Goodbye Uncertainty

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “How did he drive her crazy?” Morgan seems intrigued. I sit back, watching Grayson and I exchange our wedding vows as Stacey continues to talk about Grayson’s and my rocky beginnings.

  “Well, your father was a very persistent man, if nothing else. He decided that day that he wanted your mom to be his girlfriend. He got Uncle Derek to help him find everything out about her. Your mom worked at a nursing home during the day, and he would magically show up there to ‘tour’ the facility for his grandmother. He sent her flowers every day.”

  “Mom’s not into flowers,” Morgan interjects.

  “Well, even if a girl doesn’t care for flowers, she still likes to get them at work!” Stacey gives Morgan her best “I know what I’m talking about, kid” face. “I always knew when he’d pay her a visit at either job, because she’d come home irritated and carry on about him and how he purposely baited her.”

  “What’s baited?”

  “Sorry, teased or riled up. He would just carry on and, what was it, Bec, a month or so?” She looks over at me.

  “Uh, yeah.” I nod.

  “What?” Morgan crisscrosses her legs.

  “Your father declared in so many ways that your mom was his girlfriend.”

  “How did he do that? What do you mean?”

  “Well, I helped him a bit.” Stacey and I both laugh. “I was dating Uncle Max, and your mom would go out to dinner with us or to a movie here and there. I knew, as much as she complained about your dad, she liked him a lot, and that’s what drove her crazier than any of the shenanigans he pulled. So, when I got her to go out with Uncle Max and me, I would call your Dad a few days ahead of time and tell him where we would be so he could book a flight to Boston immediately. He would then show up and grab her hand when she wasn’t looking, acting as if he was supposed to be there the entire time. It would make her furious. But she loved it, too. Just to prove a point to her, I had her go out with us again, but I didn’t call your Dad.” She points a finger in the air.

  “What happened?” Morgan looks at me.

  “I spent the whole night looking for him, mad that I was,” I say with a smirk. We all get distracted by Stacey toasting us on the TV.

  “Look how hot I was! Why did I think I was fat?” She points to the screen.

  “Women’s curse.” I smile.

  “So, when did you stop being mad at Daddy for liking you?” Morgan brings her attention back to our conversation.

  “I wasn’t mad at Daddy, really. I was mad at myself. I didn’t want to fall in love with him,” I say thoughtfully.

  “Why?”

  “I was scared. I thought he would break my heart.” Petrified, really.

  “Is that how you feel about Ray?”

  I take in a sharp breath. I wasn’t expecting a question like that.

  “Um ... no. I’ve been scared that I would lose Ray like I lost your father,” I say truthfully.

  “Mommy, Ray really loves you. I like when you let him love you. I like our family then. Everything seems perfect. It’s nice having a family with a mom and a dad.” She glances down, as if she’s feeling a bit ashamed. Stacey and I look at each other. She nods and gets up, turning the TV off. She knows I’ve been wanting to talk to Morgan about Grayson and Ray. It seems we both agree that now is a good time.

  “Morgan, I have a lot to tell you about when I was in the hospital,” I start.

  “Do you think Daddy would be upset with me for saying Ray is like my dad?” She’s still caught up in her previous thought.

  “No. That’s what I want to talk to you about.” I palm her face and thumb away her tears. “Morgan, the three months I was in a coma, I was with Daddy.” I smile.

  “You were?” Her face lights up. I nod and begin to tell her everything in the most G-rated way I can. I concentrate on how much fun they had together and how much he loves her. Kids are great. She’s probably, hands down, the easiest person to tell all of this to. Her eyes widen, fascinated by Grayson’s brief description of Heaven.

  “Are animals in the same Heaven as people?” she asks.

  “I didn’t ask him, Morgy, but I think they probably are, or in one adjacent to it. You know, sweetie, Daddy is always watching over us, and we don’t have to be sad for him. He’ll see me in about a year on Heaven time, and you in two. So he’s going to be busy spending time with his dad and everybody else he lost. He’ll take a class, maybe teach one, and then, of course, he’ll be watching us!” I pat her leg.

