by Rona Halsall
‘If you need a bit of time off, just let me know and I’ll see what I can do.’ Neil’s steady gaze made Luke shuffle in his seat, uncomfortable, like his boss could see inside his head and read his secrets. Could he tell how miserable he was, how close to the edge? ‘Maybe a couple of weeks rest and you’ll be back firing on all cylinders.’
Luke nodded and cleared his throat. ‘You could be right, Neil. It has been a bit full-on recently. I’ll have a chat with Mel, see what her diary is looking like.’ It was what his boss wanted to hear but, given recent events, a holiday was the last thing Luke wanted. Then an idea grew in his mind, something he’d thought about and dismissed many times over recent months. Maybe Neil was right. A holiday might be just the thing.
Twenty-Seven
Seven days ago
Luke hadn’t challenged Mel about the dog. He’d told the children he’d died of natural causes – just one of those things. She hadn’t mentioned it either, but it sat between them, in the silences, like an uninvited guest at a party. Every day he psyched himself up to say something and every day he couldn’t face the inevitable fight. Maybe he’d asked for it by denying her a baby; that was a horrible thing to do, wasn’t it? But he was clearly a horrible person. He’d got everything so wrong. Bernie dying was her way of showing him what he was doing to her; killing her hopes and dreams.
He’d been aware from the start of their relationship that she wanted a baby, but now he would never be a father again. It was a necessary act of rebellion, one that would allow him to retain an element of control, while keeping Mel happy. Something that would put his mind at ease. And she’d never know.
He’d organised the vasectomy for an afternoon appointment and was surprised by how quick the procedure had been. He was still young, at thirty-four, to be doing something so final, but he knew in his heart that he didn’t need to bring another life into the world when he could hardly cope with his own. At least he could keep Mel happy in the bedroom department and take the pressure off without having to worry about her getting pregnant. It felt like a big weight off his shoulders while he worked out what he was going to do. It was time, he decided, for him to take control of the situation. It was time for him to protect his children, his family and sort out the mess he had created.
He’d moved back into their bedroom, which had delighted Mel, and for the last month or so, everything had been running pretty smoothly. At least he’d thought it had. Until he’d been reading with the kids at bedtime, a habit that had started when they were babies and he’d made sure to continue. It was their time, just the three of them. Mel had tried to discourage him in the past, but he’d stood his ground because it was something that Anna had started and he felt it kept the three of them bonded together, regardless of Mel’s behaviour. Tessa was turning the page of the book they were reading when he saw something that made his skin crawl.
‘What happened to your arm, sweetie?’ Tessa looked up from the book and hid her arm under the covers.
She shook her head, lips pressed together as if to stop any words coming out of her mouth.
He pulled the covers back. ‘Let me see.’ He picked up her arm to have a closer look and could see a cluster of bruises on her forearm. Round, like fingerprints. He caught his daughter’s eye, a question on his lips that he didn’t want to ask. ‘Was it Mel?’
Tessa chewed her lip. ‘She said I mustn’t tell you or she’d…’
Luke frowned, fire igniting in his belly. ‘She’d what?’
‘Break my phone.’ She looked at Luke with big, frightened eyes. ‘She found it under my pillow. I need my phone, Dad. You can’t say anything. You can’t.’ She was crying now, pleading with him, and Luke was appalled that this was what his family had been reduced to.
‘She broke my phone already.’ Callum picked at the duvet cover. Luke swung round to look at him.
‘Why did she do that?’
‘She said I wasn’t listening.’ He looked up at Luke. ‘But I was. I was listening. I can hear her and look at YouTube at the same time but she said I couldn’t and she told me I was a rude, stupid, pathetic excuse for a boy.’
Luke’s heart stuttered.
What else has gone on that the children have been sworn to secrecy about?
‘Then she grabbed my phone off me and threw it across the kitchen.’ He looked so defeated that Luke pulled him close. ‘It hit the wall and smashed into pieces. I tried to put it back together.’ His voice wavered. ‘But I couldn’t do it, Dad.’
