Embrace the Moment

by Andrea Michelle

  “I know you do...and...I love you,” he says as a breath of air almost against my lips.

  “But it’s not enough anymore for you?” I ask, not wanting, not ready for his answer.

  He stares long at me, his eyes moving along my features as though he is memorizing them. He shakes his head as the tears continue to flow. I’ve lost him. In one night, I’ve lost him.

  He kisses me one last time and then he walks out, leaving me there in a mess of a person I hate to be, with broken promises. I crumble and fall against the wall, sliding down to where I’m sitting as a sob overtakes me. My hand is covering my mouth. I’ve lost everything I want most in the world.

  “Riley?” I hear Em’s voice from the door. “Are you in here?”

  I croak out my reply, “Over here.”

  “Oh shit, honey, are you okay? Josh just stormed out of the bar.”

  I shake my head as I choke on my words. “He...he fucked me and...and he left me. He broke up with me. I lo...lo...lost him.” I cry harder than I ever have in a long time. She grabs me up and pulls me into a hug.

  “I’m so sorry. So sorry,” she says holding me up.

  I reach down to grab the panties he tore off of me in a frenzy, and toss them in the trash.

  When we walk out the door a bunch of stares land on me.

  “Oh damn, baby girl,” Collin mumbles as he comes around to my other side. I must look like hell—my hair a mess from what we just did—my makeup running down my face from crying. My entire world is over.

  I climb into the back seat of Collin’s car and curl up into a ball as I silently cry.

  “What the hell happened?” I hear Collin ask Emily.

  “She said he broke up with her.”

  “What the fuck?”

  I grab my phone and send him a text.

  Me: I’M SORRY I PUSHED YOU TO CHASE YOUR DREAMS. I’M SORRY I GAVE US UP. I’M SORRY I DIDN’T FIGHT HARD ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU. I’M SORRY I WASN’T ENOUGH. I’M SORRY I LIED TO YOU. I WILL ALWAYS AND FOR EVERY BREATH I TAKE LOVE YOU, JOSHUA PARKER. ONLY YOU!

  He didn’t reply. I didn’t expect him to.

  EPILOGUE

  DECEMBER

  “You were never pregnant were you?” I yell at Preslee on the phone after being told she was back in town without a baby that should have been due. She took off months ago, no explanation—nothing.

  “Why do you care, Dean? You told me to fuck off, remember? I did as you told me as I always do, and now you want to talk about what I was and wasn’t to you?”

  I can hear her start her car. “What you were to me? What is that supposed to mean?” I shout into the phone.

  “I was just a fuck filler for you, Dean. You didn’t want a baby. Well good for you, you didn’t get one. I have to go,” she sniffles and hangs up.

  A sickening pit in my stomach swallows me up. I know I said all of that, but I wanted the baby—someone to love me unconditionally—someone to be mine.

  I call her back and she is crying. “What do you want, Dean?”

  “Why are you crying?” I ask, actually feeling sympathetic.

  “You wanna know what happened to your baby? I’ll tell you, in person. I’ll text you the address you can meet me at. I will wait half an hour only. Don’t come if you don’t want the truth, Dean,” and she hangs up.

  I wait for the text and when she sends me the address I head outside to get on my bike.

  I can still feel her lips on mine even now two months later as I sit in my truck back in Texas. I’ve read her text a thousand times and never once replied. I haven’t talked to her since that night in October. I miss her desperately. Collin told me I overreacted about Dean, and that may very well be true, but the truth is, I’m not sure I want to constantly be chased by Riley’s ghosts anymore.

  I’m parked outside Dean’s house now and watching him get on his bike. I don’t know what possesses me to follow him, but I do. Emily told me he’s acting irrationally lately. She said Riley quit her job at the bar the day after they returned to Texas. I almost changed my mind and called her then, but it didn’t change the fact that we were hurting each other all the time. Emily said Dean flipped out on Riley, grabbed her wrist and told her he needed her there. It was strange, and it freaked Riley out quite a bit. She never told me about it, but of course she wouldn’t. We weren’t together anymore.