  “Won’t it be hard to see us and not be with us?” She never ceases to amaze me with the depth of her character. Just then, Stacey appears in my peripheral vision. I turn my head more in her direction and take the bag she passes to me.

  “Yes. He’s very sad about not being here, especially for all of the important things in your life. Morgan, he is so proud of you, and loves you so much. He loves that you still say good night to him out the window. He wanted me to give this to you.” I hand her the small gift bag that Stacey just handed me.

  “What is it?” She dives in.

  “Daddy’s special gift to you for Christmas. He asked me to really buy it for you.” I feel tears spring to my eyes, my throat tight. She opens it to find the platinum heart necklace that says Daddy’s Little Girl. Her chin quivers. “Turn it over.” I point. She does so, reads the inscription on the back, and starts crying.

  “Can you help me?” she asks, holding it open in front of her. I take the necklace from her and latch it at the back of her neck.

  “It’s perfect.” I smile.

  “This is the best Christmas gift ever!”

  “I agree with you!” I hug her. “I think this calls for a home video with all three of us in it.” I pat my knees and get up to find the last video we recorded.

  “Mom?”

  “Yeah, babe?”

  “Are you going to open Daddy’s gift?” She seems unsure if she should ask.

  “Yes, but later. By myself,” I offer.

  “Good. I think that’s real good, Mom.” She smiles as I sit beside her. The video starts with Morgan toddling around the yard. Grayson chases her in slow motion. She thinks this is hysterical and runs away laughing, then runs back, waiting for him to take another giant step. He does, and she dodges out of his path, giggling even louder.

  “I’mmmmm goinnnnnnng tooooo getttttt yoooooou, little sweeeeeeethearrrrrrt!” he announces. I chuckle and comment on how silly he looks.

  “Grayson!” I yelp as he picks her up and throws her into the air.

  “I’m not going to drop her, sweetheart!” he laughs at me.

  A huge wave of grief slams into me, and I let myself give in to it.

  “Mommy?” Morgan looks at me with concern.

  “It’s okay for me to cry, Morgy. I need to.” I kiss her head.

  “Say, ‘Hi, Mummy!’” Grayson makes her wave.

  “Hi, Mummeee!” She cheeses up her goofy grin.

  “Say, ‘We love you!’” He makes her blow a kiss.

  “Luv ou!” She blows more kisses.

  “Ah, Becca, honestly, darling, my heart could stand a few more of her.”

  “We’re trying.” I sigh.

  “I think we need to try a bit harder!” He waggles his eyebrows and bites his lip. “What do you fancy, Morgan ... a brotha or a sista?” He looks at her.

  “Sista!” she yells.

  “What? Oh, I see—you want me to be the only man in your life, aye?” he questions her. She nods purposefully. “Well, there we have it! Only girls for us, then—God help me!” Grayson laughs. “C’mere, love.”

  The picture goes askew as we jumble the camera around, then straightens out. I look through my tears at all three of us on the screen.

  “Hello, old Grayson and Becca! Aren’t you jealous of us? Look how young and beautiful we are!” he says, a big grin on his face.

  “Shut up!” I slap his chest.

  “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll still love that fantastic bum of yours when you’re eighty! Of
course, I’ll probably be half-blind by then, lucky for you!”

  I find myself laughing along with my younger self.

  “I remember you and Daddy always kissing.” Morgan smiles as she watches us lock lips on screen.

  “You do?” I look down at her.

  “Yes, ‘cause I always did that.” She points to the screen, where her younger self is trying to get between the two of us. I completely forgot she used to do that. I tell her how Gray and I were laughing about her trying to tickle our eye sockets. “That’s so weird!” she laughs.

  “It was funny.” I can’t help laughing, too.

  The video fades out. When it comes back, we’re in Disneyland. Morgan’s on Grayson’s shoulders.

  “Sweetheart, honestly, you have trouble walking forward, do you think it’s really safe for you to be walking backward?” Grayson baits me.

  “Shut up, you ass!” I giggle.

  “Na nice, Mama!” Morgan points her finger.

  “That’s okay, Morgy. Mummy will be extra nice to me tonight.” He smirks.

  “Gracie!” Hazel smacks him.