Luke gathered his children to him. Callum under one arm, Tessa under the other, his heart breaking with the situation he’d put them in. His jaw clenched tight, breath pumping out of his nostrils as his anger flared. ‘Look, this is not okay. You tell me if anything happens. She’s not allowed to bully you like this. I’m going to sort this out, kids. Don’t you worry. I’ll get it all sorted.’
His stomach churned as he finished reading and tucked the children into bed before heading downstairs, knowing that he had to tackle her while he was feeling strong, before he could talk himself into backing down.
Make sure we’re in the lounge, where there aren’t so many things that can be used as weapons.
He caught his thought and his jaw hardened because he knew for certain now that his relationship was dead and nothing could bring it back. The kids had to come first and Mel was steadily destroying all of them.
‘Darling, have you finished?’ Mel looked up, a broad smile on her face. His spirits took a dive. Christ, this isn’t going to be easy. Where do I start? She got up and wrapped her arms around him, pressed her body to his. ‘I thought we could have an early night tonight.’ She ran a finger down his chest, stopping at the waistband of his jeans. ‘Have a bit of us time.’
He took a step back and the smile fell off her face, to be replaced with a frown.
‘What? What is it now?’
‘I’ve just seen the bruises on Tessa’s arms.’ His hands clenched and unclenched by his sides, the anger burning within him as fierce as anything he’d experienced in his life. Keep cool, he told himself, aware that he was on the edge of striking out. He took another step away from her.
Mel’s hands went to her hips. ‘She was being really cheeky and wouldn’t listen to me.’
‘But, Mel, you must have gripped her really hard to create bruises like that.’ His voice was low and ominous.
She stood tall and defiant, a finger jabbing at him as she spoke. ‘Your kids are spoilt rotten. They’re not easy to deal with when you’re not here.’
Luke took a breath, summoning all his courage.
‘I’m leaving, Mel.’
Saying the words out loud, he knew it was going to happen. Without warning, she launched herself at him, scratching at his face. He grabbed her arms to stop her attack, his hands circling her wrists, and she thrashed and squirmed, trying to get free. He grasped her harder, determined that she wouldn’t get away.
‘Mel, stop it! Stop it now. This isn’t going to solve anything.’
She glowered at him, lips pulled back from her teeth in an angry snarl. ‘You can’t leave me, you stupid man. You can’t. Don’t you remember? I know about your drugs. Didn’t Bernie’s death teach you anything? And you know I can take your kids from you, don’t you? I have photos, remember. When I get started, you won’t even have access, you stupid man.’
Luke tightened his grip around her wrists as he worried about what she might do when he let her go. He had to calm her down.
‘Listen, Mel, trying to fight me isn’t going to get us anywhere.’ He stared at her, and she glared back, still struggling to release herself from his grasp. He clenched his teeth as he fought to keep her under control. ‘Let’s talk about this. Properly talk.’
She glowered at him, but stopped trying to resist and after a moment, he let her go. She stood there, chest heaving up and down, and he took a few steps back, leant against the wall, eyes scanning the room for missiles. They stared at each other for a long moment befo
re Mel crumpled on to the sofa and closed her eyes.
‘Luke, I know I can fly off the handle sometimes, but…’ She sighed and opened her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘Luke, I love you so much. I want this to work.’ She wiped at her tears with her hands and gave a shuddering sigh. ‘You have no idea how much I want this to work. I just… I just want a baby.’
Luke sighed. He couldn’t tell her. Not now, not anytime.
‘Luke, I think—’
The lounge door opened and Callum stumbled in, still half asleep, a wet stain clearly visible on his pyjama bottoms. ‘Dad.’ He looked terrified as Mel glared at him. Then she picked up a mug from the coffee table and hurled it at him, striking him on the cheek. Callum screamed and fell to the floor, his hands over his face. Luke dashed across the room to his son, and gently prised his hands from his face so he could see the damage.
Mel stood up, shaking.