  Together or not, he needed to keep his hands off of her. I follow him and he parks at an Ob-Gyn office. I watch him walk to a Volkswagen Bug—Preslee’s car. He taps on her window, and she climbs out with tears streaming down her face. He says something and she throws her hands up nodding her head. She says something, and his face falters. His face contorts into pain and then anger as he shouts at her. She puts her head down and begins to sob. He stares at her for a long time until he wraps his arms around her, and they comfort each other. It’s obvious that something happened to the baby. She says something else, then climbs back into her car and pulls away. He stands there for a while lost deep in thought.

  He taps away at his phone and gets back on his bike. I follow him all the way to Riley’s apartment. What the fuck? I sit in my car gripping the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white. Their apartment faces the parking lot, and thankfully, I can remain parked unnoticed and watch as my blood boils.

  He rings her doorbell and Emily answers. Her face is angry, but then he says something, and her mouth forms an O. Collin opens the door further, and I watch as Dean rubs his hand over his face and paces back and forth. Collin walks all the way out of the door, and he and Dean start walking back to the parking lot together.

  Two things happen at once. Riley’s car pulls into the parking spot next to Collin’s car. She gets out of her car and heads in the same direction they are leaving. Then my heart stops beating in my chest.

  She sees them and freezes. I look at her face and see fear in her eyes. It throws me off guard. As soon as Dean sees her, he stops moving and says something as he rubs behind his neck. Her face appears confused and then she frowns. She looks to Collin like she is unsure of what to do. He rubs at his eyes like he is crying, and then she hugs him. She hugs him, and everything in me becomes ice cold.

  I’m frozen, my heart racing, adrenaline pumping in my veins, and confusion in my mind. I climb out of the truck and walk over to her where her arms are still wrapped around his neck. Her eyes clock mine, and she jumps back away from Dean. He has the nerve to grin. I have my hand fisted at my side ready to punch the shit out of him when Collin pushes me back. Riley’s mouth opens and shuts. “Cat get your tongue?” I yell at her. She shakes her head back and forth and looks between Dean and me—her eyes wide in fear or guilt. “Shocked to see me, huh?”

  “Dude, it’s not what it looks like. He’s not here to create trouble. He just found out Preslee miscarried their baby a few months ago and never told him. He had no one to talk to. He came to see me. He texted, and I told him I was here. Riley wasn’t home. She was supposed to be back in Grandbury. I figured it was okay.”

  “Well it isn’t,” I yelled.

  “He wasn’t here for her, dude. Just chill, okay?” Collin says. Of course, I can’t say I know about Preslee, because I would have to explain that I followed him. Truthfully, I’m surprised by this information, as I believed she was faking the entire time. I feel like such a dick because a part of me believes this is karma. I would never wish that on anyone, and the feeling throws me off balance.

  I look over to Dean, who appears more satisfied than distraught. I hate him. “I’m sorry for your loss.” My eyes move to Riley who is still standing in shock. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in months, and I find her here comforting him. “Can I talk to you?”

  She nods her head and moves away from them. I grab her hand and pull her towards my truck. She gasps when I push her against the door and kiss her roughly. She’s tense at first, but eventually relaxes as our tongues find their rhythm. God, that soft moan she makes drives me insane. I’ve missed the way she tastes. T
hen she shoves me back. “Stop it. You can’t do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “That,” she points between her I. “Kiss me like your claiming me.”

  That one statement pisses me off so much. “Do I need to claim you?”

  She narrows her eyes and glares at me, equally pissed now. “You broke up with me, remember? Why are you even here?”

  I sigh and look away. I’m here for you, because you’re mine. I can’t speak.

  She doesn’t say anything. She stares at me—waiting for an answer that doesn’t come—so, she turns to walk away. I halt her by her elbow, and she stops, but she doesn’t turn around. I move to stand in front of her and tuck her hair behind her ear, trying to ignore the hurt I see in her eyes. She shuts them, and her face looks like I’m causing her pain. It hurts to see it. “I’m sorry. I’m out of my mind, lately. It’s just when I saw you hug him I...I just hate it.”

