stuff, both to you and your family, but how does it relate to me? To us? To what I said?”

  “Because they want me to be, um, there’s been talk of, I guess, me being—“

  “Empress. Wow.”

  “Yes.”

  “That would be awesome!” I said, doing my utmost to put all my excitement into saying that. It would be pretty cool to be friends with the Emperor. I mean, actual friends and not just saying hi once before the emperor died. I wouldn’t really like that, you know, if Nadya became empress and then was killed. That’d be less than grand.

  “It’s not awesome,” she replied. “I don’t think I have a choice in the matter.”

  “You can say no.”

  “That’s not true. I can’t. I’m the last of, I mean, everyone else has said no. I can’t—“

  “Sure you can.”

  “Everyone else has said no. If I say no, then the Glaton family is just what? Sitting this round out? Just giving up on the throne? On the country?”

  “I’m just saying that you have a choice in the matter. Just like the others.”

  “Right, but I’m not the others. I can’t just, I can’t do what they did. I can’t turn my back on it.”

  “Then say yes. Embrace it.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.”

  “It is. I get that. All I can of
fer is that if you want to do it, I’ll support you in it.”

  “There’s something you don’t seem to be understanding.”

  “Which is?”

  “If I’m going to do this, even if I’m going to let it be known that I’m interested in the crown, everyone in Glaton will be looking at me.”

  “I mean, I get that. You’re beautiful.”

  She finally smiled. it was a tiny smile, but it was there. And she rolled her eyes before getting serious again.

  “It means that if there’s someone important in my life, someone who claims to be from a small town named Denmark, there needs to actually be a small town named Denmark.”

  “So I’m from Glaton.”

  “It doesn’t work like that, Clyde. People will be scrutinizing me. And my friends, my family, everything around me. I don’t know what that’s going to mean just for my friends, like Matthew or Shae, but you--“

  She went quiet.

  “I’m more than a friend,” I said.

  She nodded.

  “But you can’t be,” she said. “Not when I have the attention of the whole Empire. And, I mean, my family’s enemies. Not when you’re someone from another world. Not when they can find that out about you, and then,” she paused and looked up at me with her eyes big and getting a little watery, “use that against me.”

  I stood there like an idiot. Mainly because I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, and it took me a legit second or two to realize there was no should reaction to this. This was a conversation between two adults.

  “Well shit,” I said. I took a few steps from her, trying to give my brain a chance to warm up and get to thinking.

  “That’s all? Shit?”

  “That’s not all,” I snapped back, immediately regretting that, “I didn’t mean to sound trite. I’m confused. It’s been a rough few days, and I feel like I’m playing catch-up on, well, everything. I only just got my head around the whole elective monarchy thing today.”

  “And?”

  “And honestly, it doesn’t make any sense, despite what I just said. It’s so foreign to the what I grew up with. I don’t get why--“

  “So insane rulers don’t destroy the empire.”

  “I can see how that’d be bad, but this seems just as awful. I mean, why not just have a republic?”

  “What’s a republic?”

  “Like, where everyone gets a vote. Or is that a democracy? Look, I slept through most of my government classes. I don’t know what I’m talking about here. I was a low-rent thief in my old world, and I’ve managed to kick up a level to where I’m a mid-rent thief in this new world. But I’m not a classy dude. I’m not book smart, and really only street smart in the down-and-dirty shit that doesn’t play well with the government types who actually run the world.”

  “I think that’s one of the reasons I like you so much. You aren’t like anyone else I know. And that’s not just because you’re from another world.”

  “It might be.”

  “No, I’ve seen the Iron Silents. I know who they are, what they do. It’s because you’re you. And that just sounds so dumb.”

  “It doesn’t sound dumb, just--“

  “What?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t either. I can’t say no to my family. To what they’re asking. It’s too big.”

  “I mean, it’s a seriously big ask. Hey, why don’t you give up your life and become the Empress?”

  “I don’t think it would be all bad. There are a few perks that come with the job.”

  “Private army.”

  “I was thinking a full staff.”

  “Don’t you have that already?”

  “I share a staff with my family.”

  “Ah, so this would be all yours.”

  She shrugged, and gave me that half smile to let me know she was messing with me.

  “I don’t want it,” she said. “But thinking about who else might come to power scares me. There really isn’t anyone I know of who’d be very good. Not that I think I would, but I don’t think—“

  “I think you’d be great at it.”

  “You think I’m great at everything.”

  “And I’ve been mostly right. You’re not very good at pit restoration.”

  “I’m excellent at that!”

  “Middling at best.”