‘Look what that fucking son of yours has made me do now! This is why our relationship is cracking up. It’s him. And her. They don’t want me. They’ve never wanted me.’ Her hands gesticulated wildly as she spoke, her voice getting louder and louder. ‘You don’t know what they’re like when you’re not here. They wind me up on purpose.’
Luke glared at her.
‘They do!’
Luke picked Callum up and took him upstairs, got him into clean pyjamas and settled him in the spare bedroom. He had a big lump on his cheek, but Luke didn’t think any bones were broken. His eye was closed, though, and Luke knew that he’d have a black eye by the morning. He thought long and hard while he waited for Callum to fall asleep, then he went back down to the lounge, his face red with rage, his heart pounding.
‘Mel, you need to know something. I can never give you a baby. I’ve had a vasectomy.’
‘What?’ Her mouth fell open, horror in her eyes. ‘You’ve done what?’
‘I had a vasectomy. I don’t want any more children.’
The dismay on her face was a small reward for the damage she’d done. He went to the spare room and locked the door, while he considered his next move.
Twenty-Eight
The following day, after Mel had left for work, Luke drove to the farm, his thoughts scattering like leaves in the wind.
Callum’s eye was black now, the bruise a deep purple ring that covered not only his eye but the top of his cheek as well. The eyelid was firmly shut and Luke wondered how he was going to explain it to the school. They’d have to think of a story and he’d have to make sure Callum stuck to it. They could say it happened playing football, couldn’t they? The last thing he needed was social services getting involved.
It’s time to do something decisive, he thought, instead of just hoping that things are going to be different.
His mother watched them walk into the kitchen, her puzzled smile turning to a horrified frown when she saw Callum’s eye and the scratches on Luke’s face. She shooed Tessa and Callum into the living room, where Ceri was home-schooling her children, while Luke put the kettle on.
Luke’s heart sank when his mother came back into the room with his dad and Ted behind her.
A family meeting. But then, wasn’t this what he’d wanted? Some help to decide on how best to get himself out of the mess he found himself in. It was an impossible situation that had no easy solution, but hopefully, with everyone involved, they could come up with something that might work.
‘It was Mel who did that to Cal, wasn’t it?’ His mum’s eyes were wild, an expression of hatred on her face that Luke had never seen before.
He hung his head.
‘How can she possibly hurt you, Luke?’ The sneer in Ted’s voice made Luke look up. ‘You’re way bigger and stronger than she is. For Christ’s sake! You’ve got to stop being a wimp and start fighting back.’
Ted’s words held barbs that pricked and pulled at what little was left of Luke’s courage, taking all the strength from his legs. He pulled out a chair and slumped onto the seat.
‘You have no idea,’ he mumbled into his chest. ‘No idea what it’s like. I just seem to wind her up.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Most of the time everything is fine, absolutely fine, and then I say something and she flares up. It’s like a lightning strike.’ He shook his head.
‘Luke, I can’t stand by and see this happening.’ His mother’s voice was stern. ‘You’ve got to report her to the police.’
He looked up and caught her eye. ‘I can’t, Mum. She’d tell them some story, make out it was my fault. And she’s threatened to take the kids off me. Because she’d tell them…’ Just voicing his concerns sent his mind into a tailspin and he rubbed his hands over his face as if to scrub the thoughts away.
‘Tell them what?’
This was it. He bit his lip, wondering how he could tell them. Looked around at the three pairs of eyes that were fixed on him, waiting. He took a breath and blurted it out. ‘She knows about the… the cannabis business.’ The betrayal of his family’s trust wrapped around his chest, pulling tight until he could hardly breathe.
Ted’s eyes widened. His mum leant on the back of a chair to keep herself steady. His dad rubbed his hands over the top of his head. Luke longed to be a child again. Life was simple then. No decisions to make, the only conflict being little squabbles with the other kids in the house. Nothing like this; the horror of being torn apart by conflicting priorities. Sweat dampened his shirt, making it stick to his back.