  Her eyes flutter open, and she frowns. “I was just being nice, Josh. He just told me his baby died, and I didn’t know what to do or say, so I hugged him. It didn’t mean anything,” she explains.

  “Do you have to be so nice to him, though? Maybe that’s why he’s always coming around you.” I regret it the minute the words leave my lips. I didn’t mean for it to come out so harshly, or sound like I blame her.

  Her mouth falls open and her eyes glass over like she is soon to break out in tears. “Josh...I—,” she looks away and takes a few deep breaths. She turns back to me with unrecognizable eyes—cold and hardened. “Please, leave. It’s obvious you don’t want to be here with me anymore, and I don’t want you here to judge me.”

  What?

  “I want to be here, Riley.”

  “I guess that isn’t enough, huh?” She tosses my words back at me from months before.

  I stare at her for a beat without a response. What am I supposed to say? To explain why I did what I did, when I can’t even explain it to myself. “I never stopped loving you,” I whisper.

  She makes a strangled noise, but doesn’t comment. We stare at each other with all of these unsaid things in between us. When I feel like nothing is left, I turn to walk away as I hear her almost whimper. I want to beg her to forgive me, to take me back, but I don’t.

  Instead, I climb inside my truck and punch the steering wheel over and over again. “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!” I’m so pissed at myself. I’m so out of my mind and crazy. I can’t do anything right. I’m barely holding onto my scholarship, because I can’t pass any of my classes, because I’m always thinking about her and here. I’ve fucked up on and off the field, disappointing everyone—her and my teammates. I miss my family. I miss her. I miss everything, and nothing makes sense in my head. I crash my head to the steering wheel, shaking as the gates open in my heart, and the tears actually fall from my eyes. I haven’t cried since my mom died, and that night after I left Riley the way I did, and here I am crying like a pussy in my truck because the girl I love yelled at me. Except it’s not just that she yelled at me—it’s that I’m hurting her, and I’m hurting. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. I just want to tell her I take it back—that I love her, and I can’t breathe without her.

  After several deep breaths, I lift my head and find her standing a few feet away watching me with tears streaming down her cheeks. I wipe my eyes, turn the ignition and drive away from my heart. Once again, it stays behind with her. Eventually, my life will end without it beating in my chest.

  JANUARY

  I’m back at my house in my old room for the holidays. It’s been a week and knowing Josh is back in town, I’ve been staying back at my apartment, but I had to come home for Christmas, which was ridiculously hard. I didn’t tell my mom we broke up, and obviously he hadn’t told his family. So, we pretended for the sake of it. It hurt a hell of a lot because he kissed me, and everything in my heart wanted it to be real. It wasn’t. Not anymore.

  I am in my room looking around at everything that reminds me of him. I look at the window that holds so many memories, seeing him in his room. I stand up and head to the living room. Ready to tell my mom I’m going to Collin’s New Year’s party. I only declined out of fear that Josh would be there, but he’s not, and now I want to be anywhere but here. I freeze when I hear her voice outside on the porch with someone.

  “I know what you mean. Sometimes I can still smell his cologne in my room. It was making me so crazy the other night that I pulled out one of his shirts that I kept and never washed,” she says to the person.

  The door is cracked open, and I’m standing on the other side of it, out of sight, but I can see them perfectly. And then I hear his voice—Mr. Parker.

  “I know what you mean. At least, you don’t have a son. This is going to sound terrible, but every time I look at Joey, my heart breaks just a little more. She looks and acts so much like Jessica. The older she gets, the more I see Jess in her eyes. Certain little traits in her tone when she gets mad at me or Josh. She even nags me the same, you know?”

