Goodbye Uncertainty

by Jacquelyn Ayres

  “Yeah.” He leans over and grasps my lips with his.

  “That’s because you’re sexy as hell, McNeil,” I say before I fully give in to his lips and his needs.

  My right arm rests leisurely over my closed eyes as we bask in our post-coital glow. I feel hypnotized by Ray’s fingers trailing up and down my belly, his lips planting kisses.

  “I still can’t believe we’re finally having a baby. Well two,” he adds.

  “Hmm ... I know.” I open my eyes and let my left hand play with his hair. He sits up and takes in the guest bedroom. It’s large, but pretty plain. I never did get to this room. The walls are white and textured. Linens are a light cocoa cream and grayish blue. Nothing but a mirror on the wall.

  “Bec, this room doesn’t say you at all.” He looks back to me.

  “No, I never got to it.”

  “Well, I’m guessing this will be our room from now on so you should probably get to it.” He pats my knee.

  “Well, for now, not forever.” I sit up with him and kiss his shoulder.

  “Baby, I can’t give you anything like this. Not yet, at least.” He looks straight ahead.

  “Ray, I love the house you bought for us. It’s special to me. We picked it out together.” Another kiss on the shoulder.

  “I bought that house for Annie and me,” he says, trying to hide his playful smile.

  “Uh-uh, you bought that house for me.” I turn his face toward me. “That’s why you had me decorate everything the way I wanted to.”

  “No. I just like your taste,” he states flatly.

  “I love your taste, McNeil,” I whisper in his ear before I bite at it.

  “Stop.” He shrugs away. He gets off the bed and starts to dress himself. I stand and throw my clothes on.

  “You know what? I’m dealing with enough shit here!” I say. Ray rushes toward me and grabs my arm when I start to push him away.

  “Baby ... baby, stop.” He stills me. “Stop,” he says again in that tone. I lean my head on his chest and let myself have a good cry. “Shh ... shh, baby ... okay, it’s okay.” He rubs my back and kisses my head.

  “Please, Ray. Please stop. I need you. Please stop flipping your switch.” I look up at him. He nods.

  “Sorry,” he whispers. “C’mon, finish getting dressed. I want a tour.” He palms my face and kisses me. I throw my top on and head into the bathroom to blow my nose and do the usual business. I walk back out.

  “I have one question, baby,” he says, his back turned to me.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Does my butt look big in these?” He looks over his shoulder. I can’t help but laugh.

  “No. It looks fucking hot!” I smack it hard.

  “Mmm,” he moans and grabs my hand. We head out and I give him the tour of my six-bedroom Mediterranean ranch, or Ranchion, as Stacey calls it.

  “What’s up these stairs?” he asks.

  “Grayson’s office.” I glance up. I haven’t gone in there yet.

  “Can I use it to work on the designs for your renovations?” Ray seems unsure about asking me.

  “You’re going to do the renovations?” I ask in disbelief and excitement.

  “Of course, baby.” He pulls me to him by my hips. “My job is to give you everything you want. Even if it’s not how I planned.” His index finger hooks under my chin to lift my face for a kiss. Humph ... I wanted him again, but he wouldn’t give me that. He pulls back and tries to figure me out.

  “I’m not ready to go up there.” I sigh and turn away.

  “Okay. Well, you don’t have to.” He grabs my hand as I bring him into the kitchen.

  “Ray!” Morgan jumps up and runs to him.

  “Hey, Morgy!” He hugs her and kisses her head.

  “I didn’t know you were coming!” She smiles up at him. It’s so weird to see this. I’m used to her being indifferent to him. I’m glad she loves him.

  “It was a surprise, sweetie! Have you been taking good care of Mommy?” He pushes her hair behind her ears.

  “Yes. I’m trying.” She looks over to me.

  “You’ve been doing a great job,” I say as I pull eggs out of the fridge. “You guys hungry?” I look over my shoulder as I pull out ham, sausage, bacon ... oh, and cheese!

  “Starved.” Ray pats his belly.

  “I’m good, Mom. Can I watch some more home videos?”

  “Sure. Babe, do you want breakfast or lunch?” I cut open the package of Jimmy Dean sausage and toss some into the pan to fry. I gasp when Ray’s arms come around my waist from behind.

