Aryn's Desire: A BOLD Security Novel (Finding Submission Book 1)

by Derrick, Zoey

  “Good boy,” Teddy praises when he releases Will from his grip and he sends him on his way.

  No need to bring up the fact that watching that only makes me think of Aryn and what happened between us last night.

  “Your room?”

  I nod and lead Teddy down the hall toward my room.

  FORTY~FOUR

  “ARE YOU SURE that you being pissed off at Ashley has nothing to do with Aryn?” Teddy asks me and the question was expected.

  “No, it doesn’t. She’s right, I shouldn’t have put her into the position that she was in, but in the same aspect of that, I didn’t ask her to provide me with information on Aryn, she volunteered it. Until tonight when I asked her about her dinner with Aryn. Regardless of that, I didn’t deserve her attitude or disrespect.”

  “No, you certainly didn’t deserve that and for that I will allow you to punish her.”

  “You know I don’t relent on punishments, but under the circumstances, something is either bothering her or the position I put her in has put her into the mood she’s in. I don’t know that a physical punishment is necessary.”

  “I disagree with you there. She still needs to show some respect and whether it was you or another Top in the club, the result would be the same. She had no right to have an attitude with you. She had no right to disrespect you.”

  “I think she owes me an apology and an explanation. How about I decide what her punishment should be after I have that from her. Or a delayed punishment, allow her the chance to apologize but if it happens-”

  “No, either you punish her tomorrow night or not at all. You can’t hold it over her head. I’d punish her myself but I wasn’t in the room when it happened and it’s not my position to do so. I’m failing to understand why you’re so soft about this. Is Aryn really getting to you?”

  I look at Teddy. He’s been my friend for years and he knows more about me than maybe even Derek does. “He doesn’t think he’s submissive.”

  Teddy snorts. “Don’t they all think that?” I nod. “So he, what? He wants more?”

  I put my hands in my pockets and start to pace the room. “I think so, I don’t know.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want what I always want. A sub.”

  “But if there are feelings there, why’s wrong with it being more? You know as well as I do that it’s impossible to have one without the other. Unless you’re looking for someone to play with on occasion, someone like Ashley. But if you want more than that, then you have to expect feelings to get involved.”

  I shrug.

  “Does this have anything to do with-”

  “Don’t say her name,” I murmur as my chest tightens.

  “Well, does it?”

  I look at him, anger in my eyes. “No.”

  “And yet I don’t believe you. How long has it been? Ten years? Come on, Caden, you gotta let it go. You can’t hold on to her like this. It’s not healthy for you.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.”

  Teddy stands up. I’m a tall man, but Teddy makes me feel small. “No, it’s not easy for me to say it. She was my sister.”

  “And you don’t miss her?”

  “Every damn day, but I don’t let my missing her get in the way of my everyday life. I don’t let her get in the way of moving on with my life. She’s gone, it sucks, it hurts, but you’ve got to let it go. Do you honestly think she’s happy watching you give up on happiness because you’re still holding on to her?”

  “She was everything to me.”

  “I understand that, but ten years is a long time. Caden, she’s not going to be happy if you spend the rest of your life miserable because you’re still hanging on to her. You deserve better than that. She deserves better than that. It’s time to let her go.” He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. “I certainly won’t think anything less of you if you move on. You’re still my brother, you always have been and you always will be.”

  I nod.

  All my anger over Ashley subsides and my heart hurts. I rub at my chest. “I don’t know if I can.”

  Teddy smiles. “How do you know you can’t if you don’t try?”

  *~* ARYN *~*

  Ashley to Beck: I’m sorry about last night. I had no right going off on you and I am sorry that I walked out on our dinner.

  Beck to Ashley: What did I say?

  Ashley to Beck: you didn’t say anything. I was just in a foul mood.

  Beck to Ashley: Apology accepted. Gotta run, taking off. I’ll get in touch when I get back to LA.

  Ashley to Beck: How long will that be?

  Beck to Ashley: A week or so. Headed to London now.

  Ashley to Beck: Oh Wow! So jealous. Have fun.

  ** CADEN **

  “I don’t know what to do.” I wipe away a tear from my eye as I stare down at the ground. “I’ve tried to let you go, tried to move on, but I’ve never been able to and I don’t know if I can.”

  “God, I wish I could talk to you one more time. Kiss you, hug you, hold you, have you tell me that it’s all okay.”

  “He’s a great guy, Shell. I really want to get to know him better and I don’t know what to do to make it right again. I’ve pushed him away and he deserves so much better than that.”

  I kneel down and lay a red rose across the grass in front of the headstone that reads:

  Michelle Matthews, daughter, sister, wife, mother

  I run my hand over her name as another tear streaks down my cheek.

  “Teddy says that I won’t know if I don’t try but I don’t know if I can try.”

  Just as I say that, a robin lands on the top of Shelly’s grave. I take it as the sign I needed and it takes my breath away. The bird looks at me and it appears to be nodding her head before flying off, but the final clincher is when she meets up with another bird midflight and they fly out of sight.