  Oh, God. They are reminiscing about their spouses. I see my mom pass a look to him, and it’s a strange look—one full of sadness, of remorse, of understanding. Then she says, “I’m so sorry, James. I regret that night with Evan every single day. Not a day goes by where I don’t wake up and lie there just wondering what is real—just hoping it was all some blasted nightmare I’ve slept way too long, through—but then I roll over and the cold spot that used to be his is empty, and I know. I know that I destroyed his heart that night with my lie, and he took your heart away. And now, you and I both are stuck here alone in misery with kids that don’t trust, and kids that hurt and miss them. If I could do it all differently, if I could have just learned to forgive him of his past and let it stay there, then maybe we could’ve been happy.”

  Wow. I knew she felt guilt but just, wow. I watch Josh’s dad wipe a tear that has fallen from my mom’s cheek, and they stare at each other for a long time. My heart is beating so fast in my chest, I was sure it has to be audible.

  “Claudia, we talked about this before, and it’s the same thing Josh tells Riley all the time. You can’t keep blaming yourself for the decision he made that day. All this guilt is going to swallow you up. All of our lives changed that day. It’s how we move on that will make us who we are. I know your marriage wasn’t perfect. Jessica and I were happy, but don’t think we were perfect. We had our ups and downs just like everyone else.”

  “Dammit, James, my daughter walked in on him having sex. She was just a little girl, and had no idea what was going on. She thought they were playing dress up. I’ve never felt so betrayed in all of my life. How could he do something like that and love me, love her? She was in the next room, in our house, James.”

  It’s so strange how memories are when you grow older, because I remember that night, but it’s almost fuzzy, like it’s an almost memory, or a kind of forgotten one. Even her face is blurry to me. I can’t remember what her face looks like exactly, but I remember that I thought my babysitter was beautiful. I think I even loved her, and she loved me. I haven’t thought about her in a very long time.

  Josh’s dad sighs and touches my mom’s cheek gently. She turns into his touch. Why does she do that? “I know, Claudia. She’s a strong girl, and you are a strong woman. Josh loves her, and he would never hurt her like that.”

  Loved me, and he has hurt me.

  He swallows hard, “and I—,” his voice trails off.

  He what? No, no, no.

  “You what, James?” she asks studying his eyes.

  I think I’m going to be sick. Bile is rising in my throat. I think they are about to kiss. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This can’t be happening.

  “I don’t regret it,” he says simply as he tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear.

  Doesn’t regret what? What does he not regret? Fuck...I need to be a mind reader right now.

  “I don’t either,” she whispers leaning into him.

  NO!

  “What are you doing?”
I jump back so high hearing Josh’s voice behind me. I catch Mr. Parker’s eyes lock with mine as I stumble back away from the door. He curses and they both stand walking into the doorway to see us. My eyes are wide, and my hands are shaking. They were going to kiss each other. I know it. Oh, God.

  The baby.

  Josh is looking back and forth between them and I, and he is completely confused and unaware of the puzzle I think I just put together in my head. Mom never goes on dates. She doesn’t have a boyfriend. She has a good friend who lives next door, who understands her.

  Fucking hell.

  “What’s going on?” Josh asks, still in the dark. “Why do y’all look like the cat that just ate the canary?” He looks to me. “And why do you look like you’re about to pass out?”

  “How did you get in here?” I ask, knowing he just climbed in through my bedroom window, but why? He looks guilty and doesn’t answer me.

  My mom’s worried eyes meet mine, and Mr. Parker’s gaze drops to the floor.

  “Riley, were you listening?” My mom asks.

  “Listening to what?” Josh asks.

  His dad walks past me and pulls Josh into our kitchen.

  My mom sighs and walks to sit on the couch. “I made a mistake, Riley. I’m good at those.”

  “What mistake, Mom?” My stomach sinks. “Does this mistake have anything to do with your baby?”

  Her eyes were cast down, but now they are on mine. She nods her head. Oh, God. Oh, my God. This can’t be happening!

  “I was listening. I heard what y’all said to each other. I saw the way you looked at him.” I point to the kitchen and feel the knife stab me in the back.

  “We didn’t mean for this to happen, Riley.”

  “What to happen? I need you to say it, mom. My head is forming all kinds of conclusions here, and it sounds to me like you are saying that you and Josh’s dad are going to have a baby together. Tell me how that happens without some thought!”