  “Whatever you’re making, I’ll eat. You. Know. That. Baby,” he says between the kisses he plants on my neck. “Becs, call me old-fashioned, but I love watching you in the kitchen, especially when I know you are cooking for me. I love when you wash my clothes. I love when you iron them and put them away.” He rests his chin on my shoulder as he reveals things to me I was already very aware of.

  “Very brave of you to say that to a woman in the year 2013,” I tease.

  “I know, but I needed to tell you. Oh, and I especially love that you will come over before the guys show up to watch a game and make a platter of sandwiches and all kinds of dips. They’re all jealous,” he laughs.

  “Is that why you end up hosting more than anybody else?” I turn my head and kiss his cheek.

  “Yep!” He squeezes me.

  “Well, since we’re being honest,” I start as I throw the bacon in another pan. “I love that you handle all of the cosmetic and mechanical issues at the inn. I love that you keep up with the maintenance on my truck, and my Honda Pilot before that. I love that you come over when I’m expecting a delivery so I’m not lifting anything too heavy. Should I go on?” I nudge his head with my shoulder.

  “No. It’s clear we were both born in the wrong generation. I’m just glad we’re stuck here together, Mrs. Cleaver.” He kisses my neck again. “Call me when it’s ready.” He pats my bottom and heads out of the kitchen.

  RAY

  I decide to head down and watch these home videos with Morgan. With the exception of him visiting me in my dreams last night, I’ve never seen how Grayson was. What his personality was like. I’ve heard from others that I’m like the American version of him in a lot of ways. I’m not quite sure how to take that. I certainly don’t want to just be his “replacement,” especially for Becca.

  “What’s this one?” I sit beside her.

  “Um ... ” She looks down at the cover. “It says Becca pregnant.” The first scene shows Becca sleeping on a hammock.

  “There she is,” Grayson whispers as he tapes her. “The most beautiful woman on the planet.”

  Jesus ... she’s so young. She hasn’t changed much, though. She’s still the most beautiful woman on the planet.

  “Honestly, have you ever seen anything so lovely in your life?” he asks.

  No.

  “And there ... in there grows the most beautiful, intelligent baby.” He zooms in on Becca’s slightly rounded belly.

  “What are you doing?” Becca smiles and holds her hand over her eyes to look up at him.

  The video gets jumbled around. Then you see both of them on the hammock.

  “I’m recording you so I have proof that I’ve married the most hideous woman on the planet,” he says, straight-faced. Becca smiles warmly at him. “Honestly, it’s awful ... the torture I go through having to look at you. I mean, really, did you hit every branch coming down?” he asks her. “Jesus H. Christ! I really took one for the team, fellas!” He looks into the camera.

  “Grayson!” She bites her smile back and puts his hand on her belly. Her smile takes over her eyes. “That’s amazing, sweetheart!” He looks at her, awe on his face. “See,” he brings his attention back to the camera, “she’s so ugly, the baby is trying to kick its way out!”

  “Oh, would you shut it?!” She smacks him and lets out a delayed giggle.

  “Ah, Becca ... I’m the luckiest bloke in the world, sweetheart
.” He pecks at her lips.

  “And you’ll do well to remember that, Mr. James.” She taps his nose.

  “I remember every day, Mrs. James.” He leans down.

  I watch them kiss. It’s very difficult and weird to watch Becca respond to another man the way she responds to me.

  “Mrs. James! Honestly!” He pulls away, sounding appalled. “This is a G-rated family production! Please stop making these sorts of advances toward me.” Becca shakes her head like she’s trying to keep from laughing. “Stop it! Stop it right now! Seriously—knock it off!” He taps her hand lightly.

  “I will as soon as you tell me what I’m doing,” she says.

  God, she’s so cute!

  “Look at you, acting all doe-eyed and innocent while undressing me with your eyes! Ugh—there goes my belt! Honestly! You’re insatiable!”

  She giggles and reaches for his belt.

  “Mr. James ... what shall we do about that?” Giggling gone.

  Oh, damn ... seductive Becca.

  “Sorry, mates, I’ve got to take another one for the team!” he says as Becca trails kisses down his neck. She’s pulling his shirt free from his pants as he turns the camera off.