  FORTY~FIVE

  *~* CADEN *~*

  Before walking into the club, I do everything I can to clear my head.

  I shouldn’t have gone to see Shelly today, but I couldn’t resist. I needed to talk to her and that is the only place I feel like I can connect with her.

  Ashley deserves my best, especially after I gave her my worst the other night and I need her to know that I’ve forgiven her. Teddy insists on the punishment and because of that, I am in a much better place. She does deserve to be punished for acting out, but I hope, before I can get to that point, that I get the answers I need from her first. Like what the deal is.

  I climb out of my car with my bag and follow another couple into the club. Teddy said that he’d have Will replace Ash at the podium and it’s Sunday so the club should be relatively quiet.

  I pass through the doors and everything from the outside world is wiped away. As predicted, the lobby is empty and Will is standing at the podium.

  “Good evening, Master Caden.”

  “Hello Will. Is she in your room?”

  “Yes, Sir. She was sent there by Teddy.”

  “Thank you.” He gives me a sad smile. “Something to say?”

  His eyes dart up to mine. “No, Sir.”

  “It’s alright, Will. You can tell me.”

  “She’s petrified.”

  Good. “I’ll take care of her, I promise.”

  “She’s really sorry for what she did,” he murmurs.

  “I hope so.” I wink at him and he smiles at me as I duck between the curtains and into the club.

  There are only two couples on the apparatuses and another Top is setting up another station. I find Teddy sitting at the bar.

  “You look like shit.”

  “Thanks so much,” I grumble.

  “You alright?” Teddy asks.

  I nod briefly and set my bag down on the floor before grabbing a stool next to Teddy. “I went to see her today.”

  “That probably wasn’t a very good move,” he replies.

  “Believe me, it was.”

  He turns on his st
ool to look at me. “Why is that?”

  “Because I got the answer I needed.”

  He looks at me like I’ve grown twelve heads. “And what was the question?”

  “Whether or not I can let go,” I tell him and his eyes widen.

  “If you tell me she told you no I might just have to dig her up to have a talk.” The protective brother I’ve always known surfaces with a vengeance and I smile.

  “The opposite, actually.” He raises an eyebrow at me, egging me on. “A robin.”

  “And what did this robin do?”

  “Left me for another bird.”

  He snorts once, then again and then bursts into a roar of laughter. I can’t help but join in with him.

  Once we settle down I ask him, “Is she in your room?”

  “She is, scared as ever.”

  “Good. I’m going to go talk to her.”

  “What’s her punishment?”

  “Twelve, no warm-ups.”

  He nods. “Make it six or give her a warm-up.”

  I smile. “I might not make it any at all.”

  He chuckles and hands me the key to his room. I stand up and grab his shoulder in a reassuring gesture before grabbing my bag and heading down the hallway to his room.

  I take a deep breath before entering. The laughing session with Teddy put me in a much better mood than I’d expected to be in, reaffirming what I am about to do is the best for Ashley and not for my personal gratification.

  I unlock the door and step inside.

  She’s topless, wearing a pair of black boy shorts and kneeling in the corner with her head down. I smile.

  I walk over and put my bag down on the bed and she jumps a little. I walk over and place my hand against the top of her head, caressing it slightly.

  “Thank you, pet.”

  “You’re welcome, Sir,” she responds with a whisper.

  “Stand up,” I tell her in a commanding tone and she doesn’t hesitate but she keeps facing away from me with her head down. “Relax,” I tell her and she softens at my request. “Turn around, please.” She complies. I go into my bag and pull out one of my t-shirts that I’d thrown in there. I needed it in there so that we could talk, undistracted. Ashley truly is a beauty and I get distracted by her nakedness.

  I hand her the t-shirt. “Put it on, please.”

  Her head comes up and her red rimmed eyes stare back at me. I give her a reassuring smile. “We need to talk before I take you out there for your punishment.”

  She nods and unfolds the t-shirt before pulling it over her head. She drowns in it and I take comfort in that. “Sit,” I tell her and she climbs on the bed, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap. She lowers her head. “I’d like an explanation for your outburst at me yesterday.”

  She doesn’t answer and it only stands to irritate me further but I take a deep breath. “You’re already in trouble with me, Ash. I simply need to understand what caused the outburst, why you were so cross with him and then with me.”

  “I’m sorry, Sir.”

  “That’s not what I want to hear right now, though I appreciate the apology.”

  “I’m sorry, Sir, but I’m afraid that my mouth may only get me into more trouble if I talk, so I’d really prefer not to, Sir.”

  “I assure you, from now until we leave this room, your mouth will earn you no further punishment from me. I won’t even tell Teddy. I really just need to know what’s going on.”

  Her head comes up and her eyes meet mine. “I was pissed off, still am, at what you did to Aryn.”

  “What exactly did I do to Aryn?”

  “You rejected him, again.”

  Her words hit me hard, knocking the air from my lungs. I never thought about it that way, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what she’s referring to and I can understand why she would think that about what happened in his hotel room. “That isn’t what happened.”

