by Rona Halsall
A jolt of realisation ran through him and he cursed himself for not understanding earlier. Mel. The bed-wetting is all about Mel. Callum had been fine at the farm. It had started when they’d moved here and Mel had started staying over. He looked up to see Mel staring at him. He swallowed, hoping she couldn’t see what he was thinking. ‘Too much change for the lad, that’s all. It’ll settle down if we just give it time.’
‘But it’s so much work, Luke. A set of bedcovers to wash just about every day. I’m sure it’s not normal at his age.’
Luke took a deep breath to steady himself. ‘Well, I do all the bed-changing and put the stuff through the wash, so…’
Her eyes narrowed. ‘Are you saying I’m not pulling my weight?’
Luke tensed and shook his head, sensing the beginnings of an argument. She could get that way with a bit of wine if she was feeling tired. He rubbed her arm. ‘No, love, I’m just saying that I’m doing my best to make sure it doesn’t affect you.’
He smiled at her, stroked her face with the back of his fingers. She melted into him, and he breathed out his relief. Maybe she wasn’t such a complicated character. More like a cat, in fact; loved attention and fuss and got narky when she was ignored. He had to learn to work with her moods, accept that she was totally different from Anna and not compare his life with Mel to the one he’d shared with his first wife. If he could be the husband she wanted him to be then there wouldn’t be a problem. Mel was right about me giving up too soon. Marriage took time and effort, especially when there were kids involved. Everyone had to get used to putting other people first. Teething trouble, that’s all this is.
Luke started to notice that the house was very quiet when he came home at night. So different to how it used to be at the farm, where his kids would be running round with Ceri’s children, a little gang of them playing make-believe games, usually orchestrated by Tessa, who, even at ten, couldn’t resist dressing up. As soon as they saw him they used to clamber all over him, telling him about their day.
Now, though, Callum was usually out at his friend’s house, who lived round the corner, and Tessa seemed to live in her room.
‘You okay, sweetie?’ Luke said one evening, popping his head round her bedroom door. She glanced at him, startled, a frightened look in her eye, holding something behind her back. When she saw it was him, she pulled out her phone, fingers flying over the keys at a speed Luke had never mastered. He went and sat on the bed next to her, put his arm round her shoulders.
‘How’s school going?’
She turned off her phone and tucked it under her pillow. ‘Fine,’ she said, sounding the opposite, arms crossed over her chest, her body all stiff and tense.
‘So, what did you do today?’
‘Oh, just stuff. You know. The usual.’
‘But you like school?’ Luke’s voice was hopeful, encouraging. Tessa always used to be such a chatterbox and having to drag information out of her was unnerving him. Had something else happened?
‘Suppose so.’
‘Is it better than Porthmadog?’
She nodded slowly, chewing her lip. ‘Dad?’
‘Yes, sweetie.’
‘Can we go back to the farm?’ Her voice wavered. ‘Please, Dad.’
His heart contracted in his chest. That was the last thing he wanted to hear. ‘But you’d have to go back to the old school then and I know you were finding it hard learning in Welsh. Isn’t this school better?’
Tessa sighed and snuggled into him. ‘It’s not school that’s the problem. It’s this house, Dad. I liked it at the farm. With Ceri and the little ones and the horses. And Nana and Pops.’
‘What’s wrong with this house?’
‘It doesn’t feel like…’ She scrunched his sweater in her hand, pulling herself closer to him. ‘It doesn’t feel like home.’
Luke’s heart skipped a beat. ‘Why’s that, sweetie?’
Tessa let out a sigh so big it made her whole body shudder. ‘Mel won’t let us do anything. We can’t have telly on if she’s working because it annoys her. And she won’t let us have friends round. And we can’t have biscuits or snacks when we come in because it’s not healthy. And we have to give her our phones when we come in because she doesn’t like us looking at screens all the time.’
Luke frowned. ‘But you’ve got your phone there.’
‘No, this isn’t mine. This is Emma’s. Her old one. She just got a new one for her birthday.’ She looked up at Luke, eyes beseeching. ‘Mel doesn’t know I’ve got this. You can’t tell her, Dad. Promise?’
