War of the Posers

by Eric Ugland

  “Which wagon am I following?” the driver shouted at me. He was a younger man with the start of a beard and a small brimmed hat pulled low over his head so his hair and ears stuck out at odd angles.

  But it was a little odd he was asking about who we were following. It’s not like the roads were that crowded. Sure, there were a few wagons about, maybe four going in the same direction as us.

  “The one with the woman driving it who’s about to shoot at us,” I said, pointing.

  In fact, the woman had a crossbow leveled in our general direction, and she unleashed a bolt.

  The bolt went right between the driver and me, hitting deep into the wood until only the fletching was left out.

  “Who are you?” the man asked.

  “Be more mindful of who they are,” I said.

  The mystery woman was struggling to re-arm her crossbow while also keeping track of her own wagon team.

  We were gaining on them, partly because my driver knew what he was doing, but also because we were in a carriage and they were in a wagon. Their wagon was built for hauling heavy things, while we were built for hauling posh people. And, as we moved through the streets, there were fewer and fewer obstacles in our way.

  “When we get close,” I said, “I’m going to jump aboard.”

  My driver shook his head.

  “Don’t stay nearby,” I continued, “it might get dangerous.”

  “You’re mad,” he replied. “Soon as you jump, I’m done with this nonsense.”

  The woman had another bolt in her crossbow, but right as she was about to fire, Lillian threw her whole body around, knocking against the woman’s legs. The mystery woman stumbled in the wagon, and her bolt went shooting off into the sky.

  We were closing the distance. The mystery woman was smiling at me, like she was excited about the fight we were about to have.

  I jumped, flying through the air with the greatest of ease.

  Sure enough, my carriage buddy immediately halted his horses and made a hard right turn.

  I landed next to Lillian, who looked at me with exasperated eyes, her mouth bound. She tried to say something, but I couldn’t understand her.

  I struggled to my feet, and narrowly missed a sword thrust.

  “You!” the mystery woman yelled, straining to be heard above the racket of the horses on the cobblestones. “I heard about you!”

  “At least someone has,” I shouted back.

  “You may kill me, but we’ll kill all your friends!”

  She sliced at me, crosswise.

  I leaned back and away from her cut, but lost my balance a bit, so had to grab hold of the wagon edge to push myself back upright.

  “Then again,” she said, her smile making her look completely crazy, “maybe I’ll kill you and then kill your friends!”

  “Might want to duck!” I shouted, and then I ducked.

  “I’m not falling for—“ she got cut off when her head smacked into an overhanging streetlamp with an impressively deep thwong.

  As soon as the streetlamp passed over me, I was up. I took the magic dagger and jammed it deep into the woman’s back.

  I saw her eyes, and watched as she realized what had just happened.

  “No,” she said, “that wasn’t...”

  Blood was pouring out, and her face was going pale.

  “You couldn’t... Wouldn’t... we weren’t supposed to...” She couldn’t complete a sentence before she slipped away.

  GG! You’ve killed a Human (lvl 31 Nightblade).

  You’ve earned 5980 xp! What a mighty hero you are.

  I grabbed the reigns and pulled back, slowing the horses to a stop.

  “Lillian,” I said, “nice to run into you again.”

  She mumbled something in return, and then presented her tied hands to me.

  “Oh, right,” I said.

  I cut her free, and she rubbed the blood back into her wrists.

  “I was just trying to get to know some others from back home,” Lillian said, “and they decided I had to either join them or die over and over again, as well as maybe a few more nefarious things. Then these little lizard type guys sprung out of the floor and the ceiling and the closets and just started stabbing people. Alice grabbed me — I was already tied up, mind you — and she was going to make a break for it, said I was her ticket to Carchedon. Do you know where that is?”

  “Down the river and a bit west,” I said.

  “Where are we going?” she asked, watching me turn the horses, and therefore the wagon, around.

  “Finish things off,” I said, taking a peek at my tiny piece of paper.

  I smiled when I read it.

  Your turn.

  Chapter Seventy-Five

  I had certainly missed a fight. At least that was likely what had happened, because it was also possible the Iron Silents just kept their living quarters in a state of absolute garbage. It looked a little like a hoarder’s place. There were bodies stacked all around, some of whom I recognized and some I didn’t. Lots of loot, sacks of coins, stacks of weapons. I could see why the maid wasn’t exactly keen on sticking around. It was also rather cramped. There were four floors of housing and whatnot for the Iron Silents. Five rooms on the first floor, three bedrooms, one dining area, one meeting room. Then ten bedrooms spread out of over the next three floors.

  My target was in his bedroom, tied to a chair with a piece of leather shoved into his mouth. He squirmed against his bonds, but any time he got a little too energetic, Mornax slapped him. As soon as he saw me, however, Arthur, head of the Iron Silents, shook his head.

  “You can take the gag out,” I said.

  Mornax did, and Arthur spit a few times.

  “Bravo,” Arthur said. “Quite impressive operation you’ve got here.”

  “I thought so.”

  “You would have made an impressive member of our group.”

  “I’m just not into slavery the way you are.”

