Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

  Josh finally began talking to me again after a few weeks of the silent treatment. Our friendship was, by no means, completely back to normal. He looked at me with what I perceived to be pity or sadness. It might have been in my head. What did I know about how he felt? Everything in my head was screwy. I knew Josh genuinely cared for me. Things were different now between us, though, there was no mistaking that.

  We were at our spot by the lake, the very spot we declared ours as kids because it was our favorite place to go together. He was sitting by the tree with one of his legs bent. One of his arms rested atop his knee and the other behind his head. He seemed beautifully broken. His eyes were watching what was happening at the lake. A mother was handing her toddler son pieces of bread and he was throwing them into the lake for the ducks. His little laughter made me smile as I heard it, but my joy was short lived when I saw the blank expression Josh had masked across his face as he watched them.

  His hazel eyes had lost their sparkle, and it killed me to see that it was missing.

  When he looked back at me, he almost seemed dazed momentarily. I couldn’t read the expression I saw there, and that frightened me. It was just one of many things that had changed between us. I couldn’t read him anymore. His eyes were glassy, and he shook his head apparently to erase his thoughts it seemed as he cleared his throat.

  “You and Dean have been hanging out a lot lately?” He stated it like a question, and it hung there in between us until it settled on my chest with heaviness. I hadn’t expected that to come out of his mouth.

  “Yeah, um...I guess we kind of have. He’s been a good friend,” I replied truthfully, even though I wished Josh had been the one I’d been spending time with. Just the thought of Dean in his place made me uncomfortable. Josh and I needed each other now more than ever; at least that is how I felt.

  He nodded, looked away, and ran his hand behind his neck like he always did when he was nervous or irritated, and then he turned back to me, his eyes suddenly unsure. “Is that all he is?” he asked in a soft tone with his head tilted to the side. His eyes studied mine, searching for something. They weren’t warm and sweet. No, they appeared cold and full of judgment. I hated that set of hazel eyes. I missed the set that were warm and sweet.

  I was confused. “All he is?”

  He narrowed his eyes and raised a brow. “A friend?”

  I shrugged “Oh...um, I think so,” I said gauging his reaction closely, which kind of confused me, because he grinned like this news made him happy and his cold eyes instantly became warm again. His dimple that I loved so much made an appearance and it tickled my stomach like the flutter of a butterfly’s wing. He shook his head and then stood up in front of me where I was sitting on the tree swing.

  He gazed down at me with a strange intensity, and a slight tingle traveled up my spine. Squatting down in front of me, he placed his hands on the tops of my thighs. I didn’t really know what was going on, or what he was thinking right then, but I was focused—one hundred percent focused on everything he wanted me to see and hear. Nothing mattered, but the breaths of air we were sharing and the look in his eyes.

  “I want you to be happy, Riley,” he said seriously. I believed he meant that, but he’d said it like he thought my happiness hedged on being without him.

  I wanted to scream at him, ‘No, no, no. My happiness lives in your eyes, Josh. My happiness is inside of you. With you.’ But I didn’t say those things.

  I nodded, because it was the only response my brain seemed capable of with him that close, the look in his eyes and his hands on me. We just silently stared at one another with a thousand unspoken thoughts being exchanged under the warm afternoon sun. I hoped mine told him the truth, since my mouth was betraying my heart.

  Within seconds the crushing blow came, and that was the moment my heart was ripped out of my chest and thrown into the lake where it drowned a slow death. The realization that Josh and I could never be anything more than best friends. A tear rolled down his cheek, and then another. With a choked strained voice he said, “I miss her so fucking much, Riley. It isn’t fair. She should be at home cooking her famous chili, making my dad a very full and happy man. She should be in the bathroom braiding Joey’s hair or painting her nails like they would do on Friday nights sometimes. She should be my cheerleader in the stands, or the nagging voice telling me to pick up my socks for the third time. But she isn’t any of those things. She’s gone.”