  “What?!” He acts all innocent. “By the way, darling, that T-shirt you have on has made me acquire a new appreciation for Tinker Bell.” He smirks again ... mischievously.

  “What does Daddy mean?” Morgan looks up at me.

  “I’ll explain when you’re much older.” I sigh and shake my head at the ceiling—well, at Grayson, really. I laugh, knowing he is. This is quite ironic. Morgan doesn’t question my laughter, as she is laughing, as well, at Grayson in the video.

  We’re on the teacups and he’s acting very dramatic, as if we’re going to spin off. You can clearly see we’re not moving that fast. I forgot how much fun we had—how silly we were together. When I think about him, I always think of him as serious, sexy, assertive, and aggressive. I think about him teasing me and us laughing casually. I forgot his goofy side. Maybe because it didn’t fully blossom until Morgan was a few months old and would laugh at him. Hazel used to tell me all the time that I was the only one he would act that way around. She also told me that she didn’t think Grayson really knew happiness until he met me. I’d tell her it was the same for me.

  “Mom, you know what I like most about watching these videos?” Morgan plays with the heart on her necklace, strumming it from side to side on the chain.

  “What’s that, baby?” I push her hair behind her ear.

  “I’ve always felt very close to Daddy. As I’ve gotten older, I wondered if it was just because I missed having a dad, and not because we were extra special. Well, these videos prove that we were extra special. Daddy and I were very, very close and it makes me feel happy.”

  “Oh, Morgy, God put the sun in the sky the day you were born. That’s just how he felt. His love for you was—is—amazing. You were his buddy.” I hug her to me. We sit back, watching the rest of the video and laughing at different parts. God ... I miss him like crazy. I’m so thankful for the time we had together. Still, the thought of not seeing him for the rest of my life—it breaks my heart all over again. Because I was with him only a week ago, I feel as if he’s just on a book tour and he’ll be back. I have to keep pushing that feeling out. I know where it leads, and honestly, I don’t think Ray could handle me turning back into “Lucy.”

  “I think this one is over, Mom.” She grabs the remote and hits the power button.

  “You don’t want to watch anymore?” I ask.

  “No. I want to save some for later. It’s almost lunchtime anyway.” She sits back and stares at the ceiling. “Mom?” She glances over.

  “Yeah?” I lean my head back and look up as well.

  “Can we talk about Ray?” I sense the hesitation in her voice.

  “Sure. I’m guessing you have some questions?” I turn more on my side. I pick my head up and glance down the hall, wondering where Stacey went.

  “Um, yeah. Is it okay that I ask?”

  “Please, Morgan. You can talk to me about anything.” I grab her hand.

  “Well, I’m confused about why you are the way you are with Ray. Annie and I both are. We know you love him. We just don’t understand why you act like you don’t sometimes.” She looks like she wants to continue, but doesn’t.

  “Oh. Well, that’s a very good question, Morgy. Um. When your dad died so suddenly, it broke my heart. Have you ever heard that saying, that a person died of a broken heart?” I ask.

  “Yes, but you didn’t die.”

  “No. But in a sense, I did. A part of my brain that holds my memories—”

  “The hippocampus,” she interjects quickly, as if she’s on a game show.

  “Wow, Morgan, that’s crazy! You learned that in school already?” I look at her amazed.

  “No. Jeopardy! with Nana and Pop Pop.” She smiles. I can’t help but laugh. I have to tell Ray about this later. He’ll get a kick out of it, for sure!

  “Anywho, my grief over your father was so strong that it made me feel guilty about liking Ray, and I couldn’t keep any memories of loving him. So when you saw me holding Ray’s hand and kissing him, within a day or two, that memory was gone. I no longer knew I loved him like that.” I’m trying my hardest to explain at a level she will understand.

  “That’s crazy, Mom! So, you didn’t remember at all? We thought you just kept breaking up with him. Annie and I got into so many fights about this!” She slaps her head.

  “No, I wasn’t breaking up with him. I didn’t even know we were a couple.” I laugh a little. “Why did you guys fight? Oh, you were each defending us, huh?” I half smile.

  “Yeah,” she sighs.