‘Promise,’ he said, smoothing her hair away from her face, a face that was so like her mother’s it made him want to weep at times, a constant reminder of everything that he’d lost.
‘She doesn’t like Callum, so he has to go out all the time.’
‘I’m sure that’s not right, sweetie. ’Course she likes Callum. It’s just he likes playing with his friends.’
‘He’s scared of her, Dad. She’s really snappy with him when you’re not here.’ A shudder ran through her body. ‘She freaks me out, Dad.’
Luke was silent for a long moment.
‘She’s never…’ He swallowed, hardly daring to ask. ‘She’s never hurt you, though, has she?’ He held his breath as his daughter chewed on her lip before answering.
‘No, Dad. She doesn’t hit us. I’m not scared of her hitting me. She just says nasty things. And gets all moody.’ Tessa sniffed. ‘And then I can’t do anything right.’
Luke sighed as his daughter snuggled against his shoulder, a hollow feeling in his stomach.
‘Oh sweetie, I know she can get a bit worked up, but you’ve got to cut her a bit of slack. She’s not used to looking after children, you see. It’s going to take a little while to adjust.’
Tessa started to cry. ‘I want to go back to the farm, Dad. Please can I go? You can stay here, but please let me go. I hate it here. Really hate it. It’s like… like I’m in prison.’
Luke’s chest tightened, tears of his own pricking at his eyes. He couldn’t split his family up, but his daughter was clearly miserable. There was no easy answer and as he listened to his daughter’s sobs, all his energy ebbed away, his body so heavy he could hardly keep himself upright.
I’ve done this. I’ve made my kids unhappy. He was a poor excuse for a father. A poor excuse for a husband and in that moment, he wondered how he could find the energy to go on.
Twenty-Six
Six weeks ago
The days crawled by, Luke slipping further and further into a depression that threatened to swallow him up completely, painfully aware that he had failed his children in a way that would make Anna turn in her grave. Mel had spun her web and now he was trapped. It would be easy to give in to it, easy to take tablets, go to sleep and not wake up, but the thought of the children always brought him back from the brink. He had to be there for them. Had to find a way to make everything right.
He hadn’t spoken to Mel about Tessa’s allegations because the moment was never right and with Mel, the one thing you had to do was pick the right moment. But he believed his daughter. Why would she lie? The truth was, he didn’t know what to do about it. About any of it.
He continued to sleep in the spare bedroom, something that Mel was increasingly unhappy with, but she was busy with her new contract and he had the excuse that he didn’t want to disturb her sleep. She couldn’t argue with that after the recent episode with Callum.
One night, when Luke walked into the master bedroom to get some clean clothes for the morning, he saw Mel stretched out on the bed, dressed in a black lacy basque, stockings and suspenders. Her head was propped on one arm. She gave him a seductive smile, batted her lashes.
‘Come on, Luke, let’s have a bit of fun.’ She gazed at him. ‘I miss you, sweetheart.’
Luke tensed. Sex? She wants sex? His priorities were about getting through each day without causing upsets and to be honest, sex was so far down his agenda he had forgotten about it
.
‘Come on, Luke. Sleep with me tonight. Come back in here. Let’s connect again.’ She pouted at him. ‘Like we used to.’
He sat on the bed, his back to her. ‘I’m sorry, Mel. My head is fit to burst. I don’t think… I’m not sure I can.’ He turned to her, stroked her shoulder. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to.’ He gave her an apologetic smile.
Mel sat back on her heels, grabbed his hand. ‘I’m so ready for you, darling. So ready.’ She gazed at him with big brown eyes. ‘Please, sweetheart. It’s been so long. Months.’ She sighed, a tinge of impatience sharpening her voice. ‘I’m forty in a few weeks. My biological clock is ticking and more than anything else in the world, I want to have a baby.’ She shuffled closer to him. ‘Our baby.’
He swallowed, the pressure of having to perform too scary to contemplate. Because what if he couldn’t and she was disappointed and then got angry?
She put a hand up to stroke his face and he flinched. An involuntary movement that started his heart racing.
Did she notice?
Her eyes narrowed.