  His lost eyes with tears streaming down his cheeks were locked with mine. I had no words. I had nothing that I could say to take away his pain and God I wanted to take his pain away. Saying ‘sorry’ wasn’t enough. Saying ‘I hate my dad for doing this to you and your family’ wasn’t going to bring her back. So, I said nothing. Instead, I cradled his head in my lap and trailed my fingers though his hair and down his back as he cried with his face pressed into my stomach. He held me, and I held him, as he missed the woman who had given him life, the woman my dad had stolen away from him. I crumbled on the inside. Our future as more than friends died that day. I would always be there for him and he would always be there for me, but it would never be more than friends. It could never be more than that.

  ONCE UPON A TIME

  THERE WAS A GIRL WHO MET TWO BOYS

  ONE BOY MADE HER FEEL CHERISHED,

  BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG

  THE OTHER BOY MADE HER FEEL LOST,

  CONFUSED AND WEAK

  ONE HAD HER HEART

  PROMISED TO KEEP IT SAFE FOREVER

  THE OTHER WANTED IT

  NEEDED IT TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER

  SHE CHOSE WRONG

  BETRAYED HER HEART OUT OF SHAME

  HEART IN A BOX

  SAFE UNTIL ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS PAIN

  TIME AFTER TIME

  FATE LED HER TO WHERE SHE BELONGED

  SAFE IN THE ARMS

  OF THE BOY WHO MADE HER STRONG

  EMBRACING FIRSTS AND TAKING RISKS

  WITH LOVE AS THE BIND

  FOREVER ON THE HORIZON

  EXPERIENCING MOMENTS OF A LIFETIME

  CHAPTER 1

  Overcoming multiple fears in one day has my head feeling fuzzy. This day has gone from sad and depressing, to shocking, to beautiful and with my hand in his. My heart belongs to him. Joshua Parker, my boyfriend, my best friend and just EVERYTHING. Then like a light switch is flicked, the night takes yet another turn I didn’t expected.

  Imagining Josh having sex with Preslee is torture. Thinking that they shared something so intimate together and that a baby has been created is beyond brutal. But now I know the truth.

  Josh never lied to me. He was never with Preslee, and my tortured heart and brutally beaten spirit has a flicker of hope. After I have the worst day, thinking the worst of Josh and finding out the worst about Dean, I begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel—the light that Josh helped me run toward and not away from. I’m no longer lost and drifting. Josh found me. He knows what I need. He helps me release my doubt, my fear, and to embrace the future—the future that is meant for us.

  As we walk away from the Cheesecake Factory where Josh just spoon fed me the most deliciously rich peanut butter cheesecake, I find my mind wandering to the things he said to me earlier tonight as we sat at the cemetery where our parents rest. I’m still stunned at how so much has changed in mere hours.

  “Everyday for the rest of my life—if I’m lucky enough to keep you that long—I will not see that accident. I will see a beautiful girl who is lost in a sea of uncertainty and wants so badly to dive in but thinks she can’t, but you can and I will hold your hand when you do. I will see my best friend and the girl that I am desperately in love with. I will see you, Riley. Just you.”

  I can’t believe how much time I wasted—lost without him—time spent held in the wrong arms. I’m still shocked to my core that Dean has been deceitful for so long. I don’t know what I did to deserve Josh still being here—waiting as I get my shit together and realize it is in his arms that I belon
g. With everything that has happened this past year, in just a few short hours, Josh has made it seem like a distant memory.

  With stolen kisses at the table, longing glances in one another’s directions, and a simple touch like his hand in mine—I am completely and utterly lost to him.

  “Are you ready to do this?” Josh asks, squeezing my hand and looking up at the ticket booth at the movie theatre. Right, I owe him a scary movie. I inwardly cringe even though I smile. It is an almost sincere smile, but I know it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I really, really, really hate scary movies. But for him, will do anything. I will tackle every fear, but only with him because he makes me feel safe.

  “No, but I have you to hold me. So, I will be okay, right?” I answer with what I honestly feel.

  He smiles down at me and appears pleased with my answer. “I will always hold you, pretty girl. No movie required.” I think my heart just swelled in my chest with that statement. Always—yes, please!

  I turn to him and wrap my arms around his neck; standing on my tippy toes where I can meet his stare. A curious and happy grin lights up his face as he peers into my eyes. It’s been so long since I’ve seen contentment in his gaze, and it warms my heart to see it. “Did you mean everything you said earlier tonight?” I ask, placing a contented kiss on his lips.