  “Awkward!” Morgan announces.

  “Yeah ... just a bit.” I agree. The video comes back on, and Grayson appears.

  “I’ve been awoken by the sound of an awful beast. I thought I should video for solid proof, given the history of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Let’s see if we can locate the beast this hideous noise is coming from.” He walks further into their bedroom. “There’s Becca, sleeping soundly. Apparently, the beast hasn’t woken her or our unborn child.” He zooms in on Becca’s face. “Wait for it ... wait for it,” he coaches the viewers. Within seconds, Becca makes the most ungodly snoring sound. Grayson starts giggling.

  I hate to admit it, but I’m joining him.

  “Beauty by day ... beast by night,” he states.

  His British accent somehow makes the comment funnier.

  She starts to do it again, and Grayson reaches toward her nose and pinches it. An even more hideous noise comes out of her mouth.

  “My God! It cannot be stopped!” he says with exaggerated panic in his voice.

  I’m rolling! I throw my mental white flag up. He and I would’ve definitely been great friends! I have a newfound respect for him. The video fades and comes back to a calm Becca in a hospital bed.

  “Today is the day, sweetheart!” Grayson announces. Becca flashes him an excited smile. A nurse comes in and starts up her IVs. “A little induction for the introduction of one sure-to-be very beautiful Morgan Alexa James. You are awfully quiet, Mum.” Grayson swats Becca’s arm from behind the camera.

  “It’s six in the morning, baby.” She yawns, then makes an “ow” face as the nurse twists the tubes and tapes them down.

  The video fades and comes back. Becca’s on a birthing ball, breathing through a contraction.

  “How are things coming along, sweetheart?” Grayson asks. Becca lifts her head off of the bed and looks over at him. “Ready for drugs yet?”

  “No, but maybe they could supply you with a tranquilizer.” She shoots him a look.

  “You think you could hurry this along, darling? I’m getting a bit bored watching you huff and puff.”

  I can’t believe he just said that to her! It makes Becca giggle, though.

  “Would you like me to juggle while I do this?” she asks.

  “I’d say you’re already doing that, sweetheart! You’re juggling labor and putting up with the likes of me. You’re amazing, Becca. I love you.” You can hear it in his voice.

  “I love putting up with the likes of you. I love you ... too,” she says, and begins breathing through another contraction.

  The video fades again, and when it comes back, Becca is pushing.

  “You’re doing an amazing job, sweetheart!” Grayson cheers her on. She looks up at him mid-push.

  “Grayson James, if you put that camera in my crotch, I will rip your balls off and eat them for lunch!” she screams at him. Grayson turns the camera on himself and makes an exaggerated look of panic. “Turn it off!” Becca screams as she begins to push again.

  I look over at Morgan. Her eyes are wide, her face a little pale.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “I think I hurt Mommy,” she says, tearing her eyes away from the screen.

  “It’s painful to give birth, but it’s worth it. You were worth it, Morgan. You’ll see Mommy happy in a moment.” I put my arm around her. “Your dad was a pretty funny guy.” I smile down at her. She nods and snuggles into me. My heart leaps. I haven’t been a good enough dad to her. From now on, I’m gonna give a hundred and fifty percent. I kiss her hair.

  “Look at her, sweetheart!” Grayson says softly, his finger touching Morgan’s little cheek. “She’s perfect ... absolutely beautiful. Just like her Mum. Aw, Becca, sweetheart ... you make my heart explode,” he says with a sigh.

  Know the feeling, dude! I agree in my head.

  “Does my mom do that to your heart?” Morgan asks.

  “Absolutely, every time I look at her,” I admit. “See how happy she is now?” I point.

  “Yeah. You wouldn’t know I caused her any pain,” she says.

  “You were a beautiful baby, Morgs. And your mom ... wow. Look at her. Never a moment she’s not beautiful.” I sigh in awe at the fresh-faced beauty on the TV.

  I turn my head, sensing her presence. She’s leaning on the doorframe. Her face is red and wet with tears.

