Though he wasn’t one to be presumptuous when it came to understanding God’s ways, Owen had to admit that, in this case, he wondered what God was thinking. How could a woman as wonderful as Laura be rendered childless? And one as thoughtless as Sadie have twins she didn’t want? In his work, Owen had come across countless children who’d been unwanted by mothers, fathers or relatives assigned to care for them in the absence of parents.
Why hadn’t God seen fit to give those children to a woman like Laura?
Please, God. Give Laura the comfort only You can give. I know You are a loving God, but I can’t see beyond Laura’s pain and what seems to be an unjust situation.
Owen kissed the top of her head again and gave her a tight squeeze. Having her in his arms felt so right, even though he knew he had crossed a line by being too familiar with her.
“I wish I could...” Owen said, but found he didn’t have the words to finish.
What did he wish? That he could be the man to give her children? Owen shook his head. Lena told him all the time that he should find a wife and have more children, but Owen truly thought his family was complete. Anna and Emma were enough for him. As for a wife...if Owen were to marry again, it would be to someone who he knew would love him under all circumstances, and not just until she felt safe again. He wanted a true partner in life, and even if sharing a tender moment with Laura put the thought in his head, it didn’t make it the right thing for either of them.
Laura was fragile, too fragile to know her own heart. And Owen needed a woman who loved him because she loved him, not because he represented the security she thought she craved.
So many things in his heart, and yet none were appropriate to voice. In that, he could understand some of Laura’s struggle—having to hold in her pain because it wouldn’t be proper to express it.
Laura looked up at him. “It doesn’t matter. I’m barren. I can’t have children. It’s been confirmed by a doctor.”
The words were spoken with such certainty that Owen hurt for her. What was it like to know that your deepest desire would never happen?
“I’m sorry,” Owen said, knowing he’d already said it multiple times, but he had no other words to express the deep sorrow he felt for Laura’s predicament.
She gave him the kind of wry smile that he loved, not because it was pretty, but because it was the truest demonstration of her feelings that he saw from her. She was unhappy but desperately trying to come to terms with it and find a way to live her life anyway.
“It’s not your fault. You didn’t make me barren.” Laura pulled away from him and straightened. “I shouldn’t have come apart like that. I’m usually not so unstable.”
She was worried about being unstable? Owen shook his head. “I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. But I remember how hard it was, and still is when the girls experience things that normal children go through with their mothers. They went through a phase where they would call every woman they met Mama, hoping that someone would answer.”
Taking a deep breath, Owen searched her dark eyes, hoping he wasn’t yet again saying the wrong thing. “I wanted so badly to take that pain away from them, but I couldn’t. Lena and I do our best, but in the end, all we can do is love them and be there for them when it hurts.”
Laura took a deep breath and squared her shoulders like she always did when she was trying to be brave. Owen was starting to love that about her. No matter how hard things got, she did her best to move forward and carry on with grace and dignity.
“Thank you for being willing to comfort me. That means a lot. But you have your duties, and I have mine. We should get back to work.”
The sudden change was almost chilling. As Laura stood, Owen looked up at her. “Did I say or do something wrong?”
“No.” Laura shook her head. “But since I’m being honest about my feelings, I also want to say that when you protected me before, I’d thought we’d become friends. I confided in you like I just did now. The things I said to you were things I’ve never said to another person. But then you left me. We lived in the same town, and not once did you come to call or acknowledge that you’d been an important part of my life. Then I found out about your family, and all the other things you never told me while I shared deeply personal information about my life.”
The sadness in her eyes was unmistakable, and Owen hated that once again, she pointed to the pain he’d caused her.
“I apologize that my emotions overcame me and that you felt compelled to comfort me. But please don’t do it again. It’s too confusing to my heart, thinking I have a friend, then finding out it’s only part of your job. I have a hard enough time trusting my judgment as it is. I need you to be clearer in your role in the future.”
How could he disagree? Hadn’t he already chastised himself for crossing the line multiple times?
Owen nodded. “Of course. I didn’t mean to distress you further. I’ll leave you now and get back to what I need to do.”
He stood, then went over to the rooster’s basket and picked it up. They both wanted things from each other that neither was capable of delivering. Owen cared about Laura, always would. But she was right. They both needed to stop fooling themselves into thinking that they would have something that wasn’t meant to be.
Chapter Twelve
The doctor had agreed that Lena’s injuries were not life threatening, especially since they’d come to town and she was receiving treatment. Laura was grateful for such positive news, especially when she went into Lena’s room the next morning to find Lena sitting up in bed.
“I wish I’d known you were awake, I’d have come in here sooner,” Laura said, coming around to the windows. “Would you like me to open the curtains and let some light in?”
“Please. I’m dying in this dark place, being treated like an invalid. I know you meant well with all your broth and sick-people food yesterday, but could I please get some real food today?”