  He wraps one arm around my waist and with the other he tucks a curl behind my ear. “I mean everything I tell you. Which part are you referring to?”

  My eyes study every speck of his. I love his eyes. The way the green and the whiskey color dance together—it’s such a beautiful dance. “The part about everyday for the rest of your life. Do you really see that for us? Together—for the rest of our lives?” I whisper and bite my lip nervously.

  It seems like such a crazy statement, given that, for the past two months, I’ve been ignoring him, and thinking the worst of his intentions. Now, I’m here—in his arms—HOME—and discussing forever. It’s the only thing on my mind that makes sense. We share our childhood memories together, had our own secret language, and have never told anyone about our stolen ice cream sandwiches that we took from his mom’s deep freezer in the garage. It was her secret stash and we always took them. She would blame the brats, otherwise known as our younger siblings—never once suspecting us. We’ve shared our teen years together, had our own secret feelings, and I’ve never been kissed the way he kisses me—brownies will never be the same. That night freshman year, when Josh and I chased each other around the kitchen with brownie mix, and then kissed for the first time, will forever be one of my favorite memories of us. Why wouldn’t we share the rest? Right? Right.

  He smiles sheepishly and nods his head. His eyes flick to my mouth and he licks his own causing my stomach to flutter. “I do. You have always been my best friend, Riley. I’ve imagined the day I could call you mine a thousand different ways. I can’t picture my life without you. So yeah, everyday—forever. I see it spent holding your hand, and kissing your lips—which I want to do so badly right now.”

  Our eyes study each other before we gently let our mouths touch—once—then twice, until we finally deepen it. The sound of a revving engine nearby filters out the sound in my chest of my rapid heartbeat. He tastes like peanut butter and sweetness, and just everything I’ve become addicted to.

  He pulls away smiling—seemingly sated. He runs both his hands through my hair, and then grabs my cheeks as he leans down to place a tender kiss on my forehead. I lay my head on his chest as we embrace—loving the sound of his heartbeat. “We’ll be old and gray sitting on rocking chairs with ice cold sweet teas, and little rug-rat grandkids causing havoc in our front yard. They will always be full of laughter,” he says pressing his lips to my hair. That makes me produce the goofiest of grins ever.

  I lift my head and stare at him just waiting for the rug to dissipate beneath us. This moment, while we are embracing feels too perfect. Something always happens—our happy always gets interrupted. I push the thought into the back of my mind and try to hold onto this feeling. “I’d have my Kindle or a journal to write in, and you would be playing your guitar with a bouncing toddler nearby making up songs just like I used to when we were kids.” His lips curl up at the side into the biggest grin—even his eyes are smiling at me.

  His knuckles brush my cheek, and I reach up to take his hand and bring it to my mouth where I kiss his palm and then we hug. We freaking hug—it’s the simplest of gestures, but it makes me feel warm—and like his arms are my home. He is home to me, and I’m so completely happy to be back home where I belong.

  “Well, isn’t that cute,” I hear a familiar voice say from behind me. I feel Josh tense instantly and when I turn around I find disgruntled chocolate eyes looking at me. That warm and fuzzy feeling dies a quick death being buried underneath years of wrong decisions. Dean takes off his helmet, places it on the handlebars and swaggers as he moves toward us, never breaking eye contact with me. His eyes appear to be bloodshot, which shoots up a red flag for me.

  I’m not sure what my face is portraying right now. A little shock, and a little irritation I would presume. “Hey, Dean,” I reluctantly say to the guy that is more like a stranger to me than an ex-boyfriend of two years, and a good friend since childhood.

  His eyes are speaking to me without words. For a second they soften, but with just a breath they become cold and foreign again. “Riley, I see you found your smile again.” He smirks, but it’s strained and seems to taunt me not congratulate me. “Good for you. Strange though, how it seems to slip right into place when only Josh is near you, huh?” he says full of sarcasm and bitterness. It slaps me right in the face with the truth.