‘What was that?’ She took her hand from his cheek, put it to her chest. ‘Do I repulse you now? Is that it? Is that why you won’t sleep with me?’ Two red spots appeared on her cheeks and a chill swept through him.
‘Mel, no. You don’t repulse me, don’t be daft. Look at you, you’re bloody gorgeous.’ He tried to take her hand, but she pulled it away. He grasped at an excuse. ‘It’s just… it’s my eye. It’s not been right since my accident and I… I see things, makes me flinch. That’s all. Nothing to do with you. Honestly, love.’
She frowned. ‘That bloody eye.’ She stroked his face, her hand roaming down his chest, undoing the buttons on his shirt, fingers reaching his skin. He tensed.
‘Come on, sweetheart. Just try for me, will you?’ Her eyes pleaded with him, her mouth curved into a smile of encouragement. ‘Tonight’s the night. Peak ovulation. You never know, just the once could be all we need.’
He took a deep breath and summoned all his courage. ‘Mel, I’m not sure that a baby is what we need right now.’
Her hand stopped caressing him, her mouth hung open. ‘What?’ The word whipped out of her mouth.
‘I just think we need to settle in as a family first. A baby… Well, a baby is such a commitment and…’
Her eyes narrowed, her fingers pulling at the hairs on his chest. He tried not to wince as she plucked at him, keenly aware that this conversation was balanced on a knife edge. ‘Are you telling me that you’re not committed?’ Her voice was harsh now, always a danger sign, and a tremor ran down his legs. ‘Is that what this is about? Is Luke planning on running home to Mummy?’
‘No, Mel. No.’ He tried to breathe normally, to make his voice calm. ‘I just think we need a little time to learn how to live together.’
‘Time? Time?’ she snapped. ‘I haven’t got bloody time, Luke.’ Her nails dug into his chest, her voice rising. ‘Haven’t you been listening? I’m nearly forty. Getting pregnant is going to get harder and harder for me.’
‘Sweetheart. You’re in such good shape and you eat well, I’m sure it won’t—’
‘What, so you’re a fertility expert now, are you?’ She slapped his face, a fast swipe that spun his head to the side. ‘How dare you! How dare you go back on your word!’
He clutched at his stinging cheek and tried to talk her down from the fury that was winding up inside her. It was like facing a cobra about to strike and his heart raced so fast he struggled to keep his voice even. ‘I’m not, Mel, I’m not going back. I just want to wait a few months. I’m not sure I could cope with a baby right now.’
‘You won’t have to cope,’ she snapped. ‘It’ll be me coping, won’t it?’
They stared at each other, his chest heaving, her face flushed. She nipped at his skin, her face getting angrier by the second.
Before he knew what he was doing, he sprang off the bed and dashed out of the room, aware that he had to get away while he had the chance. Once in the spare bedroom, he locked the door, heart pounding as he listened, expecting to hear her footsteps coming down the hallway. But all he could hear was silence, eerie in its unexpectedness. He breathed a sigh of relief, his body shaking as he got into bed.
He thought he’d had a lucky escape.
The following morning, he discovered he hadn’t.
He came downstairs to find that Mel had already left for an early meeting in Manchester. He turned to make himself a coffee and realised something was wrong. Something was missing. The dog.
Bernie had been Anna’s dog. He was middle-aged now and had pined for Anna after her death, always wandering around, not able to settle, as if he was looking for her. It drove Mel mad; the constant pitter-patter of his claws on the laminate floors. She hated the dog hairs, the muddy paw prints on the kitchen floor. At best she tolerated the animal but had no love for him. Normally, he would greet Luke in the morning, do a little happy dance round the kitchen and give him a couple of welcoming woofs. But today there was silence.
Luke opened the back door, wondering if Mel had let him out, and that’s when he saw him, lying on the ground, his body twitching, frothing at the mouth. He gasped in horror and dashed outside, gathering the dog in his arms, as he tried to find the vet’s number on his phone. But a moment later it was clear that there was no rush. The dog’s body stilled. He was dead. A sob caught in Luke’s throat, his heart struggling to beat, as though a part of him had died too, the part that still yearned for Anna. Gently, he laid the animal on the ground, his head on the dog’s chest, feeling the warmth of his body for the last time, his heart breaking as if it was Anna dying all over again.