  “But it did, Sir. You basically told him that all you were interested in was a D/s relationship and nothing more. By doing that, you rejected him. Failed to listen to him. You simply stated what it was that you wanted and that was it. No negotiation, no compromise, no nothing. You rejected him, again.”

  “Did he tell you all this?”

  “No, Sir.”

  “Then why do you think that’s what happened?”

  “Because he told me enough to make that decision. I snapped at Aryn because I was pissed off at you for what you’d done, but I was also angry at him too.”

  “Why is that?” I ask.

  “Because he, like you did to him, rejected you. Rejected any idea of what you wanted and continued to believe that his role in this lifestyle was as a Top. He is certainly capable of being a Top, though he’s got a lot to learn about it. His selfishness will get him nowhere.”

  “Perhaps he wasn’t the only one being selfish?”

  Her eyes widen at my pointed look in her direction. “What does that mean exactly?” Her snarky tone has returned as I expected it to, but I gave her carte blanche on this discussion so I let it slide.

  “Why does what happens between Aryn and I matter to you anyway?”

  “Are you serious?” she counters and I nod. “What difference does it make?” Her voice drops to a whisper, a hurt whisper.

  “It makes all the difference in the world, pet.” I tacked on ‘pet’ so she could remember her role here before she slides too far off the submissive scale.

  “I don’t think it’s relevant to this conversation,” she mumbles so low that I have a hard time hearing her.

  “On the contrary, I think it does. I think that your frustration and outburst were driven by something. Something I haven’t uncovered and I’d truly like to know where it’s coming from.”

  “I was here first,” she says with a rush.

  “Let’s try that again, shall we, pet?”

  She looks up at me, her expression chock-full of defiance and I’m eager to hear what is about to come out of her mouth. “I. Was. Here. First.”

  I take a step back at her tone.

  “I had you first, I saw him first, I-”

  My expression stops her cold. “Actually, I met him about a week before you did, not that it’s any of your business. And as far as you being here, with me first, the ground rules were clear before we started our exchange. I promised to help further your training beyond what Teddy could do. I promised to take care of you while doing so, and I also promised no strings. All of which you agreed to. Are you taking that agreement back?”

  “No,” she snaps.

  “Then what is the problem?”

  She turns red and lowers her head; embarrassment is evident as the redness spreads onto her chest. “You didn’t honestly think that after six months of playing together I wouldn’t develop feelings for you.”

  “No, hoped was a better word for it, but you pick now to bring it up and throw it back in my face. That’s hardly fair, Ashley.”

  “Because I knew that if I brought it up before either I’d get my heart broken when you rejected the idea or you’d stop playing with me and since you’re so hung up on Aryn, I figure that both of those things are about to come true anyway, so there is no point in denying them anymore. I am sorry that I grew feelings for you and I’m sorry that you can’t figure out what it is that you want. But I have to do what I have to do to protect myself. When I saw the sparks flying between you and Aryn, I knew where I stood and of course I started to question where I stand in your eyes. After what happened yesterday, I have that answer and it’s a painful pill to swallow.”

  “I had no idea,” I breathe.

  “That’s because you’re too dense. Too caught up in your self pity to see what’s happening in front of you. If you’d get your head out of your ass, you’d see what you have growing with Aryn is something that I can’t give you. That I don’t see when I look at you. Because you have that look, that deer in the headlights, head over heels look in your eyes whenever you
see him and when I realized you’d rejected him for a second time, I got angry. It was easy to push that anger at Aryn because he was throwing away an amazing thing and that he too is just as stubborn as you are. Then when I saw the same thing when I got here, I just lost it. As much as the idea of you with him and not with me hurts me, the thought of the two of you not being together kills my faith in love, in finding love, and finding my one and only. Despite the feelings I have for you, Caden, I know that while we could be good together, we’re not right for each other and I’m okay with that. But I’ll be dammed if I am going to let you push Aryn away like that.” She takes a deep breath. “And I’ll be damned if you let him slip through your fingers.”

  Her words slide over me like a dark black sludge. Once she’s silent, and the sludge feeling abates, everything becomes clear to me.

  The robin gave me the strength I needed to attempt letting Shelly go and moving on with my life and now Ashley gives me a two by four to the head about what I’d been missing all along.

  “Conversation is over.” My commanding voice is back. “Kneel, now,” I order and her face falls but she complies. I walk over to her and place my hand in her hair and she leans into my touch. “Thank you, pet. For your honesty, for seeing what I’ve failed to see and more importantly, for making me see what it is that I’ve been missing all along.”

  “You’re welcome, Sir.” Her voice is a little lighter and a little less defiant. I like this side of her. She’s never been big on the brat side of things, but this is definitely something that would be fun to explore with her. “Sir?”

  “Yes?”

  “Am I still going to be punished?”

  “Yes,” I tell her.

  “Yes, Sir,” she says quietly.

  “Stay here, I will be back.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I pull my bag off the bed and leave the room, closing the door behind me. I head toward the dungeon where I find Teddy and Will sitting on one of the couches near the entrance and I go sit next to them. “Punishment is off,” I tell Teddy who looks disappointed.