  “I am into gold and winning,” he said. “And living. Thriving. You and yours are about to get destroyed.”

  “By?”

  “You think this will slow us down?” he asked. “Half the Iron Silents are likely already getting equipped and ready to attack your pitiful excuse for a hideout. A hideout we know all about. We know where every one of your people lives. Which room they’re in. And we’re going to flay that girl you like to sleep with. I’m going to use her skin as my blanket.”

  “That’s a bit graphic.”

  “You have no idea what we are capable of.”

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong. I do have an idea, and that’s why I just don’t feel that bad about what we’ve done here tonight.”

  “I will say, the sneaky bit with the kobolds? Clever. They are a loyal sort, really throwing themselves up against us. I thought they were just cowards. Wrong on that, but we learn from our mistakes. Won’t be able to do that to us again.”

  “That’s fine. I don’t think we’ll need to.”

  “Might want to take care of that girl out there.”

  “Which one?”

  “The one who spilled everything about your humble abode.”

  “Lillian?”

  “Is that her name? I try not to learn their names. Easier if you don’t humanize them, you know.”

  “I wouldn’t know. I’m not really into abuse.”

  “It’s so much fun when they fight.”

  “You seem like you’re a man who needs some time to be alone and think.”

  “I have thought. I thought for years what this would be like. What having true power would be like. And now I do, and I use it. I won’t feel bad that I use it. I won’t feel bad that I’m doing what so many men dream of doing. I’m living my best life, and if there are some who are weaker than me, then they either submit to me or feel my wrath. This is a world of the strong surviving, of might makes right. I am the mightiest around here.” Arthur strained against his bonds, which kind of threw a wrench in his claims at
being the mightiest, but who was I to interrupt his ridiculous monologue? “I make the rules as I see fit. People want to pay gold out the ass for children? I give it to them. I take their gold and I build an army. You will be crushed beneath our heels, and we will look back at you like the pathetic stepping stones you were.”

  “You’re building an army?”

  “And leading one.”

  “Whose army is this?”

  “This isn’t a Bond film, dickbag. I’m not telling you my plans. I’m reminding you that you are nothing. And that you could have had a piece of this life with me, with us. You made your choice. Although, I suppose if you decided to let me go right now without making me go through the bother of respawning, I might let the two of you start running now, and see how far you get before I find you and crochet a scarf from your entrails.”

  “Again, gross. And besides, real badasses knit. Crocheting is for losers.”

  He rolled his eyes.

  “You can put the gag back in,” I said.

  Mornax shoved the chunk of leather surprisingly deep into Arthur’s throat.

  Arthur raged and shouted right before he started choking.

  “Don’t let him die,” I said. “Not yet.”

  Mornax sighed and pulled the gag out just a bit. I could see just a hint of confusion and fear dancing across Arthur’s face.

  I made a quick tour of the place, looking with real sadness at the profusion of dead kobolds I found. They’d certainly paid a heavy price for my plan. But each fresh corpse of an Iron Silent had been slain with a different Dagger of Perpetual Return. Boris, injured but alive, was resting on the staircase drinking out of a wineskin.

  “How many did you get?” I asked.

  “Ten,” he said. “One ran.”

  “I got her,” I said.

  He smiled.

  “Plus the one left is twelve,” I said.

  Boris held out one more dagger.

  “Last one,” he said. “You have done it.”

  “We did it,” I replied. “I’m sorry for how many of your friends you lost.”

  He looked around me.

  “Is worthy cause. No need for sorrow.”

  “Can you make it back home with the rest of your crew?”

  He nodded. “Leave now?”

  “Empty the place out first,” I said. “Better to have the Iron Silents just disappear.”

  He pushed off the stairs, and I pulled a healing potion, my last one, out of a pouch. “Take it,” I said.

  He gave me another smile, snagged the vial and popped the thing in his mouth, glass and all.

  “Tasty,” he replied, and darted off as his wounds closed.

  I had one last task.

  With no fanfare or talking, I walked back inside the room, and stabbed Arthur No Last Name Known, head of the Iron Silents, in the base of the skull. He died instantly, without seeing the weapon I held.

  GG! You’ve killed a Human (lvl 43 Nightblade).

  You’ve earned 7980 xp! What a mighty hero you are.

  Chapter Seventy-Six

  I watched Arthur respawn with The Fayden through his scrying mirror, back at my apartment. Arthur wore the basic garb that I’d worn, which made me surmise he had taken the same introductory gear as me. He was very confused in that first moment, looking around his respawn point.

  He walked the tiny square room, three feet by three feet by eight feet, putting his hands on the walls and pushing. He couldn’t see much, since there wasn’t much light. He hammered at the walls, then scratched at the walls. He pulled things out of his bag, and tried to hammer on the walls. But nothing left even the barest mark.

  So he shouted for a bit.

  And some more.

  Finally, when he leaned back against the wall, somewhat defeated, I nodded at the Fayden.

  He did a little gesturing, and muttered a few arcane words. Aglow appeared in front of Arthur.

  “Hey there buddy,” I said.

  “You,” Arthur hissed. “I will kill you for this. Like really kill you. Where am I?”