Laura had always liked Lena’s plain speech. She couldn’t help but smile at the other woman’s frustration at being stuck in bed. If the shoe were on the other foot, Laura would feel the same way.
“Absolutely. The doctor said the pain medicine would upset your stomach and not to overdo it on food, but I’ve always believed that people should listen to their bodies when they’re ill.”
Lena nodded. “I couldn’t agree more. Which is why I find it ridiculous that I have to stay in bed. Just my leg is hurt, not the rest of my body.”
With the curtains open, Laura could see that it was going to be a beautiful day. Though it wouldn’t likely be safe for Lena to go outside, she saw no harm in helping Lena to the parlor, where she could at least be part of the activity of the day.
“Can you manage to dress on your own? I packed simple garments for you in case you felt well enough to be out of bed. I’ll see if Owen can get some men to help carry you into the parlor.”
Though Lena visibly tensed at the idea of being carried into the parlor, she seemed happy at Laura’s offer. “That would be wonderful, thank you.”
As Laura turned to leave, Lena stopped her. “But first, I want to talk to you about something.”
Laura sighed. The guilt discussion again. She’d humor an injured woman, but this was starting to become an old topic.
“Of course. Anything.” She smiled despite her annoyance.
“Do you care for my brother?”
Laura stared at her. Not the discussion she’d had in mind.
“I don’t know how to answer that question,” she finally said. “And I don’t think this is an appropriate topic right now.”
She and Owen had been cordial since their encounter yesterday evening, but Laura had tossed and turned all night at the memory of his arms around her and the gentle press of his lips to her head. She’d never known such a loving touch from a man. It wasn’t what she’d ex
pected—she was surprised she wished for more of it. She’d never understood the allure of being in a man’s arms, but after feeling so safe in Owen’s, it made sense.
But she also understood how easily a woman could get burned.
Did she appreciate his comfort? Yes. Did she love how he’d made her feel? Yes. At least until she’d realized that his feelings didn’t match hers. No wonder so many women compromised themselves for a man. Not that Laura believed Owen would dishonor her in any way. True, it had been improper for him to hold her so, but there were no illicit intentions there, which was one of the things that made her like him all the more.
“He’s trying hard not to fall in love with you,” Lena said. “Sadie, his late wife, was a witness to a murder. A gang was trying to kill her so she wouldn’t testify. Owen was assigned to protect her, then he fell in love with her. She said she loved him, too, so they got married. Only being married to a lawman wasn’t as exciting as she’d thought it would be, so she left.”
Laura stared at her blankly. Owen had told her most of this, minus the part about him trying not to fall in love with her. “I know.”
“Do you?” Lena gave her a much harsher look than Laura would have thought the situation warranted. “My brother’s heart is in danger, and you treat it like I’ve just told you that we’re out of sugar.”
What was she supposed to say in response? Lena acted like she expected an answer, and Laura had none to give.
“I believe you’re mistaken,” Laura said quietly. “I’m nothing but a job to him. Owen and I have been down this road before. I read too much into his actions, and I’ll not do it again. I know you mean well, but I can’t see him appreciating your meddling in his affairs. And neither do I.”
Lena gave a quick nod, like she understood, and Laura left to find Owen. As she walked into the kitchen, she nearly ran straight into him.
“Is everything all right? How’s Lena?” His face was filled with concern.
“She’s fine.” Laura tried to smile, but she found that Lena’s words had left her feeling more unsettled than she’d have thought. “Actually, better than fine. She’d like to have some help out to the parlor so that she can sit amid the activity.”
Owen frowned. “The doctor wanted her to rest.”
“You know she’ll go mad sitting in there by herself with nothing to do.”
“True.” Owen looked at her like he’d gained a new respect for her. “I appreciate that you genuinely care about Lena. I know she can be difficult at times, but she’s always been independent and doesn’t like losing that independence.”
It was interesting to see how readily Owen was able to see things from Lena’s perspective, yet he’d failed to understand that Laura was in the same boat. Maybe she hadn’t always been independent, but now that she’d had a taste of what freedom felt like, she didn’t want to let it go.
“I completely understand,” Laura said. “I know what it’s like to be forced into a situation you can’t control.”
He took a step back, like he knew she was accusing him. She supposed it wasn’t proper to keep pushing his buttons, but Lena’s words had gotten under her skin. How could Owen be falling in love with her when he continually failed to recognize how she felt?
But he had comforted her yesterday. And he had respected her wishes when she’d asked him to stop blurring the lines of their relationship.
“Are you falling in love with me?” The words burst out of Laura’s mouth before she could even process the thought.
Owen looked even more perplexed. “Why did you just ask me that? Yesterday you said—”
“Lena confronted me just now, I suppose to warn me not to hurt you, but...” Laura shook her head. “I told her to stop meddling in our affairs, but now I can’t stop wondering.”