  Josh reaches a hand around my stomach protectively. I interlace my fingers within his and let myself relax against his front. I feel I need to or I might lose my balance. “She’s been through shit today, man. You already know that. We don’t want trouble, so back off,” Josh snarls from behind me, squeezing my hand tightly with his fingertips.

  I can feel the tension radiating from both of them. It’s uncomfortable. The air suddenly feels thick with threats of something to come—something bad. Dean’s eyes are staring at Josh’s hand on my stomach. He seems to grow angrier at seeing it there. Then he smiles wickedly, and his eyes dart to Josh’s, as though Josh’s words have now become a challenge he’s accepted and wishes to trump him one. “Funny how you tell me to back off, dude. Dont’cha think trying to get in my girlfriends pants for the past two years is asking for a shitload of trouble?” he snaps.

  I gasp, shocked at his audacity to say that. Josh has never tried to get in my pants, whereas Dean has tried and epically failed many times.

  “Ex-girlfriend,” Josh clarifies.

  Dean stares blankly at Josh, no expression on his face, and a chill jolt s up my spine. He turns his eyes away from Josh and meets my glare. “I tried to call you. I was worried about you after what happened earlier tonight,” he says in a soft tender voice. It’s bewildering. He didn’t act worried when Josh exposed all of Dean’s secrets to me. He was cold.

  I can feel Josh’s gaze on me. I don’t return it. I didn’t tell him Dean was calling my phone. I just turned it off and ignored him. I don’t want any more trouble, and yet I have been strangled with it anyway. Trouble followed me here. “I know,” I whisper.

  “Then why didn’t you answer? I needed to talk to you. We’re friends remember? Friends should be able to talk to one another when they need them,” he mutters.

  What? “I didn’t answer because I was on a date, and that is rude. I didn’t answer because I don’t know if we are friends, and I don’t think there is anything left to say,” I reply truthfully. We are not friends anymore. I don’t know if we ever were anything real.

  He steps into my space, and Josh squeezes me closer to him. I feel a mental tug of war going on and I don’t like it.

  “Of course, we’re friends. Don’t say stuff like that. We can be more than friends again, Riley. Just let me explain everything. I di
dn’t earlier because you were so angry, and I knew you weren’t in any frame of mind to hear it, but I miss you, baby. I miss you so goddamn bad some nights. You’re all I think about.” What the hell?

  His breath? Holy shit. Now that he is close enough to me, I can smell his breath. It reeks of beer. He’s drunk. SHIT!

  I’m shaking my head back and forth. I’m speechless. I’m here...with Josh—where I belong. And he wants to say he misses me and thinks about me? Did he miss me and think about me when his dick was inside Preslee? NO!

  “You’re delusional, Dean. We are not getting back together—ever.”

  “C’mon baby? Don’t be like that,” he says slurring his speech and stepping even closer.

  I feel Josh ball his fist beside my waist, and if Dean’s eyes hadn’t gleamed so sinfully with satisfaction at Josh’s reaction, I wouldn’t have intervened. I would have stepped aside and let Josh pummel the shit out of him. I don’t do that though. I don’t want Dean to win. I know he’s trying to get a rise out of Josh, or maybe in his drunken mindset he thinks I’ll agree with him. I don’t know, but before Josh can react I turn around, grab his face and whisper my plea. “Don’t. He isn’t worth it. Please, let’s just go.”

  Dean laughs and then opens his evil mouth. “Oh, please, Josh. Please don’t. You fucking pussy.”

  Josh growls and meets my eyes. I can see his inner turmoil. He is holding back and his restraint is barely existent. His body begins to vibrate as his temper unquestionably flares. I need to get him out of here. Now. Screw the movie. “Riley, I can’t let him talk to us like that. I mean...fuck—he just called me a pussy.”

  I shake my head back and forth. “I don’t care what he says, Josh. I think he’s drunk. Besides, what he thinks doesn’t matter to me anymore. You matter. Just you. Please, let’s go. We can see a movie another day. We have forever, remember?” I try to smile, to lift the weight I can feel on his chest. My smile is forced, my insides tremble and my stomach churns. That rug just dissipated beneath us, as I feared it would. Nothing with love comes easy.