  “See, that’s a minor issue,” I replied, “I don’t know.”

  “You will tell me the truth,” he said, and even though we were separated by distance, something in the tremor and tone of his voice compelled honesty from me. He was using some ability or spell.

  “I really don’t know, bub. I told one of my little friends to find a spot for you and your friends, and not to tell me. Or anyone. So, only twelve kobolds know where you twelve assholes are. I don’t really care enough to find out.”

  “I will figure a way out of this,” Arthur said. “Of that you can be sure.”

  “You might,” I said, “but I’m guessing you’re pretty deep underground. Scream as much as you want — nothing can hear you. Oh, and I had a wizard friend of mine do a little bonus work on the walls, so, you know, try using your tools as much as you want. Unless you’ve got some serious enchantments, nothing’s going to happen. The Iron Silents lost. Sorry.”

  “I will—“

  “Might want to save your oxygen, probably isn’t that much left. And once it’s gone, you’re just going to suffocate and respawn.”

  “Clyde Hatchett—“

  “Goodbye, Arthur. I hope you have a miserable time dying over and over again in there.”

  I nodded, and the Fayden cut the scrying spell.

  Arthur was quiet a moment or two before screaming and raging.

  I glanced at the other members of the Iron Silents. They were all in various states of panic or rage. It was difficult to watch.

  “That’s it,” I said. “Thank you.”

  The Fayden nodded. He walked through the door to my apartment, and vanished back to his home.

  I was alone in the apartment for a few minutes before I headed downstairs to the bakery where most everyone was holed up, braced for an attack. I needed to explain things to everyone, explain that while the Iron Silents were out of our hair, that just meant the White Hands would be coming for us.

  Halfway down the stairs, something hit me from behind. Darkness rushed over my eyes, and I fell the rest of the way down.

  Chapter Seventy-Seven

  Lately, it wasn’t that unusual for me to wake up with a headache, or in a strange place, or even both.

  But I had never been woken up in Glaton by a bucket of water being thrown on my face.

  I sputtered to consciousness, wiping my wet hair out of my eyes, and squinting against the sun.

  “What is this?” I asked, trying to gain my wits.

  I sat up and saw the skyline of Glaton moving.

  “What—“

  Water was rushing by very near. I was sitting on wood that was moving.

  I stood up, stumbled a few steps, and grabbed onto the gunwale of the boat. A boat on a river, floating south, away from the city of Glaton. The foreboding forest of death on one side and a pastoral scene of farms and little houses on the other.

  “Why am I on a boat?” I asked.

  “Apparently you needed to take a journey,” a familiar voice said behind me.

  I looked over my shoulder to see four of my friends sitting and eating fruit.

  Mornax The Destroyer. Nox Kvist. Leofing Walrond. Lillian Darrington.

  “There’s a note in your pocket,” Leofing said, popping an orange slice into his mouth. “Might want to give it a read.”

  I fumbled with my pants, found the pocket, and pulled out the note.

  Clyde-

  I do care for you an awful lot, which is why I hate to say that if I am to be Empress, I can’t have you becoming a king. I spoke to The Fayden. He is quite amusing, and thinks almost as highly of you as I do. The two of us spoke with Matthew. And Matthew spoke to the other members of the Skull and Thrones. As a guild, we voted. You need to see this through, and you need to find a cure. Come back to me whole. Especially considering everything to come. I need you, Clyde Hatchett. I think you are my only hope to make it through this. Find Girgenerth in the city of
Raim or Gloomguard below. And return to me.

  My heart goes with you,

  Nadya Glaton

  Hopefully Empress of Glaton (and Snogger of Clyde Hatchett)

  I sighed, and finally accepted The Fayden’s Quest…

  Ready for Book 5?

  ME TOO!

  More Bad Guys next:

  Seas the Day

  If you’re also reading the Good Guys, the next book is:

  Eat, Slay, Love

  Coming out February 4, 2021!!

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  Author’s Note

  August 3, 2020

  Friends and readers:

  I really hope you are all well. I hope that you are healthy and happy wherever you might be. It certainly seems like a rather frantic and scary world out there right now, and I’m glad y’all are able to find a little refuge in the wee universe I created.

  It’s been a rough two months for me, and, not gonna lie, this book barely got out the door in time. But, in the scheme of things, I’ve got it great, so no worries for me. The only thing that happened is that I lost my childcare for a while, and it really messed with my workflow. But, all is restored, and hopefully I’ll actually hit one of my deadlines for the next book.

  There has also been a lot of world building done, and hopefully you’ve gotten here via reading this whole book so you know what’s coming next, at least a little bit. Travel into the depths of Vuldranni! New countries, lands, creatures. I’m incredibly excited to explore it with y’all.

  I’ve been working with some fantastic folk on getting a World Anvil up and running, a place y’all can go and check who’s who, and what creatures are what. Where they hunt and haunt. Also, hopefully, maps. Soon™. We do have some paperbacks being printed this month, but it’s still in the proof phase. But, that means hard copy books will be available in the very near future. And there has been talk of some merch. If there is merch you guys want, let me know (I’m leaning towards prinky plushies at the moment, but it’s still early…)