  She slapped me playfully. Hellion moved towards us, and the poor grimeling rolled off behind the chest and made a small oomp when he hit the ground.

  I looked over at the mimic. “We’re fine,” I said.

  “What?” Nadya asked. “What happened?”

  “I think Hellion was going to try and protect me. From you.”

  “What?”

  “I’ve been spending a fair amount of time with the guy. Also feeding him.”

  Her hand went to her mouth. “I completely forgot to, uh--“

  “To do any of that?”

  She nodded. “I’d be a terrible—“

  “Your treatment of a monster pet is not an indicator of the job you’d do as an Empress.”

  “Stop being nice to me.”

  “That seems dumb.”

  “It’s not dumb. I came here to talk to you about serious things, and how I’d also been a bit of an ass to you because I just sort of disappeared and didn’t talk to you for days after, I, uh—“

  “Smooched me?”

  “Smooch? Couldn’t you think of a better word than that?”

  “Sure, but smooching tends to make people smile.”

  “It might be the dumbest word for kissing.”

  “Snogging. That’s dumber.”

  “You might be right,” she said, smiling but looking down at her feet. The smile vanished after a moment, and she took a deep breath in before letting it out very slowly. “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Be an emperor,” I said.

  “But where does that put you?”

  “Here. For now. Once you’re emperor, is there anything that would keep us from, you know, being friends?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.”

  “You keep saying that. What is it you’d like to do, regardless of what you should or shouldn’t be doing?”

  “Snogging you.”

  I giggled — I couldn’t help it — and she grabbed my hand. Not to snog me, however. She just held my hand.

  “Then do it,” I said.

  “I can’t.”

  “I mean, what’s stopping you?”

  “Myself.”

  “Okay then, what else do you want to do? Study monsters?”

  “I... I... I--“

  “Don’t say you don’t know. You know. I think you’re probably pretty excited about the prospect of, and I know this sounds a bit dumb, but being emperor. I think you actually want to do it. And there’s nothing to stop you from studying monsters once that happens.”

  “I guess.”

  “I mean, you can just have your Thingmen all be monster handlers. Or why stop there? Have your Thingmen be monsters. Thingmonsters.”

  She laughed.

  “I couldn’t do that,” she said.

  “You’d be Emperor--“

  “Empress. That’s what my my great great great great and a then a few more greats, Elissa the Great, called herself. If it was good enough for her, then it’s good enough for me.”

  “See, there you go, admitting you want to be Emperor. Or Ess.”

  “I didn’t admit that.”

  “Didn’t say you didn’t. And it’s okay to want things. For anyone. It’s a little more feasible for you than, say, um, anyone else in the known world, but—“

  “But it makes things difficult with you. And with us.”

  I shook my head. “Things are going to be difficult regardless. This is a crazy world we live in, and we’re both part of a secret society that’s actually not that secret. Maybe we should be more secret. But we’re both unique people who are determined to forge their way thr
ough this crazy world, and leave it a better place that it would otherwise be. We’re taking care of people — and, in some cases, monsters — and that means trouble. Lots of trouble. Will you being in the government make it a little more complicated? Probably. But not, you know, out of the realm of possibility.”

  “I wouldn’t just be in government, I would be government. I would be the head of state.”

  “Then you’d be able to get me out of jail if I get in trouble.”

  “Pretty sure I could already do that.”

  “Okay, well, you could probably put me in jail if I got in trouble with you.”

  “Pretty sure I could already do that as well.”

  “Um, I wouldn’t have to sneak in and out of the Imperial Palace?”

  “That one I’ll give you. If I become Empress, I’ll make sure you’re welcome there.”

  “See? Sorting out complications already. If you want to, um, be with me, then, I think we can do that. If you need to focus on becoming Empress, well, I can understand you might need to do that as well. And—“

  “Just shut up already,” she said, and pulled me to her.

  She snogged me.

  More than once. We were snogging.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  I did get some sleep that night, just not very much. And it was rather unpleasant to wake up to the freshly-shorn mug of Matthew Gallifrey.

  “Why are you sleeping here?” he asked.

  My eyes barely opened up, and I looked around the room. It was way too bright for me to function correctly.

  “You know that mimic can just come over here and eat you at any point while you’re sleeping?” Matthew asked.

  “He won’t,” I said, sitting up. I finally confirmed that Nadya was nowhere in evidence. Which made sense. She had things to do. An empire to tame. Busy girl.

  “I’m glad you’re confident about that,” Matthew said. “But you want to explain why it’s so close to you?”

  “Love?” I replied “There’s definitely some measure of affection there — he tried to protect me from Nadya last night, and—“

  “You two finally talked?”

  “We did.”