  “Sorry, Morgy.”

  “So, you remember now?” she asks.

  “Yes. That was the main reason your father came to be with me—to help me figure out my feelings for Ray. He concocted this whole storyline to show me the relationship I have with Ray. He gave me a second look at everything.”

  “Daddy wants you to be with Ray?” she asks, surprise in her voice.

  “Yes, honey. Daddy likes Ray a lot. He trusts him with us—to look after us and love us. Daddy wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want me to be alone.”

  “Well, what happens when you go to Heaven and Daddy and Ray are there? Who will be your husband?” Clearly, this is panic-worry material for her at the moment.

  “They both will be, and I guess we’ll just have to figure it out when we’re all there together.” Honestly, ten going on eleven, going on thirty! I take a long sip of my iced tea.

  “They’ll just have to take turns with you,” she says, and my iced tea comes flying out of my mouth and up my nose. I start choking and coughing, my sinuses on fire. Morgan runs to get paper towels.

  “I know you’re laughing at me, you bastard!” I shout when I’m able to speak, waving my “sight word” around the room to make sure he sees it. Great, I’ve now gone from “Lucy” to skitzo Becca who talks and yells at her dead husband.

  Dead husband? I can’t believe I just thought of him like that. Saying it in my head—so weird.

  “Here, Mom.” Morgan hands me the towels.

  “Thanks, babe.” I clean up.

  “So, are you definitely marrying Ray?” she asks as I blow my nose.

  “Well, he hasn’t officially asked me yet, but yes. How do you feel about that?” Nice, Becca. Nice of you to finally ask your daughter how she feels about the new family unit!

  “I’m happy about it, Mom! I love Ray. I wanted to call him ‘Dad,’ but when I did, it was weird. It didn’t feel right. I want to call him something.” I see the guilt blanket her face. She’s in a very peculiar place. I know why she wants to call him “Dad,” and I know why she doesn’t. Annie never knew her mom, so it’s much easier for her to call me “Mom.”

  “Why don’t you talk to Ray about how you feel, and maybe you two can come up with a different name to call him?” I offer as I wipe myself down. “I need to change.” I sigh.

  “Go ahead. I’m gonna call Ann
ie.” She grabs the phone.

  “Hey, wait a second, honey,” I say. She turns to me. “Um. I’m sorry, Morgan, everything’s been kind of crazy for me since I’ve been home. I haven’t really asked you how you feel about Ray and I having babies.” And the award for Mother of the Year goes to ... yeah ... not me!

  “I’m excited, Mom! I can’t wait to see what they look like! Um—just don’t forget that you have them!” Ugh—she is so her father’s daughter!

  “Smarty-pants!” I lightly slap her butt, then head off to my room to change. I grab my cell to see if Ray called or texted. Nothing.

  December 31, 2012 12:30 p.m.

  Me: Can you talk or text?

  Ray: Neither. I’m busy.

  Me: Okay, sorry. Love you. Can’t wait to talk.

  Ray: Sound contract so far. Good. Love you.

  Me: You got the contract! :)

  Ray: Wow, do they bleach your hair once you get to L.A.?

  Me: Huh?

  Ray: Exactly!

  Me: You’re impossible!

  Ray: Possibly, but you’ll manage.

  Me: Well, I’ll try ...

  Ray: You try all the time—my patience, that is.

  Me: Back at ya, babe! :| BTW, thought you were busy?

  Ray: Thought you were selling?

  Me: You ASSumed!

  Ray: Sight word, Becca!

  Me: Wow ... looks like we really need to have a talk. Call when the stick in your ass has been removed!

  He doesn’t reply. I throw my phone down and head out into the hall when I hear Stacey.

  “You went food shopping?” I grab bags from her.

  “Yeah, I wanted to give you and Morgan time to talk.” She continues down to the kitchen. I tell her all about my talk with Morgan. “Weren’t you wearing something different?” She stares at me blankly.

  “Yeah. Morgan came up with a great plan for when I’m in Heaven with Grayson and Ray. They can take turns with me!” I say, widening my eyes for emphasis. “Isn’t that a great idea?” Stacey cracks up, the irony not lost on her.