  “Morgy, let’s turn this off for right now.” I lift my arm from her shoulders to reach the remote. The TV goes black. I get up quickly to join Becca. “Baby?” I palm her face. Her green eyes stare up at me. I don’t like to see her cry, but I’m always in awe of the color of her eyes when she does. Normally emerald, they are an amazing blue-green now. I want to kiss her, but hesitate. This is all very strange. Here we are, standing in the house she shared with her husband—a man she loved very much. Seeing them together in videos must make her miss him even more. I don’t think she’ll really want me to kiss her.

  “I’m sorry, Becs.” I lay my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry for all of the pain you have gone through, losing Grayson the way you did,” I say softly. “The baby,” I whisper. “I can see from the video how much you two really loved each other. I just hope that one day I can make you as happy as he made you.” This provokes a strange look from her.

  “Ray ... you do make me happy.” Her face softens.

  “No, baby. Ever since you’ve come out of the coma, I’ve been all over the place emotionally. Christ, I think you’re right. I may need a tampon,” I say. Becca starts laughing. Her hands cup my face and she leans up for a kiss.

  “C’mon, Rachel, your breakfast is ready.” She taps the side of my face.

  “No, you didn’t just call me Rachel!” I act hurt. “Here I am, pouring my heart out to you and all you do is—” I stop to wave at my eyes, “—poke fun at me.”

  “Knock it off!” She smacks my shoulder and starts down the hall, but I grab her hand and pull her back to me. I study her face. She looks at me thoughtfully, waiting patiently to see what I’m playing at. I wipe the last bit of tears away from the corners of her eyes.

  “Ray?” She places her hands on top of mine.

  “What, baby?” I lean forward and kiss her again.

  “I did get emotional over the video, but what really got to me was watching you and Morgan. Um, that was the first time I’ve ever see you have a father-daughter moment with her ... alone. It was ...” She trails off.

  “Shh.” I place my finger over her lips. “I promise more of that from now on.” I collect her lips again.

  “C’mon, your food is getting cold.” She gives me another quick peck.

  I slowly climb the stairs to Grayson’s office, wondering what I’ll find up there. Becca hasn’t stepped foot in it since he died. His words in my dream echo in my mind.<
br />
  “Ray ... use my office, mate! Don’t be such a stubborn arse! The money’s there, man. Turn this renovation into your baby! If you just get over the bullshit you’re hung up on, the inspiration will hit you. I’m telling you, man! This is the project that will “make you”! It’s going to make the Digest, and you will become one of the top names in architectural design! Get your head out of your arse, man! You want to take care of our girl? This is how you are going to do it!”

  Persistent pain in the ass wouldn’t leave me alone all night!

  I open the door.

  Ah, yes! A sophisticated man cave ... love it! Built-in bookshelves in dark Peruvian walnut take up the entire right wall from floor to ceiling, and the beams across the ceiling and window frames match the wood’s color. The walls are a calming grayish-blue. I look at the books—the many, many books. Almost every room in this house has built-ins filled to the brim. There are even stacks on the floor. Derek said Grayson’s thirst for knowledge was insatiable.

  There are several framed pictures on various shelves showing Becca and Grayson, just Becca, all three of them, Gray with Hazel, and one with him and both of his parents, I’m assuming. There is a framed Manchester United poster with a signature on it. The room gets great light from the huge picture windows on the walls across from the entrance and to the left. I head over to his large desk and place my bag on it. His chair is plush leather.

  “Oh ... sweet!” I sit. I rev up his computer and drum my fingers on his desk. To look or not to look? I wonder as I stare at the drawers. Oh, what the heck? I open the bottom-right drawer and find a box, sort of like a shoebox. I pull it out and open it. Notes. Notes from Becca. I pick up the first one and read it.

  06/08/01

  Baby,

  Church was exceptionally moving last night. As Nine Inch Nails would say ... you keep me closer to God!

  XXXXX

  Becca

  I grab another.

  06-10-01

  Becca Sweetheart,

  Please read over these chapters while I’m away. I’m sure you will not be shy with your thoughts!

  Love your prayers,

  Gracie

  06/12/01

  Gracie,

  Sure you’re checking in on my opinion 1st to determine which way service will go tonight! The chapters were spot-on, but I still don’t like your heroine’s name! Please change it!