‘No, Luke, you didn’t,’ his mum gasped. ‘Why on earth did you have to tell her?’ She stared at him, mouth open, and his gaze slid away. ‘Goddammit! Luke, you stupid, stupid…’ She grunted her annoyance at the ceiling before glaring at him. ‘I thought you’d promised we’d keep this in the family? That you were happy to keep her and the kids out of it?’
‘I didn’t tell her, Mum. I didn’t. She found my stash.’
Ted stood up, his face reddening with rage, finger pointing at Luke. ‘How could you be so careless? This is an important source of income for us. Not to mention vital for Ma’s health.’ His voice was getting louder as he forced his words through clenched teeth. ‘And you’ve just… you’ve messed everything up. We’ve worked on this for years. Years. And you’ve just ruined it!’
Luke shrivelled inside, his body hunching as Ted’s onslaught pounded him.
Ted leant over the table towards him, shouting. ‘You stupid bastard! You can’t be trusted with anything can you, you’re—’
‘Enough! That’s enough!’
Fay’s hands gripped the back of the chair, knuckles white, looking between the two men, her jaw set. There was no doubt she was fuming, but there was something else in her expression. Disappointment, Luke thought, and that cut him deeply. He was at the centre of a whirlpool, drowning and pulling everyone he loved down with him.
‘Right, let’s sort this out.’ His mum inched herself round to sit on the chair she’d been holding on to, and Luke could see the weariness etched on her face. ‘So, what happened this time?’
Luke looked down at his lap, started rubbing at a stain on his jeans. ‘She wants a baby. That’s what we were fighting about yesterday.’
‘What!’ Luke jumped, startled by his mother’s shout. She was staring at him open-mouthed. ‘You can’t bring a baby into that household. Look what she’s done to the children.’
‘She just gets a bit cross, that’s all. Wants them to have better manners, you know, that sort of thing.’ Luke wondered why he was defending Mel after everything she’d done, but every attack on her felt like an attack on him. It had been his decision to marry her, after all.
His mother looked scornful. ‘You’ve got to open your eyes, Luke. They’re kids. At that age, words are the harshest weapon. You tell a kid something negative often enough and it’s in their heads forever.’
Luke couldn’t look at her. ‘I know, Mum. I know. Anyway, I’ve er… I’ve had a vasectomy, so a baby isn’t going to happen. But I honestly don’t know what to do now.’
; ‘Just move back here.’ Fay’s arms were crossed over her chest, her face hard and stern. It was an order, not an option.
Ted looked at his aunt, incredulous. ‘What? Weren’t you listening? If he leaves her she’ll tell the police, and then we’re all in trouble.’
‘Not just that.’ Luke shook his head. ‘She said she’d get custody of the kids.’
His mother’s hands went to her cheeks, the thought so appalling it stole any words she was about to say.
‘How much does she know?’ His dad sounded tired. And old. The weight of responsibility squashed Luke a little more. His dad didn’t need this sort of worry, not at his age. He should be taking life a bit easier by now, not having to mop up after his son.
‘She found my stash, Dad. And she had me followed. She says she has photos of my drops all the way up the coast.’
Ted slammed a fist on the table, making them all jump.
‘You stupid bastard! You’re back five minutes and look at the trouble you’ve caused. If we didn’t have this side to the business, we wouldn’t be able to live here.’ His arms were flying all over the place, as he spat out the words. ‘The farm’s only covering its costs. It brings in a little, but with just me fit enough, if we’re all being honest here, it’s never going to make enough money for us to live on.’
Luke looked down at his hands, picked at a hangnail. He didn’t need telling. That’s why he’d made such an effort to make things work with Mel.
‘You weren’t to know, son,’ his dad said. ‘Love’s a funny thing, makes everyone a little blind.’
‘I know you never liked her.’ Luke clasped his hands tighter, remembering the way his parents had looked at Mel the first few times she’d visited. He could tell they weren’t sure and yet he’d ignored any reservations he might have had.
Fay nodded. ‘No, she always struck me as a bit false. I could see her looking down her nose at us while she pretended to be pleased to see us. Look how quickly she stopped coming to visit.’