She turned her gaze to Owen, his expression no longer readable.
The air between them seemed so still, and as always seemed to be the case when Laura wanted something real from Owen, he was holding back. Even if he was falling in love with her, what good would that do? If he couldn’t be open with her, then she wanted no part of a relationship with him.
“I’ll just get breakfast started then. You can go sort things out with Lena.”
Laura turned to get a small fire going in the cookstove. While it was chilly this morning, the house would soon be too warm for much cooking. It had been unseasonably hot lately, and without the ability to open any windows to catch a breeze, she’d be careful about heating the house too much. There were plenty of baked goods from Mary and other friends who’d dropped food off at the house, knowing Laura had guests and wouldn’t have had time to do any shopping.
As she turned to get kindling for the fire, she saw Owen still standing in the same position as when she’d sent him to Lena.
“How many men are outside? I’d like to offer them some refreshment, as well.”
“Six.” At least Owen had finally found his voice. “But you don’t have to trouble yourself. They don’t expect anything.”
Laura turned back to the stove. “It’s no trouble. I wouldn’t feel right not taking care of the people protecting me.”
“Is that why you’re being so helpful to Lena, the girls and me?”
She’d questioned his motivations yesterday, and now he was asking about hers. A fair trade, but as Laura set the water to boil, her hands shook. Honest answers, when they revealed the depths of your heart, weren’t easy to give.
Once again, Laura brought her attention back to Owen. “I genuinely like Lena. In many ways, I admire her. The girls...”
Laura took a deep breath. “I’ve tried very hard not to get attached because it will be difficult to leave them behind and not see them again. But they are impossible not to love.”
Of all the heartbreak she’d experience when this was over, saying goodbye to the twins would be the hardest of all. She’d already steeled herself for the eventuality of not having Owen in her life again, but a child didn’t understand those things, and she couldn’t bring herself to put a wall between them.
But Owen... Laura shook her head, trying to banish the thought from her head. “As for you, I’ve told you how I feel. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to offer you the same courtesy I would to anyone in my home. I don’t know how not to be hospitable.”
It didn’t surprise her when Owen looked at her like he understood. “You have a good heart. I suppose you can’t go against your nature.”
His compliment hit her unexpectedly in one of the deep wounds she’d forgotten she carried. James used to taunt her about how she was useless, stupid and so many other things. He’d never looked at her heart. Only Owen saw her heart, and the fact that he could see the good in her that she’d always hoped others would see made their situation seem almost cruel.
“I owe you an answer to your question,” he continued. “But the honest answer is the conclusion I think we’ve already come to. We both feel something, and we’d be liars to deny it. However, this is a tense time, and we’re not in our usual situations. Will we feel the same when things go back to normal again? That’s the question I wrestle with.”
He was right. His words echoed what she’d told him only the day before, and the reasons she’d needed to make things clear between them. Though Lena’s questions had temporarily muddied the waters, nothing had changed. Nor would it.
Owen looked at her so tenderly; it reminded her of how he’d held her the day before, only he was across the room. “I’m sorry if Lena’s question caused you pain or confusion. I’m glad you told her to mind her own business, and that you told me what she said.”
A dark expression flashed across Owen’s face, and for a moment, Laura was afraid that he’d be angry with his sister.
Instead, he said, “You have to understand. My late wife and Lena did not get along. Lena saw things in her that I missed, and I thin
k that sometimes, she blames herself for not telling me. Not that I regret my marriage. Without it I wouldn’t have the girls, and without them, I would have nothing. So now Lena does her best to make sure I don’t get hurt.”
As he spoke, Owen’s face filled with sorrow. Were the depths of his regrets so much to bear? Though he hadn’t told her all the details of his marriage, as Laura thought about the things he had said and was saying now, she could see that his painful past had made him fearful. Just like she felt after what had happened with James. She wanted to move on, but healing was harder than she’d thought.
Then his usual resigned expression returned to his face. “I’ll speak with her, though. She shouldn’t have said anything. I just hope you don’t think less of her for it.”
“She loves you,” Laura said, trying to sound encouraging. “How can I fault her for that? Don’t be too hard on her. I wish I had someone looking out for me like that.”
He nodded. “I’m a fortunate man. Thank you for understanding. I should go help her now. I’m sure she’s getting impatient.”
Laura watched him leave and turned back to finish the breakfast preparations. Though she should have felt more hopeful about their relationship, especially since he’d been more open with his feelings, she realized he hadn’t addressed the most important thing: their future.
* * *
Lena was sitting in bed, fully dressed, when Owen entered the room. “It took you long enough.”
“And you wasted no time.”
“I want out of this prison.”
Owen couldn’t help but chuckle. Were they talking about different things, or was she being deliberately obtuse? With Lena, one never could tell.
But she was eager to be out among people, and he had no problem using that to his advantage.
Honor-Bound Lawman Page 16