A shout made him sit up and he turned to see Tessa standing at the kitchen door, staring at him, eyes wide, her hand over her mouth. ‘Bernie! Bernie!’ she screamed as she dashed across the lawn. Luke caught her and held her to his chest as she cried, her tears soaking through his shirt.
‘Quick, Dad, we need to get the vet.’ She pulled at him, wanting him to do something, anything to help save her last link to her mother.
Luke stroked her hair and held her tight. ‘I’m sorry, love, but he’s gone. He’s dead.’
‘She did it! She did it!’ Tessa shouted through her tears, thumping her fists on her father’s shoulder.
Luke shook his head. ‘I don’t think so. He was having some sort of seizure.’
But he wasn’t sure.
Is this Mel’s way of getting back at me for not wanting a baby?
It took him a while to calm the children and get them to school, then he dropped the dog’s body off at the vet’s on the way to work to see if they would do an autopsy. He wanted to know for sure what had happened. Later, at the end of a difficult day, a day when his grief for the dog and for Anna filled his whole being, making it almost impossible to function, he got a phone call. He was sitting in his car about to head home.
‘Sorry it’s so late,’ the vet said. ‘But we’ve had a busy day.’
‘No problem.’ Beads of sweat bloomed on Luke’s brow and he held his breath, hardly wanting to know the truth.
‘So, the autopsy results… looks like it was cannabis. Capsules in a plastic bag. A lot of them. It seems he ate someone’s stash.’ There was silence for a moment. ‘Does that sound possible?’
Luke sighed. ‘Well, he did get out yesterday,’ he lied. ‘And it took a little while to find him. You know what cocker spaniels are like; hoovers on legs. He’ll have a go at eating anything. But cannabis? Well, I’ve no idea where he would have found anything like that.’
‘Well, I have to admit that it’s not something we see a lot of.’
‘So… um, do I need to tell the police? Or will you do that?’ Luke tensed, waiting for the reply.
‘I’ll leave that up to you, shall I? And we’ll cremate Bernie, like you asked. His ashes will be ready for collection at the end of the week if that’s okay?’
‘Fine. Yes, that’s fine. And tha
nk you.’
Luke’s heart thundered in his chest. Now the vet knew that something dodgy was going on. That was all he needed. And how did Bernie get the bag in the first place? His stash was hidden in the garage and Bernie never went in there. It had to be Mel.
He knew he couldn’t let this go. This was too much now, the absolute final straw. Her level of meanness appalled him and he couldn’t imagine what she would do to hurt him next. Then his eyes widened. The children. Were they in danger now? Would she hurt them to hurt him? The thought seemed to press against his skull as he held his head in his hands, elbows resting on the steering wheel. He had to leave her, make her see that their relationship was never going to settle into a normal pattern. Not if she was going to be cruel and vindictive like this.
A knock on the window startled him and he looked up to see Neil, his boss, staring at him, concern in his eyes. Luke wiped a hand over his face and wound the window down.
‘Everything alright, Luke?’
He nodded and cleared his throat. ‘Yep, all okay. It’s um… the dog died.’
Neil’s frown deepened. ‘Oh, that’s a shame.’ He rocked on his heels, gazing at Luke for a moment. ‘Look, are you sure you’re okay, Luke? It’s just… you haven’t been yourself these last few months. There’s a few mistakes creeping into your work. And… don’t take this the wrong way, but you look like shite.’
Luke gave a rueful smile. ‘Don’t pull your punches, hey?’
Neil shrugged. ‘Look, I want you to know that my door’s always open. I know you’ve been through a rough time and settling into a new… a new house and um… relationship. Well, it’s all tricky stuff when you’ve got kids. You come and talk to me if there’s a problem, if you need to alter your hours or anything, won’t you?’
Luke looked down at his hands, the kindness in Neil’s words making his eyes sting. He bit his lip and blinked his eyes a few times before he looked up at his boss, swallowing the lump in his throat that made speech impossible.
